|
The great thing about vacations is they give you time to think. While I've still had to go to work every day, not having school (or the accompanying homework) has left time to ponder my life and walk before the Lord.
I came to a realization these past couple of days, prompted in large part by the efforts of Brother Smart, our family's hometeacher. You see, Brother Smart is also our ward's High Priest Group Leader, and as such has put in a lot of time and effort to improving various situations in the ward. One of these situations is the sad shape of the Elders' hometeaching activity. To help, he has begun a sort of mentoring program wherein a High Priest assists an Elder in his hometeaching (and vice versa, as necessary), both to be sure it is accomplished, and to tutor the Elder in his duty. I was his first pupil.
I very quickly felt as a new missionary in the field, just barely being trained. And that's when it hit me: for all intents and purposes, I am.
I guess I had this idea coming home that I was bringing my mission with me, that somehow I was going to be the same person, with the same blessings, strength, and inspiration I had in the field. I would apply those to home life, and quickly transition to my new, eternal mission. Unfortunately, that's not exactly how it works. In the field, I was directly responsible for the salvation of every single person I met. As a District Leader, I was indirectly responsible for the salvation of every single person my missionaries met as well. So, with that responsibility came special blessings, the likes of which I am not likely to see again soon.
I have always been a shy person, even scared of people -- to the point of near panic when forced into group activities. On my mission, nearly everything I said and did was vitally important, however, so the Lord (without my even realizing it) was constantly inspiring me as to what to say and do. I often felt I had become a different person, although I'm now beginning to see that the reason I seemed so different wasn't so much that I had changed (although I was definitely changing), but because I was not the person saying and doing those things.
Unfortunately, that blessing, as with many others associated with the calling of a full-time missionary, are not so vital to my life here at home (at least, not on the same level). When necessary, they are there, but I am not serving the Lord in the same capacity as before, and so do not enjoy the blessings quite so often as I had become accustomed to.
With that come other realizations. I realize that I have spent considerable time and effort in keeping myself from coming home. While I have physically been home, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I have not been. At best, I think I've viewed my time here as a brief transition period, and have been unwilling to fully accept my situation. The truth of it is, I am here, and this is where the Lord wants me and needs me now. If I want to continue my progression, it will not be through fanciful thoughts of the future, but by diligently applying myself to where I am now.
So what do I mean by all that? Well, basically, I think that it's time that I stop trying to be Elder Dozark in a new assignment and realize that I am Michael now. Michael is not as strong as Elder Dozark, not as kind, not as spiritual or inspired. However, I can learn. I can grow here if I let myself, and while it is good to think of the future (career, family, etc.), I need to put in some effort on my present before I can enjoy a wonderful future.
The great thing is, although I may not be as capable as Elder Dozark was, I am far more capable than I was before the mission. The Lord has given me preparation to begin this new life and learning process, and thankfully He has been patient with me as I have finally decided to begin. There is a vast and frightening unknown before me, but as long as I trust in Him, I will find the guidance I need to navigate it and become the person He wants me to be.
It's time for me to come home.
|
