This play takes place in ancient Rome, in Rome, an ancient Roman city in ancient Roman times. The people are ancient Romans. Hey, it's also written in Times New Roman. Quelle coincidence!

Characters
Sparticus
Venus
Lavilla
Bacchus
Virgil
Emperor Gaius
Vestia
Cassio
Father
Mother
Julius
Assorted Townspeople
Auctioneer
Masked Man/Aeneas
 

Act 1
Scene 1
Venus and Lavilla are in Venus' chamber, having their feet washed by their slaves.

Lavilla: Make sure to scrub my corns well, Virgil.
Venus: That's really gross. Sparticus uses a special foot cream we got from Bacchus.
Lavilla: I think you like him. You buy everything he sells.
Venus: He sells good things!
Lavilla: Edible socks?
Venus: They were cherry flavored..
Sparticus: (to Virgil) Guess who I slept with last night!
Virgil: Can you talk to me about it later?
Sparticus: Men! Hehehe.
Virgil: Ugh...(shakes his head in disgust)
Venus: You needn't mind Sparticus, Virgil. He is very open about his conquests.
Lavilla: I make sure my father doesn't buy those kind of slaves.
Venus: He only buys smelly ones with dirty fingernails.
Virgil: I am in the room you know...
Lavilla: Hey, be quiet! You're a slave, you don't know what we're saying.
Sparticus: You can talk to me anytime, Virgil.
Virgil: Excuse me, may I be excused to go lament over being a slave?
Lavilla: Go ahead. My feet look cleansed enough.
Venus: Alright. Sparticus, get our overtunics. We're going to town.
Lavilla: Why?
Sparticus: Are we going to watch sweaty, robust men fight eachother in the Coliseum?
Venus: No, I need to get some shopping done.
Lavilla: Ok, but we are not going to Bacchus' stand.
Venus: I don't see why we can't. Look, there's Virgil with the chariot.

Scene 2
Venus, Lavilla, Virgil, and Sparticus arrive at the nearest Roman shopping center. Venus dismisses Sparticus to go watch burly men fight eachother. Burly is a humorous word.

Lavilla: I don't think you should let your slaves go about like that.
Venus: Ah, he'll come back. I think he has a thing for Virgil.
Lavilla: Aw, Virgil, you're blushing.
Virgil: I wish I could revolt right about now.
Venus: Hahaha. What a humorous notion. Go buy some philo dough.

Venus and Lavilla meander around the ancient Roman shopping center until they are stopped by the Dashing Cassio, a favorite of the ladies.....and Sparticus.

Cassio: Why, hello ladies. What brings you here?
Lavilla: Well, Venus wanted to see Bacchus, but it doesn't look like he's around.
Venus: No I didn't! I just needed some new uh...(looks to the nearest stand) Horace's Halitosis Helper!
Cassio: Oh...ok...(backs away)
Lavilla: Wait! She's not getting it for her, it's for her um, dog.
Cassio: You have a dog?
Venus: Yes his name is...
Lavilla: Bede.
Venus: Yeah, Bede is my dog.
Cassio: I'll have to come by and see him sometime. As soon as his breath problem is cleared up.
Venus: Yeah, well it's pretty bad so it might be a while.

As this conversation is in progress, Virgil returns with a package of frozen philo dough.

Virgil: Here's your philo dough.
Cassio: What is that smell?
Lavilla: Um...must be the sewer.
Venus: That's just Virgil. He's a smelly one.
Cassio: Is he yours?
Venus: No, he's Lavil-
Lavilla: I've never seen him before!
Cassio: Then how'd you guys know his name?
Virgil: (points to his name tag)
Cassio: Oh!
Venus: Yeah, must be one of those vender slaves. Be gone, odiferous beast!
Virgil: Whatever you say...
Cassio: Well I need to be going, I have many dashing and manly things to attend to now.
Venus/Lavilla: BYE!

As Cassio leaves to go powder his nose, Venus and Lavilla fetch Sparticus and return to the chariot, realizing they are missing Virgil.

Venus: I think I'm a better handler of my slaves than you are.
Lavilla: All we have to do is follow our noses and we'll find him.
Sparticus: There is no need for that. He's just standing over there.
Venus: Ok, Virgil get back over here and drive us home.
Virgil: ...
Lavilla: VIRGIL!
Virgil: I'm not talking to you. You yelled at me.
Venus: You don't have to talk to us, just drive us back home.

Scene 3
Virgil reluctantly boards the chariot and they head back to chez Venus. They are all surprised when they spot Bacchus knocking on the door.

