To his sides sat his wife, Persephone, who managed to be both, plain and stunningly gorgeous at the same time, and his trusted servant, Charon. They fidgeted, unhappy with the certainty of the situation.

“Because,” responded the apparition of Lionus the Child Raping, Woman Slaying, Fanatical Atheist, “I’m allergic to torture?”

Persephone, a delicate creature of empathy, leaned forward with a caring wince.

“You needn’t worry, then, Lionus, for this won’t be torture,” she said. “It will be worse.”

The soul-in-question shifted uneasily, “The stories in the World of the Living don’t portray you as having much of a sarcastic sense of humor, Milady Persephone.”

“She doesn’t,” clarified Charon gloomily, “She was actually phrasing it extraordinarily gently.”

“Does that conclude your defense, then?” Hades kept the trial on track.

“I suppose so,” the condemned spirit slumped. He then lit up, “Any chance I could be sent to the part of Tartars with ample amounts of tender children, chesty red-heads with big, healthy veins, pointy metal sticks and a complete lack of Supreme Beings?”

“That would defeat the point quite a bit, don’t you think?” asked Hades.

The Essence Formerly Known as Lionus considered, “Yes, I guess I can see it. Alright, ready when you are.”

He struck a dramatic pose in preparation. A voice came from the front of the line where the rest of the souls awaited judgment.

“You know the ironic thing, Lionus?” it asked. As everyone focused their attention to identify the speaker, it said, “The creatures capable of living forever hardly ever have a moment to spare, meanwhile, all the little clay lumps of humankind somehow manage to get all the time in the world.”

“Athena!” Charon exclaimed excitedly. He nudged to Hades, “Now THERE’S a broad who’ll keep your oars wet during those long sea voyages, eh?”

Hades ignored him.

“What may I do for you, niece?”

“I’ve come to have an intelligent conversation.”

“Ah. Charming. Ares is busy, then?” Hades coolly mocked.

“We share a common interest in warfare. Do I make fun of your friendship with that bird-headed gentleman from down South?”

“His name is Isis, his head is that of an egret, and we’re not friends. My darling wife just happens to have a predilection for scrambled omnipotent eggs.”

Athena considered. “…what?”

“Oh, they’re marvelous,” defended Persephone sweetly, “Add just a pinch of Nile salt and you might as well forget about ambrosia. You really ought join us for breakfast, Athena; we’d be only too glad to make you a plate—“

“Aunt Persephone, let me restate what Uncle Hades just said. ‘HIS name is Isis, HIS head is that of an egret…my darling wife just happens to have a predilection for HIS scrambled omnipotent eggs.”

Hades’ eyes grew large, “You left out some portions of that!”

“Ah, yes, forgive me,” begged Athena, “I forgot, ‘We’re not friends’.”

Persephone began to give Hades ‘the Look’.

Greenland froze over.

Hades tugged at his collar. “I didn’t say ‘his’ when referring to his scrambled omnipotent eggs?” he tried.

“Yeah, but you just said it then, anyway!” exclaimed Lionus.

Hades pointed an aggravated finger at Lionus who exploded in a blaze of absorbent black and the sound of a velvet sheet being gently rubbed against itself. He then grabbed Athena by the arm and led her out of the Hall.

“I’ll give you intelligent conversation,” he growled.

“What, pray tell, was worth interrupting the protocol you know I hold in such high priority?” Hades demanded of his niece. This was an understatement; he found the protocol more important than life, itself, but saying such would run the risk of pointing out the obvious.

“I’m lonesome, Uncle,” admitted Athena.

Hades stared at her, uncharacteristically thrown by her response.

“You do understand,” he asked with cautious authority, “That I am in a happy relationship with my wife, your Aunt Persephone?”

This was not the angle the multi-talented Goddess had been coming from, and it took her a moment to see what in…well…what in Hades Hades was talking about.

“Oh, Gods,” sighed the Lord of the Underworld, “I knew it, I knew it. The Goddess of Wisdom hangs around Apollo, Zeus and Ares too often and she starts thinking the societal norm is polygamy. Leave it to Testosterone Trio to perverse a strong animal pelt into an undergarment and whatnot.

Look, Athena; when a man and a woman love each other very much—“

“Nonononono,” said Athena, “You misunderstand. I am the Goddess of Wisdom, as you rambled, but…well…there’s no one I can actually, well, Wisdom with.”

“So you come to me,” Hades raised an eyebrow.

“You ARE the Ultimate Reality and the Basis of All Knowledge, or so it’s said.”

Hades crossed his arms and leaned against the smooth marble wall. “And yet it was Zeus’ head you, the Embodiment of Knowledge, popped out of, not mine. Wouldn’t that make my dear brother the Basis?”

“…I never thought of that…”

“Of course not. Because like Knowledge, you are born of Bravado, Arrogance, and Confidence. Why should you stumble upon such a fact?”

“This is what I’m talking about!” exclaimed Athena. “I can’t hear stuff like this from anyone else, because to them; I’m the ultimate!

‘Disagree with Athena?’ they ask. ‘Oh, no, we’d be idiots to do that!’ “

“By definition, they would,” Hades asserted. “But I can’t help but feel as though you miss the point, my dear niece.”

“Howso?”

“I once asked a soul what the greatest point in his entire existence was. Do you know what he responded?”

“Not as such.”

“He said, with very little hesitation, ‘Bathing.’

I reminded him that he lived a long, fruitful life, had a beautiful marriage filled with love and passion, raised a strong and adoring family to be proud of, and managed to provide for everyone important to him. He looked at me and said, ‘Bathing.’

I asked what made it so euphoric above all these other things that many men would kill to have, and he told me it was because he would close his eyes when applying soap.

He would carefully yet scrupulously wash every nuance of himself, leaving no spot unscrubbed, no fold forgotten, no toe unsoaped—sure to keep his eyes wrenched tight all the while. It was a time where he would shut out everything—all friends, family, responsibility, even his own body. He turned logic and intelligence and the search for truth and answers off COMPLETELY and do you know what he found, once all that chatter was silenced, Athena?”

“No,” said Athena.

“Himself.”

“So there are some places where Explanation, itself, cannot have an answer?”

“Clever girl,” smirked Hades. “But then, it’s in your nature. There. Now are you satisfied with our Intelligent Conversation, my dear?”

“Yes and no.”

“Good girl. Now go find me a legitimate bird goddess and bring me back a supply of her eggs. You owe me.”