Roger Ebert Is A Big Fat Idiot – By Angus Beechnut

My apologies to Rush Limbaugh for paraphrasing the title of his smash autobiography, but once you’ve read my argument, I’m sure you’ll agree it’s an appropriate re-jiggering.  My beef is this: As anyone who has seen the 1996 motion picture entitled “Dear God” knows, it is a gosh darn masterpiece!  Yet, Mr. Ebert would claim to contradict this established fact by giving the movie a solid “thumbs down” in his review!  I know you’re probably shaking with rage right now, as any good movie-lover would be (believe me, I know the feeling), but friends, now is the time for cool heads.  Let us examine the situation using tried and true scientific methodology.  To wit; “Dear God” is a hilarious farce directed by Garry Marshall, the genius behind such hits as “Exit to Eden” and “Young Doctors in Love” as well as beloved TV classics like “Me and the Chimp”.  Add to this mix a talented young English actor like Greg Kinnear and a comic legend like Tim Conway and you have a recipe for hilarity!  I’ll be honest, I’ve never actually seen this movie, but with this lineup, how could they go wrong?  The answer?  They can’t.  And they didn’t.  Mr. Big Shot Hollywood Nays Ayer, Roger Ebert just has a problem accepting that a movie can be funny and sweet without lots of gratuitous violence and nudity.  Sounds far-fetched?  Well let’s take a look at a movie that got a thumbs up from Mr. Negativity, shall we?  I randomly selected one from his website and came up with “The Godfather”.  Oh yes, I’ve seen this one – IN HISTORY CLASS!  Wake up, grandpa, it’s the year 2002, we don’t want to hear about movies from the 80’s!  I say, quit living in the past.  Mr. Ebert should limit his reviews to movies that don’t require a man in the theater to play piano along with the film.  The director, a Ms. Francis Coppola, should take a lesson from George Lucas and think about going back and sprucing up this flick with some nifty digital effects, because it looks pretty dated.  The worst part is, this movie isn’t even funny!  I understand that for every gem like “Bio Dome” you have to suffer through ten “Shawshank Redemptions”, but I barely cracked a smile throughout the whole thing.  When those mischievous gangsters played that practical joke with the horse head, I found myself chuckling a little, but that was it.  What was up with them killing off the funniest character in like the first 20 minutes!  If anyone was gonna save this stinker, it was Luca Brasi.  With his raspy voice and comic shuffle, he was an untapped comedic goldmine, but then he gets knocked off just so they can make that cheap punchline about him and the fishes.  A man sleeping with fishes?  I don’t think so.  Hey Roger, what’s he gonna BREATHE?  So as I’ve carefully laid out following the rules of logic, Roger Ebert is wrong.  “Dear God” is a great movie and I suggest he tender his resignation from the world of movie reviewing before more serious criminal accusations are made against him.  And this should be a lesson to any other reviewers, lest they contemplate giving Dorf the thumbs down!