Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
One for the Dark Lord on his Dark Throne.
In the Land of Mordor where Shadows lie
One Sock to rule them all, One Sock to find them,
One Sock to bring them all and in the darkness bind them,
In the Land of Mordor where Shadows lie.
NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS!
~~~~~~
A long time ago, (and I mean a REALLY long time ago) the Dark Lord Sauron forged the SOCKS OF POWER! Three he gave to the Elves, cause they all looked real spiffy. Seven also went to the Dwarves, who like shiny things. Nine were given to the Race of Men, because they threatened to sue. But Sauron also forged, in secret, a Master Sock. Within this Sock was poured all his malice, cruelty, and the power and strength to rule the world and look real scary. But some people didn't like this, and they rebelled, just like those ducks.
The Men and the Elves, the only ones who really felt like fighting, marched into Mordor to try and defeat Sauron. But Sauron had the Sock of Power. And the power of the Sock of Power could not be undone. Because of this, Elendil, the King of Gondor was killed. Islidur, his son, took up his father's sword - and Sauron stepped on it and laughed really evil. Islidur started crying and slashed off Sauron's hand, yelling "YOU MEANIE!" Because of this, The Sock was cut from the hand of Sauron and he was defeated.
Islidur had this one chance to destroy The Sock forever. But the hearts of Men are easily corrupted, and Islidur strolled away, Sock in his hand, singing a song never heard before in the lands of Middle-Earth... (if you could call it a song).
"WHEEEEEE! I'M DAaAaANCIiIiIiNG TO THE MuuUuUuUuSIiIiIC IiIiN MyyYyYy HeeEeEeEeEaAaAaAaD!!!!" The few Orcs that were left didn't like this very much, and pushed Islidur in the River Anduin and held his head underwater until, for some reason, Islidur succumbed to the same fate as his father. DEATH! MWUHAHAHAHAHAHA!
... anyways, the Sock kinda fell of Islidur's grip when he turned into a pile of bones on the river bottom, and they lay there for many years, until two friends came upon them.
"DUDE! LOOK AT THIS!" screamed Deagol, as he found the Sock floating on the river.
"DUDE!" yelled Smeagol, his friend, "THAT'S A COOL SOCK!"
"Dude, I'm going to wear this every day!"
"Dude, no you aren't!"
"Dude, why not?" said Deagol defensively.
"Dude, because it's my birthday," replied Smeagol. "And I wants it!"
"Dude, you'll have to kill me before you get it!" yelled Deagol.
"Dude, okay!" Smeagol then proceeded to choke Deagol to death. "My preciousssssssssssss..."
The Sock gave Smeagol unnatural long life and hyperness. And when he put it on his hand... POOF! He went invisible. His family eventually brought him into the Misty Mountains and hoped he would die. They called him Gollum now because he was so, like, annoying. And for five hundred years, the Sock dwelt in Gollum's cave... until the Sock abandoned Gollum, because it didn't like him and his hyperness much either. Then... it was found by the most unlikely person... a hobbit! Bilbo Baggins of the Shire! WOW! LIKE, OH MY GOD! ...*ahem* And thus begins...
THE LORD OF THE SOCK
The Fellowship of the Sock
Sixty years pass before we continue our story, because not much happens with Bilbo. His social life is unsurprisingly quiet, as no one wants to hang around him with him acting so hyper. But he threw awesome parties, so everyone came to them, especially to his eleventy-first birthday.
His extremely adorable, and younger cousin, Frodo Baggins had come into his home when his parents died, and therefore, was bent on being the heir to Bilbo. Everyone knew Bilbo had cool Socks... and lots of money, too...
Gandalf, Bilbo's old college frat buddy, also came to this "Long Expected Party" He knocked on the door. "COME IN AND SMELL THE CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE!" yelled a voice from inside.
"Well, then," said Gandalf. "Bilbo must be home." He opened the door and walked in... not bending down and hitting his head hard on the door frame. When he finally woke up, a curly haired, hyper hobbit bent over him. "HI GANDALF!" he said. "GUESS WHAT? I HAVE TOES!! I HAVE TEN TOES!! THEY'RE ON MY FEET! HOW MANY TOES DO YOU HAVE?"
Gandalf rubbed his head, wishing he was still knocked out. "Hello, Bilbo. All ready for your party?"
Enter big, loud, shiny fireworks that go boom. The "Long Expected Party", along with the beer that always came with it, had arrived. Frodo was hanging with his homie, Sam, checking out all the ladies, until he got tired of Sam drooling at Rosie. "Screw this." He said, and got up from the bench. "I'm going to make a fool of myself."
"Okay..." said Sam, not really hearing what Frodo said. Frustrated with all of this, Frodo gave him a shove off the bench, and he conveniently landed on Rosie, who didn't find anything strange with falling Samwises and the two danced off together. Frodo proceeded to do the chicken dance.
Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took, more often called Merry and Pippin, since their names were so darn long to read and pronounce for people who could barely add fractions, were also at the party. As soon as the coast was clear, they ran to a cart conveniently full of the big, loud, shiny fireworks that go boom. Grabbing the biggest one, they ran to the tent and stuck the firework into the ground.
"This is going to be great!" muttered Pippin excitedly, as he fumbled in his pockets for matches.
"Got those matches yet, Pip?" asked Merry.
"Well... um..." Pippin had tried every pocket in vain. "I kinda... forgot them."
"You WHAT?!"
"I forgot the matches."
"Oh, sorry," apologized Merry. "I couldn't hear you. Here, I think I have some." He dug into his pockets and resurfaced with a rather large box of matches. "Always knew these would come in handy."
He quickly lighted one and set it on the fuse, which quickly caught the flames. At that convenient moment, the firework decided to fall down into Pippin, who quickly shoved it toward Merry, who shoved it back towards Pippin. The firework went back and forth between the two for a couple of minutes, until the firework finally went off, leaving an ashen faced Merry and Pippin on the ground.
"This was all your fault!" snapped Merry.
"Mine? You put it in the ground!" Pippin said.
"Oh, shut up!"
Needless to say, everyone liked the fireworks, except for Gandalf, because it looked real spiffy and he wanted to aim it at Bilbo so he'd shut up and the fireworks would look cool all at the same time. So Merry and Pippin were committed to being Gandalf's slaves for the rest of the night while he sat and smoked some pipe-weed.
"My dear hobbits!" said Bilbo, standing up on a beer keg. Everyone groaned, not only because they had to listen to Bilbo, but also because they couldn't get to their beer now. "I just wanted to say, I like cheese because it's cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee -
*five minutes later*
-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesy!
