“A Victim of Circumstance”
Characters
Matt Fuller
Sid Cain
A seedy downtown pub, empty except for the bartender, Fuller. Outside the grimy window, a dim streetlight illuminates the dark night. The clock on the wall reads 5 minutes before midnight. A large, aging, oaken bar occupies center stage.
Fuller stands behind the bar. He is in his late twenties, tall and lanky. He looks tired and detached as he absently polishes a pint glass.
The bar entrance is flung open, and Sid Cain stumbles into the room. He is a short, muscular man, dressed in tattered clothes. His head is shaved bald, and tattoos cover his large forearms. He looks distraught as he finds his way to the barstool.
Fuller: (checks the clock) Can I help you, stranger?
Cain: (slightly short of breath) Whiskey. I need some whiskey.
Fuller: (pours some whiskey into a shot glass) We don’t usually get a whole lot of customers this time of night. What brings you to this part of town?
Cain: (looks over his shoulder) Business.
Fuller: You waiting for someone?
Cain: (suddenly grabs Fuller by the collar, and lowers his voice to a whisper) Can you keep a secret? I need your help.
Fuller: (nervously) Yeah... sure.
Cain: (lets go of Fuller, looks around) I’m on the run from the law.
Fuller: (regains composure) Serious? The police? Feds?
Cain: (finishes the whiskey in one smooth motion) Yeah.
Fuller: I... see...
Cain: (voice raising) Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a bad guy! I didn’t really do anything wrong. I’m just a victim of circumstance, that’s all. Please, you have to help me! Don’t let them find me!
Fuller: Well, what did you do, exactly?
Cain: I did what I had to do to survive! Was that so wrong? Is it a crime to steal a loaf of bread to feed your starving family?!
Fuller: (sympathetically) Is that all you did? You stole some food for your family?
Cain: Well, not literally, of course. I sort of robbed a bank to get some money. But I had to! My girlfriend threatened to break up with me if I didn’t get her that mink coat. And money doesn’t grow on trees you know, unless you’re selling marijuana, of course. Besides, it was the bank’s fault; security there should’ve been a lot tighter.
(Cain grabs the whiskey bottle from Fuller’s hand, and starts drinking from it.)
Fuller: (shocked) You robbed a bank?
Cain: (tipsy) I had to! (sighs) Why do these things always happen to me? Just when I thought the damned law had gotten off my back. (shakes his head) Just another thing for them to add to their record, I suppose.
Fuller: You mean you’re wanted for other crimes, too?
Cain: (finishes the whiskey bottle) Well, I nearly beat this guy to death once. It was in self-defense, though!
Fuller: Well... I suppose if it was for self-defense...
Cain: Exactly! I mean, you could tell by the way that guy was looking at me. You could tell he was planning to pull something. I had to stop him before he got me, you see?
(Fuller stands in shocked silence)
Cain: Oh yeah, and there was that whole fiasco with the hostages on the bus. But those nuns really left me no choice! (drunk; begins singing)
I get no kick from champagne!
Mere alcohol doesn’t thrill me at all...
Fuller: Hostages! No one got killed did they?!
Cain: (thinks) Um... my memory is a bit fuzzy. I was pretty doped up that night. I don’t remember much after the crash. But hey, I made it out okay, so everyone else probably did, too. (spots a bottle of tequila on the bar and grabs it) Tequila! (begins drinking)
Fuller: So you’ve robbed a bank, beat up a guy, held some nuns hostage... (trails off into silence)
Cain: (in a slurred voice) Well, there’s also the time I burned down that school. (sees expression on Fuller’s face) There wasn’t anyone in it, really! It was a weekend. I thought asbestos was fire-proof, isn’t it? That’ll teach ‘em to get it all removed. (chuckles) Heh, teach a school. What is that? Irony?
(Fuller is silent, eyes wide)
Cain: (finishes the rest of the tequila in three gulps) Just a victim of circumstance. But soon, it’ll all work out. Once this deal I’m workin’ on goes through, I’ll run off to a little place in Mexico, and start a new life. (wipes a tear from his eye) Isn’t that wonderful? So you’re going to help hide me, right? (grabs another bottle from the bar) Vodka! (begins drinking)
Fuller: (yelling) Help you hide?!
Cain: (wasted, struggling to keep from collapsing) Oh you will? Thanks, ol’ buddy ol’ pal!
(Fuller picks up the empty whiskey bottle)
Cain: Hey, did you know that if a hobo cons you out of some money, it’s still a crime to kill him? Dang, I wish someone told me that earlier... (starts singing again)
Some get a hit from coc-a-a-a-i-i-i-ne!
(Fuller smashes the whiskey bottle over Cain’s head. Cain collapses onto the floor. Fuller rushes over to the phone, picks up receiver, and dials)
Fuller: (breathless) Hello? Police? Help!!
Back to the Asylum
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