Q: How do you explain to your kids differences between Capitalism, Communism, and Enron?

 

CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

 

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.

 

ENRON: You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you can get all four cows back with a tax exemption for 5 cows. The milk rights of the 6 cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows with an option on one more. The public buys your bull.

 

Q: What about Arthur Andersen and Other Capitalism?

 

ARTHUR ANDERSEN: You have 2 cows. You shred all documents that Enron has any cows, take 2 cows from Enron for payment for consulting the cows, and attest that Enron has 9 cows.

 

AMERICAN CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.

 

BRITISH CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad.

 

CHINESE CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

 

FRENCH CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

 

GERMAN CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

 

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one cow, but kill the other cow because the feng shui is bad.

 

INDIAN CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You worship them.

 

IRAQ CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

 

ISRAELI CAPITALISM: So, there are these 2 Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

 

ITALIAN CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.

 

JAPANESE CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

 

RUSSIAN CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

 

SINGAPOREAN CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. The government fines you for keeping 2 unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.