Someone threw an apple at Bilbo's head. Now that he had a headache, Bilbo chose that moment to leave. He put the Sock on his hand... and POOF! He disappeared! Gandalf, realizing what happened, went back to Bilbo's hole to wait for him.
"Well, my dear Gandalf," said Bilbo, in a brief moment of sanity as he walked in, "I have chosen this night for Frodo to come into his inheritance, and for me to leave. NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS!"
"You're leaving the Sock, aren't you?" Gandalf asked.
Bilbo paused.
"You haven't washed it for sixty years."
"They're perfectly clean!"
"No, they aren't." Gandalf lied. The Sock was amazingly clean. But he figured it was the only way to get the Sock back from Bilbo. "It's gross and brown and dirty. Give the Sock to Frodo. Let it go."
Bilbo paused once more.
"If you do, I'll give you cheese."
"Well, then!" said Bilbo. "Frodo may have the Sock, Gandalf with three toes!" He let the sock fall to the floor.
"I'll choose to ignore that statement," said Gandalf, "and I bid you a very fond farewell."
"You, too, Gandalf. You, too." Bilbo walked off calmly without saying a word.
Gandalf was amazed by this, and begun to suspect what the Sock really was... he bent down to pick it up and set it on the table, but when his hands graced the soft wool, he immediately saw something really, really scary. THE EYE! MWUHAHAHAHAHA!
Frodo entered the hobbit-hole, finding Gandalf sitting in front of the fire, muttering. He noticed the Sock on the floor and bent down to pick it up. Seeing Bilbo nowhere in site, he said, "The old coot's left, then, hasn't he?"
"Yes," Gandalf turned around, finally noting the hobbit's presence. "He's gone off to live with the elves." He then noticed the Sock. "Ah, his Sock. He's left you Bag End, as well as that Sock. Well, I must be going now."
"Going?!" exclaimed Frodo. "But you've only just arrived."
"Yes, yes," said Gandalf. "But I'm very confused at the moment. I must go to Minas Tirith and look at crap. I'll be seeing you." With that he walked through the door and down the road, leaving a very stunned Frodo in front of the fire. He figured Gandalf's leave had to do with something he wouldn't understand, so he refrained from running after him. Gandalf never told him anything anyways. Frodo shrugged and put the Sock in his pocket.
With that he began to sing quietly. "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves..."
Meanwhile, at some evil place they call Barad-dur, the Nine and a bunch of those ugly Orc things had come across a conveniently placed Gollum.
"TELL US!" one of the Orcs yelled at him. "WHERE IS THE ONE SOCK?"
"DUDE!!! I DON'T KNOW!"
"YES YOU DO!"
"AUGHHHHH! DUDE!!! NEVER!!!"
"Well, then, DUDE," said another older, more experience Orc. "We shall torture you beyond all means of humanity. We shall make you watch... BRITNEY SPEARS!!"
"AUGHHHHHHHHH! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! I'LL TALK!" screamed Gollum. "BAGGINS HAS IT!!! IN THE SHIRE!!!!!!!"
"Shire... Baggins..." hissed one of the Nine. With that they raced out of Barad-dur, disguised as Sock Puppets.
Back at Minas Tirith, Gandalf was intently reading, How To Know if Your Socks Are Evil, By Fut Where . He came upon a passage written about the One Sock. He read through it and gasped really loudly, making the librarian "SHHHH!" him. He quickly jumped back on his horse, ran through the library, and back to Hobbiton.
By now, Frodo's social life had also plummeted, and he was down to three friends, Sam, Merry, and Pippin. They had come to the conclusion hyperness was hereditary, and Merry and Pippin, who were second cousins to Frodo, were beginning to worry about their mental health as well, but so far, nothing had happened. They had retreated to Bag End for a kegger party, and were just about to dig into the pipe-weed when Gandalf ran through the door, picked up Sam, Merry, and Pippin, and threw them out the window.
"FRODO!" he yelled. "TOSS THE SOCK INTO THE FIRE!"
"Okie dokies!" Frodo oddly replied, and threw the Sock into the fire, where they conveniently did not burn. Gandalf rummaged for tongs, and upon finding them, picked the Sock out of the fire and handed them to Frodo.
"Is there anything you can see? Anything different?"
"Yup."
"Well, WHAT?"
"It says, `THE DUCKS! THEY'RE REBELLING!'" Frodo giggled. "Silly ducks."
Gandalf sighed. "It is as I feared. Frodo..."
Frodo was occupying himself with the fire, mumbling such things as "Pretty colors..." and "Oooooooo..."
"FRODO!" Gandalf yelled, and smacked him on the head. "That is the One Sock, forged by the Dark Lord Sauron. It is evil."
"Well, DUH."
Even though his nerves were wearing thin, Gandalf continued. "The Sock brings unnatural long life and hyperness to the one that possesses it. And when the Sock is put on your hand, the wearer goes invisible. Sauron needs only this Sock to plunge the world back into darkness. Frodo... he must never find this Sock."
"We can hide it in my pants!" said Frodo cheerfully. "He'll never find The Sock there! Besides, no one knows I have the Sock, except you, and Merry, and Pippin, and Sam, and the rest of Hobbiton. But they don't know the Sock is evil, so if we hide it in my pants I can achieve my goal - I'm going to train horses to write newspaper columns."
Gandalf smacked Frodo again, and repeated the history of the Sock. "Gollum knew Bilbo had the Sock, and ratted on us all. The Nine are coming for you, you had better leave. Get the Sock to The Village of Bree. I will be waiting for you there."
"You're leaving again?" Frodo burst into tears.
Gandalf patted his head absent-mindedly. "I must see the head of my order, Saruman with the Girly Hands. He's evil, but he'll know what to do. And, since Samwise, Meriadoc, and Peregrin are still outside your window, listening to every word we say, you should probably bring them along with you."
Loud curses were heard outside under the window.
Gandalf rode to Isengard. When he got there, Saruman was filing his nails, completely ignoring his visitor.
"SARUMAN!"
No answer.
"SARUMAN!"
No answer.
"SARUMAN!"
Still no answer. Gandalf got impatient and smacked Saruman on the head.
"AUGH!!" he screamed. "You could have broken one of my nails!"
"Forget that, Saruman! The One Sock has been found!"
"WHAT?!"
"The One Sock has been found."
"Ohh, sorry, I couldn't hear you."
"So..." Saruman and Gandalf were now walking outside, discussing the Sock. "The One Sock has been found..." Saruman said.
"Yes. It was right under my nose for sixty years."
"Obviously your love for the halfling's leaf has slowed your mind..." Saruman suggested.
