Crash
by Elektra
(elektrasfic
(at) yahoo.co.uk)
"Let me be the
one you call
If you jump I will
break your fall
Lift you up and fly away
with you into the night
If you need to fall
apart
I can mend a broken
heart
If you need to crash
then crash and burn
You're not alone"
Crash and Burn --
The ancient walls of the Massassi temple had stood for longer than anyone had been able to remember. Han Solo just hoped they could survive another Rebel victory party. He'd managed to avoid the rowdy crowd of pilots that had swarmed around Luke, taking himself off to a corner of the room to survey the proceedings. Their jubilation at taking out three of the Empire's best Star Destroyers showed no signs of fading. Han realised that this was the spot he'd taken for the Rebel celebration after the destruction of the first Death Star, feeling overwhelmed by the number of people wanting to congratulate him. Luke, as always, was in the thick of things, quite happily joining in the loud drinking game that had sprung up. And judging by the speed at which he was imbibing he would be paying dearly for it tomorrow morning. As always.
For some reason, tonight Han felt on the edge of the party. He told himself it was to do with the fact that, despite sticking around, he wasn't a full fledged member of the Rebellion, a fact that was unlikely to change any time soon, contrary to the best efforts of Leia Organa. Looking toward the bar, he failed to spot her diminutive figure in the midst of Alliance High Command that had gathered there. He recalled the way Leia had looked that afternoon, presenting medals to the surviving pilots. He was sure that no-one else had noticed the strained look in her eyes. They were far too busy worshipping their princess. Anger bubbled up inside him at the masses prevailing look-but-don't-touch attitude to Leia Organa. They treated her like a goddess, afraid to get too close in case she turned out to be something resembling human rather than the idol they'd set her up to be. They sure as hell didn't think that their precious figurehead could fall apart. Certainly he'd always been told that royalty didn't do that sort of thing. Then again, Leia didn't really class as royalty in anything but name. Han recalled the spoilt, noble brats he'd been forced into school with, to con their parents into buying shares in a fake mining company. He couldn't see any one of them turning into a person quite like Leia. Hell, he doubted there was another person quite like Leia.
Her frequent absences from functions like this worried him. He'd seen enough trauma to know bad signs at a glance. Even though the Death Star was six months dead, she'd never seemed to make any progress. She worked, ate and slept automatically, often skipping one of the latter two. Something told Han that Her Highnessness just wasn't dealing.
Pushing himself away from the wall, Han surveyed the party more closely, hoping to catch a glimpse of her. He realised that she was nowhere to be seen amongst the throng of bodies. Again. It seemed to have become a ritual of hers to attend a victory party long enough to smile brightly, ensure morale was boosted and then slip away into the background. He guessed parties like this must be hard for her to deal with. He knew all too well that there was no worse place to be miserable than somewhere where everyone else was raucously happy. Setting his glass down, he headed for the exit. He'd had his fill of fun for the night. A somewhat unstable Luke blocked his way halfway across the room.
"Great party, huh?" The wave of alcohol fumes that came his way nearly caused Han to choke.
"Yeah kid." Not wanting to hang around he continued, "Look, I'm just heading off for some air, okay?" Luke looked disappointed but was too drunk to put together a coherent argument in time.
Outside the central hall the sounds of the gathering were muted, the base otherwise eerily quiet. The overhead lights threw uneven shadows off the stone walls, seemingly pulling them in. Feeling suddenly trapped, he stepped into a nearby turbolift heading for the roof. Maybe some fresh air would get rid of this strange mood.
***
A cool breeze stirred the jungle, causing a flock of birds to rise into the air. The only being watching them was a small woman, leaning on the short wall that ran around the small roof of the temple. Only light from the lamp over the turbolift hatch lit her face. She wore her usual garb of neck to ankle white, but in deference to the climate the gown was sleeveless.
Leia tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear, involved in her own thoughts. For some reason she had felt the need to come up here, to experience the solitude and the warm night. Usually she just went back to her quarters to finish some datawork. She had to admit she was becoming almost completely isolated from the rest of the base. The only group with whom she actually had regular contact was a mixture of generals, high-ranking intelligence officers and the few she'd laughingly christened her 'heroes'. Luke, Chewie, the droids, and, when it suited him, Han. Recently she found herself withdrawing even from them. For some reason, she found she couldn't face them, face their friendship.