Venus: Bacchus! What are you doing here?
Bacchus: Well, I had some things to sell...
Venus: I'll take 3!
Lavilla: (sighs)
Bacchus: Ok. I didn't know you liked Horace's Halitosis Helper so much.
Venus: ANYWAYS, How are you doing?
Bacchus: Good...I guess.
Sparticus: I love your hair.
Bacchus: ....Thanks
Lavilla: Well I think we need to be going inside now..
Venus: Bacchus! We're having a sleepover here tonight. Want to come?
Lavilla: BOYS can't come to sleepovers!
Venus: It's the 1st century Lavilla!
Bacchus: Ok. As long as you're sure you want me to.
Sparticus: Oh, we want you to.

The 3 teens accompanied by the slaves enter the house, only to find that the house is decorated with tacky decorations such confetti in the shape of Emperor Gaius' head and banners that read phrases such as WE ARE BIASED TOWARDS GAIUS!

Venus: What's going on here?
Father: Emperor Gaius is coming over to sup!
(Everyone takes note that sup is a humorous word)
Venus: What about my sleepover?
Mother: You can still have your sleepover. The emperor's daughter Vestia is coming over, we must invite her to stay.
Lavilla: We must?
Father: It is our duty. You remember what happened when we didn't let Emperor Caligula's daughter stay over.
Venus: Poor Fluffius...

Everyone gets ready for the arrival of the Emperor. Sparticus sprays glitter in everyone's hair. Since it is agreed that Virgil is too pungent to be on the premisis, he is sent back to Lavilla's house. Emperor Gaius and his procession of Assorted Townspeople approach the door.

Assorted Townspeople: Make way for Gaius, he likes to eat...pieus.
Father: Welcome to our humble abode!
Gaius: Whassup?
Mother: We have prepared some lovely dishes for you. If I knew you liked pie I would have made one!
Gaius: It is quite alright. I see your family is fond of Horace's Halitosis Helper as well?
Venus: (remembers she forgot to put it away) Oh!
Gaius: Because I think it is a wonderful product.
Father: Yes! I agree completely.
Gaius: This is my daughter, Vestia.
Vestia: I don't converse with commoners.
Gaius: Oh, isn't she lovely.
Bacchus: Yes..she is.
Venus: Grrr!

Everyone sits down at the table, except for Sparticus who does the serving.

Sparticus: Fresh flamingo!
Vestia: This flamingo is rather stiff.
Sparticus: She said hard! Hehehe!
Venus: Um...Sparticus she actually said 'stiff'.
Sparticus: Oh.
(Someone's cell phone rings.)
Gaius: Ah, that must be me. (picks up his phone) Hello? Groteschlaplagen itz bin troschel pfeffiksplatz. Bye.
Everyone: Eh?
Gaius: It was just a Germanic Tribe. They wanted to remind me that they are going to run screaming over my borders next Tuesday.
Everyone: Oh.
Gaius: I probably should have let them leave a message. I usually don't talk during meals.
Venus: (to Lavilla) Do you see the way Bacchus keeps looking at Vestia?
Lavilla: You're paranoid.
Vestia: Bacchus, you look at me in such a way! It pierces my soul!
Venus: See?
Bacchus: I think your pretty.
Vestia: Well, everyone does. I can't blame you for thinking that.
Venus: May I be excused?!

Scene 4
Venus storms off into oblivion. Well, actually just to her room. Her friend Julius happens to be there.

Julius: Hello.
Venus: Why does he have to like her? WHY!!!
Virgil: Bacchus isn't all that great.
Venus: Hey! Why are you in here? And I'm not talking about Bacchus!
Virgil: Am I to assume that you are speaking of Sparticus?
Venus: ...Fine. I am talking about Bacchus. He likes that horrid Vestia.
Julius: Well she is kinda pretty.
Venus: Grr! That's what he said to her! "I think your pretty" is exactly what he said. He even spelled "you're" wrong.
Julius: There are other gladiators in the arena.
Venus: That was a really corny analogy.
Julius: I know.

As Julius tries to comfort Venus, Lavilla enters.

Lavilla: Venus! A boy is in your room!
Venus: Oh, really?
Lavilla: You have to come back now. Gaius is about to sing.
Venus: He's going to sing? Um...why?
Lavilla: He says that he's been practicing and wants to try it out on an audience.
Venus: How is the cute couple doing?
Lavilla: Bacchus and Vestia? They left a couple minutes ago.
Venus: Together?
Lavilla: Yep. In his chariot and all.
Venus: My life is ruined.
Julius: You still have me.
Venus: I don't want you.

