Where Rovers Dare
Big thanks to Nathaniel T. Freeman ([email protected]) for the script
Act 1
The map of Europe is shown, then cut to a fictitious map of named countries.
Narrator: Centuries ago, the nations of Katzenstock and Eisneria lived side by side in peaceful coexistance. Their friendship was epitomized by the golden bridge that linked the two countries. But then came war. The two nations collapsed, as did their golden bridge; and the peace was washed away, apparently forever. The only surviving remnant of these ancient days is the priceless Scepter of the Valley, long enshrined in Katzenstock's capital. But the scepter has been-A commotion is raised about this war. Then the speaker (unidentified international voice) of the U.N. stops the commotion.
Katzenstock Ambassador: (in U.N. setting) Stolen! Stolen by spies from Eisneria!
Eisneria Ambassador: That's a lie! We stole nothing. My people resent the accusation!
K.A.: If Eisneria does not return the scepter by noon tomorrow, Katzenstock will have no choice but to declare war!
E.A.: Then war it will be!
International voice: The ambassador from the United States has the floor.The scene cuts to a snow country, then Hunter and Colleen ride in on motorcycle-like snow vehicles with similarly-equipped soldiers in pursuit.
U.S. Ambassador: The U.S. wishes to assure the General Assembly that as we speak, some of our finest operatives are looking for the missing scepter.
Hunter: Hang ten, moondoggie.The soldiers in pursuit fire lasers, one of which hits a tree that falls. A soldier is catapulted into being caught in the groin by a tree. (ouch!)
Colleen: Wrong sport, Huntie.
Hunter: Oh, then why is there surf music?
Colleen: I hope he's in a good HMO.A remaining soldier chases Hunter and Colleen across the chasm and around turns. He eventually catches up and leaps onto Hunter's sled and on top of Hunter.
Hunter: Don't you kiss me.Hunter knees the soldier, who becomes clotheslined into a branch. Hunter and Colleen pass a hillside that opens, releasing more soldiers. Hunter and Colleen close in on the Tank Rover.
Soldier: I will not. I will kill you!
Hunter: Eh, don't do that either.
Hunter: Here's our ride.The two sleds enter the Tank Rover rear which then closes. Shag is shown worried in the driver's seat.
Colleen: Just in time.
Exile: (as the rear of the vehicle opens) Start russian, comrades; they are right behind you!
Hunter: Let's hit the road, Shag.The Tank Rover swiftly dodges more enemy fire, which is blasting the trees down.
Colleen: Oops, the EPA's not going to like this.Another shot sends the Tank Rover into a roll that ends precariously on a cliff. The Tank Rover is teetering upon its edge.
Hunter: You're just a wealth of commentary today, aren't you?
Colleen: Just trying to stay topical - you know, ripped out of today's headlines.
Exile: (as the tank is shot from the back) Rear of Tank Rover also ripped out.
Hunter: Okay, everybody back up-And through all this, the soldiers fire another shot that sends the Tank Rover plummeting. Everyone screams. Hunter straps himself in and manages to transform the Tank Rover into a helicopter with the heavy bottom part released. The Rovers howl.
Hunter, Colleen, Exile: -nice and easy...
Hunter: One more step and-(Tank Rover settles)
All: Aahhh!
Hunter: We're home free, Rovers.The enemy sleds fall but similarly transform for flight combat. They successfully shoot down the Tank Rover.
Hunter: (as Tank Rover falls) Heh, I would not have predicted this.After landing the Tank Rover starts bobsledding.
Colleen: Your predictions are consistently off.
Hunter: Oh, you've noticed.
Colleen: Put it this way: the psychic hotline you're not.
Hunter: Hold on to your hat. (transforms the Tank Rover into a bobsled)Some gunefire splits the bobsled into two.
Exile: Jingle balls, jingle balls, jingle all the balls! (Shag whispers something in his ear) What? Jingle bells? Never heard of them.
Exile: This is making me see red. (fires eye beams at soldiers and slam into trees in the groin (double ouch!))The bobsled rides towards a plane where Blitz and Muzzle are impatiently waiting. The Tank Rover comes to a stop and everyone gets out.