It was no secret what had happened to her on the Death Star, at least in the general sense. The painful details would never be revealed. She had thought she was getting past it, finally able to shut some of it away. Then the nightmares had re-started and her life had stopped. That was real reason she was on the roof tonight. Leia Organa, former Imperial Senator was afraid to sleep.
***
The servos at the top of the turbolift
squeaked as the carriage ground to a somewhat shaky halt. A true testament to
the utilitarian nature of life with the
Out of the corner of his eye he caught sight of a flash of white. He calmed his instinctive reach for his blaster as he recognised the small white-draped woman. He decided that whether she wanted to see him or not, he was rather curious about the reason Her Highness was hiding out up here.
Leia could see Han heading toward her and knew that her dismal attempt to fade into the stonework had failed. She debated the merits of jumping over the wall to avoid him. He'd want answers as to why she was hiding out on the roof instead of living it up with the masses. She'd try and lie to him and get a lecture on taking care of herself in return. It was a long-established pattern of theirs. She had to admit that it was nice to think that he cared enough about her to come hunt her down. If only he didn't have to get so smug and superior so often. Her window of opportunity for jumping off the edge to avoid him had suddenly closed. He moved in beside her, studiously propping his elbows on the wall and scanning the jungle beyond. Leia just crossed her arms in preparation for the coming battle.
Han managed to look out at the darkness for a full minute before attempting conversation. He also decided that, judging by the look on her face, open digging would get him nowhere.
"Hey."
"Hi." She almost bit out the word, turning back to gaze into nothingness.
"Nice night."
"It was." Han got the impression he was losing the battle already.
"Why aren't you at the party?" Then again,
directness never hurt anybody. That often.
"I didn't feel like a party." Leia knew she was becoming defensive and that only served to anger her further. The nerve of the man, making her answer for her actions!
"Seems like you don't feel like much lately." If he kept riling her she would storm off and that would leave both of them with bruises.
He shifted onto one elbow to look at her more closely. In the dim light he noticed the dark smudges under her large dark eyes. She didn't reply to that, just stared steadfastly straight ahead. His initial hunch was right then. Something was bothering her and it was something big.
"Princess?" She shifted her gaze to her hands on the wall, studying her nails.
Why can't he see that I don't want to talk about it? And if I did, he would be the last person on base I'd want to talk to. Unfortunately Han seemed to manage to ignore any telepathic signals she was sending out. She realised she was unlikely to get rid of him while he was still concerned over her welfare. Rallying her spirits she pasted a smile on her face and raised her head to look at his chest.
"Really Han, I'm fine. You go back inside and enjoy the party." He took her chin in his hand, gently forcing her to look at him.
"Now look me in the eyes and say it and I might just believe you." She couldn't. She got as far as opening her mouth to speak, but the words just wouldn't come. Frustrated, she turned back to the jungle. Han stepped in closer to her, but his height and the fact that he had the light behind him masked his face from her view. Leia took an involuntary step backwards and found herself pinned into the corner. She could see from his stance she was in for a scolding. Determined to take it like an Organa, she stared at the ground in front of her feet. He didn't say anything. Unnerved by his silence she looked back at him. He was lounging against the wall, a small smile playing across his face. Bastard.
"What?" she asked defensively. If he didn't say something soon, she'd start removing some of his teeth the hard way.
"What's going on Leia?" Solo's tone was almost gentle, like he might actually be interested. He'd used her name. He hardly ever did that.
Leia felt her eyes suddenly fill with tears. She turned away sharply, not wanting him to see her vulnerable. Her breath sounded harsh in her chest as she tried not to shiver. The night that had seemed pleasantly warm had become bitterly cold to her. The warmth of his hands on her upper arms sent a jolt through her. She resisted the temptation to step back into his embrace. Shocked at that thought, Leia wondered Where did that come from? I don't even like him. Do I?
