My name is “Big” Bill Johnson. I’m running for President, and I’ve had the privilege and honor of growing up in this fine state. Now what’s say we cut the custard and get right on into my viewpoints?

I’m for education. There are numerous methods my administration will tackle this growing literacy problem our country has been facing. The first and foremost; we need to ensure the learning environment is as productive as it can be, and our most effective means of achieving that will be through stricter discipline. For this reason, we will legally reintroduce corporal punishment into the American School System, spending a healthy chunk of the national budget so that we can secure the thickest and most aerodynamic paddles we can find, at least one for every classroom. Like my Pa always said, “If you can’t make ‘em learn, their bums’ll burn!”

Another addition to the learning environment we’re heavily considering will be the mandatory legalization of the American Pledge of Allegience, with one minor modification. There has recently been much controversy over the words “under God”; some people claim that it only refers to a specific god. Others disagree. So, we’re gonna clear that all up, and change it to “under Jesus, the Undisputable Savior of My Miserable and Pathetic Soul”, because we’re a nation of truth, and hiding that truth just isn’t the American Way.

Now onto the literacy problem. After scrupulous review, we have decided that the English language is too difficult. Too many ambiguities, and for that matter, far too many letters. It is for this reason, that my administration has decided to remove the letters “x”, “q”, and “c”, to be replaced with “ks”, “k”, and “k”, respectively. Also, to avoid unnecessary pen movement, we are illegalizing the combination of the letters “ch” and creating a new letter, which will look roughly like this: §.

Of course, to do all of this and expect it to take an effect on our nation, we’d have to make sure that English is the only language spoken. This is not a hard task to accomplish. This new Johnsonian English will become the official language of the United States of America. We will offer government-funded educational classes to every resident of the country…but if there remain people who refuse to learn our national lingo, they will be deported. We are a nation of many voices, but the reason we’ve operated for so long is because we understood what all of those voices were saying, in the first place. It’s time we all got onto the same page, here.

We will also be instituting a national Sustained Silent Reading, and I mean for everyone. Students, teachers, firemen, doctors, everyone will stop, open a book, and read, for one hour every single day. Be honest with you; I don’t really love that idea, but it sure does make me feel powerful, being able to make that official and whatnot.

But English-based studies are not our only concern. We’re very much in favor of science. Many are surprised that I am a firm supporter of cloning human beings. It is my personal belief that cloning is a perfect example of mankind’s ingenuity and brilliance, and I say it would be a CRIME not to use it to its fullest potential. After all, where else can you get a massive slave labor force without a whole lot of emotional interference from relatives, journalists, and hippies? Clones aren’t people, they’re copies of people; they wouldn’t exist if not for us, so I figure we ought to put them to good use. And lest anyone say I’m unfair in my statement, we can gives clones the ability to vote. It won’t, of course, be a full vote; at the moment, the number my administration is toying with is 5/8 a vote per clone, but at least it’s more than the newly-freed African Americans got after the Civil War. That’s what I’m all about; science. Science and fairness.

There is one last science-related plan, this time, in reference to the environment, that I would like to announce to you good people. Sooner or later, the fresh water supply of both, the nation, and the world, will become dilapidated. To avoid this, we are going to push the United Nations to have the oceans of the Earth desalinated. If you think about it, it’s only a matter of time before we’re required to take these measures, so I figure it’d be best if we become the early birds in this situation Let the environmentalists yelp and squeal – they really have that much of a problem with it, they can stop buying fresh water products, because at the moment, they’re only contributing to the problem and offering no intelligent solutions.

So remember, when the other caravans wheel into town, ask them how they plan on enforcing discipline. Ask them how they feel about the Pledge…watch ‘em squirm. Ask them what language they think America will be speaking in ten years, and how well the people’ll be speaking it. Ask them how they feel about overpopulating the world in the name of science without ensuring occupations for the said clones. Ask them how much they value clean water. And then, when you see them sweating under the sudden blinding spotlight of honest inquiry, you laugh in their faces and you tell them to pull their pancakes out of Texas, because Texas wants action, and Bill Johnson IS action. Remember, folks, I’m here for you. Thank you, and Christ bless America.