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So how did my week go? It's been rough -- I'm still a little stressed about catching up in classes and about upcoming finals. But it's also been wonderful. Personal struggles are always a great time to draw near to the Lord, and the bond between Him and us can grow so much stronger.
Yesterday was Fast Sunday, and among other things my fast was dedicated to regaining the level of communication with my Heavenly Father that I enjoyed in the mission field. I learned that I need to relax (I know, not a big surprise), that stressing so much about the worldly parts of my life is part of what makes it so hard for me to hear Him. I also learned a little about my own pride, and how that awful shyness of mine will be overcome if I'm just humble enough to let myself do things that might embarrass me, or to make decisions when the consequences aren't entirely certain.
Of course, being willing to act also opens a person up to the Spirit. I go back to a statement I read once (can't remember who said it), that "God can't steer a parked car". That nothing is impossible with God is certain, but I need to remember that He never forces us to do things, he only guides us. If we aren't moving, no matter which direction he turns the wheel, we still don't go anywhere.
I just realized that I'm probably being vague again. Unfortunately, it was a fairly general impression, not specific to any one instance or situation in my life. However, I am trying to apply it to specific situations, along with another lesson that I've learned.
In sharing this, I'm about to break my usual code of silence, but there's a friend out there (you know who you are) who might find this useful. This particular lesson was a welcome revelation for me, and is the inspiration for this week's header scripture.
There was a young woman I met on my mission, someone I've come to care about very much. Since I've known her, unusual things have been happening to me -- enough that one might even call them signs. Actually, it started before I met her, as she appeared in multiple dreams before I encountered her in waking life. I've had many prompts from the Spirit, said and done many things out of character for me. However, the association has been as much a source of misery and heartache as it has been of joy and friendship. I have often found myself wondering whether the Lord was the one to introduce us, or the adversary. In either case, I have been unsure what the motives behind this seemingly fated friendship might be.
The biggest question I have had in all this is whether these signs and prompts, and my involuntary change of character, have been inspired of God to show me the way to go, or of the devil to torment me. What I learned over the course of the last few weeks changed all that.
First, I realized that if I care about someone, they need to know. Signs and wonders don't matter, regardless of who they come from. I am free to make my own decisions, and I should follow my heart. The Lord loves me and will always guide me to do what's right, but in some cases the choice is completely up to me. In those cases, as long as I am happy, he is happy.
Second (and this is the direct inspiration for this week's scripture), there is an easy way to know what is from God and what is not. I have often said that I know that both God and the devil have a hand in my relationship with this young woman, but I didn't know which side is which. "The way to judge is as plain," says Moroni, "that ye may know with a perfect knowledge, as the daylight is from the dark night.
"For behold, the Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil; wherefore I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God.
"But whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do evil, and believe not in Christ, and deny him, and serve not God, then ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of the devil; for after this manner doth the devil work, for he persuadeth no man to do good, no, not one; neither do his angels; neither do they who subject themselves unto him" (Moro.7:15-17).
Here is the basic truth: "the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law" (Gal.5:22-23). Joy and peace, faith, etc., are of God, acknowledging that He is and expressing confidence in His wisdom and caring for us. Fear, doubt, depression, anxiety, frustration, etc. are of the devil, "for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself" (2 Nephi 2:27). If something, anything brings feelings that are not conducive to the Spirit, then those thoughts are not of God.
Now, here is the dilemma to this: just because the feelings that come are not of God does not mean the situation is not. There must be opposition in all things, and Satan strives against us continually. He is the father of lies, and will do whatever he can to turn us from a correct path. In the case of this young woman, I have prayed to know my Father's will concerning my relationship to her. Each time that I have, I feel the peaceful reassurance of the Spirit that my feelings are in accordance with His will, and that I should let her know how I feel. But always I am reminded that the decision is mine to make, and He will support me no matter what I do. The supposed signs, when they encouraged me and brought me closer to the Spirit, were and are Him comforting me and giving me strength to continue. Those that have caused me grief (regardless of whether they have pointed me toward or away from her) have been of the devil. It fits perfectly well into his plan to abandon my designs because of the heartache he inflicts on me. An eternal marriage is one of the greatest threats I pose to him, because it represents my eventual triumph over all of his evil and the continuance of the eternal plan of my Heavenly Father (reading the first 40 verses of D&C 132 helped convince me of that). As important as that is, that is where he will make his greatest stand against me. So it is everyone, I imagine.
So what's the real lesson? Ignore the doubts. Ignore the fears. Decide what you want, and ask Father if it is right and if He will support your decision. Don't ever think He is pressuring you to choose a certain path; he doesn't work that way. He does, however, work each and every moment of every day to ensure that the true and purest desires of our heart will be fulfilled and that in the end, all things will work for our good to bring us back to Him someday.
I hope that helps.
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