Gandalf snapped back. "Oh, shut up, you had an Elvish Liquor problem a few years back."
Back in Saruman's Evil Castle Type Looking Place... oh yeah, Isengard, Saruman and Gandalf were still talking. Yawn.
"We still have time," said Gandalf. "All we need to do is destroy the Sock."
"Time?" Saruman asked, "Time, Gandalf? What time do you think we have? We could have had the sock sixty years ago, if it wasn't for your insolent mind. Sauron is gathering his forces. He isn't as scary as he was three thousand years ago, but that eye is still really freaky."
"How do you know all this?"
"I have my ways."
"You've been using the Palantir again, haven't you?"
"Maybe."
They walked into the room, where the Palantir was indeed, uncovered.
"It's too dangerous," Gandalf said. "We cannot use this Seeing Stone!"
"MAKE ME!" Saruman took his staff and used it to through Gandalf against the wall. "Now we must have a silly looking fight, and in the end, Gandalf the Grey, Saruman with the Girly Hands shall prevail!"
They threw each other around for some time, until Saruman gained control of both his and Gandalf's staff. "I asked you if you wanted to be evil some time ago. And you said `No!' Well, now you know why I became evil!"
"Why?" asked Gandalf. "Why did you turn to this way of foolishness?"
"It was written in the script!" said Saruman, and threw Gandalf against the very tall ceiling.
Finally, we get back to our dear little Hobbits, still trying to shut up Frodo.
"This is the song that never ends! (bum bum bum bum!) Yes it goes on and on my friends! (bum bum bum bum!)"
"FRODO!" They all yell at once. "SHUT UP!"
"MAKE ME!"
Not having anything to gag Frodo with, they smack their heads in frustration and continue on. There is silence, however, until Pippin shouts out, "Look! That thing looks like a giant Sock Puppet!"
Frodo screamed. "I'M SCARED OF SOCK PUPPETS!" He dashed off the road and under a tree. Also scared by the evil looking Sock Puppet, his friends scrambled under the tree as well.
The Sock Puppet stayed around for quite a while. Ate dinner, watched the Super Bowl, and had a date. When he finally left, the four Hobbits crawled out from under the tree, very dirty, but glad that Frodo had shut up for a little bit.
Frodo blinked a few times in the light. "I have a cat," he said spontaneously. Sam, Merry, and Pippin, began to count the days till they reached Bree.
Many unimportant things happened on the way to Bree. They ran into some more Sock Puppets, and even saw three or four all at once. This scared the living daylights out of Frodo, and he was quiet for some time. They visited a man named Tom Bombadil, who not only gave them dinner, but also a gag if Frodo ever got really annoying again.
When they reached Bree, a man opened the door.
"Well, looky here!" he said. "If it isn't a bunch of Hobbitses!"
"I'm not a Hobbit, I'm a magical twist-tie!" Frodo replied.
"Ignore him," said Sam. "Is there an inn at this place? We're supposed to meet someone there."
"Certainly!" said the doorman. "The Prancing Pony." He gave directions, and the Hobbits walked away.
Merry shuddered. "Bad Wizard of Oz flashbacks."
They reached the inn uneventfully, only to find Gandalf wasn't there, only a Strange Man watching them from a corner of the bar.
"Now what?!" said Sam. "We don't even know where to go next! What are we going to do until Gandalf gets here?"
Merry was eyeing the bar. "I SAY WE GET DRUNK!"
"HEAR HEAR!" shouted the other two Hobbits. Sam shook his head, but agreed with his friends, and they all headed to the bar.
Frodo, who after four or five beers was EXTREMELY drunk, as well as hyper, and rather bored (that's a bad combination, for those of you who don't know) got up on a table and started singing.
"I like big BUTTS and I cannot lie!" Unfortunately, before he could start stripping, someone conveniently threw a mug of beer at his head. Frodo fell from the table, and the Sock flew from his pocket. In trying to catch it, the Sock landed on his hand ever so conveniently, and POOF! Frodo disappeared.
And everyone screamed. AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH - ...huh? Oh. Oops. Sorry. Anyways, for some reason, a drunk, hyper, bored hobbit disappearing was quite unnatural in Bree. Except for The Strange Man. Frodo took off the Sock as soon as he was out of sight and quickly ran up to his room, only to be stopped by The Strange Man.
"You draw far too much attention to yourself."
"I can't help it!" said Frodo. "I'm a paper clip!"
"I don't care if you're a paper clip!" said The Strange Man as they entered Frodo's room. "All that matters is that I know what evil you possess."
Frodo blinked. "I have a cat."
"SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME!" yelled The Strange Man. "I'm Strider, a friend of Gandalf's. "I know you have the One Sock and I've come here to lead you the rest of the way to Rivendell."
"Really? That's really cool! I once knew a guy named Strider and... hey!!! He's you!! MY OLD FRIEND!" Frodo hugged Strider, who by now was getting very annoyed. He drew his sword.
It was that moment that Sam, Merry, and Pippin chose to enter the room, each wielding several strange weapons. Pippin, his mug of beer, Merry, a pencil, and Sam held his Frying Pan of Death. Strider sheathed his sword. "Well then," he said, and continued speaking.
"The Sockwraiths, once Nine Mortal Men Doomed to Die, disguised as Sock Puppets, are out to get you. Now that you've put on the Sock, they sense your presence and know where you are. But they're pretty stupid so I think we can fool them...
The scene changed to a shot of adorable sleeping hobbits, then beds getting stabbed by Sock Puppets. The beds, however, hide more then the wraiths expect. The Sock Puppets, realizing that they had been fooled, stop stabbing random fangirls, and instead make a sound like a deranged blender and run away.
The Hobbits woke up. "Wow, Strider," said Sam. "That was an impressive plan. Got rid of Sockwraiths and Fangirls at once."
"God Bless You!" said the rest.
The five companions walk for a while until the Hobbits stop and start getting out food.
"We do not stop until nightfall," said Strider. "What is so important?"
"Breakfast," they replied.
"We already had breakfast."
"But of course," said Pippin. "But now it's time for second breakfast."
"We do not eat second breakfast. Come, we must continue on."
"But then I won't have anything to take my Ritalin with!" whined Pippin. "What about that, eh?" Pippin waved a stone bottle that said, "Take one pill with each second breakfast."
"You can survive without your Ritalin," Strider said, and started to walk again, but was interrupted.
"If Pip don't get his Ritalin, Mr. Strider, sir," said Merry politely. "He will be just like Frodo. And I don't think you want that."
Strider looked at Frodo, who was jumping around with the sock on his head.
"I AM THE MAGICAL NEWSPAPER CLIPPING! ALL SHALL READ ME AND DESPAIR!"
