Edo X: Pope of Poquoson

Edo X

The Pope of Poquoson

The Pope of the 21st Century

Have you thought about your future? Or more importantly, have you thought about the future of the Catholic Church? Lord knows I have. I know that when the going gets tough, the Catholic Church has always been there to incite the fear of God to calm the masses. They burn the heathen and kill the infidel everyday so you can go about your daily lives. Now I think it's time we repaid the Catholic Church. That is why I wish to be Pope: to lead the Church into the 21st Century.

Damn, I make an Excellent Pope

Now I know what you are thinking, "Why do we need a new Pope?" Truth be told, our current pope isn't doing so well. Old age has seriously altered his perception. He no longer believes he is Pope John Paul II. His advisors and cardinals were told to refer to him only as Birdman. Though his heart is in the right place, he is not a cartoon superhero. He doesn't even have wings. What Catholicism really needs is a Pope-like superhero, much like Pope Edo X.

Pope John Paul II (left) thinks he is Birdman (right).

Not only does the current Pope believe he is a cartoon superhero, is also believes he is playing in the 1980 Olympic Ice Hockey Championship. "By Will of God," he has said, "I shall perform a 'Miracle on Ice' and the United States will beat the Soviets. Yay Capitalism." His state right now is truly sad. Many wonder if the Pope will last another year before he finally passes on. He, however, is only worried about whether he can finish his "hockey game" before evil strikes again and he must transform into Birdman. His passing will be a sad day in the Catholic faith and in the hockey rink, but the world must move on. With his death, a man will have to step up and take the role as Pope. I believe that man is me. I can steer the Papacy in a direction greater than the Vatican State has already been reigned. "But how," you might ask? Many ways, my son, new ways that will lead to a great rise in Catholicism.

He shoots, he scores: Pope 1, Evil 0.

First, I shall move the Vatican to a remote corner of North American which some call Poquoson. Poquoson is a great spread of marsh, water, and the random redneck known only as "Bubba." A drastic move many might say, but the old Vatican is just that, old. We need a New Vatican City with a new Pope. Catholics everywhere will be proud. Why Poquoson? With a New Vatican comes the prosperity of the area around it. As Catholics we need to expand and help those around us, so Poquoson seems like the ideal place. The remoteness of this area, as can clearly be seen in the pictures to the right, will allow for a continous expansion of the Vatican, and with it the expansion of the Catholicism. We as Catholics shall buy up this land and create a new nation, the Poquoson Papal State. Around it shall grow Poquoson, a separate city still part of the United States, yet closely intergrated into the Papal Entity. Now that we have made plans to move our Holy Capital to it's new state, I have other issues to deal with as the newly established Holy Pope, namely the generation of revenue for the construction of the new Papal States. One way we shall cover the expense of the Poquoson Vatican is the assets from the old Vatican.

Poquoson, Virginia prior to the construction of the new Vatican

Poquoson, Virginia after the Creation of the Poquoson Papal State

Any God fearing man knows that you can't sell Church property to common laymen. That's why a double solution has presented itself! We shall make greedy business leaders into priests, bishops, and cardinals. That way we are just redistrubing God's wealth among the Clergy, while at the same time spreading the word of God. The businesses can act as churches, and millions of employees shall work to the sounds of monks chanting. We can sell millions of dollars worth of art and the Vatican to cover the expense of resettlement. An excellent plan from an excellent Pope. With ideas like this, why didn't we elect Edo X Pope years ago?

Papal Funds come from selling Art and Architecture

Another problem facing the Catholic church today is male priests sexually assaulting underaged boys. Pope Edo X is outraged by this, and has decided after he is elected to disband all male priests from their preaching positions. This may seem like a drastic move, but deperate times call for unreasonable Church doctrine. That is why Edo X has decided to open the priesthood to women from the ages of 19 to 35. This women will have to pass a strict test of knowledge, faith, and proper grooming habits, including being attractive. This will get all the men, young and old, to come into the glory that is the Catholic Church. You may ask, won't this progress into the same sexual abused as with the male priests? Possibly. But if you knew you were gonna get abused by a 19 year old nun named Violet, wouldn't you come to church on Sunday and Wednesday? The out dated nun uniform has many bad qualities. First, they are too heavy and very hot in the summer heat. Also, all that fabric is cumbersome and hard to clean. That is why Pope Edo X has designed a new habit for the nuns to preach in. This close-fitting latex outfit adapts well to any envirnoment Sister Violet decides to get on her knees and pray at. It's also easy to clean. The black high heels add precious inches to Violet's height so she can see over her parish with ease. This new look is even pleasing to the eyes. The Lord has surely blessed us with this new sleek and stylish outfit and it's prefect for any service or ceramony that Sister Violet might attend. Let's just hope that Sister Violet isn't really your sister.

Sister Violet prepares for Service

After a nun passes her 35th birthday, or if by some chance she suddenly is not attractive, she would be sent off to do mission work in some third world country. Dedicated to fighting off the infidel, these specially trained nuns are often set into the most remote locations to do the Good Lord's work. Armed only with a bible, a bulletproof habit, a Remington 20 gauge shotgun and a pair of Rugers, the nuns send the heathen start to the deepest fiery depths of Hell. They shoot first and ask God later. They are the front line of the Catholic Church's struggle to convert the unbelievers. Their struggle to educate is truly a great part of the Catholic Church.

Martha (right) and the Girls after a "raid" in Vietnam

Saint of the Week

Sometimes it's the little guy who needs to be canonized. Who could be more little of a guy then some random mexican? He doesn't speak English, and didn't understand when I asked what his name was, but Saint Random Mexican has perform a great many miracles in his time. Not only did he miracuously enter this country, the disappearance of any form of identification signifies that a miracle happen. He provides cheap labor to countless construction sites and Walmarts, helping them roll back prices, always. Saint Random Mexican may not be a great Catholic like we would expect from Saints of Edo X, but the cool ass hat surely makes up for any non-Catholicism. Plus he makes a great taco, and his bottle of Tequila makes for an excellent margarita.

Saint Random Mexican: Builder of the 21st Century

But before I can be pope, I need to be elected by the Holy Order of Cardinals. But for that to happen I need your help. Yes, you, my son, can have an impact on the religious chaos that will be dominating a Catholic Church near you. Simply sign the guest book with your prayers and wish, and surely God will listen. The Pope needs your support. The Catholic Church needs your support. Go now, and spread the love and fath that Pope Edo X has tried to instill in your hearts today. Remember, if you can't trust the Pope, who can you trust? Maybe God, but the Pope is much easier to make happy.

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