A Hair of the Dog that Bit You
Act 1
missing scene
We begin in London, the Thames. A boat is seen in the foreground between the docks. Big Ben is in the background. The screen cuts to a tourist's video recording, which is focused on Big Ben with the REC indicator on the top left.
Tourist: And over here is Big ol' Ben! Whoo-whee! Heh heh. That's a big clock! Bet it takes a humongous batter. Quadruple-E. Hahahahahaha ya, ya know what, it takes a lickin' and keeps on a tickin', hahahaha. (werewolves get into the camera shot, staring and growling, slowly approaching) Hey you, scat dogs! You-you're ruinin' my home video! Heh heh heh, wait'll Saget sees this, heh heh. AH!!Still around Big Ben, the wolves run around in packs, terrorizing the people who run screaming. They suddenly stop to the Road Rovers blocking their way (Hunter, Colleen, and Exile).
Hunter: (spits out tennis ball already in mouth) Bad dogs. Bad, bad dogs!The wolves position themselves for a fight, as do the Rovers. But then Hunter whistles and behind them Shag is driving (badly) a double decked bus with Blitz beside him, scared of Shag's driving.
Hunter: Rovers, let's roll!The bus chases the wolves some more. Two climb crates and jump on to the top of the bus behind Colleen and Exile.
Blitz: Is time for the gnashing of tooshies!
Exile Don't be a weird boy.
Exile: Colleen, I am close relative to wolf. Let me talk to them in their native tongue.More chasing. Shag is afraid of running over some wolves so he swerves sharply, making the bus turn on its side to a screeching halt. The Rovers jump out of the bus.
Colleen: Be my guest, Exile.
Exile: (dog jibberish) (wolf tears a seat) They're definitely not from around this neighborhood.
Colleen: Maybe they're French.
Blitz: You are the worst driver in the world!The wolves have the Rovers and the bus surrounded.
Shag: Ree?
Colleen: If you don't mind, I'd like you to meet my boyfriend. (pulls out a type of launcher) We're going steady. (fires a sponge and hits directly)Some wolves close in on Blitz. (missing quote) Blitz readies a launcher and fires a tooshie-biting steel ball. The wolves duck as the ball bites through a lamp post. Shag is now seen cowering with Hunter nearby.
Hunter: (readies another weapon) Maybe they'd like to play a game of catch.
Colleen: I don't get it. What are you going to do with that? (Hunter fires and hits, the tennis ball explodes) NOW I get it.
Hunter: (holds a drool-covered tennis ball) Wanna try one?
Colleen: Un, maybe later. In my next lifetime.
Hunter: Cool, call me.
Hunter: You can do this, Shag. You just need courage. You need strength. And most of all, you need our brand new Road Rover missile launcher! It's FUN!Colleen and Exile fight the wolves hand to hand, evenly matched, and not going unscratched. A wolf knocks Colleen down and slobbers all over her.
Shag: (fires launcher backwards into an empty building) (explosion)
Hunter: Shag, we've definitely gotta get you a refresher course on the launcher.
Shag: Rorrer
Colleen: Hiyah, Madonna!
Colleen: Eew, gross! Blimey! Do you know how much trouble I go through everyday to look this way?A few more skirmishes, then Exile uses his heat vision on the wolves. The wolves runaway.
Colleen: Tata! Don't bother to write!Now we are at Road Rovers Mission Control.
Hunter: Whoa, Exile! When did you learn how to do that?
Exile: On cold Siberian nights. It comes in handy.
Colleen: Ow, that bungle tuckered my bones a bit now.
Hunter: Yeah, what she said.
Exile: I am not feeling not so hot myself.
Hunter: Let's head home, Rovers. (showing the place in a wreck) Our job here is done.
Master: This is troubling Rovers. First the reports of those roaming wolfpacks, then the disappearance of the royal family, and now this?In the night, Shag sleeps on the carpet in the ground of his room. He gets up to the howling of dogs and sleeps walk to the refrigerator. Upon opening the fridge, heavenly light and sound effect is heard. Shag pulls up a chair and sits in front of the fridge, piling on plates of apples on top of turkey legs, eats some bites, pulls out ham, then hot dog. As he puts mustard on the hot dog, Shag hears some growling. Shag looks behind him and sees red eyes, sharp claws, and a werewolf! In panic, Shag shoves the hot dog and mustard at the werewolf and runs.