After listening to Emperor Gaius' garbled version of "99 Bottles of Mead on the Wall" Venus and Lavilla return to Venus' chamber.

Venus: I am so depressed.
Lavilla: You take life too seriously. This is actually a very funny situation.
Venus: How could this be funny?
Julius: Well, if you take into consideration that the guy you liked is a total IDIOT, it is pretty funny.
Lavilla: AAH! A boy!
Venus: Julius isn't a "boy".
Julius: What?
Venus: OK, he is a boy, but not that kind of boy..
Lavilla: You're confusing me.
Venus: Ok, forget it, Julius is a boy and right now he is undressing us with his eyes and he is about to embrace you with feverish passion.
Julius/Lavilla: WHAT?
Venus: You guys are difficult.

Just then, Virgil enters.

Julius: What is that stench?
Virgil: ...
Lavilla: You guys, I think we've been a little mean to Virgil. There's already a boy here, can't Virgil stay too?
Julius: Can I embrace him with feverish passion?
Venus: Oh, shut up. I guess he can stay. We're safe as long as Sparticus isn't here.
Sparticus: Hi guys.
Virgil: I would rather clean 2,000....um..dirty things than sleep in the same room with him!
Venus: Why don't you clean yourself?
Lavilla: We need to settle this. Virgil, you sleep on this side of the room, and Sparticus, you can stay over there with Julius.
Julius: What did I do to deserve this?
Sparticus: I can't wait to embrace you with feverish passion!
Julius: ...How do you know about that??
Venus: Lavilla, I don't think it's appropriate for us to be sleeping within 2 feet of Virgil.
Lavilla: You're the one who said it was ok to have 3 boys in your room at night.
Venus: Like you never have.
Lavilla: I haven't!
Venus: Oh, I'm sure...
Julius: ALRIGHT I'll sleep with Sparticus.
Venus: Hahaha...I wish I could record that, but those devices aren't invented yet.

It is now morning, and everyone is huddled up in one corner of the room. It looks kinda bad.

Mother: What's going on here?
Venus: Huh? I don't wanna get up...
Father: VENUS!
Venus: (pushes Julius' leg off of her side) What? .....Oh!
Mother: I said, NO ORGIES.
Venus: No...it was a sleepover...
Lavilla: What's going on?? ...AAAH! WHERE'S MY TUNIC?!!!!!
Father: Get all the boys out of here!

Julius, Sparticus, and Virgil are escorted out of the room.

Venus: This is bad.
Mother: Yes it is.
Lavilla: DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE MY TUNIC IS??
Venus: Oh, I forgot..you don't have a tunic..didn't I see Sparticus walk out with an extra one?
Lavilla: Oh...my..Jupiter..
Venus: I think Basil is a good name for the first child.
Lavilla: That is NOT funny.
Father: Girls, I am very disappointed in you. I don't know what to do about this.
Venus: It's not a big deal. We felt bad for Virgil, Julius is always in here, and Sparticus just kinda showed up. We couldn't just tell him to leave.
Mother: That is no reason to have an orgy!
Lavilla: There wasn't an orgy!
Father: CAN WE STOP USING THAT WORD PLEASE?
Venus: Ok, but it wasn't one.

The disappointed parents leave Lavilla and Venus to think about their actions.

Venus: (sighs) Why does this stuff always happen to me?
Lavilla: Well, maybe because you are named after Venus, the goddess of all things suggestive.
Venus: I dunno, you're named after a school of the arts and nothing scholarly or artistic happens to you.
Lavilla: I guess not. I wonder what our punishment is going to be.
Venus: We probably won't be able to go to the fertility festival or something.
Lavilla: But that's so fun!
Venus: I know. Last year I met a guy there..his name was Augustulus...
Lavilla: And he was a jerk?
Venus: Yeah. I've met so many men and it's like they're all the same..my appetite for lovin' is now my hunger pain. And when I'm feelin' sexy, who's gonna comfort me? My only problem is their insecurity.
Lavilla: You just fall in love too easily.

Just then, Julius enters through the window

Julius: So..what happened?
Lavilla: Haven't we learned a lesson here? No boys!
Venus: It's only Julius.
Julius: Oh yeah, here's your tunic.
Lavilla: You took my tunic??!!
Julius: No, Virgil gave it to me.
Lavilla: Virgil?
Venus: I always thought he liked you.
Julius: I don't think it matters who likes who right now. I heard that you two are going to be sold.
Venus/Lavilla: SOLD?
Julius: Yeah, to the highest bidder.
Venus: This play is getting too serious.
Lavilla: I agree.
Julius: We could always have another orgy.
Lavilla: NO! ...well I guess it'd be ok as long as it isn't me who loses their tunic.

