--------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY? WLIIA Chat Games --------------------------------------------------------------------------- AUTHORS --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Game: Authors Players: Bremner (Zagat's Restaurant Survey), EstenC (Japanese-Translated Instruction Manual), JonPryce (The Holy Gospel), Mochrie (A Computer Science Textbook), PaulMerto (Terrence Dicks...the author of "Doctor Who") Title: "Joe Bloggs Takes The Tube" IF JOE BLOGGS NEEDS TO GET "ON THE NO-ATMOSPHERE" NORTHERN LINE, HE SHOULD COME TO THIS "FIRST-RATE" TUBE STOP IN BELGRAVIA. "TOP NOTCH SERVICE AND MUSIC" FROM THE BUSKERS DON'T DETRACT FROM THE "ETHEREAL NORTHERN LINE EXPERIENCE." TO GET TO TUBE SHOP TAKE WEST LINE UP BEING IN TRAIN. TRAIN GO FROM 4 PM FROM STATION CALLED CRESENT MORNINGTON. CATCH TRAIN TO BE IN DIRECTION OF LINE. NORTHERN GOING LINE WILL BE IN DIRECTION OF WANT. LOL... So authentic! AND THE LORD SAID TO MOSES, "TAKE TWO OF EACH CATTLE, AND HIPPO, AND ASS AND BRING THEM DOWN, DOWN BELOW THE EARTH TO THE TUBE... AND BRING THEM TO FINCH STATION WHERE THEY SHALL BE SAFE FROM THE FORTY DAYS AND NIGHTS OF FLOODING. FEAR NOT FOR THE FARE, FOR JESUS WILL COME AND SPLIT TWO TOKENS AND FIVE TICKETS AMONGST THE PEOPLE." THE TUBE THAT JOE BLOGGS IS RIDING IN IS BEING RUN BY THE MOST MODERN COMPUTER SYSTEM EVER DEVISED. THE PROGRAM THAT OPERATES IT IS SIMPLICITIY ITSELF, A VERY ELEGANT PROGRAM OF SLEEK DESIGN. RELYING ON THE PRINCIPLES OF POINTERS AND OBJECT-ORIENTED PROGRAMMING, THE TUBE CAN EASILY TAKE OUR PASSENGERS, IN THIS CASE, JOE BLOGGS, TO ANY STATION ON THE NORTHERN LINE THAT HE WANTS. INDEED, THE NORTHERN LINE ITSELF IS A TECHNOLOGICAL MARVEL, OF BELLS AND WHISTLES... Whoops, pressed the wrong button! Hang on, there's somebody at the microwave... LOL! THE TUBE STATION WAS RAIDED BY DALEKS. THE DALEKS STARTED EXTERMINATING EVERYONE. JOE BLOGGS, WHO WAS THE DOCTOR IN DISGUISE SAW A TUBE HANGING OFF ONE OF THE DALEKS. HE GRABBED THE TUBE AND RAN. THE DALEKS BLEW UP AND CAUSED A SEVERE CONTINUTY PROBLEM. WITH NEW CHEF ROGER DALEK, GUESTS CAN'T "MIND" THE "GAP LEFT BY CHEF PIERRE CAMDENTOWN'S DEPARTURE." AND RECENT DECOR MAKEOVERS HAVE CAUSED GUESTS TO SAY "WHERE'S THE WAY OUT?" FIND THE EXIT IS IMPORTANT. IF NOT FIND THE EXIT, TRAIN DEPARTURE WILL BE POSSIBLE NO MORE. PLEASE TO FIND EXIT BEFORE DEPARTING TIME IS NEAR. NOT WANTING DELAY CONTROLLERS. AND THE LORD SAID, "JOE BLOGGS, MY SON, LEAVE THE NORTHERN LINE AND ENTER THE STATION KNOWN AS ISRAEL! FOR IF YOU DO NOT, THE HIGH JEWISH CONTROLLERS WILL COME AND CRUCIFY YOU! AND JOE BLOGGS DECIDED TO SPIT INTO A BOWL OF WATER AND TRANSFORMED INTO WINE. AND HE GOT RIP-ROARIN' DRUNK!" EACH OF THE STATIONS ALONG THE NORTHERN LINE, INCLUDING CLAPHAM SOUTH, CLAPHAM COMMON, CLAPHAM NORTH, AND INDEED, YES, NOT FORGETTING TOTTENHAM