The scene opens with a large, well-built, middle age gentleman in a three-piece suit walking from STAGE LEFT to CENTER STAGE. His step is assured, his manners are friendly, and there is no doubt that he feels he knows his place within the world. With each line, he stops and addresses the audience directly.

OSWALD: Hi. I’m Oswald. I’m forty-five. I’ve got a wife, Karen, and two beautiful little girls, Millie and Sally. We live here, in Nowhere, outside the skirts of The City, and inside a beautiful house that we rent, named the Wholi Landing.

OSWALD comes closer to the Landing.

OSWALD: From my understanding, it was founded by a Danish realtor named Hans Wholi – “W-H-O-L-I”, in case you were wondering. People ask me that all the time. It’s a pretty strange name for a house, but well worth answering the same question more times than we wash the dishes.

MILLIE and SALLY can be seen tossing a soccer ball back and forth with each other as OSWALD approaches. A random NEIGHBOR is sitting on a lawn chair in front of his respective house. Upon seeing Oswald approach, the NEIGHBOR gives a friendly wave. MILLE and SALLY run up to OSWALD and hug him.

MILLIE and SALLY: Daddy!

OSWALD: My little princesses! How were your days?

MILLIE: Good, Daddy! We went on a safari in the backyard!

SALLY: And I wrestled a lion!

OSWALD: Really?

MILLIE: Yeah. But Spot wasn’t too happy about being wrestled.

She points to a dog (it can be a stuffed animal) that is lying on its side. Meanwhile, There is an off-stage whistling. WALTER CHURCHMAN walks on STAGE RIGHT, in his own neat three-piece suit, and carrying a neatly stuffed manila folder under his arm.

OSWALD: Girls! Look! It’s Mr. Churchman!

WALTER: Why, hello, Oswald. Hello, girls.

MILLIE and SALLY: Hello, Mr. Churchman.

WALTER: Angels, the both of them. You’re a very lucky man, Oswald.

OSWALD: I’m thankful every day, Mr. Churchman.

WALTER: Please, it’s ‘Walter’. I’d like to talk to you, Oswald.

OSWALD: Sure. Girls, go rehabilitate that poor lion.

MILLIE and SALLY: Yes, Daddy!

The GIRLS run offstage with the dog as OSWALD and WALTER stroll upstage.

WALTER: Now, Oswald, I know how comfortable you and your family have made the Landing for yourselves, and I know that you’ve always been willing to work hard enough to be able to continue renting it from me. So, I now have a proposition for you. How would you like to become the official owner of the Landing?

OSWALD: Well, I mean, of course I’d love to own it, but I just don’t have that kind of money right now, Mr. Chur – err, Walter.

WALTER: Hence the purpose of this proposition, Os. I’ve recently acquired a grant to start up a chain of townhouses in The City, but don’t have enough money for a full assembly crew. You come and do some of the harder manual labor for me for maybe a month or two, and I’ll GIVE you the Wholi Landing.

OSWALD: Wow. A full month, that’s quite a bit of time, there.

WALTER: I’ll take care of all expenses for your family while you’re away.

OSWALD: Jeez. This is all pretty sudden. Ahm…okay. Okay, I’ll go, I suppose.

Scene Two: On the Road back to Nowhere

OSWALD enters from STAGE LEFT. His clothes are modest and just as filthy as he is.

OSWALD: That was some pretty miserable work, but it’ll all be worth it to go back to see my family and my house.

As he continues walking, he comes across his family, who seemingly has everything they own either on or around them. OSWALD first gives a shocked glance, but regains composure as he speaks to them by picking up random items and trying to coax them along with him.

OSWALD: C’mon, guys, what are you doing out here?

KAREN: Churchman evicted us, Oswald. He gave the Landing to some well off family who were moving out of a rough neighborhood.

OSWALD: Ahh, no, honey. The Landing is ours. Remember? That’s why I left for a month?

