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                           WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?
                               WLIIA Chat Games
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                               PRESS CONFERENCE
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Game:    Press Conference
Players: Mochrie, Slattery, Vranch
Scene:   Vranch is the first person to give a hair transplant to Clive
         Anderson using her own hair.
           
<Vranch>   WELCOME TO THIS HERE PRESS CONFERENCE. I'M BULGE TEMPTINGLY.
<Slattery> DO YOU FEEL THE COLD MORE NOW?
<Vranch>   I BELIEVE MY BUM FELT TOO WARM, SO IT NEEDED VENTILATION.
<Mochrie>  WHAT TYPE OF EQUIPMENT WAS USED IN THE PROCEDURE?
<Vranch>   A SHOVEL AND A GRAND PIANO.
<Slattery> ARE YOU GLAD YOU COULD HELP A FELLOW HUMAN?
<Vranch>   YES, I'VE ALWAYS BELIEVED THAT HELPING OUT OTHERS IS A GREAT
           THING, THAT'S WHY I THREW MYSELF INTO AN ICEBERG.
<Mochrie>  WHAT DID THE PATIENT LOOK LIKE BEFORE THE PROCEDURE?
<Vranch>   BLUISH.
<Slattery> IS THE PATIENT STILL ON TV?
<Vranch>   YES I BELIEVE HE IS.
<Mochrie>  AND DOES HE HOST A CERTAIN POPULAR IMPROVISATION COMEDY SHOW?
<Vranch>   I DO HAVE A PhD YOU KNOW! YES, MR. ANDERSON IS DOING QUITE WELL.
<Slattery> I SUPPOSE HE DOESN'T SHINE NOW?
<Vranch>   OH I KNOW - I DID A HAIR TRANSPLANT ON CLIVE!

<Mochrie>  You got it!!!!

<Vranch>   WITH MY OWN HAIR!

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Game:    Press Conference
Players: Mochrie, Slattery, Vranch
Scene:   Mochrie is the first person to make Richard Vranch talk.

<Mochrie>  I WOULD LIKE TO WELCOME YOU ALL -- THE TWO OF YOU -- TO MY PRESS
           CONFERENCE. BUT I SEE THAT TIME IS RUNNING SHORT, SO I WILL BEGIN
           TAKING QUESTIONS NOW.
<Vranch>   HAS THE PERSON IN QUESTION RETURNED TO HIS FORMER STATE?
<Mochrie>  YES...I BELIEVE HE IS DOING QUITE WELL AT THIS POINT.
<Slattery> HOW'D YOU DO IT?
<Vranch>   YES, WE'RE ALL DYING TO KNOW HOW YOU MANAGED TO!
<Mochrie>  OH IT WASN'T TOO DIFFICULT. ALL IT TOOK WAS A LITTLE INGENUITY
           AND A LOT OF CRAZY GLUE.

<Vranch>   LOL!
<Slattery> ???
<Vranch>   Not even close!

<Mochrie>  I REALIZE THAT. PLEASE, MORE QUESTIONS.
<Slattery> DID TONY'S PANTS HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT?
<Vranch>   IT'S AN INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT FEAT - A TRUE RARITY!
<Mochrie>  YES, THOUGH I WOULD NOT RECOMMEND ANYONE ELSE TRY IT. BUT TONY'S
           PANTS DID HAVE A SIGNIFICANT ROLE.

* Mochrie is quite confused.

<Vranch>   Ah ha.
<Slattery> Hehe.

<Vranch>   DID HE ACTUALLY DROP THEM?
<Slattery> OR *SPLIT* THEM?
<Mochrie>  NO, I WAS NOT AT THAT PARTICULAR EPISODE OF WHOSE LINE. Am I TONY
           SLATTERY?

<Vranch>   No.

<Slattery> STILL, WE HAVEN'T *HEARD* ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE.
<Vranch>   INDEED, IT'S A MODERN MIRACLE!
<Mochrie>  IT'S TRUE, IT'S TRUE. ... I HAVEN'T GOT A BLOODY CLUE WHAT I
           AM!! :-)
<Slattery> FOR YEARS. NOT A SOUND THEN YOU DID IT...

* Mochrie bangs his head against the wall.

<Mochrie>  Augh!!!!!
<Vranch>   Look at Slattery's last question.
<Vranch>   You getting there yet?

<Slattery> ONLY MUSIC TILL YOU SHOWED UP...
<Mochrie>  AM I TONY'S UNDERWEAR?...OR LACK OF THEM?

<Slattery> LOL, no!

<Vranch>   AND WHEN IT DID HAPPEN IT WAS OF SUCH EXCEEDING LOVELINESS THAT
           WE FELL TO A DEAD FAINT?
<Slattery> WELL, *VRANCH* MAY HAVE!

<Mochrie>  Am I on the right track?
<Slattery> LOL!
<Vranch>   Lightbulb moment?

<Slattery> DID NUCLEAR PHYSICS PLAY A PART?
<Vranch>   ERRRRRR NO....DID YOU USE A PIANO FOR IT?
<Mochrie>  DID I FAINT DURING A HOEDOWN?

<Slattery> Hehe, No.
<Vranch>   Nope. I can't believe how far off he is! It's actually pretty
           funny - I'm glad I'm nearly alone in the lab.

<Mochrie>  ANY MORE QUESTIONS?
<Slattery> IT REALLY WAS SOMETHING WE HADN'T *HEARD* ON THE SHOW BEFORE!
<Vranch>   DID YOU PULL HIS HAIR?

<Mochrie>  Where is all this going?!

<Slattery> HE DOESN'T DO IT OFTEN DOES HE? ONCE IN 10 YEARS ON THE SHOW
           MAYBE?
<Vranch>   I REPEAT, DID YOU PULL THAT LOVELY FLOP OF HAIR RIGHT OVER THOSE
           RADIANT BLUE EYES?

<Mochrie>  ???????? I give up!!!!! Argh!!!
<Vranch>   Nooooooooooooooooo you've got to guess!!
<Slattery> OK then...
<Vranch>   Oh, all right...you tell him.
<Slattery> Sorry, we tried to help.
<Vranch>   We tried *hard*.
<Slattery> *Vranch* are you sure?
<Vranch>   I am positive - and I will *say* that.
<Slattery> Do you want to *SAY* it?
<Mochrie>  Oh come on!! Please say it!
<Slattery> Nudge, nudge, wink, wink!
<Vranch>   No you go ahead - I don't talk!
<Mochrie>  Let me endure this suffering no more!
<Slattery> You did once !!!!!!!!
<Vranch>   You'll be kicking yourself when you find out.....
<Mochrie>  I'm sure I will.
<Vranch>   Oh but only once!
<Mochrie>  (mock annoyance) Get on with it!
<Slattery> Ok, tell him.
<Vranch>   C'mon Slattery tell him -- have mercy on him!
<Slattery> I feel mean now!!
<Vranch>   Okay, I'll do it!
<Mochrie>  Please! you gotta tell me!
<Vranch>   You made Richard talk.
<Slattery> You got Richard *VRANCH* to speak - oh miracle of miracles!

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Game:    Press Conference
Players: Mochrie, Slattery, Vranch
Scene:   Vranch is the first person to receive a babboon's heart transplant.

<Vranch>   WELCOME AGAIN TO THIS NEW PRESS CONFERENCE.  ONCE AGAIN, I'M
           BULGE TEMPTINGLY.
<Mochrie>  WHY DID YOU FEEL THIS PROCEDURE WAS NECESSARY?
<Vranch>   BECAUSE I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED A PNEUMATIC EEL.
<Slattery> TELL ME, MR. TEMPTINGLY, DO YOU HAVE ANY STRANGE CRAVING NOW THE
           PROCEDURE HAS TAKEN PLACE ... SAY FOR FRUIT...?
<Vranch>   INDEED I DO, IT IS A COMMON SIDE EFFECT.
<Mochrie>  WELL, WHAT EQUIPMENT WAS USED IN THE PROCEDURE?
<Vranch>   I USED A DRILL, A PIANO, AND TONY SLATTERY'S PANTS!
<Slattery> HAVE YOU NOTICED ANY BODY PARTS THAT ARE NOW BRIGHTER THAN
           BEFORE?
<Vranch>   DID I TAKE A BATH IN CRANBERRY JUICE? ... YES, MY NOSE.
<Mochrie>  HAVE YOU NOTICED ANY CHANGE IN THE LENGTH OF YOUR ARMS?
<Vranch>   YES, THEY HAVE GROWN INTOLERABLY LONG AND I AM NOW AN ANIMATRONIC
           DEVICE.
<Mochrie>  WOULD YOU CARE FOR A BANANA, MR. TEMPTINGLY?
<Vranch>   IS THIS SOME SORT OF SICK SYMBOLISM?

<Mochrie>  No, just a simple question...a simple, LEADING, question!

<Vranch>   DID I TURN INTO A BABBOON? A MONKEY IN GENERAL?
<Slattery> DO YOU HAVE A SCAR..?                      
<Mochrie>  HOW LONG DID THE OPERATION TAKE?
<Vranch>   DID I HAVE AN OPERATION TO BECOME A MONKEY?
 