Colleen: They'll be singing soprano into their eighties.
Exile: Good. We Russians LOVE the opera.
Hunter: Hey blitz, how you doing there Muzzle. Been here long?The plane takes off. The enemy vehicles in pursuit transform again and chases the plane in the air.
Blitz: Ya, my tootsie-wootsies are all frost-bitten. How'd it go?
Hunter: (pulls out scepter wrapped in some cloth) Like taking candy from a baby.
Colleen: (as more laser fires their direction) A very angry bab.
Hunter: Let's roll, Rovers.
Blitz: But what about the biting of the enemy?
Hunter: Not now, Blitz. We have what we came for.
Colleen: And if we don't get this sparkly back to Katzenstock by noon tomorrow, we'll have a real bloomin' war on our hands.
Blitz: I love it when you talk to me.
Colleen: Have we been introduced?
Blitz: Sure, you know me!
Colleen: Oh, right, your name is... no no, don't say it, let me think... Blister? No, Blighter.
Blitz: Blitz.
Colleen: No no no, that's not it... Bloaty?
Hunter: Oh, I definitely want one of those.Act II
Colleen: Cool, me too! (plane's rudder and engines are shot off) I'd also like a parachute.
Hunter: Anything we can do?
Colleen: Yeah, get ready to crash.
Hunter: Any other suggestions?
Blitz: Ya, I suggest we all scream uncontrollably.
Hunter: Sounds like a plan.
All: AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Inside the cockpit of the doomed falling plane, Hunter is desperately pulling up the throttle. Blitz is crying, Exile is covering his eyes, and Shag is typing on a laptop "WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF"
Colleen: It's a little late to start writing your memoirs, Shag.The plane is on a crash course into a mountain. Colleen panics as Hunter shoots away the top of the mountain. The plane lands on a long "runway", knowking down many trees and finally stopping just outside the city. Inside, the Rovers' feet are sticking up in the air.
Shag: Oh. (tosses computer and shrugs)
Blitz: (crying) (takes a gloved hand) *kiss* (cries) *kiss* (cries) *kiss* before we die, I just want you to know that, I love you!
Exile: (hand Blitz was kissing) Please consider therapy.
Blitz: Huh? DOH! *ptoo ptoo*
Colleen: Actually Hunter, that was one of your better landings.The Rovers evacuate the plane and head for town. On the run, they enter a building and close the door. Outside more soldiers arrive, led by Lt. Skeam.
Hunter: Hey thanks, that's sweet. (more gunfire, Rovers back on their feet) Hey Exile, radio mission control. We need someone to come get us.
Exile: (another blast) No can do, Hunter. Radio, she kaputski.
Colleen: Ooh, here's someone coming to get us right now. (points to enemy soldiers)
Lt. Skeam: They went into the village. Surround the perimeter. We'll search every building. They're around here somewhere.The scene switches to the U.N.
Colleen: (looks out window) Oh brilliant! The place is crawling with rebels.
Hunter: We'll lay low till nightfall. We can sneak out once it's dark. (pulls out scepter) Until then, here Shag. Guard this with your life.
Shag: (pulls Blitz into view) Reh, Ruh ruh ruh. Ruh rah, ruh reh.
Hunter: Okay, guard it with Blitz's life, but guard it.
Blitz: Hey, no way mop boy!
Shag: GRR RRRAAAAAHHH!!!!
Blitz: Alright alright guard it with my life!
Shag: Ruh.
Blitz: (to Colleen, who is practicing) His argument is very persuasive you know.
Colleen: Ummm, Blink! No, that's not it, don't tell me, I'll get it.
Blitz: I'm starting to hate this a bit.
Phone: Madam Ambassador, it's the Pentagon.Nighttime falls. The soldiers search continue with incoming tanks. Two rebels hear wolves howling. The younger one is ready to fire.
U.S. Ambassador: What's the outlook, General?
General: Well, we just lost radio contact with the Rovers.
U.S. Ambassador: Oh no!
General: Afraid so. We veliece they were shot down north of Katzenstock and Eisneria, in the region of Ovitznia. We've sent in some planes for reconnnaissance, but so far no sign of them.
