My name is “Big” Bill Johnson. You’ve all heard a lot about me, no doubt. Some of you skeptics find me a little too right wing. Some of you skeptics think I’m reactionary. But if you want the honest truth, I’m the best presidential candidate you’ll ever see, read about, or imagine…for one reason, in particular. I’m a straight shooter. No matter whether or not you agree with my viewpoints, you will ALWAYS know where I stand on EVERY issue. I don’t hide behind bureaucracy, I don’t worry about hidden politics, and frogs’ll rain from Heaven before I ride a fence.

My opponents, however, are weak. Three tepidly liberal Democrats trying so hard to please every single person in this whole entire nation…not a one of them seems to realize just how impossible that is. Well, I realize it. I’m drawing my lines in the sand while they’re trying to cover the tracks they made in it. They shy from the truth because they feel that if you know what it is that’s truly going on in their minds, you’ll dislike them. Now, don’t get me wrong; they don’t lie, they just omit certain truths. But in doing this, they treat you, the American people, like numbskulls, and every single time they decide to omit another truth, they silently reaffirm how sickeningly little they trust you. Well, I put my foot down, because I trust you. And I don’t just do it for loyal Republicans and my other political supporters. I do it for my country, because I love it and everything it stands for.

I’ve been called a monster for my beliefs. There have been references between myself and a certain demon lord of the Christian faith. But I refer back to that old aphorism in saying, “Better the devil you DO know.” That’s my whole point. I may be a tad extreme for some of you, but I’ll never surprise you, where, I can guarantee, Bruce Wayne is going to do a little more than support cheaper medication in his four years in office. You think Thomas Green is going to spend four years in the Oval Office worrying about Social Security, alone? You think What’s His Name is going to wake up, every day for 1,460 days, and preach the importance of familial values to Congress, the Supreme Court, and our international allies? I hate to break your biscuits, folks, but they ain’t telling you their whole stories. With Bill Johnson, it’s all out on the table; take what you like, leave what you don’t.

Politicians were never meant to be conniving and limp wristed. They were meant to be leaders; strong and brave, willing to do anything for the greater good. I am such a man, and it is a DISGRACE to think that the American people would let ANOTHER lying man into one of the most important jobs in our great country. You think Clinton and Nixon were the only scandalous Presidents? I’ve got news for you; elect me, and I’d be the first honest one. Worth a try, don’t you think?

Thank you, and Christ bless America.