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Are You a True Southerner? |
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"Mama always said, 'If you can't say something nice about some one, come sit next to me.' " |
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Howdy yall! Just so as you know, this here part is to tell you what to be expecting below that there blue line. Are you a TRUE Southerner? If not, would you know how to pick one out of a line-up? Well, fear not, my friends. Our team of cracked scientists have been hard at work compiling useless information and spening billions of dollars (we wish) to compile this treatise on the habits of a true Southerner. |
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Gives directions via local landmarks and history. Example; "Go to the old Sears building, you know, where they had that robbery back in '75. Course, that ain't the Sears building no more, it's been a bowling alley since 1986" |
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Reveres only two once living beings as divine. Jesus and Bear Bryant. |
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Most ALWAYS has SOMEONE they call "aunt" or "uncle" that is of absolutely no blood relation at all! |
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NEVER considers ANYONE from Florida as being a Southerner. |
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STILL refers to the Civil War as "The War of Northern Agression" |
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Homecoming to an alumnus of ANY Southern College takes precedence over ANYTHING else, including childbirth. |
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To a true Southerner, college football rivalries are grounds for divorce. |
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A true Southerner knows EXACTLY where "Over Yonder" is. |
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A true Southerner would NEVER admit to being from Mississippi. |
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A true southerner refers to ALL forms of soda as "Coke", regardless of the brand name. |
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A true Southerner, if wealthy enough, owns a house that has a name, usually accompanied by a violent, gory history that he or she is all too happy to share in polite conversation. |
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When a true Southerner says "nice", they usually mean something far too obscene to be repeated here. The same rule applies to "cute". |
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The nicer a true Southern woman is to you, the more likely you'll feel the sudden urge to reach around and pluck that freshly planted dagger from you spine. |
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To a true Southerner, if it's not fried, it's not food. |
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After EVERY true Southern funeral, there is ALWAYS a gathering. At said gatheringyou will find the three staple funeral foods: Fried chicken, devilled eggs (ALWAYS served on a devilled egg plate. To do otherwise is actually against the law) and sweet tea. This is without exception |
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To a true Southerner, everywhere is described as "up". For example, "We're going up to the store." |
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True Southerners NEVER consider Texas as part of the South. To a true Southerner, the south consists SOLELY of North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, West Virginia, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, and PARTS of Louisiana. |
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ONLY a true Southerner knows NOT to sugar on grits. For that matter, only a true Southerner knows what grits are in the first place (No, it's NOT Malt-a-meal) |
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A true Southerner knows what a Waffle House is and most likely has eatne there on more than one occassion. In fact, true Southerners have at least 34 Waffle Houses within a five mile radius of where they live. |
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A true Southern woman will actualy change Universities if they do not get into the sorority they want. |
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The three most important moments in a true Southern woman's life are, in order of importance: Being elected Homecoming Queen or Miss something-or-other, Her Debutante ball and her wedding day. |
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Only a true Southerner can find their way around Atlanta. |
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To a true Southerner, you're "not from around here" until your family has lived at least three generations there. |
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Only a true Southerner knwos the answer to the question "Where are your people from?" |
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A true Southerner NEVER lies, only embelishes |
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ONLY a true Southerner would stick concrete yard ornamans in from on a double wide trailer and think it makes it look "classy" |
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When dropping names, a true Southerner will ALWAYS add where they are from. For example, "I ran into the Charleston Wallace's this past weekend." |
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To the untrained eye, a true Southern gentleman, especially one of proper blood, would often be mistaken for a homosexual. However, this is rarely the case, at least publicly, as they are almost always married to a former beauty queen. |
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A true Southerner is never offended by the term "redneck". They do, however, get offended when said term is used by a "yankee". As a side note to this, only a true Southerner would refer to anyone not from the south as either a "yankee" or a "carpetbagger" |
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Only a true Southerner would bet on the game on Saturday night and go to Church on Sunday and shout an "amen" when the preacher speaks of the evils of gambling. Of course, usually, the preacher is ONLY upset that he lost money on the game as well. |
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All images and text TM and Copyright Electric Blues 2004, unless otherwise noted, in which case, we don't care. |
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