Second Trimester My Ass! – By Cole Peterly

I recently got into a discussion with this guy at Burger King over what is apparently a very touchy subject with you people: abortion.  What’s the big deal?  And how come one side is called ‘anti-abortion’ but the other side is ‘pro-choice’?  Shouldn’t there logically be a ‘pro-abortion’ side?  This was my point, but that dude was like, “No way, man, nobody is for abortions.”  Fuck that, some people are for abortions: me!  Big time!  That’s why I’m starting a pro-abortion advocacy group.  I love those things.  If it wasn’t for abortions I’d have like six or seven kids.  I’ll be honest with you here, I fucking hate condoms.  Now, don’t go jumping down my throat or anything, because I’ve had broads tell me I’m wrong and I don’t understand that there’s a high price to pay when a woman gets an abortion, but to me, the 200 bucks is well worth it.  The first thing I’m going to bring up with my group is this ‘no abortions after the second trimester’ bullshit.  What’s up with that?  Second trimester?  That’s like six months or something.  I think I should be allowed to ‘abort’ anything under the age of 8 years old.  Think about it, it makes sense.  If you put aside all your sentimentality about the joys of children and all that, you’ll see that abortion can be a practical tool to be used in natural selection.  In essence, we’re giving Mother Nature a little hand.  For example, say little Billy is in second grade and it’s become pretty clear this kid ain’t going nowhere.  He’s flunking his classes, he still shits his pants and everyone, including you, can’t stand him.  If we were back swinging from trees in nature and shit, the alpha male would have snapped this fucker’s neck the first time little Billy threw feces at him, but alas, we ‘civilized’ people have a ‘society’ where these monsters are given free reign.  But instead of burdening the world with this loser for the next 70 years, I say do the right thing and put him (and us) out of his (our) misery.  With the current laws, making an informed decision is nearly impossible because a kid doesn’t really show his true colors until he’s five or six.  Second Trimester?  He’s inside the lady’s fucking stomach, how the hell are you supposed to know if the kid is a douche or not?  Look, I’m not saying I want a kid either way, I’m just saying, if I do, I want to know there’s some sort of warranty program that’s going to ‘fix’ him if he doesn’t work out.  That’s the least I’d expect from any high-end TV or appliance, and aren’t our children at least that important?  Maybe not, but if they knew their parents had the abortion doctor on speed dial, they’d be much less inclined to act up and call their grandmother a bitch, that’s for sure.