EXT.  COLLEGE LAWN—DAY

 

LASZLO TREBBLE, a smooth man in all black, stands aimed at passing students.

 

LASZLO

You, there!

 

STU is caught making reflexive eye contact.

 

LASZLO (Cont’d)

Yes, you, sir!  What is your name, sir!

 

STU

Stu.

 

Laszlo offers his hand, Stu takes it.

 

LASZLO

Stu, real pleased to meet you.  I’m Laszlo Trebble, call me Laszlo.

 

STU

Hi, Laszlo.

 

LASZLO

Why, hello, sir!  Tell me, Stu, have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?

 

STU

Technically.

 

LASZLO

“Technically”?  How’s that work?

 

STU

Like, he says some real beautiful things that I try to live by, so I guess in that respect, I have.

 

LASZLO

Interesting.  How’s that make you feel, Stu?

 

STU

Okay.  Gives me perspective when I’m frustrated.

 

LASZLO

You get frustrated a lot?

 

STU

No more than anyone, I imagine.

 

LASZLO

Ah hah.  What about your Mother?

 

STU

She gets frustrated too, yeah.

 

LASZLO

No, what’s your relationship with her like?

 

STU

Fine?

 

LASZLO

And your sex life?

 

STU

Whoa.  Listen, man—

 

LASZLO

Laszlo.

 

STU

—Laszlo…I don’t see what that’s got to do with you.  What church are you representing, anyway?

 

A beat.  Laszlo mumbles something.

 

STU (Cont’d)

What was that?

 

LASZLO

American Psychiatric Association.

 

STU

…what’re you…doing out here?

 

LASZLO

Faith-based initiative and this new Republican America’s eating away at our clientele numbers.  Figured…couldn’t hurt.

 

STU

I find this hard to buy.

 

LASZLO

Which part are you struggling with, Stu.

 

STU

Oh, stop that.

 

LASZLO

What?  The holies tell you WHAT to believe, and we ask you what you’d LIKE to believe.  Is that so wrong?

 

STU

You represent a tradition of science and reason.  A tradition of integrity.

 

LASZLO

Which is why I only half-charge for these lawn sessions!