* Mochrie slaps his forehead.

<Vranch>   THREE HOURS AT LEAST!

<Vranch>   Mercy!  mercy! I can't go on!
<Mochrie>  You're so close!!

<Vranch>   A CHIMPANZEE? TELL ME IF I'M GETTING CLOSER!
<Slattery> DO YOU FEEL DIFFERENT, INSIDE...?
<Vranch>   I GOT A MONKEY'S HEART?

<Mochrie>  YESS!!!!!!!

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Game:    Press Conference
Players: Mochrie, Slattery, Vranch
Scene:   Slattery rescued Clive Anderson from the top of the Empire State
         Building.

<Slattery> LADIES, GENTLEMEN AND...OTHERS, THANK YOU FOR COMING. AS YOU KNOW
           MY NAME IS SALTY BASKET. YOU MAY START YOUR QUESTIONS NOW....IF
           YOU REALLY FEEL YOU HAVE TO THAT IS! :)
<Vranch>   HOW GREAT A DISTANCE DID YOU COVER MR. BASKET?
<Slattery> TO THE MOON AND BACK...
<Mochrie>  DID YOU EVER FEEL THAT YOU WERE IN PERSONAL DANGER?
<Slattery> ONLY WHEN BITTEN BY THAT ARMY OF SUGAR ANTS....OUCH!
<Vranch>   IT MUST SEEM THAT WAY. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE CONSIDERED A HERO
           NOW?
<Mochrie>  WAS THE GLARE OVERBEARING?
<Slattery> EVERYBODY IS A HERO IN THEIR OWN WAY (gag), THE GLARE WAS NOT A
           PROBLEM, INDUSTRIAL SUNGLASSES YOU SEE...
<Vranch>   AND HOW DID YOU HOLD ON?
<Slattery> HELD ON WITH A COMBINATION OF TOOTHPICKS AND DENTAL FLOSS. AM I
           ON A ROCKET?

<Vranch>   Nope, not even close!

<Vranch>   NOW DO YOU THINK THAT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN POSSIBLE FOR SOMEONE
           ELSE TO DO THAT OR DO YOU DOUBT IT?
<Mochrie>  IF YOU WERE GIVEN A SECOND CHANCE, WOULD YOU DO THIS AGAIN?
<Slattery> IN A HEARTBEAT...THE POLES?
<Vranch>   SO YOU ARE QUITE FOND OF THE PERSON IN QUESTION THEN?
<Slattery> CLIVE IS SO LOVELY, HE REMINDS ME OF AUTUMN.....DECIDUOUS!

<Vranch>   LOL, getting there!

<Mochrie>  DID YOUR FEAR OF HEIGHTS IMPEDE YOU IN ANY WAY?
<Slattery> I BROUGHT A STEP LADDER FOR THE JOB.
<Vranch>   DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT WOULD BE ENOUGH?
<Slattery> I'M VERY CLOSE TO THE ENTIRE CAST....
<Mochrie>  HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU TO REACH THE TOP?
<Slattery> 2 MINUTES, I TOOK A LIFT...

<Vranch>   LOL, no comment!

<Vranch>   ARE YOU SURE YOU DID, MR. BASKET?
<Slattery> RYAN ALSO BENT DOWN, THAT HELPED.....???

* Mochrie snickers.

<Vranch>   The image conjured up by this is too much to bear. -the ed.
<Slattery> Hehe!

<Mochrie>  WHAT MADE YOU DECIDE TO GO TO NEW YORK IN THE FIRST PLACE?

<Vranch>   Objection! Leading! :)

<Slattery> DOES THIS INVOLVE THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING?
<Vranch>   WERE YOU IMPRESSED BY THE MAN'S OBVIOUS DISTRESS?

* Mochrie apologizes for being so leading!

<Vranch>   You know i'm just teasing, Moch!
<Mochrie>  I know, I know!
<Vranch>   You are very very close.

<Slattery> ERR...HE DECIDED NOT TO JUMP ONCE WE TOLD HIM ABOUT THE NEW FULL
           BODY HAIR REPLACEMENTS.

* Mochrie is ROTFL.

<Vranch>   Is that close enough Moch?  should we give it to her?
<Mochrie>  I don't know....she IS pretty close though.
<Vranch>   Make her do an actual guess.
<Mochrie>  One more guess.

<Slattery> IS CLIVE GOING TO JUMP FROM THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING AND I
           PERSUADED HIM NOT TO?...?????

<Vranch>   Nope! Almost though.
<Slattery> Oh bum!
<Vranch>   Let's tell her.
<Slattery> Sorry!
<Vranch>   You climbed the Empire State Building and rescued Clive.
<Mochrie>  You saved Clive from the top of the ESB.
<Slattery> Oh well.
<Vranch>   So I guess she had it.
<Slattery> :)
<Mochrie>  Yeah.

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Game:    Press Conference
Players: DFW, Moosh, _Newman_, Philomela, Slattery
Scene:   DFW is having Clive's baby. 

<DFW>       WELCOME TO MY PRESS CONFERENCE. I'LL TAKE THE FIRST QUESTION.
<_Newman_>  VERY WELL PUT.  SO WHEN ARE YOU EXPECTING THIS TO OCCUR?
<DFW>       OH, AROUND MIDNIGHT.
<_Newman_>  WOW.
<Philomela> WERE YOU NOT REPELLED?
<DFW>       I HAVE AN IRON STOMACH.
<Slattery>  ARE YOU WELL PREPARED FOR YOUR NEW DUTIES?
<DFW>       YES, AFTER INTENSE TRAINING.
<_Newman_>  HAVE YOU ALWAYS LIKED BRITISH MEN?
<DFW>       ??? IT'S AN ACQUIRED TASTE.

<_Newman_>  Heh heh!

<Philomela> IS THE PERSON IN QUESTION STANDING BY YOU?
<DFW>       HE'S IN THE CORNER.
<Slattery>  IS THIS A LABOUR OF LOVE THEN ?

<Philomela> Objection! Leading! :)
<Slattery>  Haha, sorry!
<Philomela> You-know-who always gives leading clues too - sigh!

<DFW>       IT MUST BE.

<Philomela> Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahhaa (Sorry, having a moment, there!)

* Slattery giggles.

<_Newman_>  CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING? PICKLES MAYBE? OR ICE CREAM?
<Philomela> OR BOTH?
<DFW>       JUST SOME KETCHUP AND SAUERKRAUT.

<Philomela> Woowoo!
<_Newman_>  Mmmm...

<Slattery>  HOW DO YOU AVOID THE GLARE?
<DFW>       I LOVE BALD MEN, SO I HAVE A LARGE SUPPLY OF SUNGLASSES.
<_Newman_>  WHY THAT BALD MAN? DO YOU LIKE ENTERTAINERS? AND DO YOU THINK
            THE CHARACTERISTICS ARE INHERITED?
<DFW>       WOW, THAT'S A LOT OF QUESTIONS. GIVE ME A MINUTE. BALD MEN ARE
            SEXY. I LIKE GAME SHOW HOSTS. (?)

<Moosh>     Would you like to guess yet ?

<Philomela> IS THE LACK OF HAIR MADE UP FOR BY TESTOSTERONE OR IS THAT JUST
            A RUMOUR?

<Moosh>     LOL!
<Philomela> :)
<DFW>       Um, I'm having Clive's baby?
<Philomela> Yeah! Woowoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
<Moosh>     <round of applause>
<_Newman_>  Congratulations!

* Philomela hands DFW her badge.

<Slattery>  Yay!
<DFW>       Thank you, thank you! (lots of bowing)

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Game:    Press Conference
Players: CQuentin, Josie^L, _McShane_, Mochrie, Stiles, Vranch
Scene:   CQuentin persuaded Clive Anderson to sing with ABBA

<CQuentin>  OKEE, THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING TODAY, I'LL TAKE THE FIRST
            QUESTION OVER THERE.
<Josie^L>   HOW EVER DID YOU CONVINCE HIM TO DO SO?
<CQuentin>  WELL IT WASN'T EASY, BUT WHEN I EXPLAINED THE SITUATION TO HIM
            FULLY, ALL WAS AGREEABLE.
<Mochrie>   WAS IT DIFFICULT TO DO WHAT YOU DID?
<Vranch>    WAS THIS SOME SORT OF RETURN-TO-HIS-ROOTS THING?
<CQuentin>  NOT AT ALL, VERY EASY UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES.
<Mochrie>   HOW DID HE FIND THE EXPERIENCE?
<Josie^L>   HOW WELL DO YOU THINK HE'S GOING TO DO?
<CQuentin>  NO, ONCE HE WAS PLANTED, HE WAS QUITE COMFY.
<_McShane_> WAS THEIR RECENT COMEBACK A DETERMINING FACTOR IN CHOOSING THEM?
<CQuentin>  I THINK HE'LL GROW INTO A NICE STRONG PLANT.

<Mochrie>   LOL!
<_McShane_> Huh?