Colleen: (checking Exile) Does this hurt?
Exile: Nyet.
Colleen: Does this hurt?
Exile: Nyet.
Colleen: Does this hurt?
Exile: Yaaah! Daa! DAH!
Colleen: I found out what hurts! I also found this. (holds up a piece of gray fur)
Exile: Must be from those wolves with lips that foam.
Colleen: Might be. We should get it tested.
Hunter: (grabs fur) Right. We'll run it though the world's most advanced state of the art DNA analyzer. (goes through doors)
Hubert: (bloodhound in glasses) (sniffing fur) Where did you find this, Hunter?
Hunter: It's something we picked up in London, Professor Huber. Can you get a fix on it?
Hubert: Certainly, my boy. I'm a bloodhound, posessing the world's most sensitive canine nose. (sniffs Shag) And you've had garlic!
Shag: Mueeh?
Hubert: (spraying Shag) With anchovies.
Shag: Rah! (pulls out and eats a pizza)
Hunter: (going through another set of doors) So will your analysis take long?
Hubert: (climbs a tall ladder to the top of a filing system) To do this right, I'll need to compare this sample to the scent of every creature on the planet. I'll have the results for you by morning. *sniff sniff* Aardvark? No. *sniff sniff* Alligator? No. *sniff sniff* Anaconda? No. *sniff sniff*
Colleen: The morning of June 11, 2870.
Act II
The pursuit continues. Shag runs and thinks he's safe, gasping for breath. Suddenly drool fall on him. Looking up, he sees the werewolf, who tears apart the barrier and chases Shag some more. At a fork of the complex, Shag runs one way while the werewolf looks the other, where steam is coming out of closed doors. Blitz is in the bathroom looking in a mirror.
Blitz: Ah, Blitz, you are so handsome. I could look at you all night, you big hunk of dog muscle, you! (walks toward show) You know, I'm so pretty I could kiss myself all over *kiss kiss* which I will *kiss kiss* because I can. (steps in shower, tosses out towel) Hey, what are you doing in here? AAUUGGHH!! (runs away wearing the shower curtain-quite nice apparel by the way =) )As Blitz is chased by the wolf, he runs in to Shag, literally, like into Shag. Shag pulls him out. Blitz spits out several furballs. The two hear the werewolf. Shag then jumps into Blitz's arms, who drops him a moment later. Then Blitz jumps into Shag's arms, who also drops him a moment later.
Blitz: This isn't working, mop boy!"The werewolf starts chasing the two of them again, this time the same time. We cut to Hunter, approaching Hubert's ladder.
Hubert: *sniff* Baboon? No.The three head outside and see a mess in the kitchen.
Hunter: (tossing soggy tennis ball) How're the lab tests going, Professor?
Hubert: Good news, I'm already on the B's! *sniff* Badger? No. *sniff* Bandicoot? No.
Hunter: Bandicoot, cool.
Blitz & Shag: (run in the library screaming)
Hunter: Whoa, what's the problem buddy?
Shag: Uh ruh ree, ohr rer, uh ruh rer, uh ruh rehr ruhlf!
Hunter: You had a dream you were shaved bald by Kathie Lee Gifford?
Shag: Rooohr, reh roohmerh.
Hunter: Worse than that?
Shag: (acts out a beastly creature and a scared Shag) *whine*
Hunter: Oh ho ho, you saw a werewolf! Wake up and go back to sleep, you big nut.
Blitz: No, I saw it too! It was big, ugly, and huge with dripping fangs and - (catches himself) - but I wasn't scared, no, not one bit.
Hunter: Ah, you're both acting like little babies. (roar heard outside) (Blitz and Shag jump onto Hunter, whose head pops out through Shag) What was that?
Hunter: Okay, who got into the chocolates?The three tip toe into Exile's room and to his bed.
Blitz: Whoever it was, it went into Exile's room.
Hunter: Yo, Exile, psst. Wake up buddy, move it.Dawn arises. Outside of the headquarters, the Master's voice is heard.
Exile: (waking up) *grumbles* QUIT RUSSIAN ME!
Shag: (scared, runs towards door) (sees Colleen half awake)
Hunter: (turning on light) I suppose this is your werewolf?
Exile: Who, me?
Colleen: Blimey, could you blokes keep it down? I need my bloomin' beauty sleep.
Hunter, Exile, and Blitz: I'LL SAY!