U.S. Ambassador: Isn't Ovitznia controlled by revel guerillas?
General: That's affirmative. They're a lethal group, led by a real trouble maker by the name of Colonel Gustav Havoc (scene shifts to a close-up of Havoc)
Havoc: Idiots. Now let me get this straight. (paces before a screen showing a nvervously saluting Skeam) We steal the Scepter of the Valley in order to throw Katzenstock and Eisneria into war, and then the scepter is taken from us by a pack of... dogs?
Skeam: They were talking dogs, sir.
Havoc: I don't care if they were singing dogs! I don't care if they were singing the theme from Cats! I WANT THAT SCEPTER!!!
Skeam: Yes sir! We have the Rovers surrounded in the village of Moosk. They'll never get away. I swear on my life!
Havoc: I'll hold you to that promise, Lieutenant.
Secretary: Colonel Havoc, the Katzenstocki prime minister is still waiting on line 2.
Havoc: (puts on sunglasses, picks up phone) Stanislav! Sorry, the phone keeps ringing. What's the good word?
Katzenstock P.M.: I've arranged the financing. Twenty-four billion.
Havoc: Wonderful. Once the funds show up in my Swiss bank account the missile launchers will be delievered to you within 24 hours. Ciao!
Secretary: The Eisnerian Ambassador is on line 4.
Havoc: Alonzo, baby, I heard the news, what can I do to help?
Eisneria Ambassador: That's why I called; we need your military support.
Havoc: Well, sure Lonzy, but it'll cost you.
E.A.: Our treasury is at your disposal.
Havoc: Good. Let me crunch some numbers with my money people, I'll get right back to you. (hangs up) I love war.
Secretary: Who's side are you on, Colonel?
Havoc: My side. I'll sell to whomever pays my price. And after I clean out their treasuries, I can sit back and watch Katzenstock and Eisneria blow each other to bits. After which, I'll sweep in, pick up the pieces, and lead. (map of countries on screen morphs into a single region called Havoc) (Skeam back on screen) Lieutenant?
Skeam: Colonel?
Havoc: Shoot anything that moves. Just get me back that scepter!
Skeam: Yes sir.
Older rebel: Steady, Janni. It's only a wolf. Sometimes they come down the mountain looking for food.The pair move on, but Janni sees the Rovers running.
Janni: There they go! (fires but hits a wolf)The wounded wolf limps to the Rovers' hideout, then collapses. The Rovers cautiously go to his help.
Older rebel: Ah, it was just a wolf.
Janni: I swear, I saw them.
Older rebel: Ya ya, sure.
Colleen: Poor fella, he's been shot! Easy now. Here's a goodie for ya. (wolf slowly eats a dog biscuit) Someone get the first aid kid. This kid needs help, and fast.Shag pulls out a first aid kit from his fir, and Exile takes it. The soldiers are continually searching.
Skeam: I want every building flat. Demolish the place!Tanks begin to move throughout the village, crushing everything in sight. Meanwhile, Colleen operates with Exile as assistant, covering his eyes. Shag holds the flashlight.
Rebel: Why, Lieutenant?
Skeam: We'll flush them out. Move it!
Colleen: Antiseptic. Cotton. Suture. Clamp. (Hunter and Blitz look and sound squeamish) There, all done. Nice work, Exile.The tanks then level the building. Colleen, carrying the wolf, and everyone but Hunter and Blitz leave.
Exile: My pleasure. May I faint now?
Colleen: Be my guest.
Exile: Thank you. Hnnh... (faints and is caught by Shag)
Hunter: Alright everybody, we're running late. We'll get a quick bite to eat and get ready to move out. (Blitz looks out window and sees tanks coming) Here ya go Muzzle. Hey Blitz, ya want a biscuit?
Blitz: Tanks.
Hunter: You're welcome.
Blitz: No, tank!.
Hunter: Are you sure? It's tasty. Try it!
Blitz: Tanks!
Hunter: You're welcome.
Blitz: No, tanks!!
Hunter: What's with you? You want it or not?