COURT ROW, ARE LINKED TOGETHER WITH A SERIES OF FIBRE-OPTIC AND COAXIAL CABLES. WITH THIS SYSTEM, THE DATA (SPECIFICALLY ARRIVALS AND DEPARTURES) CAN BE EASILY UPLOADED AND DOWNLOADED AT THE APPROPRIATE JUNCTURES WHEN THE TRAIN IS APPROACHING THE SPECIFIC STATION IN QUESTION. WITH THE ADDITION OF A LARGE HARD DRIVE (KNOWN IN THE COMPUTER FIELD AS A *BIG MOTHER*), BRITISH RAIL CAN EASILY MANIPULATE THE DATA, CAUSING MASSIVE DELAYS ALONG THE LINE, WHICH OF COURSE IS JUST BUSINESS AS USUAL FOR BRITISH RAIL. THE HARD DRIVE WAS CONNECTED TO A GIANT WAR ROBOT DESIGNED BY THE EVIL ZAGAFLAZK. THE WORLD WAS TERRIFIED OF THIS RATHER CHEAP LOOKING PEICE OF CARDBOARD. AND ALL WHO WERE SHOT BY IT'S WEAPONRY SCREAMED AND FELL OVER MINUTES AFTER THE GUNS WERE SHOT. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Game: Authors Players: Bremner (Annoying descriptions on the back of bath products), EstenC (Enid Blyton), JonPryce (Jean Rabe), Mochrie (William Shakespeare) Title: "The Teletubbies Come For Dinner" WHEN YOU HAVE THE TELETUBBIES OVER FOR DINNER, POUR TWO CUPS OF TUBBY CUSTARD INTO A BOWL, SNIFF, AND WATCH MOTHER NATURE FILL YOUR BODY AND PSYCHE WITH ETHEREAL DELIGHTS. WAIT FOR A WHILE, AND SOAK IN THE MOMENT FOR YOUR DOORBELL TO SING WITH MIRTH WHEN THE TUBBIES ARRIVE. "SHALL WE HAVE SOME GINGER SNAPS AND ORANGE POP?" ASKED TINKY WINKY. "YES, WE SHALL" REPLIED PO. "GOSH, ISN'T THIS FUN!" SAID DIPSY. "WHY DON'T WE HAVE AN ADVENTURE?" ASKED LAA-LAA. "YES, LET'S!" CHORUSED THE OTHERS. SO DIPSY GAVE THEM ALL POISONED TWIGLETS. TINKY-WINKY RUSHED UP AND SAID, "LET'S ALL ACT LIKE WE HAVE NO VOCABULARY AND WANDER POINTLESSLY IN THE DESERT." LAA-LA SAID, "YES, AND LET'S INTRODUCE A BUNCH OF HALF-BAKED UNDER-DEVELOPED CHARACTERS THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO ACT AS MAIN CHARACTERS." DIPSY SAID, "WHAT ABOUT MY TWIGLETS?" PO SAID, "I'D SAY SOMETHING BUT THAT WOULD RISK ME BECOMING A DEVELOPED CHARACTER." AND FORSOOTH, THERE CAME A TIME WHEN THE TELETUBBIES DIDST TAKE DIPSY'S TWIGLETS TINGED WITH THE ESSENCE OF NIGHTSHADE, AND DIDST DEVOUR THEM HEARTILY. AND LO, PO, HIS HEAD DIDST SPIN, AND HE DIDST SPEAK IN HIGH-PITCHED TONGUES. AND THE SUN, A ROUND ORB OF DEEPEST ORANGE, CLAD WITH THE ODD FIGURE OF A YOUNG CHILD, BEGAN TO SET IN THE DARKENING SKY. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Game: Authors Players: AlastairM (Alastair McLeod), C-Manual (Instruction manual for assembling a desk), Dean-Enid (Enid Blyton), eecSting (e.e. cummings), JaneAuste (Jane Austen), Letter-Ed (A letter to the editor of a newspaper), MryWalker (Murray Walker) Title: "The Unfortunate Fate Of The Insurance Salesman" IT WAS TRAGIC WHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY. OLD McKENZIE, THE INSURENCE SALES MEN FROM CAPE BRETON DECIDED THAT IT WAS TIME FOR HIM TO RETURN TO THE LIFE OF HIS