<Vranch>    WILL THEY RECORD TOGETHER?
<Stiles>    HOW'S HIS VOICE?

<CQuentin>  *getting confused, but still trying*

<CQuentin>  HIS VOICE WAS FINE, ONCE MICHAEL GOT BACK TOGETHER WITH HIS
            BROTHERS, AND WE GAVE HIM HIS OLD NOSE BACK, IT CAME TOGETHER.

<Vranch>    What?! LOL!!

<CQuentin>  DID I FACILITATE A JACKSON 5 REUNION???

<_McShane_> Good guess, but no.
<Vranch>    Not quite, but good.

<Vranch>    WILL THEY BE HEARD IN BRITAIN AS WELL OR ONLY IN THEIR NATIVE
            COUNTRY?
<CQuentin>  ALL THE PEOPLE OF THE WORLD WILL HEAR THEM.
<Vranch>    IS HE THE DANCING KING EVERYONE SAYS HE IS?
<Mochrie>   WILL THEY BE ALL NEW TRACKS, OR WILL THEY DO NEW VERSIONS OF 
            THEIR CLASSICS?
<CQuentin>  AHH YES, MR. FLATTERY (Forgive the spelling!) WILL BE BACK WITH
            RIVERDANCE IN FULL GEAR!
<_McShane_> ARE YOU CONCERNED THAT DISCO IS DEAD?
<CQuentin>  NEVER WILL IT DIE, THERE WILL ALWAYS BE A PLACE FOR THE BEE
            GEES!

<Vranch>    LOL!

<_McShane_> WELL, GREAT FOR THE BEE GEES, BUT WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THEM
            NOW, ARE WE? :-)
<Vranch>    HOW CONCERNED ARE YOU WITH GENDER BALANCE IN THE GROUP?
<CQuentin>  BUT OF COURSE WE CAN NEVER FORGET THE STYLINGS OF THE VILLAGE
            PEOPLE.
<Stiles>    HOW WELL CAN HE COMMUNICATE WITH THEM SINCE HE DOESN'T SPEAK
            SWEDISH?
<_McShane_> I GUESS IT'S FITTING BEING A EUROPEAN GROUP, EH?
<Mochrie>   WAS THE RECORDING SESSION DONE IN SWEDEN, OR IN SOME OTHER
            LOCATION?

<CQuentin>  I think you're supposed to lead :) anyhoo.....
<_McShane_> Besides, that's only the beginning... bwah hah hah hah  <insert
            evil music here>

<CQuentin>  WELL, ABBA MANAGED TO DO WELL NOT SPEAKING ENGLISH, SO ELVIS
            WILL DO JUST FINE.
<_McShane_> AREN'T YOU CONCERNED THAT ELVIS IS DEAD?
<Vranch>    ARE YOU SURE THIS MAN IS DEAD?
<Vranch>    OR IS HE JUST TALLER THAN HIS HAIR?
<CQuentin>  NO, CAUSE I'VE BROUGHT HIM BACK TO LIFE!
<Mochrie>   IN EXCHANGE FOR HIS WORK WITH THE GROUP, WILL THE GROUP RETURN
            THE FAVOUR?
<_McShane_> WILL HE LEAVE TELEVISION TO PURSUE HIS MUSICAL CAREER FULL TIME,
            OR WILL HE KEEP HIS REGULAR TV JOB TOO?
<Mochrie>   WILL THIS GROUP APPEAR ON HIS TALK SHOW?
<CQuentin>  JOHN TRAVOLTA WILL NOT KEEP HIS REGULAR TV JOB.

<Mochrie>   Augh!!!!
<_McShane_> What regular job does John Travolta have?
<CQuentin>  Sorry, I ran out of 70's guys with big hair, I have to officially
            give up!

* Mochrie gives an exasperated sigh!
* Vranch slaps her forehead - evidently Deej didn't chatch that reference!

<Mochrie>   WHAT HAIR?
<_McShane_> WELL, SINCE HE'S EUROPEAN, HE SHOULD DO OK WITH A EUROPEAN
            BAND, EH?
<CQuentin>  JOHN DAVIDSON WILL BE HAPPY TO HAVE THE GROUP ON.

<Mochrie>   ?!?!
<_McShane_> You got the group, right?
<CQuentin>  I think we've established ABBA.
<_McShane_> Yes.

<Vranch>    IS HE ALSO TALLER THAN HIS NECK?
<Mochrie>   ...OR IS IT BLOWING BUBBLE GUM?
<_McShane_> NOW THIS EUROPEAN TV HOST THAT YOU'RE INTRODUCING TO ABBA, HOW
            DID YOU DO IT?
<CQuentin>  I SIMPLY GOT CLIVE AND ABBA TOGETHER OVER A NICE DINNER.

<Vranch>    Yes!
<Mochrie>   Sha-wing!!

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Game:    Press Conference
Players: Dr_Nick, Dr_Ryan, JonPryce, PeterCook, Stiles, Toksvig
Scene:   Dr_Ryan is pregnant with Tony Slattery's baby

<Dr_Ryan>   YES, HELLO AND WELCOME TO MY PRESS CONFERENCE. DID EVERYONE GET
            THEIR COMPLIMENTARY TWIGLETS? ALRIGHTY THEN, WE'LL JUST GET
            STARTED. YES? YES, A QUESTION FROM THE KIND, SWEET, ADORABLE,
            HANDSOME GENTLEMAN IN THE BACK? THE ONE THAT CERTAINLY DOESN'T
            DESERVE TO BE MADE FUN OF?
<Dr_Nick>   SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN ABOUT THIS?
<Dr_Ryan>   OH, FOR ABOUT A WEEK OR SO, NOT VERY LONG.
<Dr_Ryan>   NEXT QUESTION.
<JonPryce>  WAS THE BEGINNING FUN?
<Dr_Ryan>   WELL, NOT VERY, I WAS PARTLY UNCONSCIOUS, BUT I DID ENJOY THE
            FREE DOUGHNUTS.
<PeterCook> YOU MUST HAVE HEARD THE RUMOURS?
<Dr_Ryan>   NO I CAN'T READ. NEXT!
<Dr_Ryan>   NEXT!
<Stiles>    WHEN WILL THIS BLESSED EVENT OCCUR?
<Dr_Ryan>   TOMORROW ACTUALLY, YES, TOMORROW AT FOUR.

<Dr_Ryan>   OK, I'm pregnant, right?

<Toksvig>   WILL THE INNUENDO CONTINUE?
<Dr_Ryan>   YES. NEXT!
<Dr_Nick>   DO YOU LIKE THE WAY HE LOOKS?

<Dr_Ryan>   Am I pregnant with Tony's baby?
<PeterCook> Yes!
<Toksvig>   YEAH!

* PeterCook applauds

<Stiles>    Good!
<Dr_Nick>   Wow!
<JonPryce>  She got it!!!
<Dr_Ryan>   Oh good one guys!!!!!!
<PeterCook> Haha!
<Dr_Ryan>   ::SWOON::

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Game:    Press Conference
Players: Frost, JSweeney, McShane, Merts, Mochrie, Sherwood, Stiles
Scene:   Frost is the used car salesman who sold Ryan Stiles his first car

<Frost>    WELCOME TO THIS POST GAME PRESS CONFERENCE.  WE DON'T HAVE TOO
           MUCH TIME SO WE HAVE TO MAKE THE BEST OF IT. YOU, WHAT IS YOUR
           QUESTION?
<JSweeney> DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF TO BE AN HONEST MAN?
<Frost>    NO, I THINK I'M A STUPID GIT WHO LIKES TO ACT LIKE AN HONEST MAN.
           NEXT QUESTION.
<McShaneM> SO WHAT OPTIONS DOES HE LIKE?
<Frost>    HE LIKES ALL THE OPTIONS. ALL THOSE THAT HE CAN AFFORD.
<Merts>    SO, WAS IT A LEMON?
<Frost>    NO, IT WAS A LIME. BUT IF I TAKE MY YELLOW PAINT OUT, I CAN MAKE
           IT A LEMON. MORE QUESTIONS, GUYS. MORE QUESTIONS.
<Mochrie>  HI. BOB CUNKLE, NEWS FOR MORONS. DID IT TAKE MUCH PERSUADING ON
           YOUR PART?
<Frost>    NO, SHE TOOK THE LIME AND THE LEMON AND MADE A REFRESHING DRINK
           FOR ME. NOTHING ELSE.

<Stiles>   You can guess Greg! :)

<Frost>    A USED CAR SALESMAN????

<Merts>    1/2 right.
<Stiles>   Well, there's more...
<McShaneM> You think we'd make it that simple? :)

<Sherwood> WAS HE CONCERNED ABOUT LEG ROOM?
<Frost>    YES HE WAS, BUT HE IGNORED THE PAIN IN HIS KNEES AND TOLD ME
           TO F*** OFF.
<Stiles>   DID HE WANT A CAR WITH ROOM FOR HIS BELOVED RETRIEVER?

<Sherwood> LOL!
<Mochrie>  ROTFL!