A look of fright passed over Strider's face. "All right then. We stop."
Back at Isengard, Saruman with the Girly Hands was receiving orders from Mordor in his paperweight, which gives us a nice shot of his manicure. An Orc entered.
"What are the orders from Mordor, my Lord?
"We got to cut down a lot of trees and make weird lookin' Orcs that bleed profusely from the mouth," said Saruman.
"Okie dokie," said the Orc, and the work began.
Strider and the Hobbits reached Weathertop, an old, once-magnificent watch tower that don't look like magnificent anymore. Strider threw some swords at the Hobbits.
"Use these. And watch and make sure Frodo doesn't use his in any way... unnatural," said Strider. "I'm going to conveniently leave you. I should be back after one of you gets seriously hurt."
"Okie dokie!!" said Frodo cheerfully. Pippin threw yet another apple at Frodo's head, and knocked him out, much to the joy of those still awake. In celebration, they started a fire and began cooking some imitation bacon.
Hours later, Frodo come back into consciousness, and when he realized the others had eaten all the bacon without him, proceeded to stomp out the fair.
"You got ash on my bacon!" Pippin whined. But bacon was no longer really important, for now the Sockwraiths knew where they were. And they wasted no time reaching the Hobbits.
Making a screech like a microphone too close to the speakers, the wraiths drew out their swords, and the Hobbits did as well. Moving backwards, Frodo somehow managed to fall down. The wraiths, not really caring about the other three Hobbits, moved towards him. In a moment of hyper desperation, Frodo puts on the sock.
Once in the world of shadow, Frodo saw the Sockwraiths unmasked, which was really a freaky looking thing. He tried to take the Sock off, but the power of it was too much. Instead, the lead wraith bent down, and tried to take it. Being unsuccessful, he was pleased just to stab Frodo in the shoulder.
Finally able, Frodo wrenched the Sock off his hand and let out a REALLY loud scream that scared the bejesus out of the other Hobbits. Strider quickly (and finally) came to their aid, and began throwing fire at the wraiths. They retreated, and they were able to turn their attention to Frodo.
"He was stabbed by a Morgul blade..." said Strider, picking up what was left of the hilt and watching it melt away. "I can't do crap here. We must get him to the Elves."
Gandalf was talking to moths on top of Orthanc. Saruman was busy baking Orcs in some messed up oven. And the traveling companions? They weren't doing to well either.
"It's six days to Rivendell! He'll never make it!"
"Horray!" shouted Merry.
"Don't be so happy!" snapped Strider. "Even if Frodo did die, someone else would have to take the Sock. Then they would be hyper."
"Stupid ever-going cycles."
"Sam," said Strider all of a sudden, "Do you know of the plant Athelas?"
"Nope," Sam replied. "Never heard of it."
"Kingsfoil, Sam!" Strider said. "Kingsfoil!"
"Oh, KINGSFOIL," said Sam. "Yes, I have plenty of that in my sack, for no really good reason. " He took it off his back and began rummaging around.
"Good," Strider looked at Frodo, worried. "It might help to slow the poison until we get him to Rivendell. Then the Elves will heal him."
Sam shoved some Kingsfoil towards Strider, and he was just about to make decent medicine out of it, when all of a sudden, someone attempted to murder Strider.
"Arwen!" said Strider. "Isn't Glorfindel supposed to be here?"
"No..." she said, hiding a long bloody sword behind her back. "No, I was sent to bring you to Rivendell."
"Well, then, please help us. Frodo is in great need."
"HE'S GOING TO DIE!! MELT!! MELT!!"
Merry looked apologetically up at the confused Strider and Arwen. "Sorry... Pip forgot to take his Ritalin this morning."
Arwen picked Frodo up and put him on a horse that magically (and conveniently!) appeared. "I'm the faster rider, I will bring him to Rivendell and send horses back for the rest of you."
"The road is too dangerous!" said Strider.
"Don't worry. The script says that I don't die."
Strider nodded. "Then you should go. Farewell."
Arwen jumped on the horse, and without saying anything, took off.
"Are you INSANE?" shouted Sam. "Those wraiths are still out there!"
"SCREW THE WRAITHS! THEY STOLE MY RITALIN!" Pippin yelled.
Merry sighed in frustration. "We finally get rid of Frodo and Pip forgets to take his medication. THIS SUCKS!"
Arwen and Frodo ran on, the Sockwraiths close behind them. They reached the river, quickly ran across, only to be followed still by the giant Sock Puppets, which conveniently stopped in the middle of the river. The river, which did not really like big, ugly, smelly socks in it, saved the Elves some breath, and began to flood. The sock puppets were washed downriver, and Arwen quickly stopped to make sure Frodo was still okay.
"Nyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiooooooookkkkkkkk,"
"Still making funny noises. Must be okay..." Arwen said, but all of a sudden, she heard him say, though very quietly...
"mwuhahahaha..."
"Frodo!" she screeched. "Do not give in to the shadow!!!"
"...hahahahaha..."
"FRODO!" Arwen smacked him upside the head.
"nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..."
"That's better." Arwen picked up Frodo, sat him on the horse, and rode the rest of the way to Rivendell.
"NO! NO!!!! I DON'T WANT FLUFFY PINK BUNNY SLIPPERS! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Frodo was once again smacked on the head, waking him up from his sleep. "Gandalf!" he said, looking up at the figure.
"Yes, I am here." Gandalf said.
"Where's here?"
"The House of Elrond."
"So it isn't Cinderella's castle. "Frodo frowned. "Where were you? Why didn't you meet us in Bree?"
Gandalf paused, having a spiffy flashback of himself talking to moths and catching a ride on a really big bird. He was brought back to reality by Frodo.
"Well?"
"I'm sorry, Frodo," Gandalf said apologetically. "I was delayed."
At that moment, they were interrupted by two people walking into the room. One was Sam. "Mr. Frodo!" he said. "It's nice to see you awake, even though we know you won't be quiet ever again."
The other was Elrond. "From what your friends tell me, it's going to be quite eventful here in Rivendell."
"As long as you don't have clowns here. Clowns are scary. Did you know that when I was five a clown killed me? Isn't that a sad story?"
Elrond looked at Gandalf and raised an eyebrow. "You never told me it was this bad."
"I didn't think you'd let him in," said Gandalf. "And we dearly need your help."
The next people to walk in were Merry, Pippin, and someone Frodo hadn't seen for quite some time.
"Bilbo!" Frodo exclaimed.
"Frodo, my lad! How is my sock?"
"Delicious and nutritious!"