Colleen: Ahhaha, there's your comedy.
Hunter: Sorry, Colleen, but the boys here think we've got an uninvited guest in the house.
Colleen: Well, if you see him, tell him to pipe down. I'm going back to bed.
Hunter: (pushing Blitz and Shag ahead of him) Yeah, me too. I've had enough of these shaggy dog stories.
Exile: Me three. Don't be again unsleeping me. (closes door and sees scratches all over the door) *gasp* Mother Russia! It couldn't be me... or, could it?
Master: Rise and shine, Rovers. Breakfast time.Muzzle hops by on camera. Meanwhile, in the laboratory, the Professor is still on his tall ladder.
Hubert: Walrus? no. *sniff sniff* Whale? No. *sniff sniff* Wolf? Yes! *sniff sniff* Hmm. Interesting. Very interesting.Now the Professor is with the Road Rovers.
Hubert: The testing is complete!The scene cuts into a dark Exile's room. The Rovers slowly come in.
Hunter: Good job, Professor!
Hubert: Nothing to it, Hunter. I do have the most sensitive nasal detection system in the world, you know. (points suddenly at Shag) And you, sir, are currently in possession of a foot-long hot dog with mustard, relish, and onions! ... You wouldn't happen to have an extra one, would you? (Shag digs out a hot dog) Ah, thanks. (chugs) Mmm.
Colleen: So Professor, what did you find out about the fur?
Hubert: Although it appears to be from a wolf, closer analysis proves it originates, in fact from . . . a werewolf. (everyone gasps, Shag whimpers)
Hunter: I would not have predicted this.
Blitz: See? I told you it was a werewolf! And it went straight into Exile's room.
Colleen: Blimey! Where is Exile anyway?
Hunter: Exile?The scene cuts to the top of a mountain. The Rovers stand before a talking Pekingnese dog who is Confuse-us.
Exile: Go away.
Hunter: Hey, we gotta talk, buddy.
Exile: Leave me lonely. I do not wish to hurt comrades.
Hunter: We wanna help you, man. Just tell us what you know.
Exile: According to legend of my ancestors, once victim is biten or scratched, during full moon, he turns into raging monstrous beast!
Colleen: Sounds like a fun date.
Exile: Is nyet funski; it is me. It is curse of werewolf. (Balalaika music heard in the background) Oh, I miss Mother RUssia. Father Russia I don't miss much, he was big grump. But Mother Russia I miss. Oh, listen to the sad strains of the balalaika. I hate it, so somebody shut that thing up!
Shag: (quickly hides balalaika away)
Blitz: (pointing to calendar) Tonight there is another full moon.
Exile: Lock me up and throw away key! (Shag whimpers)
Colleen: No, Exile. We're gonna help you.
Blitz: But how? How do we find a cure?
Hunter: We need to consult the great wise dog of the mountain. Confuse-us.
Hunter: Oh Confuse-us, we seek your wisdom.The scene shows Colleen changing into a werewolf. Hunter is on the other side of the intercom listening as Blitz screams for his life and crashing is heard.
Confuse-us: Did you bring the cocktail weenies?
Hunter: Yes sir!
Confuse-us: Ahh! Oh, the cheesy kind! Good! Just leave the box. Yeah, the entire box. Mmm. What can I do for you?
Colleen: Please tell us, oh great wise dog, how to save our friend from the werewolf's curse.
Confuse-us: Hmm, werewolf's curse, werewolf's curse, right! Got it! Ahem, cough cough, hack hack, hrum, pardon.The victim's problem will have ceasedNow get! Get out!
When you find the drool of the beast.
Add water from the English moor
And you will have the perfect cure.
But if you fail by the dawn of day
Forever a werewolf he will stay.
Hunter: Let's get that swamp water, Rovers. It's back to England. Thanks, Confuse-us!
Confuse-us: My pleasure. Good luck! Wear seatbelts. And next time bring me some sourballs. Oh yeh yeh yeah yeah and uh, maybe some (unintelligible, cinnamon something?), yeah, and maybe a side of fries!
Hunter: Okay, Shag and Exile will go with me.
Blitz: And I will go with Colleen.
Colleen: Have we met?
Blitz: I'm Blitz, remember?
Colleen: Sorry governor.
Blitz: I need a name tag.
Hunter: Let's hit the road Rovers! Next stop, the English moors.