<Frost>    WELL....
<JSweeney> HOW LONG AGO WAS THIS - WAS IT BEFORE HE HAD CASH FROM *TWO*
           HIGH PROFILE JOBS?

* Frost is frozen.

<Frost>    A LONG TIME AGO. AM I SELLING A CAR TO RYAN STILES?

<Mochrie>  You got it!
<JSweeney> Bingo! Buzzzzz! :)
<Sherwood> Yay!
<Stiles>   Woooooo!!! Yaaaaay!!!!

* Mochrie applauds!

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Game:    Press Conference
Players: FrostS, Jlawrence, JohnPryce, Mochrie, Mrs_Brad
Scene:   Jlawrence is Clive Anderson's hairdresser

<Jlawrence> WELCOME TO THE QUESTIONS FOR ME.  CAN I ANSWER??
<FrostS>    IS IT A TOUGH JOB?
<Jlawrence> YES, ESPECIALLY AT NIGHT.

<Mrs_Brad>  Hehe!
<FrostS>    Hehe!

<JonPryce>  DON'T YOU EVER FEEL YOU'RE JUST "GOING THE EASY WAY OUT"?
<Jlawrence> NO!  I FIND IT QUITE HARD.
<Mochrie>   DO YOU FIND THE JOB REWARDING IN ANY WAY?
<Jlawrence> YES.  I HAD MY NAME IN THE PAPER FOR IT.
<Mrs_Brad>  DO YOU FIND THAT YOU REALLY DON'T HAVE MUCH TO WORK WITH?
<Jlawrence> THE JELLO IS ENOUGH!

<Mochrie>   Haha!
<Mrs_Brad>  LOL!
<JonPryce>  How true, how true...

<FrostS>    DO YOUR EYES GET SORE AFTER A LONG DAY WITH HIM?
<Jlawrence> I CAN LOOK AT HIM ALL DAY!

<Mrs_Brad>  LOL!
<Mochrie>   LOL!

<JonPryce>  DO YOU REQUIRE ANY EXTRA TRAINING FOR A CLIENT WITH THIS SORT
            OF DISABILITY?
<Jlawrence> I ONLY NEED TO LEARN HOW TO DANCE.
<Mochrie>   DOES THIS CLIENT COME IN REGULARLY?
<Jlawrence> AT LEAST THREE TIMES A DAY.
<Mrs_Brad>  OVER THE YEARS, WE'VE SEEN CHANGES IN HIM THAT ON THE "TOP"
            WOULD APPEAR TO MAKE YOUR JOB FAR EASIER, CAN YOU COMMENT ON
            THAT?
<Jlawrence> I'M AFRAID THAT I CAN'T. AM I A HOOKER?

<Mrs_Slatt> FOTFL!
<Jlawrence> MAYBE NOT...
<Mrs_Brad>  LOL! No!
<JonPryce>  Nope...
<Mochrie>   Oh lord! :^)

<FrostS>    DOES HE BUZZ FOR SERVICE?
<Mrs_Brad>  DOES HE EVER NOT GIVE YOU A TIP BECAUSE HE SAYS IT'S A
            "NONSCORING" VISIT??
<Jlawrence> USUALLY NOT. HE ALWAYS GIVES ME A TIP. NEXT QUESTION.
<JonPryce>  DO YOU FEEL YOU'RE WORKING WITH A REAL CELEBRITY?
<Jlawrence> HE'S JUST A NORMAL GUY.  I WORK WITH CLIVE?

<FrostS>    Close.
<Mochrie>   Almost there.
<JonPryce>  Half-way there...

<Jlawrence> I AM A CONTESTANT ON WLIIA?
<Mochrie>   HOW LONG DO YOU THINK IT USUALLY TAKES?
<Jlawrence> 2 MINUTES AT THE MOST.
<Mrs_Brad>  DOES HE EVER AWARD ONE MILLION POINTS TO YOUR SCISSORS?
<Jlawrence> I AM TONY.

* Mochrie bangs his head against the wall.

<FrostS>    DID YOU REALLY THINK THAT YOU WOULD MAKE THE "CUT" WHEN HE
            ASKED YOU FOR SERVICE?

<Mrs_Brad>  Oh dear....
<Jlawrence> ARGHGHGH!!!

* RUSH2112 laughs out loud...no need for the LOL thing. Sheesh!
* Jlawrence faints like Colin

<Jlawrence> I AM AT A LOSS FOR WORDS!
<JonPryce>  IS IT DIFFICULT TO "TAKE SOME OFF THE TOP" WHEN THERE'S NOTHING
            THERE?

<Mrs_Brad>  Hehe!
<RUSH2112>  <snicker>
<Mochrie>   LOL!

<Jlawrence> I AM CLIVE'S HAIR!!!!

<Mrs_Brad>  Ack!! close..
<FrostS>    Close, but no cigar.

* Mochrie slaps his forehead!!! NO NO NO!

<Jlawrence> CLIVE'S BARBER?

<Mrs_Brad>  Yay!!!!!
<JonPryce>  Yes!
<Sam_Slatt> Yeah!
<Mochrie>   <applause!> <whoop whoop whoop!>
<RUSH2112>  DING DING DING!!!
<Mrs_Brad>  You've got it!
<FrostS>    Yes, you are "Clive's barber" !!!!
<JonPryce>  Clive's Hairdresser!!
<Mrs_Brad>  WooHooo!!!!!
<Jlawrence> Yay!!!!
<Mochrie>   Goood game Angie!!!
<Mrs_Brad>  Now it seems obvious, eh?
<JonPryce>  Break out the tequila and party!
<Mochrie>   All those wicked puns! :)
<Sam_Slatt> Go Girl!

* FrostS pumps his arm.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Game:    Press Conference
Players: AshyShrwd, FrostS, JonPryce, Mochrie, Sam_Slatt
Scene:   Sam_Slatt is Ryan Stiles...but JonPryce inadvertantly gave away
         the answer. :)

<Sam_Slatt> HELLO, AND WELCOME TO MY PRESS CONFERENCE IN THE LOVELY RED
            ROOF INN. ANY QUESTIONS?

<Merts>     LOL!

<AshyShrwd> SIMPLY: WILL YOU MARRY ME? :)
<Sam_Slatt> NORMALLY I WOULD SAY YES BUT IT'S THURSDAY.

<AshyShrwd> Hehe!
<Jlawrence> LOL!
<Merts>     Ooh, very WL-like!

<FrostS>    WHERE YOU A GOOFY KID?
<Sam_Slatt> MY BROTHERS DONALD AND MICKEY ALWAYS THOUGHT SO.

<JonPryce>  ROTFL...
<Mochrie>   Augh! :)

<Jlawrence> IS HE REALLY REALLY REALLY YOUR FRIEND???
<Sam_Slatt> HE IS REALLY REALLY MY FRIEND, EXCEPTS WHEN HE FAINTS.
<JonPryce>  WHY DO YOU APPEAR SO MUCH? DON'T YOU HAVE A LIFE?

<AshyShrwd> Hehe
<JonPryce>  All the Ryan fans must hate me now...whoops!
<AshyShrwd> !!!!!
<Jlawrence> ROTFL!!!
<Merts>     Umm...
<AshyShrwd> Sheesh! Never mind....

<Sam_Slatt> I DEMAND A NEW GAME!

<AshyShrwd> LOL!

* JonPryce is a big idiot!

<Merts> :::boo hiss::: :)

<Mochrie>   T.J. SMITH, NEWS FOR ARTICHOKES...HOW DO YOU ENJOY THE VIEW?

<AshyShrwd> LOL!!!!!!!!
<Jlawrence> What happened??
<Mochrie>   Dan gave it away!

* Merts is heckling now!
* AshyShrwd is dying laughing!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Game:    Press Conference
Players: Jon_Pryce, Mochrie, RStiles, Sam_Slatt
Scene:   Sam_Slatt is the adorable little chihuahua in those Taco Bell
         "Gorditas" commercials.

<Sam_Slatt> HELLO AND WELCOME.  I HAD PREPARED A LECTURE ON THE DANGERS OF
            MISTRANSLATION BUT I LOST MY CUE CARDS.  INSTEAD I'LL TAKE
            QUESTIONS ON A RANDOM TOPIC.  FIRST QUESTION.
<JonPryce>  HOW IS IT LIKE WORKING WITH GODZILLA?
<Sam_Slatt> IT'S FUN BUT HE GOES THROUGH ALOT OF MOISTURIZER.
<Mochrie>   DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE PROVIDING A PUBLIC SERVICE?
<Sam_Slatt> YES AND WITH THIS SERVICE I'M NOT BEING HARASSED BY THE POLICE.
<RStiles>   WHAT STARTED THE REVOLUTION?
<Sam_Slatt> APPARENTLY THERE WAS A SHORTAGE OF FONDUE POTS AND THEN
            EVERYTHING WENT TO HECK.

