1 Nephi 17:3

You know, I'm starting to notice a pattern lately...Everything seems to get really difficult in my life right about the time I start thinking about doing something good (especially when it involves my little emotional situation of late), but as soon as I do it, I feel better. For example, a little while ago I had been thinking of sending an e-mail to a former companion of hers who I had offended (and the feeling was mutual). I had decided to apologize for the offense. The day that I finally did send that message, only a few moments before I did, I had a sudden, overwhelming attack of depression and anxiety. Strangely, that actually helped me send the apology, and I immediately began to recover.

Last week, I had been wanting to go to the temple. My schedule during that week of finals made that seem impossible, until suddenly the Lord stepped in. I didn't understand at the time why He was taking such an active hand, but I was grateful that I suddenly seemed able to finish all of my assignments several hours (sometimes days) before I had thought to. I went to the temple on Wednesday.

I went to the temple seeking only comfort, peace, and strength. The Lord seemed to want to talk about the girl. I came away with a thought to write her a letter, but was so unsure as to whether that was inspiration or my own thoughts that I wasn't going to do it. Trying to figure out for certain whether I should or not, though, was driving me crazy.

I arrived home to find a letter from a former companion of mine, who also knows the young lady whom I've been talking so insessantly about. His letter included not only his own thoughts on the situation, but also the words of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. While too lengthy to include here, let me just say that Elder Holland addressed every thought, every fear, every feeling that I have been having since she visited Portland. I cried. A lot. Then I wrote the letter.

I didn't say anything earth-shattering, but expressed my desire to be her friend, while admitting my stronger feelings for her. I asked her to not avoid me, to not feel threatened or uncomfortable around me. I asked her to contact me so we could talk more.

Immediately, I felt calm restored to me. I felt peace. Peace gave way to hope, and an optimism that I have not felt in some time. I am convinced that I did exactly as my Father wanted me to do. I have also realized the horrible consequences of doubting spiritual promptings, and have also realized that I have begun to do that far too often since I have returned home. I am endeavouring this week to re-establish my communication with my Father in Heaven, to restore it to the level I enjoyed as a missionary. I realize that I must be more faithful in asking Him questions, must listen more earnestly to the response, and exercise more faith when I receive answers. He is mightier than all the earth, then why not mightier than my problems of the heart?

1 Nephi 17:13

A while back, I wrote myself a list of things I wanted to remember. This list I keep in my Book of Mormon, in the same page that I put my bookmark. The idea is that every day when I go to read the scriptures, I will also read my list and remember these things. The list includes things I want to pray for (such as opportunities to share the Gospel and the reminder to pray for others' needs as well as my own), and also references to a hymn and some scriptures that remind me of what the Lord has (and can) do for me.

Today I wrote a slightly longer list, inspired by the events I spoke of last week, which contains reminders to pray specifically over different aspects of my life, such as family, work and school. At the bottom I put a note to myself that the Lord can do everything, even though I can't -- and I need to be humble enough to remember that I can't. The Lord is willing to bless His children in all things if they keep His commandments and draw near unto Him. I want to remind myself daily to ask for those blessings I (and others) need, but also that those blessings are coming from Him and are not the result of any strength of my own.

Then I read today's scripture (above), and I knew that I wanted to add to my page today.

Last week, I went in to my school's financial department to make my tuition payment for next month (a little early, but the due date is during the break, and I didn't want to go in if I don't have to). I was expecting to pay $295, but was met with a surprise. Because of a merit credit given to me by the school, I now only have to pay $220 a month -- $75 dollars less than I expected.

That in itself was blessing enough, but wait until you hear why it happened. Yesterday, I took out a life insurance policy. I knew that it was needed because of my family history; I've lost one grandmother to cancer, and the other, as well as my mother and father, have all had to be treated for different forms of the disease -- it must run in both sides of the family. Unfortunately, I wasn't sure I'd be able to pay the monthly costs until I recognized the amount -- $73.08 is really close to $75, isn't it?

I went in to take out that insurance because I felt a strong need, and now believe that I was prompted to do so at this time because the Lord had been preparing so that at this time I would be able to. He also prepared the way for me to know that it was because of Him and no way else that I was able to. Hopefully, I won't forget the lesson too quickly.

Links

Archive