Journal6

Am I a one-man woman? August 2006

Oh... when I see this picture I am reminded of the beauty of love and marriage. How two people decide one day that they wanna be together for the rest of their lives. Is there anything more wonderful than this?

I never thought I would be capable of this kind of one man woman kind of love but it happen to me, at 24 mind you. Then I think, people get married to have that someone to be there thorughout their lives. To justify their existence. Well if you are alone there will be days that you will feel that your life don't have much meaning to it as it should. I mean there is still meaning of course but not as much as it should.

Friends, Are we losing them to Globalisation & Technology? 31 October 2006

This topic is probably deep, but think about it friends hardly see friends in person anymore. It's weird that I see my non-friends more than real friends. The people I call friends, like seriously those who went through shit with you, I meet them on MSN and text messages. I miss those days that we just HAVE time for each other without having to book them 2 weeks in advance and still get told they are not sure if they can make it or just don't turn up all together or worst they even bother to get back to you. Sometimes I think of this I cry. Yes, tears of desperation and frustration of what this world has come into. Though I do appreciate some technology that enables me to vend my feeling on this page, most of the time it just sucks!
I feel like I am the only person on this planet trying escape this reality and try to have "face time" with people I care about. Well okay some of them I have not gotten any "face time" with them until I almost forgot what they look like. I mean seriously, yes I do remember how they may look like but anything in details I have to go check my MSN and hopefully they do post their photo there. Don't anyone agree how scary this gets?
It is just pathetic how one day your husband is the only person you have quality face time with cos he sleeps there with you at night. Your kids? they are probably busy in their own little world and a text message is all you will ever get of them to assure you of their existence.

C'mon people, give yourself more credit. You still deserve to be humans. Well at least give people like me a chance to see your real face alright?

February 2007 - Nic Alone? Are You?

Are we indeed alone at the end of the day? I was questioned today by my life partner as to why I was talking to myself. Actually I was conversing. There was a conversation going on. With who you wonder? My imaginery friend name Mike. Totally mental huh? Well believe it or not people actually talk to themselves most of the time. The question is whether they realise it.

I fell out with a friend recently when I allow my inner feelings to speak. Many of times before we say something, our inner feelings tell the brain, the brain digest it and the mouth speaks out. Depending on how nice (or not so nice) a person you are, it filters accordingly.
However sometimes when the brain constantly digest what the inner feelings wishes to say, inner feelings gets built up which becomes hurt. Hurt is such a strong feeling and as it gets built up, no brain power can keep it down no more. That's where the true feeling also called "the truth" comes out.

That's where we say "The truth hurts".

It might caused you to lose someone you care about or it could bring them closer. 'Cos finally the air is clear and everyone could stop trying to be nice and polite. That is where real relationship can finally be develop. Well until you reach this stage of a relationship with a man, don't go marrying him yet!

Enough of Nic's Biology Lesson, let's get back to Nic Alone part. Actually I came up with this Nic Alone thing because my photo above file is called that. So that's kind of an inspiration topic!

I have been told by my past boyfriends & my family then I am socailly-dependent. They tell me that I have some kind of "being-alone phobia". That if I were to be alone for more than a day I'll go nuts. Well, it is the truth. I don't know why or if my childhood got anything to do with it but if I am left alone for half a day I get figety.

I remember when I was younger, I couldn't take break ups. I grew up mostly alone by myself, I constantly crave my boyfriend's attention and needed friends. Lots of them. I constantly allow friends to walk all over me cos I needed them. When they are not with me I get anxiety attacks. I cry to myself and my heartbeat race like crazy. Until today I am not sure if I really got over my "illness". However I wonder if there is anyone like me, constantly need to be validated.

Today, I am more self-assured. I don't allow friends to take me for granted. I don't allow men to make use of me. At the end of the day, people who care about you, they will be there at the end of the day. I don't have to pretend and be someone I am not to be acceptable to them.

April 2007 - Is it possible to be friends with male species?
Santa had a heart attack. I've been checking on him more than a few times this week. Over these times, many things happen. I have been meeting people that I have never met and people that I should meet much earlier before...well y'know.

Being around Terror Club area so much this week, takes me back to old memories of how my life used to be. How I used to feel that my life finally found somewhere to fit in. I never fit in anywhere. From primary 4, my form teacher use to feel that I speak with an accent. I grew up believing in mutual respect. That to respect a parent, the parent must respect their children as well. I grew up fighting for my rights, to be heard.
I wasn't your typical Asian girl. I just didn't fit in. I was vocal, direct and loud. I love Victoria Secrets, Sex in the City, Friends & Grey's. By 21 I was your Cosmo Girl, reading every issue of it. I dated Chinese guys only to find out that they don't take me seriously. The think that a girl that they bring home to their mother has to be your typical quiet, submissive, sweet and with no friends. I am everything but those. It came to a point that I thought, "that's enough". My own people won't accept me for who I am. Am I not normal?

Then came the first American guy in my life who found my traits appealing. He was not intimidated by my love of knowledge and politics or my big personality. As times goes by, I found myself drawn more and more to wanting to be around these people. Then from then on, in one way or another i never really left.

So could I be an example of a mismatch by God? He dropped me at the wrong place?