<RStiles>   Oh no, not a shortage of fondue pots!!!
<Mochrie>   Oh, the humanity! :)

<JonPryce>  IS IT VERY STRESSFUL BEING A CELEBRITY SO QUICKLY?
<Sam_Slatt> YES, BUT THEN I HAVE AN EXCUSE TO COMPLAIN.
<Mochrie>   CARR BUNKLE, NEWS FOR MANGOES: HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH YOUR
            OVERWHELMING POPULARITY?
<Sam_Slatt> ?...I DEAL WITH IT BY DOING THINGS THAT WOULD SHOCK MY MOTHER...

<JonPryce>  This isn't very easy, is it Sam?
<Sam_Slatt> No, but I enjoy a challenge.
<RStiles>   Have any idea at all yet Sam?
<Sam_Slatt> None at all.

<RStiles>   WHAT DOES THE KING THINK ABOUT THE ATTACK ON ITS MAIN SANDWICH?
<Sam_Slatt> HE HAS TAKEN THIS AS A SIGN OF ARMEGEDDON.
<JonPryce>  IS THE ACCENT FAKED?
<Sam_Slatt> NO, BUT IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT HIS ACCENT CHANGES WITH HIS
            MOODS.
<Mochrie>   DO YOU FIND THAT YOU'RE GETTING INCREASINGLY "HUNGRY" FOR POWER?

<RStiles>   Oooo, good one!
<JonPryce>  Gotta love the quotation marks!
<Mochrie>   Subtle hint there sam...

<Sam_Slatt> NO, AS I HAD A LARGE MEAL BEFORE I LEFT THE PALACE.
<RStiles>   WHERE DID YOU COME UP WITH THE CATCHY SLOGAN?
<Sam_Slatt> IT CAME TO ME IN A DREAM AFTER TOO MANY DEVILLED EGGS.
<JonPryce>  DID YOU EVER FIND A BIGGER BOX?

<Sam_Slatt> I haven't a bloody clue.
<Merts>     Hehe!

<Sam_Slatt> I FOUND ONE, BUT THERE WAS A FAMILY OF STREET PEOPLE LIVING IN
            IT.
<Mochrie>   DO YOU FIND YOURSELF BEING FOLLOWED BY MASSIVE HORDES OF CHANTERS
            MORE FREQUENTLY NOW?
<Sam_Slatt> I'VE ALWAYS BEEN FOLLOWED BY HORDES, SO IT'S NOTHING NEW.
<RStiles>   DO YOU RUN FOR THE BORDER WHEN YOU ARE IN DANGER?

<JonPryce>  LOL...

<Sam_Slatt> OH! I'M THE LITTLE DOG IN THE TACO BELL COMMERCIALS!

<Merts>     Yea!!
<RStiles>   Yes!!!!
<JonPryce>  Right!!!!!
<Mochrie>   Woo hoo!!!

* Mochrie applauds!
* RStiles applauds louder.
* Sam_Slatt takes a bow.
* Mochrie cheers!
* Mochrie gives sam a standing ovation!

<Mochrie>   Viva Gorditas!

* JonPryce cheers.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Game:    Press Conference
Players: McShane, Mochrie, Philamena, RStiles
Scene:   Mochrie buffs Clive Anderson's head.

<Mochrie>   GOOD EVENING, I'M ULTRA POINTY. I AM HERE TO SPEAK ON A MATTER
            OF IMPORTANCE. I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME, AS I AM LATE FOR A
            SEMINAR ON NEON LOVE CHICKENS. BUT I'LL TAKE SOME QUESTIONS NOW.

<Claudia>   LOL!
<Philamena> ROTF!
<DeanPlays> Hehe!

* Philamena raises her hand.

<Mochrie>   YES, THE LOVELY LADY IN THE BACK...

<Bremner>   Emile, you're such a flirt!
<Mochrie>   What can I say?

<Philamena> JUST WHAT IS USED DURING THIS PROCEDURE?
<Mochrie>   OH, IT'S A HIGHLY COMPLICATED PROCEDURE. IT REQUIRED THE USE OF
            A PAIR OF NEEDLE NOSED PLIERS, A TUB OF LARD, AND A GRAVY BOAT.

<LoriV>     LOL!
<Claudia>   ROFL!
<Philamena> BWAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!
<gproops>   LOL!!!!!!!

* Bremner is laughing like a loon already!

<DeanPlays> Really? Hmmmmmmmm...
<Claudia>   A tub of lard....eh...
<MrsHugh>   Hehehehe!

<Mochrie>   ANOTHER QUESTION?
<McShane>   SO WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO GET AHEAD IN THIS BUSINESS?

<Claudia>   LOL!
<Philamena> TEE HEE!

<Mochrie>   A LOT OF INGENUITY, AND GRADE TEN.

<Philamena> Let Claudia have the next question.
<RStiles>   Thanks. =o)

<Mochrie>   YES, A QUESTION FROM THE YOUNG LADY HERE IN THE FRONT?
<RStiles>   DO YOU LIKE IT EXTRA SHINY, OR JUST ENOUGH TO SEE A
            REFLECTION? =o)

<audience>  LOL!
<Philamena> TEE HEE!
<Bremner>   LOL!
<GProops>   LOL!

<Mochrie>   OH, IN THIS BUSINESS, SHININESS IS EVERYTHING. THE MORE SHINY
            IT IS, THE BETTER IT IS! THAT'S WHY I BUFF MY BALD HEAD EVERY
            DAY!

<BSherwood> Close....
<RStiles>   Ooooh...
<Bremner>   Whoa, this is the fastest PC I've ever seen!

<Mochrie>   UH, CHECK THAT, I BUFF CLIVE ANDERSON'S HEAD EVERY DAY!

<BSherwood> We musta made it too easy!
<GProops>   Yay!!!!!!
<RStiles>   Hey, if mine doesn't give it away =o)
<Philamena> Yes!!!!!!!
<GProops>   <buzzzzzzzz>
<Bremner>   Yay!!!
<RStiles>   Woooohooo!!!!!
<LoriV>     Awww...
<Mochrie>   Woo woo! Too quick!
<BSherwood> We should have tortured him more...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Game:    Press Conference
Players: Brady, Bremner, BSherwood, GProops, LoriV, McShane, Mochrie,
         Philamena, RStiles
Scene:   Philamena answers John Sessions' fan mail.

<Philamena> WELL I'D LIKE TO THANK ALL OF YOU FOR COMING TODAY I'VE ONLY
            GOT 15 MINUTES...THEN I HAVE TO GO AND GET IMPEACHED SO LET'S
            GO!

<Claud>     Hehe!
<Bremner>   LOL!
<Mochrie>   Hehe!

* Brady raises her hand and waves it about wildly while bouncing in her
  seat.

<Philamena> YES HELEN?
<Brady>     HELEN?? DO YOU REALLY FIND THAT IT TAKES UP THAT MUCH OF YOUR
            TIME?

<Bremner>   LOL!

<Philamena> OK SO I'M DRUNK AND I CALL EVERYONE HELEN! NO HELEN, IT DOESN'T
            TAKE UP TOO MUCH TIME, LEAVES ME ENOUGH TIME DURING THE DAY TO
            ROAST MARSHMELLOWS!

<BSherwood> LOL!
<Mochrie>   Mmm...marshmallows!

<Philamena> NEXT QUESTION?
<Bremner>   MEMEMEMEMEME!
<Philamena> YES, THE YOUNG LAD IN THE FRONT AND IN ENGLISH!

<LoriV>     LOL!

<Bremner>   EXCUSE ME, SORRY FOR BEING A LITTLE PRYING, BUT WOULD YOU TELL
            ME THE CONTENTS OF YOUR LAST MAIL DELIVERY?
<Philamena> WELL, I GOT A POSTCARD FROM UNCLE JACK AND AUNTIE EDNA AND
            DECEMBER'S ISSUE OF MARTHA STEWART LIVING...

<Bremner>   LOL!

* BSherwood raises his studmuffinish hand.

<GProops> ROTFL!
<Bremner> RITAL!
<McShane> rital?
<Mochrie> Nick: RITAL = Rolling In The Aisles Laughing! I made it up!
<RStiles> LOL!!

<Philamena> YES, THE GOOD LOOKING FELLOW I'LL SEE YOU OUT BACK LATER BUT
            YOUR QUESTION FIRST?
<BSherwood> YOUVE WORKED WITH HIM SO LONG, WHAT'S HE REALLY LIKE?
<Philamena> HE'S A TIGER!! NEXT QUESTION!

* GProops has a question.

<Philamena> YES?
<GProops>   ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT BEING FIRED DUE TO LACK OF WORK?

<BSherwood> LOL!

<Philamena> NO ABSOLUTELY NOT!! PEOPLE LIKE ME ARE ALWAYS NEEDED!! RIGHT?!?
<GProops>   IF YOU SAY SO...

<BSherwood> hehe

<Philamena> NEXT QUESTION!
<LoriV>     IS IT TRUE THAT MOST OF WHAT YOU READ IS WRITTEN BY YOUR
            EMPLOYER HIMSELF?

<Brady>     Lori! *LOL*
<BSherwood> ROFLMAO
<Bremner>   OH, LOL!
<RStiles>   ROFL!
<BSherwood> Oh man!
<GProops>   RITAL, Lori!!!!!!!!!!!!
<BSherwood> Lori, u are mean!
<LoriV>     :)

<Philamena> NO IT'S A TOTAL LIE!!! WHERE DID YOU HEAR THIS?