"YOU ATE IT?!" Gandalf and Elrond had to pull Bilbo away from Frodo, so he wouldn't choke him to death.
The first thing they did, once Frodo was better, was through a humongous feast, in which the Hobbits, starved of elevenses, afternoon tea, dinner, and supper for quite some time, took to the delight of out-eating everyone at Rivendell, even Bilbo. Frodo engaged in some conversation with an old Dwarf, named Gloin, until Gloin got annoyed with him and threw an apple (what else?) at his head. (Those apples are sure plentiful)
"Well, it looks like Frodo is much better..." said Elrond, who was talking privately with Gandalf.
"Yes. Although he'll always have the wound."
"What's a silly scar have to do with anything?"
"You're going to make him go to Mordor. I know it."
"Dammit, I wish you weren't so psychic."
"He is just a young Hobbit, Elrond, I wish you would reconsider."
"He'll leave Rivendell sooner if he takes the Sock."
"The Sock is the only thing controlling him." Gandalf turned to Elrond. "Can't you keep the Sock here?"
"No, we cannot." Elrond explained. "Once everywhere is else destroyed by Sauron, he will turn to Rivendell. By ruling out everywhere else, Sauron will know the Sock is here. This evil belongs to all Middle-earth, not just the Elves. We are leaving, where will you place your trust when we are gone?"
Gandalf looked up at Elrond. "In men."
"Men are a virus!" Elrond shouted, then corrected himself. "I mean... Men are weak. I was there when the race of Men failed. Islidur refused to destroy the Sock 3000 years ago. What makes you think even the heir of Islidur can resist the power of the Sock?"
"We can ask no more of Frodo."
"He has been able to resist the Sock with hyperness being the only side-effect."
Gandalf stared at Elrond. "Pretty please?"
Elrond turned away. "We will discuss this later. It is time for the council."
During the oh-so-dramatic conversation between Elrond and Gandalf, Strider and Arwen were having a an oh-so-sweet moment.
"Do you really wish to bind yourself to me, forever, Arwen?"
"Yeah, sure. There aren't many cute Elf-guys here anyways."
"Okay, then."
But back to something not so pukey.
Frodo, Gandalf, Strider, Legolas and the unimportant elves, Gimli and the unimportant dwarves, as well as Boromir and the Old Guys of Gondor had come for the council.
"You are all summoned here," Elrond began, "To deal with a perilous threat. The One Sock has been found. Frodo," he turned to the lone Hobbit. "Bring forth the Sock."
"I DUN WANNA!" Everyone looked at the strange Hobbit.
"Bring forth the Sock."
"MAKE ME!"
"BRING FORTH THE SOCK!"
"Okie dokie!" Frodo hopped up from his seat and laid the Sock on the stand in the center, then skipped back to his seat. Murmurs went up from the crowd.
Boromir stood up. "We could use the Sock!! Why not use it AGAINST Mordor?"
"Because," said Strider, standing up. "It answers to Sauron alone. You cannot wield it."
"What makes you think I can't? You're just a stupid Ranger!"
It was then when Legolas the Elf, stood up and faced Boromir. "This isn't a stupid ranger. He's Aragorn! Son of Arathorn! And he's better then some stupid heir to the stewardship of Gondor! He's heir to the throne!"
Boromir scowled. "I thought Islidur's heir would be better looking," said he, causing the Old Guys of Gondor to scoot away from him just a tad.
"DUDE!" yelled Frodo unexpectedly. "I THOUGHT YOU WERE STRIDER!"
"That is what some call me in Bree," said Aragorn/Strider. "I did not feel I needed to tell you or anybody who I was at that moment." He sat down, followed by a mutter of, "Thanks a lot, Legolas."
Elrond silenced the now rather excited council. "We cannot wield the Sock. It must be destroyed."
"Can we eat it?"
Elrond glared at Frodo. "No, we cannot eat it. It must be brought deep into Mordor and cast into the fiery chasm from which it came. So... who wants to die?"
"MEEE! I DO!! MEEEE!" Frodo stood on his chair, waving his hands frantically.
Gandalf bowed his head. The hole-dweller's stupidity had gotten the best of him.
"But wait a minute, where are we going?" Frodo asked.
Gandalf stood up. "I will show you the way."
"And I will protect you." Aragorn/Strider also stood.
"And so will I."
"Me too!"
Legolas and Gimli, son of Gloin, a dwarf also volunteered.
"Hey, I have nothing better to do," said Boromir. "I will also come."
"And if I let Frodo out of my sight Gandalf will hurt me!" came a voice. Everyone looked over in the direction of a tree, where, hiding in plain daylight, stood Sam.
"WE'RE COMING TOO!" yelled two more voices. Merry and Pippin ran into the center of the council. Elrond was getting pissy.
"If Frodo dies," said Merry. "We can give the Sock to Pippin so we save on our Ritalin money."
"Fine," said Elrond. "You have volunteered for this mission, and I have no choice but to let you go on it. You shall be THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE SOCK!"
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" yelled Frodo and Pippin. Everyone looked at Pippin strangely, wondering why he was so hyper, and yet did not possess the Sock.
Merry shrugged apologetically. "Forgot to give him his Ritalin again."
Even though Elrond, and many others had advised him not too, Bilbo had invited Frodo back to his little house thing to give him a present.
"My old sword Sting! Go on, take it!"
Frodo lifted it up. "Oooo... shiny..."
"Yes! Yes!" said Bilbo. "Very shiny. And it becomes even more shiny when Orcs are near. Then it becomes useful as a SHARP OBJECT."
"Sharp objects..."
"Here's another shiny thing... MITHRIL!" Bilbo held up the Hobbit-sized mail vest. "Light as a feather! And really hard too."
"Shiny..."
"And yes. How can I forget SHINY?" Bilbo smiled and shook the vest again. "Go! Try it on!"
Frodo smiled back and began removing his shirt when the Sock fell out of his pocket. Bilbo looked down at it.
"Oh... my old Sock... I would... very much like to hold it... one last time."
"NO!" said Frodo. "It's MINE! MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE!"
Bilbo spontaneously turned into Gollum, scaring the hell out of Frodo. "Okay, fine," he said. "You can hold it for a LITTLE bit."
A few hours later, after finally getting the Sock back from Bilbo, the Fellowship decided it was time to leave and get rid of the nuscience of the Sock forever.
They walked for a while, until they came to a nice place to stop for lunch. Boromir almost killed Pippin, but got his comeuppance when he was tackled by his victim as well as Merry.
"Let's just go through Moria!" suggested Gimli. "My cousin Balin dwells there. We would certainly be able to pass through easily and unharmed by such devilries as Orcs, cave trolls, and Balrogs."
