Part 1: Fun on the Farm 2003

Part II: Science and War

Here we have your normal Australian Eucalyptus or "Gum" tree. Everything looks normal, doesn't it? Have caution my friends. We are surrounded by treacherous monsters and we don't even know it. We are as babes in the woods. Babes in the woods who are, like, totally uprepared for the conditions and wearing a bikini for no apparent reason while we lose our car keys packing up the potato salad and there's suddenly scary music playing. Have FEAR! Things are not as they seem.

I have found out that there is a plant that would make the most dangerous abomination from Lord of the Rings look like a plush, cotton-filled facsimile of a Shih-Tzu terrier. It's called Mistletoe. Now, I am not talking about your lame American crap which you snog people under when hung over a doorway at Christmas and goes good in salads. NO! I am talking about an Australian variety of the parasitic plant that attaches itself to a healthy gum tree, then sucks it's blood and guts out through the branches to feed itself. It is the vampire, the evil Nosferatu, of the plant world.
And it can kill.
 
 
 
  So I cooked up a plan to rid the world of these frickin' evil bloodsuckers. You better run, you millions of Mistletoe plants! One of the main prolems with Mistletoe is that, just like vampires in a nightclub, they're really hard to spot. They blend into the background. You have to have a good knowledge of your enemy in order to nail them to the floor and kill them with a hot glue gun up the nostrils. Check out this picture. Can you see the satan's evil? They're here, and here -- I've shown you in the red circles.
 
 
 
  Take heed with this information my dear friends, your children will live longer and it may save your life.
 
 
 
 
 
  Take a look at these leaves. Don't they look just like Gum leaves? Don't be so foolish! They are squishy like lettuce and smell nothing like eucalyptus oil when you crush them. These are the evil fingers of the MISTLETOE!!!
 
 
 
 
 
  Check out these green pods. You'll see them from a distance, and probably think "aah, some lovely gum-nuts". But wait! Why aren't they woody? And gum-nut shaped?!?!?
 
 
 
 
 
  PAY ATTENTION, STUPID! As you can see, when put under the microscope that these are satanic and pig-slaughtering reproductive pods of the MISTLETOE!!! They are easily identified by their vicious and kooky-looking penis-shaped alien bits. You may never sleep again!
 
 
 
 
 
  Now take a look at this bushel of gum leaves. Can you see how it's all black, spidery and hangs down like willow branches? GUM TREE, MY ARSE!!! IT'S THE EVIL MISTLETOE!
 
 
 
 
 
  Check this shit out. This is where the evil penis-shaped seed drives into the poor gum tree's FLESH with it's roots, carving into the BLOODSTREAM, so it can SUCK IT'S GUTS OUT!!!!!
 
 
 
 
 
  Here's another gory picture. If you have little kids, you should put them to bed right now. And if you have a weak stomach, don't say I didn't warn you.
 
 
 
 
 
  LIFE CYCLE OF EVIL. You might ask, if this plant doesn't grow on the ground like other plants, how does it ever seed and replant itself? Good question! The answer is because Mistletoe is FUCKING EVERYWHERE in the evil places where it flourishes (Adelaide).

Here's how it works. Mistletoe grows out of the gum tree's PENETRATED BODY CAVITY and sprouts it's PENIS-LIKE SEEDS, which these fucking little birds eat. And then -- this is the most sadistic part of this whole, awful true story. These seeds make the little bird's SHIT AS STICKY AS SUPERGLUE! Holy fuck! Can you believe it?!? So what happens is the god-damned little bird DANCES ALONG THE BRANCH of our poor fucking victimised gum tree, WIPING IT'S ARSE!!!! And this superglue-poo is just loaded with the spawn of Beelzebub -- those evil little penis-shaped seeds. Which immediately stab into and start killing poor innocent Mr Gum Tree. And repeat.

So what are we going to do about this??? We're going to KICK SOME ASS, that's what! Now, having seen this movie called Evil Dead III: Army of Darkness, I know that the best way to fight UNDEAD EVIL monsters is with SCIENCE!

That's right, science. Because our enemies are not your garden variety, easy-to-kill creatures. Nonononono. The vast majority of these gore-swilling asshats are located many metres from the ground. Like, say 15 metres. Easy, I hear you shout. So jump in a helicopter and rappell down with a pair of scissors, and give them what-for!

Believe me, nothing would give me more pleasure than that. But I must stress something you might not be aware of: a thing called "the economics of warfare". Obviously I could easily rent a helicopter and a pair of scissors and swing through the branches like fucking Tarzan. But it would be expensive, considering the low number of slain enemies, what I call "the bodycount".

And as I'm sure you can appreciate, we want to kill a seriously large number of these bastards. To have a bodycount as big or bigger than the American national debt. So we need to take these economics, the economics of warfare, into account. We want the greatest bodycount-per-dollar. How can we do this? With SCIENCE.

Using SCIENCE I have turned the problem of helicopter-rappelling on it's head. I have made it topsy-turvy. Upside-down. Instead of flying in from 15 hundred metres at 260 kilometres per hour, I will RISE UP TO THE TREE from ONE METRE and attack it with a LONG RANGE WEAPON, instead of scissors.

This unique and amazing method of attack makes the entirely plausible helicopter/scissors approach slightly obsolete. Instead of a helicopter, I will use a tool of science called a LADDER. Instead of the long rope, harness and scissors, I will use a bold new invention, not available in stores, which I call the SAW-POLEAXE.
 
 
 
 
 
  See here the mighty SAW-POLEAXE prototype. The SAW-POLEAXE is mounted on a massive, two metre stainless steel pole.
 
 
 
 
 
  We must also consider that merely shouting "tally ho" and launching an assault with a pair of scissors is not enough. The regenerative powers of the un-dead Mistletoe require a COMPLETE AMPUTATION from below the limb! And scissors, while certainly a fearsome weapon, are not up to the task.
 
 
 
 
 
  See here the complete "Assault Loadout" for facing the fearsome MISTLETOE.
 
 
 
 
 
  See how incredibly long the SAW-POLEAXE is. It is truly a mighty weapon.
 
 
 
 
 
  Having identified our FOE, selected a TARGET, and instigated a PLAN OF ATTACK, we must simply TAKE ACTION! Here we are assessing the state of the enemy.
 
 
 
 
 
  And here, we launch the attack! A very gradual, deadly dance of airborne sawing begins! We are showered with the severed parts of the beast as it bucks and heaves to avoid certain death!
 
 
 
 
 
  Delivering Justice to the horticultural universe!
 
 
 
 
 
  Death to the infidels! And we deliver the final blow!
 
 
 
 
 
  Their spiderish carcass falls from the heavens with a crash! Their bones splinter and crack! Huzzah! Justice is a dish best served cold!
 
 
 
 
 
  As fast as SCIENCE could carry us, we were too late to save some victims. Here we see the damage left at the end of the Mistletoe life-cycle.
 
 
 
 
 
  This gnarled and contorted wound is a sombre reminder of the dangers that await us all! Arm yourself with a SAW-POLEAXE today!
 
 
 
 
 
 

(C) Cactus industries 2003
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