October 26, 2003
Fork Rights
Next week Congress will examine a bill, the Federal Fork Act, which critics contend will give equal rights to inanimate objects. This legislation, long in the making, is promoted primarily by the People Incredibly Sensitive To Oppressed Forks (PISTOF). An organization spokes object claims the legislation is long overdue. “Many forks are not cleaned immediately after use, or cleaned improperly. And most tragically, forks made of plastic are often victims of abandonment, discarded as common trash. This is a first step in correcting a grave injustice to the utensil community.”
Most experts agree Congress will give the bill a rubber stamp. Cultural Psychologist Jamie Leafenblower points out “Statistics indicate Blacks and Latinos, percentage wise, use far more plastic forks than whites in comparable age groups.” One congressman, under condition of not being named, said the bill will encounter little resistance. “It’s political dynamite. No one wants to vote “no” on this one.”
Those close to President Bush say he is privately in opposition but will not consider using his veto power for fear of making the democrats mad.
Democrat presidential hopeful Al Sharpton is angry. “George Bush and the forks! George Bush was born to silverware! George Bush has the silverware in his mouth! But the black man is expected to use the plastic utensil! But the plastic man, er fork, is tossed away. Enron! Iraq! And now the forks!”
Those close to President Bush say he is privately upset but will not consider responding publicly for fear of making black people mad.
Others of note are speaking out as well. Sean Hannity with “Who are these PISTOF people? Why they’re nothing but sniveling liberals who hate America. It’s obvious isn’t it?” Ted Kennedy claims “Bush is lying to the American people and only wants silverware for the rich”. Barbara Striesand sent a memo for public distribution to New York democrat Charles Rangel, which is a little odd since he isn’t her congressman, saying “Why should one thing, say a human being, be considered to be superior to another thing, for instance a fork?”
Those close to President Bush say it is unlikely he will make a public statement for fear people or forks will get mad.
Legal scholars agree the future of this legislation is bright. “Bush won’t veto this” says one of them. “That leaves it squarely in the hands of the Supreme Court.” And the Supreme Court is unlikely to over turn most portions of the bill. “It’s no longer a given that conservative appointed judges will link decisions directly to the Constitution.” Says another. “Opinion matters.”
Perrie Ma’son, from the French Institute of Foreign Studies, likes what he sees. “It is encouraging to see the people of America focus on things of leetle importance, the how you say, er, bool’ sheet----“
didley~ didley~ didley~ didley~ didley~ didley~ didley~ didley~ didley~ didley~ didley~ didley~
Hey it was all a dream. I guess it’s safe to go back to sleep. Nothing that silly could ever happen here.