"I will not go through Moria," was Gandalf's reply.
They were interrupted by a cry from Frodo. "Look at all the pretty birds!!!" They quickly looked up at a large flock of birds.
"Hide!" yelled Legolas, and the Fellowship flew for cover underneath the rocks.
The birds passed and they came out from their hiding places.
"What WERE those things?" asked Sam.
"Crebain," said Gandalf.
"Sounds like some French food."
Gandalf glared at Merry. "They are not food unless they are cooked. They are spies of Saruman. The passage I had planned to use will not aid us. We must take the pass of Caradhras."
Snowy mountains are not Hobbit's friends. As the steep and slippery incline got worse and worse, Frodo ended up falling, and loosing the Sock in the process.
"MY SOCK!" he whined. "MY POOR LITTLE SOCK! IT'S LONELY AND COLD!!"
"I have found it!" cried Boromir. He picked it up and took a good look at it. "It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so stupid a thing..."
"IT'S NOT STUPID IT'S MY FRIEND!"
"Shhh, Frodo," whispered Aragorn. He took the Sock from Boromir and gave it back to Frodo, who gave it a hug and stuffed it back into it's pocket.
Then the snow then fell on top of everyone. Gandalf popped up first, then Aragorn, Boromir, and Legolas. The four dug in the snow for their more vertically challenged comrades.
"Listen!" said Legolas. "There is a fell voice in the air!"
"It is Saruman's," said Gandalf gruffly. "He's trying to bring down the mountain."
"We must get off the mountain!" said Aragorn. "It is too dangerous."
"Let us take the pass of Rohan," Boromir said.
"It is too close to Isengard," warned Gandalf. "We cannot risk it."
"No! If we can't go over the mountain, we shall go under it!" said Gimli.
"I SAY WE PAWN IT OFF!" yelled Frodo.
"Screw this!" said Gandalf. "We'll just go through Moria. Damn you Saruman!"
Nothing really happened on the way down the mountain, so we come now to the walls of Moria, next to a dark, suspicious, evil looking lake.
Gandalf rubbed the dirt on the wall. "The door will be revealed in the moonlight," he said, and they waited. Suddenly, the moon came out, and a silver light shone, revealing a door, with Elvish writing on it. "It says," Gandalf explained, "The Gates of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak, stupid, and enter. So if we speak the password, we will be able to get in. Gimli, what is the password?"
"I dunno!" said Gimli, getting rather indignant.
"Insolent dwarf!" said Boromir. "You told us your cousin owned this place!"
"I forgot..."
Frodo, getting bored with all the fighting, started to sing a song of his. "Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupidstupidstupidstupid STTTTTUUUUUUUUPPPPPIIIIIIIDDDDDDDD!" And with that, the doors opened. Everyone looked at Frodo in amazement.
"How did he know?" said Sam.
Frodo continued to sing his song. Pippin looked at Sam. "I don't think he did. Well," he continued. "Good bye, dark, suspicious, evil looking lake!" He through in a stone.
Aragorn smacked him. "Don't disturb the water you idiot!"
They went through the doors, when they heard a loud squeal from Frodo.
"Look! It's Dr. Happy!" they followed his gaze and saw something REALLY frightening. A man in a white coat.
"Pippin, Pippin," he said. "Your Ritalin prescription is running low."
Hearing those evil, evil words, they screamed and ran inside. Boromir, in a brief but deadly moment of stupidity, threw his shield at the doors as they closed, causing a cave-in.
"Oh, well," said Gandalf. "We're going through here anyways."
That's when they saw the skeletons. Countless short skeletons of the dwarves.
"I see dead people..." Frodo whispered, to no one in particular.
They covered Gimli's eyes as they walked through the corridor until they came to three passage ways.
"BLAST!" said Gandalf suddenly, making everyone jump. "I forgot which way to go." The Fellowship sat down, waiting for him to remember.
Frodo sat down, and looked around the desolate mine. Not being much to keep his interest, he focused his attention on a dark shape, until curiosity got the best of him. "Gandalf," he said. "What's that freaky looking doodie bug over there?"
"It's Gollum," said Gandalf quietly. "He's been trailing us for some time."
"I don't like him. He smells bad."
"Do not worry. He has some part to play yet."
They sat quietly for some time, when a loud, "AHA!" caused them all the jump again.
"STOP DOING THAT!" yelled Merry and Pippin.
"Quiet!" said Aragorn. "This means he has remembered the way."
"No, actually, I just guessed. But it's better then nothing." They headed down the third hall, until they came to a very well-lighted room, in the terms of Moria.
Gimli, realizing just what was in that room, feel to his knees.
Gandalf walked over, "It is a tomb. Here lies Balin, son of Hrundin, Lord of Moria."
The others bowed there heads, and Gandalf bent down and picked up a book and began reading. "It seems they were trapped by Orcs and could not get out."
Aragorn looked at him. "How do you know?"
"It says it here repeatedly," replied Gandalf. "'We cannot get out. We cannot get out. We cannot get out. We cannot get out. We cannot get out.' There's something here that says `We cannot get...' and then the word is smeared... but I'm betting that word is out."
Pippin looked over at all the creepy skeletons, as well as one sitting on the well. He poked it and giggled a little bit, then poked it again, and again, and again, and again, and all of a sudden, for some strange reason (ahem), fell into the well and made enough noise to make the dead.
Everyone immediately looked towards Frodo, but he was sitting quietly on the ground singing a song. Their next reflex was to look at Pippin, who, being the culprit, was facing away, whistling innocently.
"You fool of a Took!" snapped Gandalf. "Next time, throw yourself in, and save us some money on Ritalin!"
Pippin looked sheepishly at the ground. Gandalf opened his mouth to yell again, but they were interrupted by the sound of drums...
Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom.
"Drums go BOOM!" said Frodo delightfully, but the others were not so careless.
Boromir ran to close the door and almost got a head full of arrows for it. He quickly closed the door and turned around towards the group. "They have a cave troll!"
They barred the door with some dead-dwarf weapons, but the Orcs wasted no time in boring holes through the doors. The Fellowship draws their weapons. Legolas, his bow, Gimli his axe, and the rest their swords, save Sam and his Frying Pan of Death. The door broke open and the Orcs rushed in.
When they finally gained control of the Orcs, an even more greater peril came upon them as the cave troll smashed through the remaining doors, and began killing almost as many Orcs as the Fellowship had. Of course, he was trying to kill the Fellowship, so it still wasn't very nice.