Exile: (obviously inside aircraft) You should've left me behind, Hubter; any minute I could change.
Hunter: (shows Exile in excessive chains and locks) Ah, honestly, Exile. We have the situation all wrapped up. And not a moment too soon; full moon off the right wing.
Shag: (cowers under chair)
Hunter: How ya feel, buddy?
Exile: Hot, sweaty, large, the way I always feel.
Hunter: Sky Rover to Cloud Rover, I've got good news! Exile is not a werewolf!
Blitz: (over intercom) And I've got bad news. Colleen is!
Hunter: Yet another unexpected twist. Bummer.The Sky Rover flies straight. The Cloud Rover is going in zigzags.
Act III
The Cloud Rover is in turmoil inside.
Blitz: Colleen, its me! The one you can't remember, Blitz!Meanwhile, Hunter has filled up a small tube with swamp water at the moor.
Colleen: (attacks Blitz)
Blitz: Can't we discuss this over a cappuccino? (falls in controls) Nooo, noo, please!
Hunter: Okay, guys. Here's all the swamp water we need.The Sky Rover is hovering over Stonehenge.
Blitz: (over intercom) Hunter, we have a problem!
Hunter: Yeah, I know. We ran out of milk bones.
Blitz: That's not what I'm talking about!
Hunter: Stay, Blitz. Now that we have the swamp water we've gotta find some werewolf slobber.
Blitz: (slobber pouring on him) I've got plenty of that! (stuffs parachute at Colleen)
Hunter: (watching Cloud Rover take off) Where ya goin' now, Blitz?
Blitz: It's not up to me; Colleen's in charge.
Hunter: What're they all doing here?The Rovers sneak around the columns to get a closer look. They find two werewolves on the top of the rock, one of whom is Colleen. The sun begins to rise.
Exile: According to the legend of my homeland, it is time for the werewolves to pick their king and queen. Once sun comes up and night turns to day, they will all be werewolves forever!
Hunter: Queen Colleen? Naah, no way!
Blitz: (waving) Yoohoo! Over here! (Sky Rover lands) Hunter, let's get out of here while we're still dogs. I barely got away by the skin of my teeth.
Hunter: Play dead, Blitz; we're not going anywhere without Colleen.
Hunter: Okay, Rovers. Let's roll!The Rovers are on a full assault. Blitz bites the tail of a werewolf, sending him wincing in pain. Exile freezes various werewolf attackers.
Blitz: Finally. It is time for the biting of soft mushy parts!
Exile Don't be a weird boy.
Exile: I LOVE being Road Rover!Meanwhile, Colleen and the other crowned werewolf leaps at Hunter.
Hunter: Colleen, he's not really your type. In fact, he's not even your species. (he avoids their onslaught easily)Shag prepares a missile and is ready to fire, but it's pointing the wrong way.
Hunter: Shag! You gotta turn it around!Hunter goes back to work, He takes the tennis ball and ricochet's it in the canyon, touching all of the werewolves and morphing them all back to the familiar characters from the beginning of the episode.
Shag: Roo-kay. (turns himself around and fires, causing a canyon which traps the werewolves)
Hunter: You did it, Shag! Good Work! (Colleen attacks him now) You know, I'm usually super-patient, but with the sun coming up I just don't have the time. (tosses her away and loads a tennis ball) Just a touch of swamp water and . . . CATCH! (throws the ball at her and the wolf catches it. Colleen morphs back to normal)
Colleen: Phoo! Eww, gross!
Colleen: Gooey, but it did the job.Back at headquarters, the Master is addressing them.
Hunter: Here, you want one for a souvenir?
Colleen: Hunter, you're just too good to me.
Hunter: Hey, I'm also super-generous.
Master: You're good dogs, Rovers. Good, good, dogs. I'm glad to see that Colleen is back to her beautiful self, too.The scene cuts to the mountain where Confuse-us is meditating.
Blitz: Ach, me too! She almost took my tuckus off back there.
Master: And thanks Professor. Your nose has done it again.
Hubert: You've had linguine and clam sauce, haven't you?
Master: And an after dinner mint, too!
Master: Amazing!
Hubert: (turning to Hunter) And you've been chewing on a slime-covered tennis ball.
Hunter: Hey, I'm a dog; some habits die hard.
Confuse-us: Ah, all is well!Hubert is proud of his nose as we end the third episode.
Hubert: And you've had cocktail weenies!
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