I remember I used to be fuzzy.
Kind of stupid that I would think of it now, but I do remember it. People can't tell from looking at me that I was ever that way. No, I was too scary now, too leather-clad, too sexy, too dangerous. It was hard to think that I was ever anything but what I am now.
But I used to be fuzzy.
I remember the days when I was human. I don't like them all that much. It was kind of sickening to my demon to ever recognize that I was like that. All those stupid fuzzy sweaters with little faces on them. Those stupid long flowery skirts I used to cover every inch of myself. Little red sneakers that I wore almost everywhere. No makeup, no great style to my hair. Just strawberry lip gloss that I bought from the mall every now and then, maybe a dash of eyeshadow if I felt daring. It wouldn't do for me to be too daring, I would probably end up being noticed and then ridiculed. That Cordelia bitch was always on hand, waiting to deliver some sort of harsh comment in hopes of making me cry.
Stupid little whore. So glad Xander and I killed her. I should have killed the other one while I had the chance. But stupid me, I was too focused on the other me, the human that I wanted to turn into a vampire. And there was that annoying man with a cross who jumped in front of me. He was stupid too, but irritating in a way that I didn't want to deal with. The retard actually thought he could drive me back with a cross? God, I hate those White Hats. They piss me off so much. I should have killed him too.
I should have killed them all. I should have ripped out their throats when I had the chance. Yes, it wasn't my world, but I could have made it into something better than my world. All those stupid little humans walking about, like they had nothing to fear from the dangers of the night.
How dare they? I should have put them in their place.
But I couldn't. And it was for the same reason that I couldn't turn the human me, slaughter everyone within the Bronze, or even have some fun with my Puppy.
The Slayer. The stupid, slutty, blonde bitch of a Slayer stopped me from doing what I wanted. Bitch didn't even have the common courtesy to stake me like any other Slayer would. She just couldn't make herself do it. I was too much like her Willow, the one she loved oh-so-much. So she took pity on me and sent me back.
Yuck. Just thinking like that makes me want to puke. It's worse than drinking tainted blood. The Slayer wouldn't kill me because I brought up too many fond memories for her. I feel dirty now. And not in a good way.
That world was awful. It wasn't even Hell, because I think I would have enjoyed Hell more than that. All those people, living their lives as happy as can be, with no one around to strike fear deep in their hearts like they should have. I didn't like that Sunnydale, I didn't like that me. I was all human and fuzzy and best friends with the Slayer!
I wanted to go back. I didn't want to stay there. It was a bad world, no fun for vampires like me. I wanted to go back to the world where everything was the way I wanted. Where I had Puppy chained up in a cell, humans living in cages ready to provide meals when I was hungry, Xander dead, sexy, and willing to fuck me in every which way possible. I wanted the world where I could chain up those lower than me and ride them like ponies. I wanted to go back to the world I had come from.
That was the part where I was stupid.
I wasn't thinking of what had been happening before I left. I didn't think of the mayhem, the Slayer showing up with all those White Hats to ruin all of the Master's fun. I guess I was too unhappy with the way that Slayer Bitch kept slapping me down like it was no problem. Stupid girl was stronger here for some reason. I think the human me said she even killed the Master in that world. Ugh, a world without the Master. No wonder things went so wrong here.
I wanted to go home, because that place was so different. I should have stayed, I could have made it work if I tried. After all, the Slayer didn't want to kill me. I could have gotten away from her and gone off on a killing spree to end all killing sprees.
But no, I was stupid and I wanted to go home. So human me talked everyone over there into letting me go home. Which is why I'm here, right now, screwed forever.
Fucking White Hats, always around when they weren't needed. Like that stupid musician kid. The other me was actually dating this miserable excuse for a human. Now why was she doing that when Puppy and Xander were well within reach? Why would she turn to this speck of a man?
Of course, I could just be bitter since the idiot just finished staking me.
Back in my world for no more than two seconds when the little shit grabs my arm and throws me back on a jagged piece of wood. Nice aim for a pathetic human, I'll give him that. Got me right in the heart with just one shove.
It only takes about a second after a stake hits the heart of a vampire for the creature to fall into ashes. I've seen it done before. It's almost instantaneous. One quick jab and then POOF! They're long gone.
It doesn't happen that quickly on the vampire's end. I know this. I mean, I've had time to go through this entire rant haven't I? One second for the outside world is like a human lifetime for the vampire about to die.
I stand here, like I'm frozen but my mind still works. I have time to regret, time to think, time to stew about the unfairness of it all. I can think back to everything that I've done, everything that I've been. I can think fondly of all the victims that I've tormented throughout my three years as a vampire. I can think disgustedly on all that time I wasted as a human, puttering around like the fuzzy wallflower that wasn't ready to be noticed. I didn't have any of my own fuzzy things anymore. Xander wanted me to burn them so I did. Burned them and the house down while my parents screamed from the inside.
Good times.
But all of it is over now. Xander was dusted just seconds before me. I saw it happen and I wonder what he thought of during his lifetime of dying. Did he think of me back in the fuzzy days as well? He probably thought of me regardless. We were always together, always one during our lifetimes. I hope his lifetime wasn't spent regretting too much. He lived it up as a vampire, he shouldn't have too much to regret.
I think my lifetime's coming to an end. Things were speeding up now and the dull ache from the piece of wood in my chest is fading. Interesting, I can actually feel myself start to crumble away. It doesn't hurt, kind of itches though. It starts at my feet and slowly makes it way upwards.
Time's up. Endgame and all that other stuff. I'll be nothing more than ashes soon and then my thoughts will stop forever.
I really should have stayed in the other world.