Mother and Father enter the room.

Father: It's that boy again!
Mother: It's only Julius.
Father: Oh. Well anyways, we have made up our minds.
Mother: I'm sorry girls, but since your virtues are no longer unquestionable, we have to sell you.
Venus: Is this what always happens?
Father: Not really. But we think it is the right thing to do. Take 'em away, boys.

Sparticus and Virgil grab Venus and Lavilla and drag them out of the room.

Venus: Don't touch me there, Sparticus.
Lavilla: Um..aren't you guys going to be heroic and let us go?
Virgil: After all those comments you made about my supposed 'odor'? I don't think so.
Lavilla: I thought you liked me! (bats her eyelashes)
Virgil: You're cute, but not cute enough.
Venus: Geez Virgil, you're mean!
Virgil: I hope you enjoy being a slave.
Sparticus: Virgil, when you steal someone's tunic it usually means you like her. Or him.
Virgil: (blushes) I didn't!
Sparticus: You wanted to behold her delicate frame, and imagine that it was yours to touch...
Lavilla: SPARTICUS!
Sparticus: Hehe. Sorry.
Virgil: OK, I do like her..she's adorable. And when she laughs my heart fills with joy..and all I want to do is make her happy..
Venus: Then let us go!
Virgil: *sigh* I just can't do it...

Act 2
Scene 1
The lovely Lavilla and Venus are prepared to be sold by grotesque slave traders whom, as Sparticus says, have no sense of fashion. They are dressed in skimpy haremesque outfits and pushed out onto the stage.

Auctioneer: Feast your eyes on these 2 fiesty dew droplets!
Venus: Did he call us 'dew droplets'??
Lavilla: What are we supposed to do?
Venus: Look as unappealing as possible!
Lavilla: That's a change...
Venus: (picks her nose)
Lavilla: Gross!
Venus: That's the point..
Lavilla: Someone might still buy us.
Venus: Hmm...maybe we should look appealing so we won't be hired for labor.
Masked Man: I bid 300£, or whatever kind of money they use in Rome.
Lavilla: It's over now..we've been bid on.
Auctioneer: 300! Anyone else?
Assorted Townsperson: No!
Auctioneer: Ok. Going once, going twice, SOLD! To the man in the purple mask!
Venus: Geez..purple?? Why is it always purple..
Masked Man: Come breed with me.
Venus/Lavilla: What?!
Masked Man: I'm just kidding.
Venus/Lavilla: Oh. Ok.

Scene 2
The mysterious and musky Masked Man...ok he wasn't musky we just said that to make you think he was Virgil but anyway, the MM and our two heroines go on their way to his house. They expect some kind of palace, but are disturbed to find a shabby hut.

Masked Man: Here we are...
Venus: Aren't you supposed to be rich? Since you just bought two girls for questionable purposes?
Masked Man: I'm just kidding. (continues driving)

The Masked Man seems to have a very unappealing sense of humour. With an ou. They keep driving until they reach a decent house. It happens to be Julius'.

Lavilla: Awww...did Julius save us?
Masked Man: No, I did.
Venus: Who are you?
Masked Man: I am a slave of Julius. I've seen you two before when I was sent to go retrieve him from your chamber.
Lavilla: Yeah, he's always in there..
Venus: Did he send you to get us?
Masked Man: No. I managed to get the money once I heard you were being sold. And then I decided to rescue you in return for...
Lavilla: In return for what?
Masked Man: Nothing...
Venus: Good! We don't really have anything to give you.
Lavilla: So what do we do now?
Masked Man: I guess you can stay here, but you might want to tell Julius.
Venus: Yeah...since he stays in my chamber all the time we should be able to stay in his.
Lavilla: What's your name?
Masked Man: Just call me Aeneas.

Scene 3
Venus and Lavilla explain to Julius that they had to escape being sold by going to his house. Aeneas had told them not to tell him he had bought them. Julius agreed to have them, and gave them some decent clothes to wear, and even a room of their own.

Venus: I think Aeneas is pretty cute.
Lavilla: He was masked!
Venus: So?

Sparticus frolicks through the window

Sparticus: Spahticus is here!
Lavilla: Sparticus? Why?
Sparticus: I'm still Venus' personal slave. I have come for moral support. I can do more than make off color comments you know!
Venus: You could have fooled me. Do you think I should pursue Aeneas, Sparticus?
Sparticus: Well, he does have great features.
Venus: You saw him without a mask?
Sparticus: I've seen him without more than that!
Lavilla: ......
Venus: His mask is purple..
Sparticus: Actually, I haven't but I'd like to. So why do you think it was Aeneas and not Julius who saved you?
Lavilla: Virgil could have just let us go..what a jerk.
Venus: Well...it's pretty nice here. Maybe this was what was supposed to happen.