And, for the convenience of the movie, the first member the troll tried to kill was, of course, Frodo, though the rest of the Fellowship couldn't blame him. It took it's freaky-lookin spear thing and jabbed it into Frodo's side. This caused all of the Fellowship to gasp and look at the supposedly-dying Frodo. But the mithril coat stayed loyal.
Frodo, still amazingly alive, jumped on top of the troll's head, trying (much in vain) to stab his sword through it's head. He was much to hyper to be a very strong swordsman. The troll, dumb as it was, tried looking up at Frodo to see what was poking his head. Legolas took this opportunity and shot an arrow through the troll's neck, killing it.
Everyone cheered, though they did not know if it was for Legolas, or the cave troll that almost killed Frodo. Gandalf looked down at Frodo. "What secret do you hide, Frodo Baggins?"
Frodo looked up at them and blinked. "I have a cat!"
"No!!" said Sam. "How did you survive, Mr. Frodo?"
"That spear would have skewered a wild boar," said Aragorn.
"Oh!" Frodo smiled. "I have a shiny coat!"
"Ooooo..." said Pippin, looking at his mithril. "Shiny coat..."
They heard the noise of more Orcs approaching."Come!" said Gandalf. "We must get out of here! To the bridge of Khazad-dum!" They began to run, but were soon surrounded by Orcs.
There was something else in Moria though, that even Orcs were frightened by. It gave a loud roar, and they all peed their pants (or whatever they had closest to pants) and ran away.
"What could scare Orcs?" Boromir said, to no one in particular.
Gandalf's face was grim. "A Balrog."
"Hee hee hee..." Frodo giggled. "Balrog's a funny word. Balroooog. Balrooooog. Balrooooog."
"Shut him up!" said Legolas, and Merry blocked Frodo's mouth with the gag Tom Bombadil had given them.
"Can we run yet?" asked Pippin.
Gandalf broke out of his trance. "Yes. RUN!"
And so they ran. And they ran along ways too, down long stairs and narrow passage-ways. They reached the bridge and ran across it in single file, still being followed by the Balrog. ("Hee hee hee...") Gandalf paused in the center of the bridge and waited.
The Balrog, which is an extremely creepy and ugly demon of the underworld, appeared, with long horns and wings and crap. It carried a whip, and scared the living daylights out of the Fellowship.
"GO BACK TO THE SHADOW!" yelled Gandalf, raising his staff. "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"
The Balrog ignored him and proceeded to go on with his business, but Gandalf repeated himself. "YOU! SHALL! NOT! PASS!"
And with this he slammed his staff into the ground, breaking the bridge and sending the Balrog deep into the chasm which the bridge had spanned. Gandalf gave a look of triumph, and was about to turn around, when the Balrog's whip (which must be really long) caught him on the ankle and pulled him off the bridge. He managed to say "Fly, you fools!" before he fell into the abyss.
As Boromir and Aragorn carried the Hobbits away, Frodo experienced his first serious moment since the Sock first came to him. They quickly ran from Moria, and paused just outside of his gates, where Aragorn, now the leader of the Fellowship, allowed them to rest for a little bit.
"He's gone..." said Frodo sadly. "He told me about the sock... and... and... he's goooooooooooooooooooooone!" The others could only look at Frodo in sympathy.
"Come," said Aragorn. "We must be going."
Boromir looked at him in surprise. "Gandalf just DIED, you idiot, can't you give them a moment's rest?"
"I wish I could, but I can't," Aragorn said. "By nightfall, this place will be swarming with Orcs. We must get to Lothlorien."
"Oh fine, be that way."
They packed up what little they had left and continued on.
"I got a lovely bunch of coconuts, (deedaleedeedee) there they are a-standing in a row!" sang the Hobbit loudly.
"Stay close; stay quiet," Gimli warned Frodo as they entered the woods of Lothlorien. "Legend tells of a great sorceress in these woods. All who look upon her fall into her spell, and are never heard from again."
"Oooooooooooo... scaaaaaaaaarrrryyyyyyyyyy..."
"SHH!"
In a split second, the Fellowship was surrounded by Elves, bows drawn.
"The Hobbit babbles so loudly we could have shot him in the dark," said one.
Frodo gave a sob. "JUST BECAUSE I'M SPECIAL DOESN'T MEAN I'M DIFFERENT... oh wait, yeah, it does."
The Elves led the companions deep into Lothlorien, in the company of Lord Celeborn and the Lady Galadriel.
"Eight... there... are... here... but... nine... there... were... set... out... from... Rivendell..." said Celeborn. "Where... is... Gandalf... for... I..." The Fellowship was about to fall asleep. "have... much... desire... to... speak... with..." he paused for a VERY long time. "...him."
"He has fallen into shadow," said Galadriel, snapping everyone awake. "But do not worry," she continued. "Tonight you shall sleep in peace."
It was then when a REALLY CREEPY voice entered Frodo's head. "You bring great evil here, Frodo Baggins of the Shire" It was the voice of Galadriel. "You yourself will scare the city."
Frodo screamed. "LA LA LA I'M NOT LISTENING! LA LA LA I'M NOT LISTENING!"
The Elves looked at Frodo.
"It's the Sock," said the Fellowship in unison.
"You can rest, Boromir," said Aragorn, trying to make him sleep, now that they had been ushered to their quarters. "It's not like the Elves are going to kill you."
"She... she spoke of my father..." Boromir stuttered.
"Who?"
"The Lady Galadriel."
"Stupid, she didn't say anything about your father."
"Stupid, she said it in my head! Didn't she say anything like that to you, or are you not special? What did she speak of in your head?" challenged Boromir.
"I'm not going to tell you."
"Fine then!"
"Fine."
The Fellowship had begun to sleep, but Frodo and Sam were awakened by the sounds of footsteps. The Lady Galadriel walked passed. They quietly got up and followed her to a large basin set in stone. She took some water from a fountain and poured it into the basin.
"Will you look into my mirror?" she said.
"SURE!" said Frodo, rather eager to jump in, but Sam held him back.
"What will we see?"
"I cannot tell you that. The Mirror shows many things. Things that are, things that were, and things that have not yet come to be..."
"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Frodo, smiling stupidly up at the Elven-queen.
She sighed in what seemed close to frustration. "It means you shall see things that already happened, some things that are happening, and some things that will happen in the future."
"Oooooooo! GYPSIES!" yelled Frodo.
Sam looked at Galadriel apologetically. "I'll look in first, Mr. Frodo," he said. "To make sure it's safe."
All Galadriel said was, "Do not touch the water."
Sam cautiously leaned down over the basin and looked into the mirror. It was true, he saw many things. Frodo, various members of the Fellowship, a giant spider, as well as Rosie Cotton from back home. He stepped back into the mirror and blushed slightly. "Well, it seems safe enough," he said. "It's your turn, Frodo."
