JEN
You want to tell me why it is that you’re so aggravated lately?

Steve hesitates as he decides upon how to respond to the question.

STEVE
You ever watch The Food Network?

Jen looks befuddled.

JEN
…you’re depressed because Emeril doesn’t make buffalo wings often enough?

STEVE
Cute. Let me explain.
Every show on The Food Network obviously uses ingredients to prepare their dishes.

JEN
I wouldn’t know – I haven’t watched anything since I heard about The Naked Chef…now THOSE are ingredients I don’t want to hear about.

STEVE
Knock it off.
Anyway, I was watching The Food Network one day, and I said to myself, hey, this cook doesn’t mention measurements. He just tosses a predetermined bowl-full into the main pot. The audience doesn’t question how to do it; they’re not there to learn. They’re there to listen to the chef explain about what tastes conglomerate with one another. They’re there for the food.

JEN
I’m still not making the connection, Steve.

STEVE
People put their blind faith into life, Jen. They don’t question where they’re going, how they’re getting there, who’s pulling the reigns, who’s putting what into their food. Just serve them a hot plate and a pretty clarification, and they’re yours. It shouldn’t be like that.

JEN
Look, I know you’ve never been one for organized religion, Steve, but gloominess over the fact that people, in general, are dense? That’s hardly your style.

STEVE
You’re right – but it was enough to get me to thinking. I was on the Internet the next day, and I figured I’d check the Network’s website to see if it had anything for me in my “search for answers”.

JEN
I’m sure Moulder and Scully would be proud.

STEVE
You know what I saw?

JEN
A win-loss record for Iron Chef?

STEVE
Recipes.

Jen gasps melodramatically and puts her hands to her gaping face.

JEN
No! Say it’s not true!

STEVE
The ingredients, I noticed, were in perfect amounts.
“Use three pounds of beef.”
“One cup catsup.”
“One teaspoon brown sugar.”
There are rarely fractions, there’s no sign of anything even remotely fucked up. Everything fits into place. I mean, here is this entire television channel devoted to entrancing and giving the illusion of enlightenment and perfection within this oh-so-fucked-up existence. Things don’t just fall into place like that. It just doesn’t work. Like now…I’m about to explain to you how much I love you – but this wasn’t the time or the conversation I wanted it in. You see? Things don’t fit together as neatly as The Food Network would have us think. It’s not only three cups of molasses and one tablespoon of sugar – it’s “a bunch” and “a dash”.

Jen solemnly stares into Steve’s eyes.

JEN
Steve, you poor man – you have to just enjoy life’s imperfections, because otherwise, they consume you. Now shut up and kiss me.