<BSherwood> Hahaha!
<MrsHugh>   :)

<McShane>   ONCE YOU SIT DOWN AND START DOING YOUR JOB, HOW LONG DOES A
            TYPICAL SESSION LAST?

<Bremner>   ROFL! BIG BIG CLUE!
<RStiles>   LOL!
<LoriV>     LOL!
<Mochrie>   Hey!!
<GProops>   RITAL once again!!!!!!!!

<Philamena> 7 MINUTES AND 37 SECONDS :::TOTALLY CLUELESS:::

* Mochrie raises his hand to ask a query of the lovely speaker.

<Philamena> AH YES THE HANDSOME FELLOW UP FRONT.

<Mochrie>   Uh.......
<GProops>   C'mon Emile, don't be a Moch Turtle!

<Mochrie>   WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE MOST REWARDING THING ABOUT THE JOB
            YOU DO?

* Mochrie crawls back into his turtle soup.

<Mochrie>   I'm just a shiny terrapin...

<Philamena> WELL SENDING LETTER BOMBS THROUGH THE MAIL IS ALWAYS FUN (?)

<Mochrie>   Hehe!
<Bremner>   LOL...
<Philamena> Am I close?
<RStiles>   HMM...

* RStiles raises her hand.

<Philamena> YES! MS STILES!
<RStiles>   IS IT TRUE THAT THE POSITION AS A FLYSWATTER IN AN INSECT
            REPELLANT FACTORY WAS TAKEN, SO YOU HAD TO DO THIS JOB?

<GProops>   ROTFL!
<Bremner>   ROFL!
<BSherwood> Haha!
<Mochrie>   Hehe!

<Philamena> YES I HAD TO STUFF ENVELOPES TO MAKE A LIVING! WHAT IS WRONG
            WITH THAT?
<Bremner>   OH, ME! ME! ME! FURBY HAS QUESTION! FURBY QUESTION!
<Philamena> YES FURBY!
<Bremner>   ERR... DO YOU FIND THAT YOU SOMETIMES FEEL YOU'RE TELLING LIES?
<Philamena> NO IT WASN'T A LIE TECHNICALLY, I NEVER HAD SEXUAL RELATIONS
            WITH THAT WOMAN!

* Brady bounces in her seat again.

<McShane>   Heh heh!
<Bremner>   LOL!
<RStiles>   Hehehe!
<GProops>   Tee-hee!
<RStiles>   A woman? ROFL!

* Brady also waves her hand.

<Philamena> YES THE MIGHTY FINE SINGER OVER THERE!

<Mochrie>   LOL!!!!

<Brady>     NOW, WHEN YOU HAVE TO TALK TO YOUR EMPLOYER, DO YOU FIND
            YOURSELF NODDING OFF?

<Bremner>   LOL!
<RStiles>   ROFL!

<Philamena> ONLY WHEN I TALK TO DAN PATTERSON.....NEXT QUESTION!

<RStiles>   LOL!!!

* BSherwood raises a hand.

<Philamena> BRADLEY DARLING YES?
<BSherwood> DO YOU EVER MANAGE TO GET A WORD IN WHEN YOU SEE HIM?
<Philamena> ONLY WHEN I TAPE HIS MOUTH SHUT!

* GProops wishes to ask a question.

<Philamena> YES!!! AND YOUR QUESTION IS?
<GProops>   DOES HE INSIST ON BEING BILLED AS THE STAR?

<Bremner>   LOL!
<RStiles>   LOL!
<Mochrie>   ROTFL!
<RStiles>   This makes up for how short the last game was, LOL!

<Philamena> WELL BEING THE PERSON I AM, I ALLOW JOHN SESSIONS NAME TO
            GET TOP BILLING!

<BSherwood> Ooohh close!
<Mochrie>   Half-way there!
<RStiles>   SOOOOOOOO CLOSE!
<Philamena> CLIVE ANDERSON??????
<McShane>   Not quite.
<Mochrie>   Other half!
<RStiles>   RIGHT PERSON! JOHN THAT IS!
<Philamena> PRESIDENT OF JOHN SESSION'S FAN CLUB?
<McShane>   Nope!
<Mochrie>   All one member!
<Bremner>   REALLY CLOSE!
<RStiles>   CLOSE!!!
<GProops>   So close!

<RStiles>   WHO ARE THE MOST DISGRUNTLED PEOPLE IN THE WORLD?
<Philamena> AMERICANS? TEE HEE J/K!!
<McShane>   IF I ASKED FOR A PICTURE, COULD I PUT IT IN A STANDARD 5X7
            FRAME, OR WOULD I NEED TO COVER AN ENTIRE WALL WITH IT, WITH
            MAYBE A COUPLE OF SPOTLIGHTS POINTING AT IT, AND A NICE PLAQUE
            (INCLUDED OF COURSE) UNDERNEATH TOUTING HIS GREATNESS?

<Mochrie>   Hehe!
<BSherwood> LOL Nick!
<GProops>   LOL!

<Philamena> YES OF COURSE YO NEED TO COVER AN ENTIRE WALL WITH IT YOU MUST
            BOW BEFORE THE ALTAR OF JOHN SESSIONS!

<GProops>   LOL!
<LoriV>     LOL!

<Philamena> OK EMILE!! LAST QUESTION!
<Mochrie>   WHAT IN GOD'S NAME WAS THE POSTAL SERVICE THINKING WHEN THEY
            HIRED YOU?!

<Bremner>   LOL!

<Philamena> WELL THEY THOUGHT I WOULD MAKE A FINE POSTMAN BECAUSE I LOOK
            LIKE JOHN SESSIONS!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!?

<LoriV>     LOL!
<Mochrie>   AUGH!!!
<Bremner>   LOL...
<McShane>   Heh heh
<GProops>   SessionMan, is that you???
<BSherwood> No.........

* Philamena is about to collapse, what is it!?!?!

<BSherwood> Shall we tell her?
<Bremner>   We must! We must!
<Mochrie>   You answer John Session's fan mail.
<RStiles>   YEAH!!!

* Bremner growns....groans.

<McShane>   My you've groan!
<LoriV>     LOL!
<MrsHugh>   :)
<RStiles>   LOL!!
<GProops>   Now I'm groaning...
<Mochrie>   I don't smoke because it'll stunt my groath! :-)
<Bremner>   groan+frowm=Grown .... grown+frown=Grown
<Mochrie>   LOL! One more try!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Game:    Press Conference
Players: EstenC, GaryGary, Grandad, Mochrie, Victim
Scene:   Victim is having her pizza delivered by Greg Proops.

<Victim>   WELCOME TO THIS HASTILY ARRANGED PRESS CONFERENCE. I WILL TAKE
           ALL QUESTIONS. YES, YOU THE GUY IN THE BACK WHO JUST HAD HIS
           SHOW CANCELED.
<EstenC>   DID HE LOOK TYPICALLY NERDY FOR HIS JOB WITH THE GLASSES AND
           EVERYTHING?

<GaryGary> Oh cruel, Julie!
<Mochrie>  Very!
<Victim>   I'm sorry, I couldn't help it.
<EstenC>   I'm sad now :(
<Victim>   Just a joke, Chip! I am sarcastic! This will be my chief weapon
           here tonight!
<LoriV>    I thought it was fear and surprise!
<Tim>      Fear, surprise, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope!
<EstenC>   OK, I'm better now! :)
           
<Victim>   ACTUALLY, I FIND GLASSES A SIGN OF INTELLIGENCE, NOT NERDINESS.
<GaryGary> IS HE DOING THIS FOR THE EXTRA MONEY? I THOUGHT HIS CAREER WAS
           GOING SO WELL ON SEVERAL CONTINENTS.
<Victim>   WELL, EVERYONE NEEDS A LITTLE EXTRA CASH NOW AND THEN. AND HE'S
           DOING IT FOR PERSONAL SATISFACTION.
<Grandad>  WAS THAT WHAT YOU EXPECTED WHEN YOU RANG THE NUMBER?
<Victim>   IT CAUGHT ME A LITTLE BY SURPRISE, BUT THEN I GOT OVER IT.
           NEXT QUESTION ... YOU THERE, THE GUY WHO'S ALL OVER CANADIAN TV.
<Mochrie>  YES, MY QUESTION: HOW LONG DID IT TAKE?
<Victim>   JUST LONG ENOUGH.
<EstenC>   DID HE CRACK ANY JOKES THAT WERE EXTRA CHEESY?

<Mochrie>  LOL Mark!!!

<Victim>   NO, HE MADE A FEW DIRTY ONES, THOUGH
<GaryGary> HE'S SO QUICK ON HIS FEET; DID HE MAKE IT WITHIN THE TIME LIMIT?
<Victim>   YES, BUT JUST BARELY.

<Mochrie>  Jul: any ideas yet?
<Victim>   At first, but now I'm doubting my conclusions.

