Journal7

Week 15 April 2007

Is love really all men need?

Everyone seems to be getting married, hooking up, having sex and getting pregnant. If soulmates really exist then this year it's really their year.

I chance upon my hula box this morning and made me think back of Kaleo and the things he told me what the box represents. From then on I knew that he was someone I wanted to marry. A strong man like him, with a few words but words that stays with you forever. Then I think back of Nagib and I realise how similar they both are. They were both big size, quiet, shy, great listener, love my jokes and the crazy me. I'm just so wild compared to them and they just love looking at me do my thing. However, both of them also shared the same killer temper. Not afraid to get into fights with everyone but me.

So may be that's why I think I'm so damn great.

Men have to worship the ground I walk on. I trained them to satisfy me but they must accept that BJ is not my thing. I can have sex but only missionary is allowed. I hate sex but if I climax, I'll give in. So what makes men want to be with a girl like me? Yes I get that all the time.
Love.
With me that they know what love is. It is just not like others they have been with. It might sound crazy but I generate love. My love never fades over the years but it grows. While many relationship turn dull over time, mine gets more exciting. I think it's all this energy I have. My mind is like 7-11, operating all the time. I make men feel that I treasure every second which I do. Bottomline is, I feed their ego and that's really all that is important not the number of BJs you can do, believe me.

July 2007

I am so tired. I have worked so hard these past 2 weeks or is it more? Time passed me by and I am not sure how long it has been.

Yesterday the weidest sweet thing happen. I made a connection with a band member. It just happens. When someone nice comes along the frequency seem to catch me. I don't even know his name.

These vibes were connecting us and making it known that we needed to talk to each other. He looked at me and gave me the sincrerest smile. Not one of those 'hook-me-up' smile. Wherever I stood he came close, pretended to look around. I guess he was thinking of how to talk to me. But you see, I don't want him to talk to me. Even an idiot can tell that this WILL LEAD to something.
Why risk starting something with no good ending?

When he left, he look through me and asked if I will be there this evening. I shook my head. He gave a sad smile. I kept thinking of him since. What a Story huh?

You know even when I don't want it, good guys like that comes along. God is testing me. Oh yes, he is. Stop it.When I walked, I walked with my head down. Even when they looked and whistled I walked straight. Even he was cute and half naked with blue eyes I walked passed him without meeting the eyes. I wear my wedding band everyday. But why you make me meet him?

He flies off today. Please don't come back.

Update on me: I have rented out both my rooms in a period of one week. I mean, I would never have thought things will move this quickly. I am trying to adapt to this new life. I am not use to having people in my house. I hope this is worth it.

Chann, May's boyfriend moved in. That's not too bad. At least he is my best friend boyfriend. I got a little issue with the Ang Moh and Thai Wife. They are around too much for comfort. Whatever.

Nagib and me going through some tough times. We are so tired most of the time and we have petty querrels. (That's not why the band member guy happen okay?)

I worked really hard for a good life. I sacrifice my privacy in hope to clear my debts. All I need really is someone who appreciates it and walk through it with me. Not putting me down, complaining and step over me.
I
I am just a girl who trying to keep my marriage, make enough money & wanting to be love.

August 8 2007
We celebrated Jey's Birth on 7 / 7 / 07 at Movida. It was such a fun night. I didn't get that drunk which was good. I had just enough to stay happy and notice all the cute guys around me. ;)

My sister really pissed me off yesterday. The thing I hate most is people who come and talk to me with issues that they have no grounds on. They hear a few things and make up their own conclusion and accuse you of things that they have no idea of. I don't have tolerance for people like that. As it is I am a very short tempered person. However I usually don't get pissed off that easily, especially in front of them. (I go home and start cursing, Hahaha!).

I am the same with my friends. I don't querrel with them. It takes a lot, I mean a lot, believe me, to get me nasty to someone. When I do explode, I find it very hard to be the same again. Either I get more nasty or I become completely neutral. I just lost all feelings for that person. It happens 3 times in my life. Once in primary school, then in Sec 2 and in poly. They never got my friendship back.

Post National Day - 16 August 2007

I just love this picture. Look at me I just look so cool. That's my youth team with our MP, Dr Maliki.

My life has so much drama lately. I mean it is not suppose to be like that.

What do you do when you meet the man that you think could be your soulmate? Is Soulmate just over-rated or is it a term where women just find comfort in hearing. I mean do you really have to be with someone whom you are fated to be with. What if you go against fate? Does that mean that you won't be happy and God will do all he can to set you against who you are suppose to be.

What if already chosen your life, what happen when the 'soulmate' comes along? Do we just leave and be with them? Or do we stay and continue to struggle. Or do we dare to do something about it.

I took that step that could lead to the unknown. I took it because I needed to know that this is NOT IT. I have to convince myself that this IS the life that I want. And anyone that comes in after that, they are not THE ONE. However, what if it turns around and he might be the one that makes me happy forever. Are we gonna stay in our ONE life knowing that this is not or do we plunge into the unknown and pray for the best. Life is not easy. We must take that scary step. Only then are we living.