FAMILY. Buzz! * Dean-Enid sheds a tear! ('Tis moving!) HIS FAMILY CONSISTED OF SEVERAL DIFFERENT PIECES HELD TOGETHER BY 2 TYPES OF GLUE. Buzz! Heehehee HIS FAMILY MET IN A SHED, WHERE ADMISSION WAS BY PASSWORD AND THEY ALWAYS HAD CRAM CAKES AND LASHINGS OF GINGER BEER FOR TEA. "I SAY GEORGE" SAID JANET, "LETS HAVE A JOLLY ADVENTURE, WHAT HO?" Buzz! LOL! shed(like,wood)&c ra mca ke s they,which along were taken onther&) e(adventure) l ake(to which,they go) was near &)kids Buzz! LOL! Hehe! LOL! Cool! Hehe! This looks like some bizarre computer language :) AND ACROSS THAT LAKE MISS DARCY SAW MISTER ADAMS AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF THAT MR. ADAMS DID LOOK LIKE A JOLLY FELLOW, BUT SHE DID NOT KNOW IF SHE COULD LOVE AN INSURANCE SALESMAN SUCH AS HE. THE SUMMER SUN HAD BURNED HIS JOLLY ASS AND MISS DARCY COULD NO LONGER LOVE A MAN WITH A BURNED JOLLY ASS :) Buzz! ROFL!!!!!!!!!!! LOL! Hehe! Not very Jane Austen! :) DEAR SIR (OR MADAM): I WAS DEEPLY OFFENDED BY THE ARTICLE "THE UNFORTUNATE FATE OF THE INSURANCE SALESMAN" IN THE DECEMBER 22 EDITION OF "THE SUNDAY STAR". I AM AN INSURANCE SALESMAN, AND I RESENT THE IMPLICATION THAT ALL INSURANCE SALESMEN HAVE BURNED JOLLY ASSES. Buzz buzz buzz!! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! Hehehe! I DON'T EVEN OWN A DONKEY... LOL ROFL! ROFL!!! Hey, penalties for improvising after the bell! :) I'm sorry, I had to! I deduct a micro point from Emile! AND WE SHOULD BE SEEING SOME MASTERFUL DONKEY RIDING HERE TODAY. JUST WATCH AS THE INSURANCE SALESMAN REALLY IMPRESSES... OH NO, HE'S FALLEN OFF! WELL, WHAT A TRAGEDY ON THIS SECOND LAST, PENULTIMATE FINAL LAP. AND WE'LL BE SEEING SOME DEFINITE INSURANCE SALES NOW, UNLESS THESE ARE THE SALES, WHICH THEY ARE. Buzz! LOL! God yr funny Marko :) Hehe! LOL! YES......IT WAS THE SAME DONKEY HE HAD SEEN MANY YEARS AGO...THE ONE THAT KILLED HIS FATHER. YES, THE CU MOR GLAS A'BHAIS WAS FOLLOWING HIM AND ALWAYS WOULD UNTIL HIS QUIT THE INSURENCE BUSINESS AND WENT BACK OUT TO SEA ON THE SKIFF. THERE, SPREADING CHUM INTO THE SEA...ONLY THEN COULD HE BE FREE..... Buzz! THE INSURANCE WAS ABORTED BECAUSE AN ALLEN WRENCH INSTEAD OF A FLATHEAD. THE DONKEY HAD TWO NUTS (A) AND (B). THESE TWO NUTS WERE TO BE INSERTED INTO SOCKET (C) AND (D) USING A SANDER THAT COULD BE PURCHASED AT HOME DEPOT FOR ONLY 59.95. THE HOME DEPOT OFFERS MANY DEALS FOR THOSE WHO ARE HARDWARILLY HADICAPPED! Buzz! LOL!!! LOL! LOL! LOL! Hehehehe! WE CAN HELP YOU BUILD YOUR DREAM BOOKCASE... Buzz!!!! PETER DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO INSERT THE NUTS INTO THE SOCKET SO HE ASKED THE FAIRY THAT LIVED AT THE BOTTOM OF THE GARDEN. BUT JULIAN CLARY DIDN'T KNOW EITHER... ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehehehe! LOL! ROFL! ROTFLMAO!! Oh that's awful!!! ROFL! I want more! I can't buzz! That was too too perfect! SO THERE WERE MORE LASHINGS OF BUNS AND TEA ALL ROUND BEFORE THEY ALL WENT HOME FOR TEA. Buzz! Woohooo Dean! don,key(&nuts);with buns(lashing)tea of,fairy &dark s ol ace insurance cl,ear(where to go? &how to,find burned asses Buzz! Hehehe! LOL! * Aud stands and applaudes Will! * C-Manual applauds! Thankee =) Wooohooo! ASSES, MISS DARCY WAS BACK TO THINKING ABOUT MR. ADAMS THE INSURANCE SALESMAN'S ASS, NOW IT WAS NO LONGER JOLLY, BUT BURNED... Buzz! LOL! Heh! What edition of Jane Austen have you been reading? It's not Hugh Grant...oh, I suppose it is.. The good version of Jane Austen :) Hehe! AND SURELY, WHY MUST SOCIETY ONLY CARE FOR THAT PART OF A SALESMAN'S ANATOMY! AND WHETHER IT'S BURNED OR NOT IS BESIDE THE POINT! Buzz! LOL! Hehehehehe! LOL! WELL, IT'S OBVIOUSLY BURNED, AND I SAY OBVIOUSLY BECAUSE I CAN'T SEE IT. AND UNLESS I'M VERY MUCH MISTAKEN... I *AM* VERY MUCH MISTAKEN! Buzz! LOL! LOL! Hehehe! Yay! Hehe!!! Great game!!! Good show everyone! Wooohooo! Great fun! :) Wooohoo! That was fun! :) You guys are very clever :) Sorry Emile that I cut you off too soon! I had too much fun being a morose Celtic author! :) I even got some Gaelic in! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Game: Authors Players: duddy (A pop star's autobiography), EmileJ (A "Two Fat Ladies" cookbook), Lisa00 (A children's story author), SinghSong (Michael Crichton) Title: "Trapped In Hell With Mom" I WANDERED AROUND WEMBLEY STADIUM, WAITING TO GO ON STAGE. 100,000 PEOPLE WERE SHOUTING MY NAME AS THE BACKING SINGERS CHECKED I WAS OK, FUSSING AROUND AS THEY ALWAYS DID. THEN SUDDENLY.. ...AND THEN, I COULD HEAR THE VOICE OF MY MOTHER. SHE'D TELL ME, "YOU CAN NEVER MAKE BUBBLE AND SQUEAK RIGHT, CAN YOU JENNIFER?" AND YET, TO THIS DAY, I'VE FOUND I'VE NEVER MADE IT QUITE LIKE SHE USED TO. LOL! JENNIFER TRIED VERY HARD TO PLEASE HER MOTHER. HELPING AROUND THE HOUSE MADE HER MOM PROUD OF HER. JENNIFER LIKED MIXING THE COOKIE DOUGH ALL UP, ALTHOUGH SOMETIMES SHE SPILLED IT. BUT HER MOTHER LOVED HER NO MATTER WHAT SHE DID. JENNIFER'S MOTHER WAS ALWAYS HANGING AROUND. JENNIFER WAS A GOOD SINGER, BUT HER MOTHER THOUGHT SHE KNEW BETTER. SHE WAS ALWAYS UNDER THE THUMB. I FOUND THEM ANNOYING, I SHOULD HAVE KICKED HER MOTHER OUT OF THE STADIUM. BUT IT WAS TOO LATE, SHE WAS ONSTAGE. NOW GENTLY USE YOUR THUMBS TO SPREAD THE DOUGH EVENLY INTO A CIRCLE. * duddy wonders whether Emile is being risque. THEN CHILL IT FOR A HALF HOUR OR SO, BECAUSE PASTRY ALWAYS LIKES THAT. AND BE SURE TO BRUSH THE TOP EVENLY WITH MELTED LARD, WITH A BIT OF DOUBLE CREAM FOR LUCK. SPREAD TOFFEE BITS WILLY-NILLY.... 