The Real Truth 5000 - By Eric Filipkowski
Re-write 12/04/02
Int. Big
tobacco office -DAY
A RICH OLD WHITE GUY
(ROWG) sits behind a large desk. Behind
him is a sign that reads "Big Tobacco Company". He looks up and addresses the camera.
Rowg
Oh, hello
there. I wanted to talk to you today
about those annoying truth.com ads that claim to tell you 'the real story'
about all the harmful side affects of cigarettes. Sure, smoking causes cancer, we don't deny that, but what those
ads so conveniently leave out is that smoking also makes you cool. Very cool.
But don't just take my word for it, enjoy these short skits about the
benefits of looking cool and smoking, as performed by our own Big Tobacco
Players.
Cut to:
Ext. Roof
of high school -DAY
A high school student,
THE LONER, in a black trench coat walks to the edge of the roof of his
school. The sounds of kids congregating
on the lawn below can be heard. He
starts pulling guns out of a large duffle bag.
Out of nowhere, a man in a Superman-like costume with a cigarette logo
approaches him. He is TOBACCO MAN.
Tobacco
man
Say there,
unpopular loner, you seem troubled, penny for your thoughts?
Loner
My problem
is I'm uncool, mysterious stranger. The
girls don't dig me and the fellas think I'm a square.
The Loner closes the bolt
on his high-powered rifle and takes aim at the students below.
ToBACCO
MAN
Say, have
you tried taking up smoking to improve your image?
LONER
Smoking? But isn't that just for people who are cool?
TOBACCO
MAN
(winks)
Exactly!
The Loner, pauses, then
smiles. They both start laughing as the
Loner drops his bag of guns and lights up a cigarette with Tobacco Man.
Cut to:
Int.
Junior high school locker room -dAY
A scrawny GEEK gets
dressed after gym class, some Junior High TOUGHS approach him, menacing smirks
on their faces, looking for trouble.
Tough #1
Well,
well, well, what have we here? If it
isn't the smartest, and therefore least cool student in school!
Geek
Greetings,
high school toughs, what is shaking?
Tough #2
Zip it,
nerd. We're gonna pound the hell out of
you until you're as slow and witless as we are!
Geek
Surely you
guys would grant a condemned man one final favor?
Toughs
(confused,
together)
Huh?
The Geek pulls a pack of
cigarettes out of his bag. The toughs
all take a step back in awe.
Tough #1
He's...
he's smoking!
Toughs
(all
together)
Wow!
The Geek lights up and
puffs away.
Tough #2
We're
sorry, sir. We were just kidding
around, we didn't mean to bother you.
We'll be going now, sir.
The toughs start to inch
away meekly.
Geek
Not so
fast, there's that little matter of your lunch money.
The toughs empty their
wallets and give a pile of bills to the geek.
GEEK
(conT'D)
Now beat
it! I don't want you stealing any of my
secondhand smoke.
The toughs scurry away as
fast as they can.
Cut to:
Int.
missy's bedroom
MISSY, an overweight
wallflower, sits on her bed crying. Her
big sister, SISSY, a stunning blonde, enters the room. She sees her sister crying and goes over to
the bed and puts her arm around her.
Sissy
What's
wrong, Missy?
Missy
(sniffle)
Nothing,
Sissy.
SISSY
C'mon now,
Missy. I'm your big sister, Sissy, you
can tell me anything.
MISSY
Well
Sissy, it's just that I can't get boys to like me. I'm fat and unpopular and know little in the ways of pleasing a
man. At this rate, I'll never land a
husband and feel fulfilled in life!
Missy starts sobbing,
Sissy takes her head in her arms.
SisSY
There,
there, Missy. I think I know of
something that can help.
Sissy puts something in
Missy's hand, Missy opens her hand to reveal a pack of cigarettes.
MISSY
Cigarettes? Sissy, I don't know... doesn't smoking seem
a little glamorous and mature for a Plain Jane like myself.
SISSY
Well
Missy, if you start puffing away, you won't be a Plain Jane for long! And smoking never hurts when you have a
weight problem, either.
Sissy pokes Missy in the
stomach.
Sissy
(conT'D)
They don't
call them 'Slims' for nothing!
Missy brightens up as she
takes a cigarette out.
MISSY
Sissy,
you're the best, I love you!
SISSY
I love you
too, Missy. Now smoke up, put on
something slutty and before you know it, you'll be full of babies!
They hug.
Cut to:
Int. Big
TOBACCO OFFICE -moments later
The Rich Old White Guy is
now sitting on the front of his desk, addressing the camera in a casual manner,
holding a cigarette.
Rowg
So when it
comes down to it, we here at theREALtruth.com just want to give you both sides
of the story, so you can make an informed decision. We're not the bad guys here.
We're not the ones telling you to sacrifice coolness and popularity for
the sake of clean lungs: something inside you that you can't even see! Show me one person who ever became cool by
being healthy and I'll buy you an iron lung.
Really kids, if you smoke, most likely you probably will definitely get
cancer, but that won't be for years.
And everyone knows being old is no fun anyway. Why not enjoy life while you can? So by all means, enjoy that rich tobacco flavor, not to mention
the admiration of your peers, and smoke up!
Fade out.