Stavros! – By Eric Filipkowski

 

int. donovan’s house – night

 

A nicely-appointed living room is host to numerous and varied upscale types attending a cocktail party.

 

A man, ERIC, approaches a young woman named MAGGIE.  She is clearly distracted by something else.

 

eric

I say, I do find these soirees ever so tiresome, don’t you? 

 

maggie

What?  Oh yes, a lesbian, I’m sure of it.

 

eric

Pardon?

 

maggie

If you would excuse me...

 

She shoves her drink into Eric’s hand without giving him so much as a sideways glance. 

 

Eric, devastated, watches in horror as Maggie walks purposefully towards a man in a full European-style clown suit at the other end of the room.

 

CUT TO:

 

opposite side of party

 

Maggie clutches at the clown’s arm and whispers hurriedly in his ear. 

 

stavros

Really, this is getting silly, enough with the adverbs already.

 

maggie

That’s not important now, did you bring the cotton candy?

 

stavros

But of course.  And I may assume you have the money?

 

Maggie leads Stavros the European-style clown out onto a patio, away from the party.  In one continuous motion, she draws a pistol from her handbag, thrusts it into his abdomen and shoots him twice, his body assisting the silencer in deadening the sound. 

 

As Stavros slumps to the ground, he looks up at the night sky mournfully.

 

stavros

(whispered)

Is this the end of Stavros?

 

Maggie bends down over the body of the clown and pulls some cotton candy from his oversize pants.  She stands up and turns to walk away and is startled that Eric has stealthily appeared before her.

 

stavros

(gasping)

Enough with the... fucking... adverbs.

 

eric

Did I startle you?

 

Maggie tries to collect herself.  Eric puts his hand on hers, the one holding the pistol.

 

eric (cont.)

That won’t be necessary.  I hate clowns and I hate eurotrash.  Can we go somewhere and talk?

 

maggie

I’ve left the keys to my go kart inside, I’m afraid I was planning on sleeping over and I’ve become slightly intoxicated...

 

eric

No need to explain, my moped is parked out back, you can ride in the sidecar.

 

Maggie is flustered.  The alcohol and the murdering have gone to her head. 

 

maggie

I don’t know, this is all happening so fast. 

 

eric

I just want to talk, I swear.

 

Eric has noticed the cotton candy in Maggie’s other hand.  She looks down at it, realizing she is still holding it.  She musters a laugh and throws it over the balcony.

 

maggie

I hate clowns too.

 

Eric takes Maggie’s hand, pulls her close and looks deep into her eyes.  As he draws closer, he feels her tense up, inhale sharply and close her eyes.  At the last moment, he chickens out and pulls away while she stands there expectantly.

 

eric

I could go for some chicken, let’s hit KFC!

 

maggie

What is it?  What’s wrong?  Is it my breath?

 

eric

No, no, not at all.  Well, yeah, sorta.

 

Eric walks away, rubbing his hands together in anticipation of some serious chicken-eating.  He is almost to his moped before he realizes Maggie isn’t following him.

 

eric (cont.)

What’s wrong, you don’t like chicken?

 

maggie

I don’t like assholes.

 

eric

That’s ok, they don’t even have Chicken McNuggets there.

 

Maggie starts to walk away, stepping over Stavros’ lifeless body.

 

maggie

Hasta la vista, chicken boy.

 

Eric rolls his eyes at Maggie’s outdated catchphrase, but decides that she has a really nice ass and deserves a second chance, so he runs after her.

 

eric

Maggie, wait, I’m sorry.  Your breath is fine, I just have trouble with girls.  Girls with guns.  Don’t get me wrong, you did the right thing, I can’t fault your politics, but you have to understand you’re a little intimidating.

 

At this point Eric realizes Maggie has transformed into a bright yellow suitcase.  He’s not sure, but the suitcase looks mad.

 

maggie

I turned to you in a time of vulnerability, I thought I could trust you, but you’re just like the rest of them.

 

Eric pauses.

 

eric

Um, suitcase, I’m sorry...

 

maggie

My name is Maggie.

 

eric

Maggie, I’m sorry.  Let me just strap you onto my moped’s luggage rack and we can go somewhere quiet and talk... look, I realize I don’t know you too well, but you’re really a fascinating person and I’d like to spend some time with you.

 

maggie

Can we play ping pong?

 

eric

Um yeah, sure, whatever.

 

maggie

Will there be soda and nachos?

 

eric

You know what, it’s actually getting pretty late, I should probably just get some sleep.

 

maggie

Wait!  Don’t go, I’m sorry.  I have something for you.

 

The Suitcase Maggie flips open to reveal a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

 

eric

Wow!  You’re the best!

 

Eric reaches into the suitcase to grab the chicken, but it’s a trap.  Instead, he is sucked into the suitcase and devoured.

 

stavros

Hey, what about the nachos?

 

maggie

What about them, clownie?

 

stavros

Well first you wanted cotton candy, and then you were going to go with Eric to get chicken, but then all of a sudden, you wanted nachos and soda.  And ping pong!  That doesn’t make any sense?

 

uncle pete

Yeah, you’re right!

 

maggie

Look, there’s a perfectly valid explanation for all of this.

 

Eric’s muffled voice is heard from the inside of the suitcase.  Apparently he is eating the chicken.

 

eric

(muffled, mouth full)

Armph hurumph harumph barump baroo!

 

maggie

Don’t go there, girlfriend!

 

 

FIN.