Venus and Lavilla are called down for dinner

Julius: It's just me and you guys tonight. My parents have gone to Milan. I hope you like frozen sea urchins, it's all we had. They're so nice, you just defrost them and pop 'em in the oven..Ah, here they come!
Servant: Here you go, miss...
This servant is very nice looking indeed! It must be Aeneas!
Lavilla: Thanks...
Julius: This is my Greek servant, Aeneas. I'm afraid he's not as animated as your Sparticus or Virgil, all he does is study.
Lavilla: Oh, a scholar!
Aeneas: You flatter me sir..
Julius: I didn't mean to.
Venus: Geez Julius.
Aeneas: (gives Venus a note with her sea urchin)

Venus goes up to her room to read the note while Lavilla stays downstairs to plau Monopolius (an ancient Roman game) with Julius.

Dear Venus,
Meet me at the barn in 5 minutes.
-Aeneas
Venus: What nice penmanship!
Sparticus: If someone wrote like that..I'd think they were..
Venus: What?
Sparticus: Oh, nothing.
Venus: I'd love to stay and chat with you Sparticus but j'ai un rendez-vous!

Venus sprays on a lot more perfume than necessary and galavants out to the barn.

Venus: Is anyone in here?
Aeneas: Yes.. I called you out here because..
Venus: Because?
Aeneas: I need help with this paper I'm writing.
Venus: .....
Aeneas: You see, I've gotten past the introduction but I don't know how to lead into the next paragraph...
Venus: Bye.

Venus storms out of the barn (This is where the modern term 'barnstormer' comes from). She is highly disappointed because even though she seems like a ditz, in her school days the only reason anyone would talk to her was for school problems. Now that she has evolved into the beautiful and lovely goddess like creature that she is, she doesn't have that problem anymore....Anyways, she is sad that Aeneas only wanted her to help him with his paper.

Act 3 (Yes, almost the end)
Scene 1
We have learned that Venus has gone through love interests like I go through possible plot developments. (Obviously it hasn't been going too well) After the Aeneas incident, she had had enough. She left Julius' house in search of a different life. This is where Act 3 begins..
Venus: I am an independent woman. I can do anything.
Sparticus: Girl power!
Cassio: Yo, whattup V?
Venus: Cassio?
Cassio: Yes?
Venus: (embraces Cassio)
Cassio: Hey..is everything alright?
Sparticus: I think we've found the one! Can I embrace him too?
Cassio: I'd rather you not...
Venus: Go ahead.
Sparticus: (embraces Cassio)
Lavilla: What's all this embracing going on?
Venus: Lavilla! (embraces Lavilla)

Everyone was quite amorous that day in Rome. No one is quite sure why. Sparticus, Lavilla, and Cassio ont fait une promenade down the road in a joyous manner. There, they spot someone else..

Cassio: Look, it's that pimply guy!
Venus: Bacchus?
Bacchus: I hate life.
Lavilla: Vestia dumped you didn't she?
Bacchus: Yeah...
Venus/Sparticus/Lavilla/Cassio: HAHAHA!

Too bad for Bacchus. And now, you probably think that we're going spot Virgil. Well, you're right.

Venus: I kinda feel like we're in the wizard of oz..galavanting down this road together..
Sparticus:  I am the tin man! He's so sexy.
Lavilla: Ok...whatever
Cassio: Do you guys smell something?
Lavilla: Could it be....Virgil??!
Virgil: I'm starting to have second thoughts about coming back..
Lavilla: (embraces Virgil)
Venus: Aww...Group embrace!

The group embraces. Venus looks back and sees Bacchus on the side of the road, alone..with no one to care for him except an approaching street vixen. Well, as those conquered peoples in Gaul say, "C'est la vie"...and "Donnez-moi un pizza."

Epilogue
Venus and Cassio became the most fashionable couple in Rome, hitting the clubs and spending quality time together at gladitorial shows. Venus learned that she shouldn't have to go out of her way for love, and that the best people to be with are friends.
Lavilla looked past Virgil's odor and gave him his freedom and her favor. He didn't go too far though, they were recently married after the results of the previous orgy caught up with them.
Sparticus' suspicions about Julius and Aeneas were right, they can be found holding hands at the collosseum and frolicking in the fields.
And as for Sparticus...he wasn't really gay after all. He just thought it would be humorous if he was.