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Two years ago tonight, I sat at home waiting for a particular young woman to get home from taking her nephew trick-or-treating, wondering if I had alread found the person I was supposed to spend time and eternity with. Tonight, I sit at home alone, wondering why the Lord doesn't just give up on me yet.
I started keeping this webpage as a way to keep in contact with others, but largely as a way for me to continue teaching others the knowledge that I could gain from the Lord. Tonight I'm here really just to tell what's going on with me right now, honestly and bluntly.
Now, I don't want anyone to think me guilty of some great sin, or that I'm overly depressed or anything like that...It's just that I've been given reason and opportunity to really consider my standing before the Lord, and it's left me a little confused.
A few months back, I accepted a calling as Elders' Quorum President. Recently, the Stake President challenged each of us in leadership positions to gain a testimony of our divine calling, telling us that we must know that our calls came directly from the Lord if we are going to serve Him effectively and if we expect anyone to follow our leadership. Really, he said that we need to know who we are, the nature of our callings, and our standing before the Lord (I'm paraphrasing).
As I think about it more, the worse I think I should feel. I didn't serve particularly well as a missionary, I haven't been a faithful hometeacher since I've been home, I'm not consistent with my scripture reading and I almost never seem to fulfill goals and obligations, whether Gospel related or not. To be honest, I seem to be expending an awful lot of energy and suffering an awful lot of stress in a frantic attempt to get -- absolutely nowhere.
Odd thing is, I don't feel bad about it. I don't feel good about the whole thing, but I don't feel bad either. Stranger yet, it seems as though blessings are showering down from heaven all around me, taking care of every minor thing in my life for me, though I have done nothing to receive such blessings. I never miss a bus; if I'm late getting to the stop, the bus turns out to be running late also. I consistently post sales at work, though I'm not really expending any effort toward it. Japanese has begun to flow instinctively during class, though I haven't been studying it for almost two weeks now. If words or phrases are used that I haven't studied yet, there are always used with others before me, and I can always give the correct pronunciation and intonation without stopping to think about it. If I'm running short on cash (like I am with this paycheck), there are always ways for me to save money -- a group lunch at the Institute suddenly gets announced, and I filled my frequent customer cards at two restaurants downtown (which means free lunches next time) before I realized that this check was going to be so small.
I have a leadership meeting Thursday night, but I also have class (Japanese). I can't afford to miss very much. My hometeacher just asked me an hour ago if I could use a ride, and offered to pick me up at school so I could miss just half of class instead of the whole thing.
Friday night a recently returned missionary asked if I wanted to go out and visit some of the less-active members of our ward (a duty of mine now), and I turned him down. Ditto the invitation from the High Priest Group Leader to go help at a rescue mission downtown on Saturday. Rather than feel guilty, I was infused with a spirit of joy that either Heavenly Father is refusing to explain, or I'm simply not hearing the explanation for.
That same returned missionary spoke during church today, and I felt shamed by the energy and enthusiasm he has for the work, energy and enthusiasm I didn't have even when I was a missionary. I felt inadequate next to the spirit he radiated. Tonight, after taking part in another elder's ordination, the High Council representative to our ward suddenly told me for no apparent reason that he was impressed with that returned missionary's testimony, and that he felt the same spirit during the testimony that he felt the last time I spoke a month ago.
It doesn't make sense. Maybe it doesn't have to -- I'm not sure. I think sometimes that He's blessing me for a specific reason, but I don't seem to have anything before me that I need to be working on for Him, nor am I accomplishing any great thing. Maybe He just blesses us all the time, and we just need to recognize it more often. Maybe the only thing that really matters in life is developing a close relationship with Him, and not worrying about getting anything else done.
I guess I probably have a lot of study and prayer ahead of me before I learn the answers. In the meantime, I'll continue enjoying the blessings. Maybe He'll bless me with a companion while He's at it.
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