My name is “Big” Bill Johnson. I have many different stances on many different subjects, but one of my strongest beliefs is that we, the United States of America, need to put the “economical” back in “economy”. There are several angles that my administration and I will be taking in order to fully accomplish this “incredible” goal.

First and foremost, we need all the land we can possibly get. “If we extend our arms just as long as they will reach, we’ll have room to do jumping jacks,” as my Ma always said. It is for this reason that I propose we initiate a full-scale invasion of the Canadian lands in an effort to conquer their precious area and gain the resources of their rich forestland. This would enhance our lumber industry hugely, and it is my belief that the few lives me might possibly lose would be inconsequential to the bookoo bucks we’d rake in as a result.

Land can also be found on our nation’s beloved Indian Reservations. It is my proposition that we rescind the rights given to the noble Natives and withdraw the land for governmental and/or economical usage, because let’s face it; it’s been a long time since the American Indians were discriminated against. We’ve paid our dues, repeatedly apologized, rewarded descendents who had nothing to do with the original events, and even changed millions upon millions of history books, just as a show of how sorry we truly are, for over one hundred years. Now, I’m just as big a fan for a good pat on the back as the next man, but you can’t keep expecting it to come. Native American Indians; we’ve paid our dues, and now your country needs you to pay us back a little. And it’s not like this won’t come back to benefit you later on down the road. Remember, this is the AMERICAN economy we’re boosting, here, and in case you’d forgotten, you’re living in America.

We will begin heavily taxing park usage, in both, an effort to make people realize that natural harmony doesn’t come cheaply, and to also put some money in the federal piggy bank. We will also be placing a strong excise tax on all forms of birth control, because this is a nation of good values, and having sex with someone you’re not ready to have a child with is NOT a good value to have. I cannot comprehend placing sin taxes on cigarettes and alcohol and not ALSO on birth control, so that’s just another thing that gains us an extra dime or two.

My administration and I have noticed that the country’s national parks aren’t exactly drawing in oodles of currency, so we’ve decided to take Everglades National Park and insert one word into that title. That word will be “Theme”. This new Everglades National Theme Park will be home of the most innovative water slides on the planet. Of course, to prevent these slides from sinking into the ground, we’ll have to pave over all the swampland, but as my Pa always used to say, “You gotta break some sheep before you can have Shepherd’s Pie.”

One half of the alligator population will go towards a petting zoo in the Park. The other half will be bred in captivity, slaughtered, and sold for their meat. This is very valuable, because, as a Brilliant and Competent Woman once theorized, the only way to truly save a species from endangerment is to eat them. It is for this reason that we will place half of the Floridian alligators, along with every single endangered animal residing within the United States, into the meat market. For you financiers, it boosts the economy by creating new jobs, and for you environmentalists, it helps out nature because it stops all sorts of majestic creatures from dying out forever.

We vow to raise the employee standard by destroying affirmative action. The very principal is racist towards capable whites, and if there’s one thing I can’t abide, it’s racism. It, as we said, lowers the standards of workers because less-able people are getting jobs that could be given to craftier potential employees. Moreover, it is a poor motivation for “minorities”. Perhaps if we do away with affirmative action, phrases like “It’s because I’m Zimbabwean” will be negated. We like equality, but we don’t like arrogance.

Now here’s a real hum-dinger of an idea I got.

To be continued...