Homer Jay Simpson: I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!
Bart Simpson : Christmas is the one time of year when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.
Homer Simpson: To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
[Bart & Lisa are reading a magazine at the Kwik-E-Mart.]
Apu: Hey, hey, this is not a lending library. If you're not going to buy that thing put it down or I'll blow your heads off!
Homer Simpson: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.
Burns: Bad corpse! Stop... scaring... Smithers!
Lisa: I like him! He's smart, he's sensitive, he's clearly not obsessed with his physical appearance...
Homer: [walking by] My ears are burning.
Lisa: Uh, I wasn't talking about you, Dad.
Homer: No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside so I lit a Q-Tip.
Marge: Mmm...
[Bart's looking for his dog.]
Willy: Yeah, I bought your mutt -- and I 'ate 'im! [Bart gasps.] I 'ate 'is little face, I 'ate 'is guts, and I 'ate the way 'e's always barkin'! So I gave 'im to the church.
Bart: Ohhh, I see... you HATE him, so you gave him to the church.
Willy: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug. [Bart stares.] Ya heard me!
Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: Uh, he sold poison milk to school children.
[Homer, feeling behind the couch for a peanut he dropped, finds a twenty dollar bill instead.]
Homer: Oh, twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut.
Homer's brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Homer: Woo-hoo!
Homer Jay Simpson: Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."
Homer Jay Simpson: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Homer Jay Simpson : But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer Jay Simpson: And how!
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer Jay Simpson: Did you wreck the car?
Bartholomew 'Bart' Jo-Jo Simpson: No.
Homer Jay Simpson: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer Jay Simpson: But the car's okay?
Bartholomew 'Bart' Jo-Jo Simpson , Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer Jay Simpson: All right then.
[Whistle sounds; Homer slides down the power plant into his car, drives away, and sings to the tune of "The Flintstones"]
Homer Jay Simpson: Simpson, Homer Simpson. He's the greatest guy in history! From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree. AAH!
[runs into a chestnut tree]
Newspaper editor: We're looking for a new food critic, someone who doesn't immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats.
Homer Jay Simpson: Nah, it usually takes a few hours.
Bartholomew 'Bart' Jo-Jo Simpson: Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
Homer Jay Simpson: It's like David and Goliath, only this time David won!
[Lisa sighs.]
Lisa's Brain: I know, I heard it too. Here's some music.
[Piano music plays quietly. Lisa smiles contentedly.]
Kent Brockman: Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
Professor: Yes I would, Kent.
Homer Jay Simpson: Dig him up! Dig up that corpse! If you really love Jebediah Springfield, you'll haul his bones out of the ground to prove my daughter wrong! Dig up his grave! Pull out his tongue!
Mayor 'Diamond' Joe Quimby: Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?
Homer Jay Simpson: Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!