ext. behind 7-11 – day
A dirty, disheveled BUM lies passed out against the wall of a convenience store. He has the cardboard box home, shopping cart and pee jar most homeless people have. Three kids, BILLY, BOBBY and KIRK, all about ten years old, approach the sleeping man with a container of gasoline and some matches. Billy and Bobby start to douse the bum with gasoline while Kirk looks on, holding the matches.
billy
This will send a message to all the freeloaders who would wish to sully our great township!
bobby
It is our most triumphant hour, dear friends!
As they pour the gasoline on him, the bum awakens, startling the kids, he gets up and they run away. Billy and Bobby get away, but the bum manages to grab Kirk before he can run.
kirk
Let go of me, you filthy vagabond! Help, police!
bum
Shut up, you little punk! I bet you think you’re pretty clever, huh? Look kid, you don’t think when I was your age, I lit my share of bums on fire?
kirk
(surprised and skeptical)
Yeah right! Like you could afford to buy a tank of gas!
bum
No, it’s true. In fact, I was a lot like you: a rich, spoiled punk who had the world in his hands, but believe me, you could end up just like me.
kirk
(scared)
Shut up, that will never happen! Mommy and Daddy love me! We’re rich! We have a three car garage and a modern kitchen with chrome-plated appliances!
bum
So did I!
(beat)
Listen kid, I’m not gonna hurt you, I just want to help you so you don’t end up living in a box and toting your pee around in an old pickle jar.
CUT TO FLASHBACK
FLASHBACK – THE BUM REMINISCES
BUM (V.O)
I Had it all. The loving parents. The life of luxurious leisure. 24 hour access to the finest hookers money could buy. But one day it just wasn’t enough, you know why? Because I hadn’t earned it. So I set off into the world looking to make my own way, scared and alone with nothing but $30,000, my father’s 1997 BMW 740i and a 3 bedroom apartment to my name.
MONTAGE – SCENES FROM BUM’S EARLY LIFE (Plays during V.O.)
-- Pampered fancy lad is tucked into his girlie canopy bed by two doting parents
-- Several young preppies wearing sweater vests sit around a table at an outdoor café, pointing and laughing at poor and/or ugly people
-- Bum in his late teens bent over a dominatrix’s knee while she spanks him
-- Young man graduates from college, wearing cap and gown, holding his diploma in his hand, surrounded by his family
EXT. BALCONY OF HIGH RISE LUXURY APARTMENT – DAY
Two rich kids sit on chaise lounges, sipping cocktails in the sun. One of them is the kid from the montage.
bum
Todd, what ever will I do? The novelty of this barebones, bohemian lifestyle is beginning to wear thin. It’s been two weeks already and I’ve yet to make my fortune. I swear I’m ready to pack my bags and head home. I’m sure daddy has a silver mine or something I could run.
Some little kids can be heard yelling and playing down on the street, the Bum looks annoyed, pulls out a pellet gun and shoots it over the railing of his balcony, we hear a little kid yelp and start crying.
todd
Good show, old sport. Ah, if only there was some way we could make a living doling out harsh punishment to these little brats.
bum
(flash of inspiration)
That’s it, you’re a genius, old man! Think about it, every mindless idiot out there with a hyperactive retard is in total denial that their kid is a lost cause, right? They say, “Oh little Johnny is a genius” even though he’s failing out of school and he needs help tying his own shoes. Now how do they reconcile this?
todd
Alcohol?
bum
No! Well, yes, but something else too: ADD. Attention deficit disorder. Think about it. The reason little Johnny isn’t acing his subjects is because he has ADD! So let him take six hours to take a math quiz, pump him full of drugs and say he’s being creative when he wets the bed.
todd
Ok, so how do we cash in?
bum
Well of course little Johnny doesn’t have ADD, if it even exists, but that doesn’t mean his parents won’t shell out the big bucks to help him do better in school. So we start a school of our own, better yet, a summer camp! We could teach the kids better ways to study, give them tips and mental exercises to help them focus.
todd
But what would we call it?
bum
(contemplative)
Yes, it needs the perfect name... something short and sweet, that tells people exactly what it is and what it will offer...
CUT TO
EXT. SUMMER CAMP - SEVERAL MONTHS LATER
Todd and Bum sit on stoop outside of closed-down summer camp. They both look despondent.
todd
I don’t get it, we thought of everything, even the perfect name!
Camera pans up to show a large banner over door of building that says in bold letters “Concentration Camp”.
A courier walks up to Bum and asks him to sign for a letter, he does, opens it and reads it.
bum
Oh my god! Father has lost his business and suffered a heart attack! Mother is forced to walk the streets to earn money for food!
Todd gets up and starts walking away now that his former friend is poor.
todd
(over his shoulder)
Well, good luck with all that.
BACK TO PRESENT DAY
Kirk is clearly not impressed with the bum’s story.
kirk
Wait a minute, that part at the end was just tacked on to explain why you would be a bum, since your stupid failed business wouldn’t even matter if your parents still had money. That’s a stupid story!
bum
(beat)
The point is, misfortune can strike at any moment, so stay in school and eat your vegetables.
kirk
You’re an idiot! I hate you! I should have you arrested!
Just then, a POLICEMAN on patrol walks back to where they are, he swings a nightstick, has a giant moustache and an Irish accent like the cops in old tyme movies.
policeman
What’s going on here? Is this man bothering you, sonny?
kirk
He tried to touch my penis!
bum
What??? No I didn’t! Officer, I was just trying to help the little brat, give him some advice.
policeman
Sure ya were, ya sickie.
The cop advances on the bum to give him a savage beating, camera pans to CU on Kirk watching with delight as sounds of the horrible beating intensify. Large quantities of blood splash onto Kirk’s face.