Blitz: TANKS!
Hunter: YOU'RE WELCOME!
Blitz: NO, TANKS!!
Hunter: WELL MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!
Hunter: Oh ho ho ho, tanks! Now I get it. Funny!Act III
Blitz: (facing tank guns) Ach du lieber! Run!! *girly scream* (tanks demolish the building)
And the chase is on! Eventually the Rovers with the wolf hide in a canvas panel truck and get ready to roll.
Hunter: Let's hit the road, Rovers.The truck continues its path, but down an alley Exile sees a tank coming from the other end.
Exile: Hunter, do everything! Turn turn turn!The chase continues, with the truck turning all sorts of ways and meeting fire every turn.
Hunter: Hey, the Byrds did that tune, Exile; I love that song.
Colleen: (grabs and turns wheel) TTTUUUUUURRRRRNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!
Hunter: (narrow escape, still oblivious) Colleen, I think that one was Janis Joplin.
Shag: Ruuuh, ruh, uh ruh ruh, uh ruh ruh ruh ruh reh reh?The chase goes out of the city, through the countryside. Eventually a shot sends the truck out of control and into a snowbank. The Rovers watch a tank coming from the rear. With no choice, the Rovers abandon the truck and run until they reach a cliff where a helicopter and its lights block their way.
Hunter: No, Shag. We're not making a pit stop now.
Shag: (holding himself) Uh *grunt* me meh muh mu, me muu.
Hunter: (still being chased and avoiding firings) Hey, see what you can get on the radio, Exile.
Exile: (grabs mic) This is Road Rovers calling mission control. Come in, mission control.
Hunter: Oh, I was thinking of some music, but that's cool too.
Hunter: Yet another unexpected twist. Bummer.Tanks and helicopters surround the Rovers as they surrender. Havoc comes out of one of the helicopters.
Skeam: We've located the Rovers, Colonel Havoc.Guns click, Shag whimpers, Muzzle growls. But Shag pulls the scepter out and hands it Hunter, who reluctantly hands it towards Havoc.
Havoc: I'm not blind, I can see that Lieutenant. Hand over the scepter, dog.
Hunter: Never, Havoc!
Havoc: I'm afraid you really have no choice.Suddenly the wolf howls. Everyone notices, and Hunter considers the scepter.
Hunter: (taking back scepter) Can't we all just get along?Havoc turns and looks around him. The entire canyon is now surrounded by wolves, all very angry and all turning against Havoc and his henchmen.
Havoc: Give it to me now!
Hunter: I would, Havoc, but I'm afriad my friends wouldn't be very pleased.
Havoc: Huh?
Skeam: Awaiting orders, Colonel.But a dozen wolves are in control of the chopper as well, leaving the enemies hopeless. The U.N. reconnaissance helicopters then hover over the Rovers' location.
Havoc: Just get in the chopper and get us out of here!
Pilot: Good news, mission control. We found the Rovers, and they have the scepter.The sound of dogs howling is heard as the bridge magically rises out from the water.
Wolf: (woofs to Colleen appreciatively)
Colleen: Thanks for our help? Thanks for yours, mate.
Havoc: (being led away) Cry 'havoc', and let slip the dogs of war.
Hunter: Uh, yeah, what he said.
Muzzle: *Muttley laugh*
Colleen: Jolly good job, Blintz.
Blitz: Uhh, close enough.
Hunter: To the power of the pack!
All: (including wolves) AAAARRRROOOOO!!!!!!!!Narrator: And so, war was averted between Katzenstock and Eisneria. And to celebrate their renewed friendship, Katzenstock returned the Scepter of the Valley to its original place of honor, where it had rested years ago.
K.A. and E.A.: (both placing scepter in hole on the old bridge site) To our future, our friendship.
Narrator: (actually Master) The nations were once again united in peace, and the region became known as the happiest place on earth (the map of three nations (Ovitznia included) becomes one region that looks slightly familiar) thanks to the Road Rovers. You're good, good dogs.And thus ends our fourth episode.
All: AAAAAARRRRRRRROOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
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Questions? Comments? Mistakes? Write to me at [email protected].