KAREN: Yeah, well, we were screwed. The Newhouse family felt pity and gave us enough money to go find a place. That added to our savings, we really only have enough to afford a one-room apartment in The Slums.

OSWALD: …I can’t believe this.

KAREN: Then don’t. But help us move as you disbelieve. Come on, girls.

KAREN and the GIRLS walk off STAGE LEFT, each with a large bundle. OSWALD stays still for a moment, his face blank. He then picks up the leftovers of the possessions and follows.

Scene Three: Outside the Wholi Landing

OSWALD enters STAGE RIGHT, talking to himself. He is dressed in his three-piece suit, but it is crumpled and a little dirty. His hair and face look mildly disheveled. Several NEIGHBORS slowly start to come on stage from random directions as his monologue proceeds.

OSWALD: Yesterday, Millie nearly had a heart attack because just as she was about to turn on the bath faucet, an entire horde of small roaches crawled out and started flying around the room. Sally hasn’t slept in the last three days because small pieces of degenerating roof plaster keep falling onto her bed. Karen hasn’t smiled since I last saw her in the Landing. So, it comes down to this. Revenge. I thank you all for being here. Your loyalty to an old friend is really flattering. Now, does everyone remember the layout of where in the yard I showed you all to hide?

The NEIGHBORS nod and chant in general agreement. OSWALD takes a carton of eggs from behind his back. The NEIGHBORS do the same.

OSWALD: Good. Then arm yourselves, and the best of luck to all of you.

The stage lights dim, as the NEIGHBORS and OSWALD take different places around the Landing, each pantomiming throwing eggs from their cartons. The sound of Police sirens can be heard over the loudspeaker. All the NEIGHBORS quickly flee, and OSWALD is left alone in the spotlight. He freezes.

Scene Four: Nowhere Police Department

OSWALD can be seen sitting in a chair at a desk, across from a compassionate-looking Police Chief BOB CLEMENS. He looks uncomfortable and a little frightened.

CLEMENS: Thankfully for you, the Newhouse family won’t be pressing charges. Darn it all, Oswald, why’d you have to do that? You’ve been an upstanding citizen of Nowhere for years.

OSWALD: Because I’m not a citizen any more, Bob. I wish I was. I know what I did was wrong, but come on, look at my situation.

CLEMENS: You and me have been pals for a while, Os. But what you did really was wrong, and you’re QUITE lucky that Mr. Newhouse was planning on having the Landing repainted, anyways. He really is a nice guy, you know.

OSWALD: I’ll bet.

CLEMENS: Look, it wasn’t him that evicted you – that was that snake, Churchman. Go home and calm down, buddy. You’ll work, you’ll save, and before long enough, you’ll be back in Nowhere, writing your cockroaches postcards.

OSWALD: Yeah, I guess you have a point, Bob.

CLEMENS: I always do. Heh. Go back to your wife, Os.

OSWALD leaves the Police Station. As he proceeds to walk off STAGE RIGHT, he runs into a mass of REPORTERS. As they speak, he starts looking dizzy and disoriented.

A REPORTER: Oswald! Oswald! There have been reports that you were under the influence of heroin when you egged the Wholi Landing – your response?

A REPORTER: Oswald! How do you feel about the recent allegations made by Mr. Walter Churchman that you still owe him two months of pay for when you rented the house?

A REPORTER: Oswald! How could you do such a thing? What will your family think of you now? Will you care?

OSWALD clutches his head and awkwardly runs off STAGE RIGHT, with the REPORTERS (rather slowly) in pursuit.

Scene Five: An Interrogation Room

OSWALD is sitting in a lone chair. His hair is quite disheveled, his suit is even more crumpled and dirty than before, and his eyes are tired and worn. He sits somewhat slumped but otherwise properly. There is a cone of light around him and the chair, but the rest of the stage is black. An ominous VOICE speaks to him from offstage.

VOICE: Welcome, Oswald.

OSWALD: Who are you? I can’t see you, and I don’t recognize your voice.

VOICE: That’s fine. Who I am is unimportant. I might as well be anyone. It’s what I am doing that is necessary to recognize.

