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I got these from www.JokesGalore.com Joke # 1: No Patience... A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line. When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!" "Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With a good tail wind and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time." Joke # 2: This is not punny!...wait...yes it is... Piggy farmers have never done well in the US. Most Americans prefer beef to pork. Hamburger is an American favorite but contains no ham. The porky raisers were hoping to see a big increase in sales after the scares about health over beef, but most of the benefits had gone to the boid and fish industries. Sale of ham and bacon remained virtually unchanged. So, The National Porker Association hired a Madison Avenue ad firm to boost sale of pork. They decided on an intensive campaign to saturate magazines television and radio with ads urging people to eat pork patties. The campaign was given an extra boost when Congress was convinced to designate the second of February as the day when every family would be urged to eat pork sausage. That day would be celebrated nationally, of course, as ... Ground Hog Day. (DOH!) Joke # 1: The Blonde Contractors... A couple blonde guys pretending to be building contractors pull into a lumberyard. One of them walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?" The guy paused for a minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go check." After awhile he returned to the office and said, "A very long time. We're gonna build a house!" Joke # 2: Amazning but true!... well, not true but still amazing... I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my buddy Doug. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the most bizarre dream the night before last. Doug listened intently as I told him that the dream consisted of one thing and one thing only. So I told him that all I had dreamt about was a huge glowing number "5." It made of gold and sparkled with diamonds. Doug's curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the fifth race. Doug raised an eyebrow. So I told him that the #5 horse in the fifth race was named "The Fifth Element." Doug started grinning. Then I told Doug point-by-point what I did that day. - I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five cups of coffee. - I went for a five mile jog to clear my head. - I took a five minute shower. - I dressed in the fifth suit I found in my closet. - I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it up. - I drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth stall in the fifth row. - I entered through the fifth admissions gate. - I bought five programs. - I went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race. - I went and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers making sure there were five people sitting on either side of me. I settled in and waited for the race to start. "Well," said Doug. "Did the horse win?" I smiled at Doug and said, "Of course not - he came in FIFTH!" Joke # 1: Payback for little Johnny... Little Johnny, burst into the house, crying his eyes out. He was blathering so bad, his mother could barely make out the gibberish he was bluting out. His Mama told him to slow down and asked him what the problem was. "Well, Dad and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. It was REALLY HUGE. Then, while reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away!" said Johnny.Well, Johnny," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an stupid accident like that. You should have laughed about it.""That's what I did, Mama.. that's what I did!" Joke # 2: A very smart kid... A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked... "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?" Your daily humor: Gravy Ladle In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the pastor and his housekeeper. One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and he wondered... After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional and that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that. About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner, I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The pastor said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner." The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows, "Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed... you would have found the gravy ladle by now!" TWO NEW ADDITIONS TO THE PERIODIC TABLE OF ELEMENTS Element Name: WOMANIUM Symbol: WO Atomic Weight: (don't even go there) Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well. Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands! Element Name: MANIUM Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180 +/ - 50) Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples. Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol. Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell Joke # 1: When a nut isn't a nut... Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat.While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing."Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something."Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?"The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid!" Joke # 2: The divorce classic... A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces." The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays." The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?!"And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her." Joke # 1: A Hunting We Will DOH! It was Saturday morning as Eric, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Cindy, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Eric asks her: "What are you up to?"Cindy smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!"Eric, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.Later they arrive at the hunting site. Eric sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her:"If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot".Eric walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Cindy couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.Quickly, Eric starts running back. As Eric gets closer to her stand, he hears Cindy screaming:"Get away from my deer!" Confused, Eric races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell:"Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire! Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Eric is surprised to see a cowboy,with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says - "Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!" Joke # 2: Little Johnny and Grandapa Games... Little Johnny's house is packed with relatives for his grandparent's anniversary celebration. Grandpa calls over to Little Johnny and starts asking about school, girlfriends and other stuff he can think ofAfter a while, grandpa notices that Little Johnny is becoming bored with the conversation so he pulls out two bills from his wallet to see if he can keep him interested. A five and a twenty dollar bill.He shows both bills to Little Johnny and tells him that he can keep any one he chooses.Little Johnny reaches over and grabs the five dollar bill.Grandpa, pretty surprised and upset about the unwise decision his grandchild made, pulls outanother five dollar bill to see if it was a mistake. Again, he tells Little Johnny to take one of the bills and keep it. Little Johnny grabs the other five. Grandpa again is surprised and upset. He takes Little Johnny over to oneof the uncles and shows him how dumb Little Johnny is in choosing the five over the twenty.Grandpa goes on and on showing every uncle and cousin and each time Little Johnny chooses the five over the twenty. Grandpa finally shows the stunt to LJ's dad. The Dad's quite surprised but doesn't pay too much attention at the moment.A few hours later, his dad, who is very concerned about Little Johnny's poor decision, walks up to him and asks him if he knows the difference between a five dollar bill and a twenty. "Of course I do," answers Little Johnny. "So why did you always choose the five over the twenty?" asks dad.Little Johnny, with a wide smile answers, "Well dad, if I had chosen the first twenty dollar bill,do you think grandpa would have played the same game fifteen more times?" Joke # 1: Here's an early Mom's day tribute...a classic: One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over,and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come homefrom work and ask me what in the world I did today?""Yes" was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!" Joke # 2: A twist on Deja Vu... Have you ever had that creepy feeling you've been somewhere before that you've never been or think you've met someone that you're meeting for the very first time, or read confusing text like I'm writing here... that's Deja VU! And so here's the JG twist on that TU... deja shoo...what's on your feet. deja flew...how you got there. deja queue...waiting in line. deja two...one plus one. deja blue...feeling sad. deja who...what was your name again? deja stew...it's for dinner. deja goo...slime and grime. deja poo...stupid dog! deja googoo...baby talk. deja pew...ok, who farted? deja brew...beer time. deja zoo...my house in the morning. deja moo...got milk? deja BOO!...Casper talk. deja woohoo...Homer Simpson talk. deja sue...you'll be sorry now! Joke # 1: It's nice being a guy because: We know stuff about tanks.A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase. We can open all our own jars. (except the one's we leave in the fridge for a year.)We can make decisions without a support group. (except driving directions.)We can leave a motel bed unmade.We can kill our own food. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Wedding plans take care of themselves.If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend.Underwear is $10 a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes is more than adequate. We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming. Car mechanics tell us the truth.We can sit quietly and watch TV with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me." Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift.If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends.Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors.We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades. We don't have to shave below the neck.A few belches are expected and tolerated.One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.We can do our nails with a pocketknife or any other sharp object we find. Joke # 2: An Email From GOD... One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So He called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a while. When she returned she told God,yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good. Well, He thought for a moment and thought maybe He'd better send down a second angel to get another point of view. So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and told him "Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% is bad and 5% is good." God said this was not good. So He decided to send e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help them keep going down the right path.Do you know what that e-mail said?Oh, you didn't get one either, huh? Bummer! Joke # 1: Rain or Shine... A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm."This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather for the remaining of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director,"and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugged his shoulders -"No clue," he said. "radio broken." Joke # 2: OUCH!... A minister rushed from church one day to keep his golf date. He's halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE!"and a ball comes flying at him and blasts him square in te back.Soon after, the golfer who had made the errant drive was on the scene to offer his apologies.When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled and added -"Thank goodness!" he exclaimed. "You know, I've been playing this game for forty years, and now I can FINALLY tell my friends that got my first HOLY ONE!" Joke # 1: Granny and Grandpa - still doing it! On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother to comfort her.When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!" Joke # 2: Some Out-Takes From The Hollywood Squares TV Show. Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? A: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q: True or False ... a pea can last as long as up to 5000 years. A: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes. Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A: My sense of decency. Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"? A: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other? A: Tape measures. Q: According to Anne Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of friends? A: It got me out of the army! Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex? A: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him. Q: Do female frogs croak? A: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Joke # 1: Signs Your Presidential Choice May Not Be The Right Choice... Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state, the DC thingie, or the guy that wore the wig?"At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?!?"Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing."His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy." On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE. and finally... repeatedly asks - "Explain one more time what happens if I push this button." Joke # 2: A New Age Twist on some Old Phrases... What boots up must come down. Windows will never cease. Virtual reality is its own reward. Modulation in all things. A user and his leisure time are soon parted. There's no place like http://www.home.com. Home is where you hang your @. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. Great groups from little icons grow. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. C:\ is the root of all directories. Don't put all your hypes in one home page. A chat has nine lives. Don't byte off more than you can view. Fax is stranger than fiction. Know what to expect before you connect. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice. Speed thrills. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to surf the Web and he won't bother you for weeks. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish. The modem is the message. Too many clicks spoil the browse. The geek shall inherit the earth. Joke # 1: The "only" parachute/crashing plane... You are one of two people on an airplane about to go down.There is only one parachute. How do you react? Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions. Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline. Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment. Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings. Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss. Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked. Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases. Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists. English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions. Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could. Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute. Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of. Artist: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it. Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable. Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash. Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine. Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health. Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown that jumping out of a plane is NOT harmful to your health. Joke # 2: The Internet - Bible Style!... And, lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder andlong of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham,her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods, when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load,but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land." And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so." And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung.They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.And, lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drumsthat would only work if you bought Brother William's drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay," he said,"We need a name of a service that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "Whoopee!" said Abraham. "No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com. Joke # 1: The Yeti... An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas. Led by a grizzled local guide,they ascended one of the less frequently climbed peaks. Roughly halfway up the side of the mountain,a member of the expedition came across a set of large manlike tracks in the snow."Yeti tracks," the sherpa said with a gruff voice as he passed them."One thing you must know before we proceed; DO NOT, under any circumstances, touch the yeti!" The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the slope. Night fell, and the explorers set up their tents. In the dead of night, the Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent entrance unzipping. Half-asleep, he looked up to see an enormous eight-foot yeti standing above him. In fear for his life the explorer jumped up and ran out of the tent, banging into the yeti in the process. The yeti, after being touched by the explorer let out a deafening howl and began to chase the explorer down the slope. The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could take him, after he rounded a corner he looked behind him to see the bounding form of the yeti still chasing him. So the explorer continued to run, reaching the bottom of the mountain in just two days, exhausted he paused to rest awhile. After just a few moments, the explorer began to hear the soft 'thud thud thud' of yeti feet on snow, he looked up the slope to see the yeti still chasing him and only moments away. The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of miles away, once there quickly buying a mountain bike and pedaling his way to the nearest town, some fifty miles away. The journey took him several days over the rough terrain and after his arrival he booked into a hotel to recuperate. Two days later the man left his hotel to see about booking transport back to England. As soon as he turned around though he saw the form of the yeti on the horizon, bounding towards him at great speed. Horrified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly bought a car and drove it away from the village all the way to Delhi. Once he arrived, the man wasted no time in getting on the next plane to London. After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London home for a while to recover and to plan his next expedition. He had been there less than two weeks and was gazing out of a window when he saw a familiar large bounding, manlike creature running down his street; the man couldn't believe it -- somehow the yeti had followed him to England! The man had little choice but to run away again, he used any means he could, bike, car, or on foot to try to escape the yeti, but each time he looked behind him, it was just moments before the yeti came into view. Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from there ran into the open Scottish countryside. He continued to run but the yeti just kept getting closer and closer, and in the end the man could run no more. With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally stopped and turned around to face the oncoming creature. With the last of his strength he stood up straight as the yeti caught up with him. The eight-foot tall yeti towered above the man, who could only stare in terror. The yeti extended his hand and poked the Englishman squarely in the chest with one long finger and in a low rumbling voice the yeti said - "TAG! - You're it!" Joke # 2: Two friends and a dog... Two friends, one an optimist and the other a pessimist, could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his friend out of his continual pessimistic thinking. The optimist owned a huntin' dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat. They got out into the middle of the lake, and the optimist brought down a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat. The optimist looked at his pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think about that?" The pessimist replied, "So, your dumb dog can't swim, can he?!" Joke # 1: To catch a thief... A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the light on in the garden shed, she could see it from the bedroom window. But he said that he hadn't been in the shed that day. He looked himself, and there were people in the shed, stealing things. He rang the police, but they told him that no-one was in his area, so no-one was available to catch the thieves. He said, "OK," hung up, counted to 30 and rang the police again. "Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed? Well, you don't have to worry about them now, I've just shot them all!" Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to the man: "I thought you said you'd shot them!" He replied: "I thought YOU said there was no-one available!" Joke # 2: Taking Mom for her word... A woman was teaching her kindergarten class when shenoticed a little boy at the back of the class squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had justrecently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. She told him to go down to the principal's office, phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did, and returned to class. Suddenly, there was a hugecommotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his privates hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!!!" the teacher shouted. "I did," he said, "Mom told me if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up!" Your daily humor: There were these two builders called Pat & Mick who were working on a building site. One day, during their lunchbreak, Pat notices something in Micks lunchbox: "What's that long silver thing in your box Mick"? "Oh, that, its my Thermos Flask" replies Pat "What' s a Thermos Flask"? enquires Mick "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold" Pat informs Mick "That's a marvelous idea"! says Mick "You know what, I'm gonna get me one of those" The next day Pat spots Micks shiny new Thermos flask and says to Mick "I see you got one then" "Oh Yeah," says Mick "What have you got in it then"? asks Pat "Well I've got Coffee and Ice Cream!" Your daily humor: A budding actor: "Dad guess what? I've got my first part in a , I play the part of a man who has been maried for 25 years." Father: "That's a good start son, just keep at it and one of these days you'll get a speaking part." Your daily humor: An old guy goes to the doctor and gets some tests done. The doctor comes back from checking the results and says, "I have some bad news. You have cancer and you have Alzheimer's." The old man replies "Oh thank god I don't have cancer!" Your daily humor: A DETECTIVE STORY - SO PAY CLOSE ATTENTION: Three elderly ladies are excited about their first Yankees Baseball game. They smuggled a bottle of Jack Daniels into the game. The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves drinking Jack Daniels mixed with soft drinks. Soon they realize that the bottle of Jack Daniels is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go. Using the clues given, what inning is the game in and what is the status of the game? Think!Think some more!You're gonna love it ........ And the Answer is: Your daily humor: Things to ponder: Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all? Why do they lock gas/petrol station bathrooms, are they afraid someone's going to clean themIsn't it a little unnerving to think that what they call what doctors do,practice? Your daily humor: A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. "May I see your driver's license and registration please." "What's the problem, officer?" "You just ran that stop sign back there." "Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me." "Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution." "You gotta be kidding me!" "It's no joke, sir." "Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty "That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license." "You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?" "Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately." "I will, if you can show me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop." The policeman had enough. "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. "Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?" Your daily humor: Two men are standing before a judge. Both men were arrested on the same day and given the assignment to devise a program to prevent others from committing crimes. After spending two days in jail they were ask to present their ideas to the judge.The first man holds up a poster displaying two circles,one smaller than the other. He points to the small circle and says, "This is the amount of citizens who do not commit crimes. Then, pointing to the larger circle he explains "This is the amount that do. I will tell people if they commit crimes they will have to endure an overcrowded jail." The second man grabs the poster and pointing to the smaller circle says, "I'll tell men this is your butt before jail." Then he points to the large circle saying. "This is it after." Your daily humor: A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes (naturally) -that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Joke # 1: For the ladies - courtesy of Jenny from Ohio... thanks Jenny! Midlife for a woman begins when... You go to the doctor and you realize you're now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. You no longer have upper arms, you now have wingspans... You are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, you are now flying squirrels in drag. You stand naked in front of a mirror mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film. You're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department. You bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. Life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones. It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" ... jiggly, yes - jiggy, no. Your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally... (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Tennessee). You want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube to and scream... "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!" You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think... "For this I have stretch marks?!" Your memory really starts to go and the only thing you still retain is water. You become more reflective. You start pondering the "big" questions-- what is life, why am I here... how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice? Joke # 2: Growing Old = Growing Wiser? Sometimes not! The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him. "Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do to get better Doc?" The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in with a straight face - "You can start by paying me in advance." > Joke # 1: A last request granted... The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning.Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold."No," the inmate said, "just get it over with!" "Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with NO interruptions."The warden agrees and nodded and told him to go ahead.The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..." Gotta have that horse! A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse. The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good," and walked away. The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse. The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good." On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer. The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home. The rich man's daughter loved her present. She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree. The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good!" Signs of the times... some very catchy slogans business owners have come up with... Plumber: "We repair what your husband Fixed." Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one Weak." Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?" Sign at the psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you." At A Laundry Shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?" At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." On an Electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts." On Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push." On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." On a Butchers window: "Let me meat your needs." On a fence: "Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive." On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left." In a Veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!" On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte." In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up." In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait." Joke # 1: Some Quotes from famous MOMS!... PAUL REVERE'S MOM:"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!" MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOM: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?" MONA LISA'S MOM: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?" HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOM: "Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall.But would you listen to me? Noooo!" COLUMBUS' MOM:"I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!" BABE RUTH'S MOM:"Babe, how many times have I told you--quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!" MICHELANGELO'S MOM: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?" NAPOLEON'S MOM:"All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!" CUSTER'S MOM: "Now, George, remember what I told you--don't go biting off more than you can chew!" ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOM: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?" BARNEY'S MOM: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple." MARY'S MOM: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you." BATMAN'S MOM:"It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?" GOLDILOCKS' MOM: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?" LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOM:"Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room,there'll be a lot more spiders around here!" ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOM:"But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair?Styling gel, mousse, something...?" GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOM: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!" JONAH'S MOM: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days." SUPERMAN'S MOM: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?" THOMAS EDISON'S MOM: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!" Joke # 2: Some actual tech support conversations... Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button." Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse." Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?" Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?" Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?" Tech Support: "Years of training..." Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message." Tech Support: "Did you install the update?" Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?" Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?" Customer: "A white one." Customer: "I can't log in to my account." Tech Support: "Ok, let's look at your configuration." Customer: "Ok... but I know that my User ID is case sensitive." Tech Support: "Yes it is. Ok, what does it say in the 'User ID' field?" Customer: "'Case Sensitive'." Today's Joke: A Tribute to Mom... learning the alphabet Mom-style. Happy Mother's Day to all Moms of the world! A - Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. B - BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning. C - COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. D - DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting. E - EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING." F - FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew. G - GUM: Adhesive for the hair. H - HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers. I - INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. J - JUNK: Dad's stuff. K - KISS: Mom's medicine. L - LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons,and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and next a profit of 15 cents. M - MAYBE: No. N - Nail Polish: part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp." O - OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad. P - PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops. Q - QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college. R - REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen. S - SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma. T - TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS". U - UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident. V - VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too. W - WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room. X - XOXOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying. Y - "YIPPEE!": What mother's shout the first day of school. Z - ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it. Today's Joke: Some short wit...great for signature lines. Get more like these at: http://www.siglets.com/ World's shortest blues song: "I didn't wake up this morning..." It's no use having a good memory unless you have something good to remember. My mind contains many good ideas, but it is not always easy to squeeze one out. There is a guaranteed way to get what you want: want less. "I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." Did you hear about the self help group for compulsive talkers? It's called On & On Anon. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. First National Bank of Dad. Sorry, Closed! If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him the checkbook. Waiter: Would you like your coffee black? Customer: What other colors do you have? Your daily humor: > WARNING - KNEESLAPPER - WARNING > A Polar Bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a Gin > and................................ tonic, please" > The Barkeep says, "Why the big pause?" > The polar bear replies, "I don't know. My Dad had 'em, too." > Your daily humor: A man phones a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?" The lawyer replies, "A thousand dollars.""A thousand dollars!" exclaims the man. "That's very expensive,isn't it?" "It certainly is," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?" A Blond walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc every time I touch myself it hurts." The Doctor says, "where does it hurt?" The Blond touches different parts of her body and says,"it hurts here and here." The Doctor soon diagnoses the problem.. "I see your problem,.... you've cut your finger!" :14 Your daily humor: "I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people." - Ed Bluestone "Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron." - George Carlin "You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." - Ellen DeGeneris "Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents." - Billiam Coronel "I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." - Dave Edison "Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window." - Steve Bluestone "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." - Rita Rudner |
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