You know, I just thought.....
Nobody's ever asked me any questions.
I wish they had, but they hadn't.
Well, I'm going to build this page anyway, but I shall fill it with the questions which I've ready-made answers for, but which nobody's asked.
Well, some have been asked.
Just not a lot.
And not often.
In any event, I guess the title is none too accurate now, eh?
(Hypothetically Asked Questions)
I'm glad you asked. It all started back in my old QuizBowl days. One of my best friends on the team was a guy named Pickle. It's got to be great being named Pickle; it's an instant nickname. Nicknames have never stuck to me all that well. Anyway, he had with him The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner, the last album Ben Folds Five put out before they broke up. Now, on the cover of this album was a guy wearing a nice suit and a pair of aviator shades. Now, since this was one of the first QuizBowl tournaments of the year we decided to dress nicely, and so I was wearing a nice suit and a pair of aviator shades. For the remainder of the season, I was Mr. Messner. I retained the name later on when I chose it to be my Internet pseudonym for what various fol-de-rol I might be about.
But why was this album titled thusly? Well, according to the liner notes, when the members of Ben Folds Five (Ben Folds, Robert Sledge, and Darren Jessee) were growing up in Charlotte, N.C., they were told that the most inconspicuous name to put on a fake I.D. was Reinhold Messner. This tidbit of information (perhaps a fabrication on the part of the "benevolent" acquaintance who imparted this information) stuck with them through the years, so when it came time to find a name for their last album, they shrugged and thus dubbed it.
It didn't occur to them until the record was in post-production that Reinhold Messner might be an actual person. Turns out, he was the first man ever to climb Mt. Everest solo, and without oxygen.
This is one of my favorite albums of all time.
A spectrum of running gags gone completely out of hand, that's who. The name is Gershefnefield Ambisiduloskidrov, but don't worry about spelling; I don't think I've spelled it twice the same way in the history of my press releases.
The first running gag is the first name. My brother had a short list of first names he would call me, or anyone else for that matter, which were synonymous with geeks. Herschel was one of them, I think... it's been some time ago. If anybody named Herschel is reading this and is sincerely offended, than I have an apology to match the level of your sincerity. However, I would also advise you to lighten up. No, there were a few of these names, and I don't remember thme too well, but somewhere through the years, I combined them all together to make one name, "Gerscheven" or something like that -- randomly adding "field" one day just to make the name even longer and more unrememberable.
As for Ambisiduloskidrov, this is from my favorite knock knock joke I had made up in high school:
Knock Knock.
*Who's there?
Ambisiduloskidrov.
*Ambisiduloskidrov who?
Oh, come on! How many people do you know named "Ambisiduloskidrov!?"
I really got more enjoyment out of that joke than it warranted. I don't think it ever went off without a hitch; nobody could ever pronounce "Ambisiduloskidrov" with the quickness necessary for a good knock knock joke.
This last statement is, of course, presupposing the existence of so mythical a creature as "the good knock knock joke."
The final bit is from yet another unrelated joke. People would ask me, "Where do you get your jokes?" I know this website is no indication, but I tell jokes from time to time. I would answer that there was a leprechaun sitting on my shoulder. And where did he get his jokes? Well, the answer was of course that he had a leprechaun sitting on his shoulder. And where did that leprechaun get his jokes? I know know, I guess he's just creative.
When I first started writing The Edward Hopper Papers for my school paper, I would scan the articles and send .jpegs out to my subscribers. It was then that the name and the leprechaun became one. Whenever a joke went too far, or was just moronic, he would show up and punch me in the face with a nice, onomotopaeic "THWAP". In this way, he is the voice of my poor, downtrodden subscribers.
Technically, that's not a question, but, since you're not even asking, I'll let it slide.
No, actually I quite like Garrison Keillor. The reason he keeps showing up in my press releases as a malevolent force is yet another running gag. In the early days of the press releases, back when it was The Edward Hopper Letters, I decided at one point that I wanted to start incorporating a running plotline in my emails, other, of course, than the running plotline of my life. The beginning was an inauspicious one: Closing an email (I do not remember off the top of my head which one it was; you'll have to check the Archives), I simply wished my friends and family goodbye, saying "That's all the news from Lake Woebegone, where all the men are strong, the women good looking..." And before I could finish this, Garrison Keillor sailed in through my window and kidnapped me for copyright infringement.
Future emails would have found me traveling the world, running from Garrison Keillor's underground band of minions, furtively relating my week's adventures to whomever cared to listen or, as is more often the case, couldn't figure out how to block my email address.
I soon got bored with these plans, and the subplot was never seen again.
Gosh... Here's an old article from my column, The Edward Hopper Papers, in which I make a stab at explaining that.
By the way, I know that it should say "Rene Magritte," not "Henri Magritte."
Enjoy.
No?
Tough.
