Chapter Four
In the twentieth century, aspiring stage personalities condemned
by their parents to live their lives with strange-sounding names, would
often change them to something less likely to evoke laughter from an
audience and more likely to elicit respect and awe. One seldom
encountered leading ladies in the theater with names such as 'Bertha
Higgenbotham' or 'Egbert Finnley'. It never happened because only stars
with pompous names like 'Steve Handsome' or 'Ellen Farthing-Smith' could
possibly get the support of agents.
Then one day a brilliant, young singer from Tennessee came to
Hollywood. This young woman possessed in great abundance two personal
qualities so odd that for the longest time no one who watched her
audition would hire her on the grounds that these qualities were
socially repugnant. But finally she found an agent who could at least
characterize these qualities in terms which, though unfamiliar, were at
least theoretically understandible even in Hollywood. She had sincerity
and integrity.
Because of these aberrant characteristics, she kept the name with
which she had been afflicted since birth and became famous despite the
ridicule of shallow, Hollywood egotists. The debutantes who had
laughed at the naivete of an ignorant redneck who thought she could make
the big time with a stupid name like 'Peggy Lesterina Whorebottom' were
astonished to discover that a person could achieve immense popularity by
making use of mere talent, acquired or natural. But this honest
creature had unwittingly started a counter-fad, because following her
success, the geniuses of Hollywood decided that anyone with a naturally
beautiful name ought to change it to something foolish-sounding - the
idea being that the public would believe anyone with a stupid sounding
name must have immense talent. Hundreds of would-be actors and
actresses changed their names and went on to achieve success.
Chicago Lipschitz was not such a person. On the glorious occasion
of his birth, his parents bestowed upon him a name sufficiently
ridiculous to ensure his success in the entertainment business, despite
a complete lack of talent. This was very fortunate, since the Laws of
Statistics and of Nature had miraculously conspired to grant him only
that genetic material utterly devoid of ability or virtue.
Orion Flew smiled politely toward the stage on which at the
present moment Chicago was demonstrating this very fact with the finale
of an intensely sincere, and unintentionally comic rendition of Oedipus
Rex. The tears of adulation pouring freely from the joyous faces of
Chic's fans in the audience and the cries and shouts of "Bravo!"
evidenced the reverential awe and professional respect which he enjoyed,
as well as the tendency towards ingratiation which he assiduously
nurtured in his entourage.
Following an eternity of biting his tongue, Orion permitted
himself a few tears, and a mild chuckle before finally breaking down
into a hearty belly-laugh which, though barely audible above the din,
was nevertheless taken as unreserved applause by the proud and
magnificent Maestro Lipschitz.
"I'm so glad you enjoyed the performance!" Chicago later
exclaimed to Orion over dinner in the most humble tone his meager acting
talents could effect.
"I did! It was quite remarkable!" Orion was sincere, his voice
friendly and unhesitating, but lacking the infantile amazement and self-
deprecating obsequiousness of Chic's other dinner companions.
"Now, Chic, Let's get down to business."
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