<Grandad>  DID HE OFFER YOU ANY VARIETIES THAT RHYMED WITH EXPLETIVES?

<LoriV>    Hehe!

<Victim>   YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO, BUT HE CHANGED THEM
           AT THE LAST SECOND! (Varieties???)

<Mochrie>  MMM-HMMM, AND DID YOU GIVE HIM A TIP?
<Victim>   NO, BUT I LAUGHED AT HIS JOKES AND PROMISED TO SEE HIM AT COBB'S.
<EstenC>   SO, IS HE A VEGETARIAN, OR MORE OF A MEAT-LOVER?
<Victim>   OH, HE LIKES MEAT. AND HE MAKES CRACKS ABOUT BABY VEAL.

<Mochrie>  Hehe!
<EstenC>   Any ideas yet? :)
<GaryGary> Guess! :)

<Victim>   GREG'S A DELIVERY BOY FOR A RESTAURANT? OR POSSIBLY NOT...

<Grandad>  Close....
<Mochrie>  Close....you're very close.
<Claudia>  Oooo, so close!!
<LoriV>    Clive would give it to her! :)

<GaryGary> WHAT IS HE DELIVERING?
<Victim>   HE'S A WAITER? A CHEF?

<Tim>      Getting cold now.
<EstenC>   Try a few more questions? :)

<Victim>   HE'S DELIVERING ...(I'M AFRAID TO GUESS...)

<GaryGary> LOL!
<Claudia>  Just say it!
<GaryGary> We're not that bad, julie!
<Mochrie>  Okay...bring on more questions!

<Victim>   MORE QUESTIONS! THAT WASN'T WHAT I MEANT! NOT WITHOUT NESSA AND
           NAT HERE!
<GaryGary> WHEN NAT HELPED YOU MAKE UP YOUR MIND TONIGHT, DID YOU EXPECT
           SUCH A WONDERFUL SURPRISE?
<Victim>   NO, NEVER. BUT I LOVE SURPRISES. (??)

<Tim>      Poor Julie is waiting for more questions!
<Victim>   Poor me!

<Grandad>  WAS HE ON THE NUMBER YOU MEMORISED?
<Victim>   YES, GREG WAS MY PIZZA DELIVERY BOY!

<LoriV>    YAY!
<Tim>      Wooohooooo!
<GaryGary> Yay!!!!
<Mochrie>  Woo!!!
<Claudia>  YES!!! YAY!!!!
<EstenC>   Whoohoo!
<Grandad>  Woooohoooo! Well done Julie!

* LoriV applauds.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Game:    Press Conference
Players: Ang, BSherwood, EstenC, JonPryce, Legal, LoriV, Old_Man, RStiles
Scene:   Ang is Ryan Stiles's tailor.

<Ang>       OK, UH, WELCOME EVERYONE TO MY FIRST EVER PRESS CONFERENCE...
<BSherwood> I HAVE A QUESTION.... HOW DID YOU GET THIS JOB?
<Ang>       I SAW AN AD ON TV ASKING FOR RECRUITS, SO I APPLIED.

<BSherwood> LOL!
<StingCham> Hehe!
<RStiles>   Heehee!
<EmileJ>    LOL!

<EstenC>    SO HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF IT WERE _HIS_ PANTS THAT SPLIT?

<RStiles>   LOL!
<BSherwood> LOL Mark!
<Tim>       LOL!

<Ang>       I'D BE SHOCKED AND AMAZED AT THE SAME TIME.
<JonPryce>  WOULD YOU HAPPEN TO BE FROM WALBRUSH OR NORTH BATTLEFORD?
<Ang>       I WOULD BE FROM WALBRUSH

* RStiles just got the joke =o)

<LoriV>     IS HE CO-OPERATIVE WHILE YOU'RE WORKING ON HIM OR DOES HE FUSS?
<Ang>       OH HE FUSSED A LOT, WOULDN'T SIT STILL!
<RStiles>   SO, HOW MUCH MATERIAL *DO* YOU USE?
<Ang>       THE FIRST TIME I USED 5 FEET, BUT CUT IT DOWN THE LAST TIME TO 3.
<BSherwood> CAN I JUST SAY THREE WORDS TO YOU AND GET YOUR REACTION.....NEON
            LOVE CHICKEN...
<Ang>       LOL! HELLO BABY!

<JonPryce>  LOL!
<EmileJ>    Ooh!
<RStiles>   LOL!
<Tim>       Haaaaaa!

<EstenC>    I KNOW A PROFESSIONAL LIKE YOURSELF WOULD FIND IT SIMPLE TAKING
            SOMETHING UP... BUT HOW DO YOU TAKE THINGS 'DOWN'?
<Ang>       I GRAB HOLD AND GIVE A GOOD TUG!

<LoriV>     LOL!

<JonPryce>  WHAT IS HIS FAVOURITE FASHION "STYLE"?
<Ang>       ANYTHING BRIGHT!
<LoriV>     ARE THE FLAMINGO LEGS ESPECIALLY TOUGH TO WORK WITH?

<Tim>       LOL!
<EmileJ>    LOL!
<BayofNine> Heh... 

<Ang>       THEY DID TAKE A WHILE TO FIND BUT ONCE I READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
            EVERYTHING WENT OK.

<Tim>       LOL Ang!

<BSherwood> HOW IS IT HE NEVER SEEMS TO PUT ON WEIGHT?
<Ang>       I THINK ITS THOSE INDIGESTION SIMULATOR PILLS, THEY SEEM TO DO
            THE TRICK!

<LoriV>     Thought so! :) LOL Ang!
<EmileJ>    Hehe!
<JonPryce>  LOL!
<Tim>       LOL Ang!

<EstenC>    JUST WONDERING IF YOU COULD DO DUPLICATES IN BABY SIZES? SEE, I
            KNOW THIS GUY...
<Ang>       I HAVEN'T TRIED YET...BUT YOU NEVER KNOW!
<JonPryce>  HOW TEMPTING IS IT TO STRIP HIM DOWN FOR EXTRA MEASUREMENTS?

<EmileJ>    Hehehehehehehee!
<StingCham> LOL!!
<BSherwood> Ulp!

<Ang>       VERY TEMPTING!
<LoriV>     WHAT DO YOU DO WITH HIS SHIRTS AFTER MESSY GAMES?

<StingCham> Hehe!

<Ang>       I FRAME THEM!
<Old_Man>   CAN YOU TELL US HIS MEASUREMENTS?
<Ang>       HE DOESN'T WANT ME TO REPEAT THEM!

<LoriV>     Any guesses yet?
<Ang>       Has it got something to do with Ryan?
<LoriV>     Yes! :)
<EmileJ>    Yes! :)
<Old_Man>   Yes...you're Ryan's.....

<Ang>       I'M RYAN'S SIGNIFICANT OTHER!

<LoriV>     No....hint: you work for him. You're his....
<Legal>     It rhymes with "bulging manhood"..oh wait, no it doesn't...
<BatMan>    LOL!
<LoriV>     LOL!
<New_Man>   LOL Ash!
<Legal>     Dang, I can't blame painkillers anymore...
<BatMan>    Bulging manhood... heh...

<EstenC>    HAVE YOU HAD MANY CLOSE EXPERIENCES WITH HIS INSIDE LEG?

<Legal>     Hehe, I got a big hint! :)

<Ang>       PLEASE!
<JonPryce>  IF YOU SCREWED UP, WOULD HE SEW?

<LoriV>     Let's hear some big hints!
<Old_Man>   OK Ash, Dan... your big hints please! :)
<New_Man>   I see your big hint and raise ya!

<Legal>     HOW DO YOU LIKE BEING RYAN'S TRAILER??? SORRY, I MISREAD THAT...
<Old_Man>   THAT'S A GOOD HINT, ASH
<EstenC>    DO YOU THINK HE'S CUTE AS A BUTTON?
<Ang>       EVEN CUTER!
<Old_Man>   WHAT IS IT LIKE TO HAVE RESPONSIBILITY FOR RYAN'S WARDROBE?
<EstenC>    DO YOU REALISE IF YOU DID IT FOR HIS FATHER, YOU'D SOUND LIKE
            THE LEAD CHARACTER ON HOME IMPROVMENT? (TIM TAYLOR)

<Tim>       LOL Mark!
<EmileJ>    Now you can play WLiiA at home with the brand new WLiiA brand
            Home Improv-ment kit! Flamingo legs not included.
<StingCham> LOL Emile!

<Legal>     Hehe, this is obscure: ANG, YOU KILLED SEVEN WITH ONE BLOW...

<Legal>     So to speak...and no you are NOT Monica Lewinsky....
<StingCham> LOL!!!!
<Old_Man>   OK, I think we'll give it to Ang, shes been tortured long enough
            :) Ang, you were Ryan's tailor
<Joanne>    LOL!
<EmileJ>    Hehehe!
<Old_Man>   Woohooo well done Ang!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<Legal>     Dang, I was about to act it out for her!
<Tim>       Wooohooo!

