Jack Burton: Next time some eight-foot-tall, wild-eyed maniac taps the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall and asks you if you've paid your dues, well, you just do what ole Jack Burton always does at a time like that. You stare that sucker right back in the eye. "Have you paid your dues, Jack?" "Yes, sir, the check is in the mail."
Wreck-Gar: Yes friends, act now, destroy Unicron. Kill the Grand Poobah. Eliminate even the toughest stain!
Parker: Shut that cunt's mouth before I come over there and fuck-start her head!
Parker: Isn't it interesting that if I grab a woman's ass and she punches my lights out then she's defending her rights, but if a faggot grabs my ass and I punch his lights out, then I'm a homophobe?
Smokey: Write it down, take a picture, I don't give a fuck!
Smokey: You got to be a stupid motherfucker to get fired on your day off!
Smokey: You got knocked the fuck out!
Craig Jones: I felt sorry for Smokey, 'cause peer pressure is a motherfucker.
Buffy Gilmore: Don't worry, Cindy! We'll pretend this never happened, like the time we got drunk and went down on each other!
Greg: A small penis is a disability! Would you laugh at someone in a wheelchair.
Black TV Reporter: Reporting live from Black TV, white folks are dead and we're getting the fuck out of here.
Ashtray's cellmate: If you hit a man, in time his wounds will heal. If you steal from a man, you can replace what you've stolen. But always cross in the green, never in between. Because the honorable Elijah Muhammed Ali floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee. And always remember my brother, one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish, knick knack, paddy whack, give a dog a bone, two thousand, zero, zero, party, oops! Out of time, my bacon smellin' fine.
Loc Dog: Stay away from Dashiki, Ashtray. She got more kids than Mrs. Wayans!
[While filling out job application]
Loc Dog:Name: Loc Dog, baby. Height: Six-deuce! Age: 19. Father's name: mmm... I dunno. Sex: hell yeah, nigga! Salary desired: 3 million dollars! Cash!
Criswell: Greetings, my friends. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember, my friends, future events such as these will affect you in the future.
[Nick is trying to persuade Odessa to stop dealing at the Towers.]
Nick Styles-Do it for your mother.
Odessa-What about my mother, motherfucker?
Nick Styles-Your mother, nigga! The one that prayed with my father every night over your sorry ass. The one that buried your kid brother without his head because they couldn't find it. Don't play me, Odessa.
[Nick is slapping around the Aryan bookstore owner.]
Bookstore owner: You're the D.A.!
Nick Styles-Wrong! They fired me. As a private citizen I can kick anybody's ass I want to.
Parole Board Official-Mr. Blake, after your release, what would be the first thing you do?
Blake-Well, sir, I guess first I would visit your house.
Parole Board Official-To thank me, I suppose.
Blake-No. To fuck your wife, and your daughter. Hell, maybe even your dog
[Earl Talbot Blake has taken a female hostage.]
Earl Talbot Blake-She's gonna need a paper bag over her head when her boyfriend fucks what's left of her!
Betty-But Gord, I don't care about jewels, I just want to suck your cock.
Pinky:Who the fuck hit me?
Black Belt Jones:Batman, muthafucka!
Sydney: I'm gonna make you look like a sick faggot.
Jesus Shuttlesworth: I hate my name. What kind of name is Jesus anyway?
Jake Shuttlesworth: It's biblical.
Jesus Shuttlesworth: Yeah, no shit.
Shalika: Why is it everytime you talk about a female you gotta say bitch, ho, or hootchie?
Doughboy: 'Cause that's what you are.
Peoples Hernandez: This is Egyptian cotton.
John Shaft: You wouldn't know Egyptian cotton if Pharaoh himself gave it to you, you knock-off-wearing motherfucker.
Lt. Androzzi: Have a chair, John.
Shaft: I don't like your chair.
Girl: How big is your phallus, Shaft?
Shaft: Say what?
Girl: How big is your cock?
Shaft : I guess it's shrunk to about 20 inches by now.