1000 points docked for ignoring the buzzer... :) :) I FEEL LIKE EVITA.... SHUT UP, JENNIFER!!! ALRIGHT, CLARISSA. UNTIL THEN THE DOUGH HAD SEEMED NORMAL, BUT THE INTRINSIC NATURE OF TRI-HIDROCLIDMEKDIGLSKEIDLS-ACID THAT'S DISPERESED EVENLY THOUGHT THIS PASTRY WAS NOT KNOWN UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE.... Woah! Lisa next, then Singh! Hey, just a minute, I didn't buzz! She came before me...? Didn't she? Yes. So to speak... Well, after me too, but... ;) Matt! Matt! Yes? *hmm, Matt perhaps?* WILLY-NILLY WAS JENNIFER'S IMAGINARY FRIEND. HE KEPT HER COMPANY WHEN SHE WAS ALONE. SOMETIMES THEY WOULD STAY UP LATE AT NIGHT TELLING SECRETS. WILLY-NILLY WAS JENNIFER'S BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD. BUT WILLIN NILLY HAD A *DEEP* **DARK** SECRET...WILLY HAD A HABIT OF USING HER TELEPSYCIC ABILITIES TO KILL PEOPLE WITH HER PASTRIES. AND NOW 100,000 PEOPLE HAD EATEN THE PASTRIES AND WERE ABOUT TO BE POISONED BEFORE MY VERY EYES! YET ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS SING MY SONGS AND FIND SOME GROUPIES. I heard you the first time, slaphead! ;) * Clive deducts 500 points from duddy for unauthorized use of the buzzer, innuendo, and insults :) * duddy offers to lose another 500 points for issuing another insult. NOW, WHEN PURCHASING GROUPIES, MAKE SURE THAT THE EYES ARE NICE AND BRIGHT, AND THAT THE MEAT INSIDE IS A ROSY PINK. YOU CAN ALWAYS NIP DOWN TO HARROD'S TO OBTAIN THE FINEST. Oops! 500 off Emile too? Sure, why not? JENNIFER LOVED PINK. HER BOW WAS PINK. IT MATCHED HER DRESS. PINK IS JENNIFER'S FAVORITE COLOR. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? * Clive deducts 500 points from EmileJ because he feels like it! * duddy points out that Clive has deducted 500 hairs from his head in the process. LOL! I was going to say something like that!! MY FAVOURITE COLOUR IS WHITE, THE WHITE POWDER I NEEDED BEFORE EACH GIG. I WAS PATHETIC, AND YET I RELIED ON IT TO GET ME THROUGH BIG CONCERTS, PARTICULARLY WHEN PEOPLE WERE VOMITING BEFORE ME AND JENNIFER'S MOTHER WAS WIPING MY NOSE AND TELLING ME NOT TO FROWN SO MUCH. THIS DISH IS WONDERFULLY SOOTHING TO THE STOMACH. IF YOUR FRIENDS TRY THIS AND THEY VOMIT, THEY OBVIOUSLY HAVE STOMACHS OF PORCELAIN, AND YOU SHOULD STOP ACQUAINTANCESHIP WITH THEM. ONE DAY JENNIFER WALKED INTO HER MOTHER'S ROOM AND SAW A BIG BAG OF WHITE POWDER. JENNIFER WAS A VERY CURIOUS CHILD, SO SHE TASTED SOME. JENNIFER LIKED IT SO MUCH, SHE STARTED EATING IT ALL THE TIME. * EmileJ hopes, he HOPES it's icing sugar! * duddy welcomes the world's youngest smackhead! BUT THEN THE WHITE POWDER KNOWN TO SO MANY AS "COCAINE" WAS REALLY A GOVERMENT EXPERIMENT ON PEOPLE'S TELE-KINETIC-PYRO- TRANSDIMENTIONAL-PSYCHO POWERS, OR...SO THEY *THOUGHT*...BUT WHEN SHE ATE IT SHE HAD THE ODDEST SENSE OF "..ANOTHER PRESENCE"... End of game! Phew! * Clive declares Lisa the winner because of all the points deducted from the others... but mainly because she's so gosh darned CUTE!!! :) * duddy still thinks he has a better chance with her than Clive! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------