Kill Creek – Proving Winter Cruel

 

unsteady I’ll stay sober when I come home this October, and I’ll break the windows and let the chill put us to sleep.  But if I were to stay for a while, I’d reprise the same condescending style; I should go, I agree, I let it take over me, and we’re both so tired of this pacifying.  Give me the week and I’ll be leavin’ I’ll be waiting for things to calm down.  You just want me to say I’m afraid to commit to anything.  But I’m not ready to say that yet.  I’m unsteady, I guess I’m drunk already, but this could be the call that finally hangs me outside to dry.  I’m so nervous, I guess I got drunk on purpose, but if I’ve done nothing wrong, then why are we already screaming?

 

all ears  I came by to make you angrier again.  Gonna try to make you angrier enough, ‘cause I’m all ears now.  Volunteer how I’m gonna’ find a way to keep this civilized.  It’d help if you’d just tell me what to say.  It’d help if you’d just tell me anything.  ‘cause I’m all ears now.  Volunteer how, ‘cause I’m not askin’ anymore.  I’m not askin’ anymore how I’m gonna find a way to keep this civilized.  If you fall back on anger now, I swear you are forgiven.  ‘Cause your anger suits you, it makes you beautiful and gives you confidence to come at me with more than your bare hands.  I’m not here to break you, but my words tonight are all the careful, chosen, hurting kind; I’m tryin’ to say that I, I’m tryin’ to say that I, I’m tryin’ to say that I’ve stopped tryin’.  And if your rise above, if you rise at all, it’ll probably be now.

 

binky I guess I’ve got myself an hour to go; a mouthful of these are gonna make me sleep ‘cause I can’t trust my own two hands.  But I know you don’t care about my stupid, self-derisive sight, I’ve been dropped down to nothing’.  Baby, call the shots you’re all I got now.  I guess I’ve got myself a waste of time.  I carry a grudge just to keep me awake, ‘cause I will hate my own best friends.  But now you don’t care about my stupid, self-derisive sight.  I’ve been dropped down to nothin’.  Baby, call the shots, you’re all I got now. And maybe you could be my only, ‘cause the biggest lie in this world is that I’m all right.   And the kids in town have too much cool for laughin’ now, so the worst of times ain’t funny ‘round here no more.

 

with you around  well the cancer of the twisted word has pulled apart the confidence you’ve encouraged.  And the reasons that I’ve breakin’ now seem to be the kinds of things you’re letting go.  And yesterday this all got harder, ‘cause last night I was alone, and I wanted you with me, and I knew where you would be found.  And I wanted t you with me, ‘cause I couldn’t hurt myself with you around.  But the car outside our house had you to himself and that’s when I knew that every promise we had made about always being there and different meaning now.

 

dirty hands  Wash your dirty hands, ‘cause you’ve had them all over me. Scrub with Brillo pads, but I know you’ll never come clean. And your friends say you’re the victim, I keep hearin’ that I was the wrong’ it’s like my eight years were all one big con ‘cause I, ‘cause I said we’d be forever, and I know I made that change.  Now we can’t even be together even though you know that right now I could use the friend to talk to.  These days my needs don’t mean anything. Eyes are never dry since the night you ran when I asked for help.  Talk of suicide made you wish you’d invested in someone else. And I know you touched my heart and drew back a crippled fist, but I need to hear the kind lips I kissed for years.  And I said we’d be forever and I know I made that change.  Now we can’t even be together long enough to let resentment go away.  I thought things had settled.  I guess things’ll rise to fall.  And our history misled me, so I was too comfortable.  ‘Cause you were so dutiful, I figured I’d always have it made, and then suddenly you’re willing to trade losses for the saves.  And right now I could use a friend to talk to, but these days my needs don’t mean anything.  Your brand new friends have me all wrong; tell them how I always mean well.  I feel the wedge they drive, so right now I’m pissed as hell.  And I could use a friend to talk to.  These days my needs don’t mean anything.

 

the role model  Well I saw you out last night; you were drinkin’.  And it looked like a good time, and now I hear different:  how the teeth that cut your lip as you’re grinning draw the blood that shows the lengths you’ll go not to burden the world.  To the hurting kind, you’re a role model.  It takes guts to save your pain from your friends.  I heard things are going well; that’s the rumor.  But you called to bring me down, so I will know better.  how the smile that hurts your face is so tiring; ‘cause I know the effort brings only bitterness.  To the hurting kind, you’re some kind of role model.  It takes guts to save your pain from your friends.

 

six by two  I’ll be back to pull the garden.  Spring has proven winter cruel.  And all of summer’s beauty lies there rotting.  Stripped like yours from you.  And I know I can’t stand remembering the dirt under our fingernails.  The silence, your defense, tired over tired hand.  And we spent December given our best shot at hating; but now, as I remember, we had no reason to abuse.  I’ll force God to notice that He is giving nothing back.  And all of us were wet our in the boneyard; He washed the tears from you.  And I know you deserve none of this, my distance as we stole flowers from his grave.  The silence, my defense; tired over tired hand.  And I recall the ways you pretended not to notice, but we both sowed the soil that grew only what could die.  And if you believe that I tried only to deceive: you know that’s not true.

 

lullaby  If I could go away, all by myself I’d give a break to your perfect, tired face; you haven’t slept since I got in.  And I’m held here prisoner of the foolish things we counted on.  Ambition lets me down at the worst times.  I keep telling you my whole life story; you sleep tonight, and I’ll hear yours tomorrow.  That is, if you feel like talking at all;  ‘cause it’s not your style, but I would sure like to know you better.  rise and drop like a cannonball; you’ve been too quick to blame yourself.  Before we fall asleep, let me stare in the eyes that carried me.  Soon I think I should go; I want to go home.  Before I leave, I think I deserve to know you better.

 

chromosome  If I weren’t falling as my mother’s poetaster, then I’d make a living off my life’s disasters.  I get the feeling they’ll take control of me before too long.  I’ve made no secret of your great biology, and I’m afraid to face my own anthropology, but I know it’ll take control of me before too long.  And I, I’m not lookin’ to make the perfect baby, but you’ve got some chromosomes I can’t afford to let go.  So if you ever get the mind for mine, then I’d love to be the first in line.

 

falsified  Eight years falsified by the last days I crushed your pride with the weight of five months crashing down in between us;  three nights not one can repair.  And our cats are so playful while we fight; they’re used to our years of sharpened claws.  And it takes all those away, to know you feel now, all of eight years falsified, so I’m gonna push for the distance.  I feel no room to rebuild.  And I’m not gonna fight for the last word; I stole the first, after all.  And our cats are so playful while we fight, they’re used to our years of sharpened claws.  And it takes all those away, to know you feel now, all of eight years falsified.

 

punishment  Who gave you exclusive right to be sad?  ‘Cause I’m not doing so well myself.  And when I should come around, I really want to see you, but I don’t’ want to take the punishment of knowing that my loyalty serves only now to punish me --- by knowing I can’t run away.  Who gave you fiat’s grace to be angry and gave me the word to keep mine inside?  Well, if I should come around.  I’m sure I really want to see you, but I don’t want to take the punishment of knowing that my loyalty is serving only now to punish me --- by knowing I can’t run away.