* EmileJ congratulates Ang on a great first game :)

<Ang>       Oh my goodnees, how could i not see that!!!
<LoriV>     Good responses, Ang!
<StingCham> Hehehehe!
<Old_Man>   Sorry Ang, I hope we werent too mean to you :)
<EmileJ>    Good try!
<Ang>       Next time, I do better!!
<Legal>     Hehe, it was probably my clues that threw ya! ;)
<StingCham> Nice try, Ang!

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Game:    Press Conference
Players: Brady, Bremner, GregP, Wayne
Scene:   Wayne is claiming to be the father of Laura Hall's baby.

<Wayne>   OK I WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING, AND LET'S START THE
          QUESTIONS.
<GregP>   DOES IT BOTHER YOU THAT THIS IS BEING VEHEMENTLY DENIED?
<Wayne>   NO NOT AT ALL I DON'T THINK.
<Bremner> ERR... WHAT KIND OF APPARATUS DID YOU USE TO PERFORM THIS ACT?
<Wayne>   A STRONG ONE - NEXT?

<EmileJ>  Heh!

<Brady>   DOES IT BOTHER YOU THAT SHE'S STILL WORKING AT THIS TIME?
<Wayne>   NOT AT ALL - SHE CAN WORK IF SHE WANTS TO - NEXT!
<GregP>   DID THIS HAPPEN ON THE PIANO?
<Wayne>   YES.

<EmileJ>  Oh dear :) :)

<Brady>   DO YOU THINK THIS EARLY EXPOSURE TO THE LIMELIGHT COULD INDEED
          BE A SIGN FOR THE FUTURE?
<Wayne>   I THINK SO.
<Brady>   A FOLLOW UP QUESTION, WHAT IS HER RESPONSE TO YOUR CLAIMS?
<Wayne>   I HAVEN'T TALKED TO HER.
<GregP>   WHAT HAS BEEN HER HUSBAND'S RESPONSE?
<Wayne>   HOPEFULLY GOOD.
<GregP>   SURPRISING!

<Wayne>   Can you tell I have no clue?

<Brady>   DO YOU THINK SHE'LL CONTINUE WITH HER CAREER, EVEN ON THE
          SIDELINES AS SHE OFTEN IS NOW, WITH THIS ADDED RESPONSIBILITY?
<Wayne>   YES.
<GregP>   DID YOU MEET HER AT A TAPING?
<Wayne>   YES.
<Brady>   DO YOU EXPECT THIS TALENT FOR MUSIC TO BE CARRIED ON TO YOUR
          DESCENDENTS?
<Wayne>   NO. LAST QUESTION...
<GregP>   DO YOU KNOW THE GENDER, AND WILL IT HAVE A TALENT FOR PLAYING
          HOEDOWNS?
<Wayne>   YES.

<GregP>   OK, David, you said last question, so what is it?
<Wayne>   I have no clue. I just said last question because it was hopeless!
          LOL!
<GregP>   Want us to continue?
<Wayne>   Nope, like I said it is hopeless.
<GregP>   OK, the answer: You're claiming to be the father of Laura Hall's
          baby.
<EmileJ>  LOL!
<Wayne>   LOL!
<GregP>   That didn't go as well as I'd hoped, but oh well,,,
<EmileJ>  Good try. :)
<Wayne>   Thanks.
<EmileJ>  First PC is always tough! :) Don't I know! :)
<GregP>   Yeah, good job. It wasn't as easy a topic as I'd hoped.
<Wayne>   LOL! No it wasn't!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                          
Game:    Press Conference
Players: Colin, GaryGary, Marsha, McShaneM
Scene:   Marsha is the first person in the world to make out with Clive at
         a Star Wars premiere.

<Marsha>    I'D LIKE TO WELCOME YOU ALL TO MY FIRST PRESS CONFERENCE. FIRST
            QUESTION PLEASE.
<Colin>     DID YOU ACTUALLY SEE ANY OF IT?
<Marsha>    NO!  I WAS BUSY AT THE ZOO AT THE TIME!

<audience2> LOL!
<Audience>  Heh!

<Marsha>    NEXT QUESTION.
<GaryGary>  ALL THE HYPE AND ALL THE YEARS OF WAITING...AND THEN YOU DO
            SOMETHING LIKE THIS! WHAT WAS THE POINT OF GOING?
<Marsha>    I WAS CURIOUS TO SEE HOW THE OTHER HALF LIVED.

<Colin>     Hee hee hee!
<audience2> LOL!

<Marsha>    YES, MA'AM...
<McShaneM>  SO WERE YOU SUBJECTED TO A LOT OF 'SHUSHING' AND THE DREADED
            'HALF-TURN' ?

<GaryGary>  LOL!
<Colin>     LOL!

<Marsha>    THAT CAN HAPPEN BUT I'M A VERY CAREFUL DRIVER. YOU IN THE
            GLASSES...
<Colin>     DID YOU FIND THE GLARE DISTRACTING?
<Marsha>    NOT REALLY!  MY ABESTOS SKIN HELPED DEFLECT THE RAYS. IN THE
            BACK...

<Audience>  Heh!
            
<GaryGary>  SO YOU WERE "TOO BUSY SNOGGING ON THE BACK ROW?" AS JOSIE WOULD
            SAY?
<Marsha>    HEY, I ALWAYS REACH FOR THE STARS. NEXT!
<McShaneM>  SO WAS IT WORTH THE MONEY YOU HAD TO PAY TO GET IN?
<Marsha>    WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT....IT WAS WORTH THE FULL $9.50!

<audience2> $9.50!!!!!!!!!!
<GaryGary>  In some places! :)

<Colin>     BE HONEST NOW, DID THIS HAPPEN BECAUSE YODA TURNS YOU ON?

<Audience>  LOL!
<GaryGary>  Ooh Yoda baby!

<Marsha>    ACTUALLY, LUKE SKYWALKER AND I CONSTANTLY FIGHT ABOUT THAT.....
            YOU COULD ALMOST SAY WE GO TO WAR!

<audience2> Any idea, Marsha?
<Marsha>    Am I at the premiere of the new Star Wars movie?
<Clive>     Yeah, but there is more.
<Audience>  Almost....there's more to it.
<GaryGary>  You are, but that's only part :)

<Marsha>    ARE YODA AND I AN ITEM? DATE?

<GaryGary>  LOL!
<Audience>  LOL!
<Clive>     Not Yoda!

<GaryGary>  SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN SEING HIM? ARE YOU ALWAYS ATRRACTED
            TO SHOWBIZ TYPES?
<Marsha>    WE'VE BEEN GOING OUT SINCE HIGH SCHOOL...BEFORE HIS SHOWBIZ
            YEARS.
<McShaneM>  DID YOU HAVE TO DO IT IN THE STYLE OF SCIENCE FICTION AT ALL?

<GaryGary>  Hehehe!
<Colin>     *chuckle*

<Marsha>    WITH LUCAS?  YES!  OH YES!

<GaryGary>  When 900 years old you reach, need Viagra you will!
<Colin>     LOL!!
<McShaneM>  Was he mad?
<GaryGary>  Who knows?
<Marsha>    Darth Vader?
<GaryGary>  OK, next question :)

<Colin>     DID HE INTRODUCE THE CHARACTERS AS THEY CAME ON SCREEN OR WAS IT
            TOO HOT AND HEAVY FOR THAT?
<Marsha>    HE WAS BEHIND THE POPCORN STAND AT THE TIME...:)
<GaryGary>  SO YOU AND THIS SEXY MODERATOR PAID THAT MUCH MONEY AND ENDURED
            THE LONG LINES WHEN YOU COULD HAVE BEEN ON THE COUCH AT HOME? ARE
            YOU EXHIBITIONISTS?

<Colin>     LOL!
<Audience>  Hehe!

<Marsha>    Good God! Not Clive Anderson....
<McShaneM>  Can you piece it together?
<GaryGary>  So what are you famous for?
<Marsha>    Going to the premiere with Clive Anderson.
<Audience>  And.....?
<Marsha>    Doing it during the movie?????????? In the back row!!!!!!!
<Colin>     Yes!!!
<McShaneM>  <BZZZZZZZZZZZZ!>
<GaryGary>  Yay!
<Audience>  Woo!!! <Ding ding>
<McShaneM>  We give you 69 points!
<GaryGary>  Well, making out instead of watching the movie :)
<Colin>     Well done Marsha, you wanton trollop! :)
<McShaneM>  Yeah, we have no respect for you any more!
<GaryGary>  But if Clive turns you on that much....
<Marsha>    YESSSSSSSSS!  What do I win?
<Audience>  You win....a hug! Good game, luv (hug)
<Marsha>    You guys are great.....
<Marsha>    I'm just slow.....
<GaryGary>  You win our eternal respect and admiration! :)
<Marsha>    :)

* Colin would like to take this opportunity to point out that he is also
  follically challenged.... :)

<GaryGary>  No, that was good Marsha!
<Marsha>    That was fun!
<GaryGary>  It was a pretty complicated quirk
<Colin>     How many people actually get their quirks during an initiation
            anyway?
<GaryGary>  Hehehe, well Emile had a difficult time....

---------------------------------------------------------------------------