She let him guide her away from the wall, towards a stone block that was in the centre of the square roof. Numbly she sat down, trying to avoid his gaze, not wanting him to know anything. His hands never left her arms as he sat on the opposite side of the block to her. His thumbs gently ran up the back of her arms, giving her goosebumps. She pulled away slightly, turning to look at him. His normally hazel eyes were dark green. She took a deep breath and began.
"It's… it's..." she started. Han nodded his head in encouragement.
"Something to do with the fact that you've been avoiding contact with just about everyone?" He prodded gently, not wanting her to clam up on him again.
"Remember Yllek?" she murmured.
Yllek was a swampy planet, covered
in various forms of smelly aquatic life. It was also the site for one of the Empire's
penal colonies. Leia had been on the team that had set up the mission to raid
it, freeing some valuable political prisoners and gaining a lot of information
on prisoner transfers. Unfortunately the information provided by the spy
network was false, the informant having miraculously failed to notice the new
security garrison being built to reinforce the defences. The
"That wasn't your fault." Han said but the words sounded painfully inadequate.
"I was the one who verified the information. I should have checked it more closely." She visibly hung her head.
"Leia. There was nothing you could have done." he studied her to make sure his words at least registered. "It was a trap. The scum who sold you the information conveniently disappeared the day after he got paid."
"But I should have known!"
"How? Sweetheart, I hate to break it to you, but this universe doesn't run to the whims of anybody." He could see her at last beginning to digest some of his words. She bit her lip as she mulled it over. There was obviously something more and she was internally debating how much to tell him. It didn't matter, he could guess.
"Nightmares?"
The word caused her to jerk her head around to look at him, as if she were afraid of what he might know. He smiled gently at her.
"Been there, done that Your Highnessness." Han realised that he'd just left himself wide open.
"Do they ever go away?" Her voice was small, like a child's. He could see that she really didn't want to be talking about it to him, but she needed to know the answers.
"Yes, they go away. When you've dealt with whatever it is, they go away."
She jumped off the stone. "I thought I had!" She was angry with herself for losing control over this whole issue.
"Whoa easy!" He held up his hands as if to defend himself. "I'm just the hired help."
"As you keep reminding us so frequently." There was a muffled bang as someone managed to open the large windows in the hall. Strains of music and raucous laughter drifted up towards them.
"Leia." He waited until she focussed on him again. "They will go. You will get through this."
"What if I don't? What if I can't?"
He could see the cracks forming in her royal exterior, the desperation in her eyes. On impulse he went to her and wrapped his arms around her. She stiffened in his embrace, then her arms stole around his waist.
"I just want to go home."
Her whisper nearly broke his heart. He was reminded just how young she was and how much she'd lost. He tightened his hold on her, feeling her tears soak into his shirt. They stood like that for a long time, both unwilling to break the moment and unsure how to.
Eventually they awkwardly moved apart. Leia straightened her dress and tried not to look at Han.
As his mind returned to reality, Han realised that he recognised the slow song that was playing in the background. The party had obviously got to that point where everyone was drunk enough to think that romance was a good idea. On impulse he offered his hand to the Princess.
"Fancy a dance?"
She raised an eyebrow at him like he was crazy. He suspected he was.
"C'mon." He put on his best Imperial manners as he bowed toward her. He could see a disbelieving smile start to spread across her face. She took his hand anyway.
He slid his hand around her waist as she laid her hand on his biceps, a perfectly courtly dance position. As they moved around the roof he was struck by the ease at which they danced together. He was a pretty ungainly dancer at the best of times, and so out of practise he was surprised that his joints weren't squeaking. She followed his lead into a perfect spin.
As she settled back into his arms he noticed that her eyes seemed lighter. Leaning in closer than was strictly necessary he surreptitiously inhaled the scent of her hair while whispering,
"Better?"
She smiled back at him, a real smile that reached her eyes, lighting up the planet for Han.
"Thank you."
Her voice was so quiet he almost missed the words. Confident she'd carry on, longer and stronger than anyone ever could, he led her into another twirl, laughing as she carried on spinning for the sheer hell of it. This was worth fighting for.