But when you look to me
There's something of a clash
What advertising genius put me
In diapers and a sash?

Father Time wants pants
Father Time wants pants
Very cold to walk around
And quite hard to romance
Lend a hand and grab the legs
And stitch their tops together
If y'know what's good for you
You'll respect your eldest elder

On my way to New Years
I entered Halloweentown
Met up with Jack Skellington
His eyes kept trailing down

And soon he grinned at me
His mind was in the gutter
Just because he don't have eyes
Don't mean mine are in my nutters

Father Time wants pants
Father Time wants pants
And a pair of underwear
So I won't flop if I dance
Make 'em out of what you've got;
Cotton, silk or leather
If y'know what's good for you
You'll respect your eldest elder

Now the Eve is come
Auld acquaintances forgot
Time for a newer time
To be missed quite a lot

And as your friends come and go
And your goals become more tapered
Please recall to help your Pa
Upgrade to toilet paper

Father Time wants pants
Father Time wants pants
Not as if you don't have time
I'm asking in advance
With January's awful breeze
Might need my toes a welder
If y'know what's good for you
You'll respect your eldest elder

If y'know what's good for you
You'll respect your eldest elder
Oh, God, please know what's good for you
And respect your eldest elder

...whoop. Can someone bring me a thermal pack? My knees have gone numb.