An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Unless you’ve got bad aim, or he’s wearing armor of some kind.

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you fake.

Conservatives are defenders of the status quo - after the 'quo' has lost its 'status'.

Despite common belief, purgatory happens DURING life; when you’re too scared of suicide, too petrified to face anyone for fear of failing expectations, and too frightened to see the next day; when all you have is your fear, incompetence, and above all, emptiness…and you’re painfully aware of it. That is purgatory.

Don’t frown; you never know when someone’s falling in love with your smile.
You can frown once you know they’re not.

Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater!
Throw it out with years of subtle psychological abuse!

Don’t worry; be happy.
Even if it means getting worried about being happy.

Expect the worst from everything, that way, you're either prepared or ecstatic.

Go with your gut, especially if you’re on my carpet.

He who fears attack by eagles does not watch the ground for fire ants.

I hate predictability. I hate predictability. I hate predictability.

I only have a peso. Can I get one of your more obvious thoughts?

I perform, therefore, I occasionally am.

I think, therefore, when convenient, I am.

I used to think I had it bad because I had no shoes, but then I met a man who had no feet.
I took his shoes, and it turns out I was right. What a difference!

If it has nougat in it, it can’t be bad.

Insanity sucks only when you realize you have it. It's like how Wile E. Coyote doesn't fall off the cliff until he notices that he's standing in the middle of the air, but inside your head. Needless to say, the whistling noise of falling is MUCH louder.

It is better to have loved and lost than to have never lost at all.

Living for the moment is only effective for those unsuccessful at thinking.

Living for the moment is a blessing for those too successful at thinking.

Love is blind.
That’s why it isn’t rape when you blindfold the bitch.

Love is like Metamucil: completely draining yet wholly refreshing.

Love is never having to say you're sorry, but saying it anyway.

Love that fails is just as bad as hate that works.

Misery, like an enema, is completely unwanted, yet at times, utterly necessary, and irregardless of all intentions, you will always wind up savaged and leaking from the ass.

Most of the bad things done by man are caused by men trying to avoid doing bad things.

Rapture - always near enough to taste, yet too distant to fondle.

Remember: if you put your eggs into two different baskets, don’t keep the baskets right next to each other.

Shoot for the moon.
Little bastard has it coming.

Starve a wolf long enough and he'll learn to live as a sheep.

That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
Unless we're talking about rubber bands. Those don't seem to contribute to either side.

That which does not kill me is invited over any time it wants.

The best things in life are free.
Well, all except for sex.

The clothes make the man, but I can’t help but think that the innards help the process along.

The only thing that remains consistent is that nothing ever remains consistent.

There’s a great, big, beautiful Tomorrow filled with wonderful people to disappoint, fail, and disillusion.

You can't change the World, but you sure as hell can taunt it until it cries.

You may catch more flies with honey, but you kill more with missiles.