"Remember," said Galadriel. "Do not touch the..." ... but it was too late. Frodo was already playing in the water, even splashing Sam with some. Suddenly, there was a big explosion, and the three were flown to the floor, covered in ash.
Galadriel stood up, trying to control her anger.
Frodo, who, even though hyper, was NOT stupid, and asked her politely, "You look sad. Would you like to borrow my Sock?"
The Lady paused. "Yes... I could use this Sock," she stated as she put on a nice little light and shadow show for the two Hobbits. "Instead of a Dark Lord there would be a DARK QUEEN! ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR! " she stopped, and he power of the Sock passed over her. "No... no..." she continued. "I will stay in Lothlorien and remain Galadriel. Though I still wouldn't mind some power."
Sam quickly led Frodo away back to their quarters.
Back at Isengard, Saruman with the Girly Hands was giving one of his mutant Orcs, lovingly called his `Uruk-hai', a pep talk. "Even though you are bleeding profusely from the mouth," said Saruman. "I must place my trust in you. WHOM DO YOU SERVE?"
"SARUMAN WITH THE GIRLY HANDS!"
"You do not know pain, you do not know fear, you do not know how to add fractions." Saruman commanded, talking to his whole firken army of Orcs. "One of the halflings carries something I want. Kill the rest and bring me the halflings, alive. No kicking, punching, hitting, pushing, eating or otherwise maiming them in someway, shape, or form."
As far as the Fellowship was concerned, they were all very much alive, to the disgust of Saruman. After leaving Lothlorien in three gratefully given Elven-ships, (hey, it was the only way to get Frodo out of there). Galadriel, of course, had given them gifts, notably Frodo, who got a really shiny perfume bottle filled with light from a star.
They paddled for a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY long time, since the River Anduin was REALLY, REALLY, REALLY long. They could see the Uruk-hai marching on the eastern shore, but since they were afraid of water or boats or Sam or something, they did not attack.
They came to a bend in the river. Aragorn smacked Frodo on the head, who was mumbling something. "Look... the Argonath... long have I desired to look upon the kings of old... my kings... my kin..."
Frodo looked up and saw two giant statues of men, their left hands outstretched, palm out, as if in warning. As the company rode past them, Frodo poked one hard in the toe, causing the large statue to tremble, then fall sideways into the ground. But for some odd reason, the rest of the Fellowship did not notice. Frodo got away with whistling innocently and they stopped at a wayside rest station for something none other then REST!
There they discussed where they would go next. "We will cross the river at nightfall," said Aragorn, "and approach Mordor from the north."
"On FOOT?" cried Pippin. "I was starting to like those boats."
"I think we should leave right away," said Legolas.
"There's Orcs over there on that them there eastern shore," said Aragorn. "We wait until nightfall."
"Who cares about the eastern shore?" challenged Legolas. "It's this one that really gets to me. Something draws near..." he said, causing every fan girl in the vicinity of 150 miles to gurgle and make funny noises. "I can feel it."
"We wait until nightfall," Aragorn repeated, ending the conversation.
It was then that Sam noticed something. "Hey... Frodo's missing..."
Aragorn instinctively looked over in the direction of Boromir. He was also not there. Fearing the worst, he goes off to look for him, the rest of the Fellowship following.
Frodo was walking along in the forest, haven gotten bored with the serious conversation, he decided he would go look for pumpernickels. Boromir had followed him, wondering what a pumpernickel was. It wasn't a downside that Frodo had the Sock, either. He caught up with Frodo and called to him.
"You shouldn't be walking alone, Frodo,"
"I can do whatever I want!" said Frodo, "For I... AM A POST-IT NOTE!"
Boromir ignored him. "Would you want to lend me the Sock, Frodo? I only wish to use it to aid my people."
"Lemme think... ummmmmmmmmmmmmm... NO!"
"GIVE! ME! THE SOCK!"
"It's mine!" said Frodo triumphantly, and on his hand went the Sock. He went along invisibly singing, "Jelllly! ...I like to eat Jelllllly! ...I like to eat Jelllly! ...JELLY ON A SANDWHICH!"
"I SEE YOUR MIND!" yelled Boromir. "YOU WILL GIVE THE SOCK TO SAURON AND SELL US ALL! DAMN YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU -" he took a big breath, "UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"
But Frodo couldn't hear him because he was singing so loudly. He then decided that the only reason the Fellowship liked him was because HE had a Sock. THE Sock. He was special, and he didn't want to share. He would go to Mordor alone, mostly because he had nothing better to do.
"FRODO!!" yelled Sam, "FRODO! MR. FRODO!"
"FRODO!! PLEASE!! YOU HAVE MY RITALIN!!!"
"FRODO!! PLEASE!! YOU HAVE PIP'S RITALIN!!!"
But it was no use, Frodo was well out of earshot to hear his friend's cries. The Sock now off his hand, he made his way back to the boats, and was about to steal one and make off with it, when he heard Sam's voice. "MR. FRODO! MR. FRODO!"
He hopped into the boat. "Can't come with me, Sam," Frodo said. "I'm going to Mordor alone."
"And I'll come with you. You'll get into trouble if you don't."
"No, Sam, you can't."
But Sam, being the stubborn Hobbit as he was, waded into the river. "You're not leaving without me, Mr. Frodo!"
As for the other members of the Fellowship, they weren't faring so well either. They might have been looking for Frodo, but they Uruk-hai found them first. "glurrgssssskkkksaaaaslllggggggg FIND THE HALFLINGS! gllllllllllllllllllyyyurrrggssssswwwwwwwoooooofffffhhhhggggg" yelled one. "FIND THE HALFLINGS! glluuuuurrrrrrrrrhhhkkkkssssssss"
"Sam, you idiot of a beaver!" yelled Frodo. "You can't swim!"
"Yes I can!"
"No, you can't!"
"OH, CRAP, I CAN'T!" And Sam proceeded to drown. Not one to leave his friends for dead, (he obviously didn't know what was happening with the Uruk-hai) Frodo quickly paddled over to Sam, and with amazing strength, pulled him up out of the water.
"I ain't gonna leave you, Mr. Frodo," said Sam. "I dun care if Gandalf's dead, he still scares the heck out of me."
Having reached a nice, safe hilltop to rest at before they continued their trek to Mordor, Sam and Frodo sat down to eat. Frodo reached into his bag and pulled out a bottle. "Take one with each second breakfast..." he read off the bottle. "Uh oh..." he said. "I got Pippin's Ritalin."