OSWALD: And that is?

VOICE: Educating.

OSWALD’s temper kicks in.

OSWALD: What will you be teaching? Anger management for people who have strangers pilfer their domiciles, forcing them to reside within a radioactive compost heap?

The VOICE remains patient with OSWALD as he elaborates.

VOICE: Here’s what you need to understand, Oswald. Sometimes, things happen that shouldn’t. Things that are outright unjust. Things that, in a logical existence, would never occur. But the simple fact of the matter, Os, is that they pop up every day. And it’s not like this is anything new. When the Newhouse family was having trouble in their old neighborhood, did they go on a murderous rampage against all the families who held them down?

OSWALD: No, they did the right thing by walking away and stealing another man’s house. Besides, it was hardly a rampage. I only tried to strangle one of them.

VOICE: You miss the point.

OSWALD becomes very stern and severe.

OSWALD: Wrong, I miss my daughters being able to bathe in warm water. I miss spending money on perfumes for my wife. I miss my house.

The VOICE is obviously beginning to lose some of its patience.

VOICE: So you feel that by killing off the new people in your old house, you’ll be able to give your daughters a hot bath, is that right?

OSWALD: I don’t understand why it is that you can’t just look at this situation and see that I’m the true victim, here. Innocents – hard working, well-respected innocents – were harshly evicted from their residence and thrown into one of the most despicable slums the City has to offer. I fight to regain what never should have been taken in the first place, and suddenly I’m Darth Vader? Jesus Christ, get some perspective.

VOICE: Perspective? Oswald, you egged a man’s house in hopes that it would coax him into surrendering it to you, and, when he refused – and quite mercifully not even pressing charges, I might add – you climbed through his daughter’s window and attempted to strangle her. It doesn’t seem like it’s me who should be evaluating his perspective.

OSWALD: But I –

VOICE: Look. You got screwed. It’s a shame. It really is. But what it all draws down to is this – you’re fighting over a house. It’s a very large wooden box. Is that worth taking someone’s life?

OSWALD: Why don’t you ask the Newhouse family?

VOICE: All right, here’s a hypothetical situation, Os. Let’s say that you took all the energy you used to organize this guerrilla egg raid upon the Landing, all the time you spent upon building up enough rage to actually climb into a second story window and attempt at suffocating an eight year old…and instead of directing it at those goals, putting it towards something a little more productive. For instance, getting a job. By now, you could have raised up enough money to move out of your current apartment to a more…desirable location, even with only a steady minimum wage occupation.

OSWALD: I loyally served this Country in the War! Up until now, I’ve supported a wife and two children, and if my parents were still alive, I’d be sustaining them, too. I’ve more than paid my dues, boyo. I don’t deserve to be knocked down like this.

VOICE: But you were, Oswald. You were knocked down, and you were knocked down hard. But the only thing that’s stopping you from getting right back up and fatally bludgeoning your aggressors in the face is your pride. You’re so wrapped up in what these people have done to you that you can’t even prioritize what’s best for your own family. You think your daughters will be eating much more now that Daddy’s going to jail for a thirty years?

OSWALD: I –

The VOICE interjects ferociously, delivering the line with magnificence and intense fury.

VOICE: Exactly. You. That’s all it is. They hurt you and now you want revenge, no matter the cost. Have you stopped to think about that? It’s kind of scary, really. Well, Captain Ahab, thanks to your drive and persistence, your ship is abducted, and the whale’s laughing as it watches you drown. Now you tell me, Oswald, is this what you wanted?

OSWALD is suddenly taken aback. A look of realization passes over his face. He stares down, somewhat ashamed, at his feet as he uncertainly responds.

OSWALD: I…I…I don’t know. Yes. No. I just don’t know.

The VOICE lowers its tone and calms.

VOICE: We’ve got a lot of work ahead of us, Oswald. It will be quite an education.

OSWALD’s head continues to remain hung. He starts weeping into his hands. FADE TO BLACK.