Do you feel like you're a complete and total loser?
Well, you probably are, but Venus the Astrologer can help! You've probably seen commercials for such con-artists as "Miss Cleo", and "Monsieur Caesar". (Well we made Monsieur Caesar up..) But, they're both fake! Venus the Astrologer is the real thing, people. Lets see who is having a life changing experience right now!

Venus: Hello. You're pregnant aren't you?
Gregory: Um...no...I'm a guy.
Venus: I knew it! Your conjuction between aquarius and neptune is dominant. You must be a Saggitarius.
Gregory: But I'm a Cancer..
Venus: That's what YOU think.
Gregory: Um..ok..anyway, I have a question.
Venus: You want to know if your boyfriend is cheatin' on you?
Gregory: I'm a guy..
Venus: I could tell that by the cusp of the 4th house.
Gregory: You're not as helpful as Miss Cleo...
Venus: Ah! That's just like you Saggitari. Always insulting people!
Gregory: Atleast Miss Cleo asked me what my name was..
Venus: I don't need to ask. I already know.
Gregory: What is it then?
Venus: Don't disturb me! The stars are crossing the horizon...
Gregory: I want my money back.
Venus: The stars have told me something profound!
Gregory: What is it?
Venus: That your time is up!
"click"

Wow! Didn't that just blow you away? Don't hesitate to give the all knowing Venus the Astrologer a call. If you call in the next 5 seconds, we'll be sure to send you a free (Plus $85.00 S&H) Venus the Astrologer t-shirt! This is a limited time offer, so call now! As always, the first 2 seconds are ABSOLUTELY free! (plus a royalty charge of $157)
Keep your eyes on the stars and your finger on the dial!

Back

So your car broke down, your girlfriend hates your purple hair, and you can't find your other sock. What does this mean?
Well, unlike most fake n' jiggly operations such as your "psychic friend" and tarot readers, Venus the Astrologer really knows what's going on, and she can help you out. Just like she helped millions of other helpless people find meaning to their life. Let's see what she's doing now.
Venus: Hello there. Welcome to my presence.
Charlie: Uh...is this the Venus the Astrologer hotline?
Venus: This is as hot as it's gonna get.
Charlie: Ok..well...I have this problem.
Venus: Well that's obvious.
Charlie: I kinda need some new shoes, but I can't seem to pick out the right ones on my own.
Venus: Of course you can't. The Moon is in the fifth house and your ruling planet is positioned on the ecliptical angle of the meridian of virgo. Saturn is 7 degrees off of the 9th house and the midheaven is on the horizon.
Charlie: Uh...
Venus: Thank you for calling, and may the ascendant left of the idium colei of the 7th house positioned at 6 degrees north of Leo be with you.
"click"
Amazing. Now Charlie is on his way to self-discovery from one easy phone call. And did we mention that the first 2 seconds are ABSOLUTELY free? Except for the royalty charge of $59.00.
So call in now for a consultation with the master of the stars..and the angle of the ecliptic horizon rising in the house of gemini with a conjuction to pluto.
Your life will be changed! Guaranteed!
The word 'guaranteed' does not mean the result will be positive.