Asshole Boyfriends Litigate Against Pro-Nerd Movie - by Eric Filipkowski

 

LOS ANGELES, CA - The American Society of Asshole Boyfriends held a press conference at a Hooters Restaurant in Pasadena to announce that they were filing a class-action lawsuit against Columbia Pictures.

 

The charges, filed yesterday in Los Angeles District Court, allege that the movie 'Spiderman' perpetuates stereotypes that are both untrue and harmful to asshole boyfriends.  "Look, we're all for free speech," said Steve Greenway, president of ASAB and one of the litigants named in the suit, "but how long are we supposed to sit idly by and watch hot chicks come to their senses and pass us over for nerdy sensitive types in these movies?"  Greenway goes on to assert that Hollywood has a long track record of making strongly anti-asshole movies and that they had not ruled out expanding the suit to include other studios on a case-by-case basis.

 

Speaking on behalf of Columbia Pictures, Senior Executive Shelby Bitterman replied that the charges were baseless and a dangerous attempt to infringe on artistic license.  "Hey, everyone knows that in real life a woman is always going to choose the cool guy with the fast car over the shy, quiet guy with the heart of gold," said Bitterman, "but these are movies; they're not reality.  And who writes movies? Geeky bookworms. So of course they're going to be made from that point of view."

 

The suit, which asks for nearly 20 million dollars in punitive damages, accuses the studio of putting crazy ideas about female empowerment in the heads of woman viewers, which has led to a sharp decline in sexual activity among the nation's Camaro and Firebird owners.

 

"All we're asking for is our day in court," Greenway concluded, "we have the hard data to prove these allegations and we're confident the truth will come out."  Greenway then playfully slapped the behind of a nearby waitress and told her to bring him some more wings.  Though she feigned indignation, she clearly enjoyed the attention.