Always sure to keep himself presentable and clean
I mean that more than one way since he just kicked heroin
And his skin's become much smoother
And has lost that waxy sheen
And regained a lot of colour--heck, it's hardly even green

Ted, he is a caring one, surprises are in store
For the holidays last year, he bought his ex a whore
Well, she wasn't quite his ex back then
But then, she was still pure
Still, I wouldn't fret, my dear, he can't get rupees any more

Not since the bitch complained, although I shouldn't bash her
Lord knows he did enough of that after one too many Smashers
He told me once, on kinky nights
He'd use his meat to lash her
No worries though, he's moved on...I wonder where he stashed her

You shoulda seen him with his first, oh, he could not resist her
In back of his Mom's PT, he did so much more than kiss her
And when she broke his trusting heart
Can't state how much he missed her
And he's pretty sure he'd recognised if she really was his sister

He doesn't know I'm over here, I'm doing him a favor
But the length of your skirt makes me think he'll thank me later
Think of him as Franco
He's the dick to your tater
And me, I am his wingman, which makes me his translator

If you've got a word to spread, then babe, I'm your translator
If you mouth at talking heads, then babe, I'm your translator
Oh, and please remember Ted, 'cause babe, I'm his translator
Cunning linguist in his stead? Babe, I will be your translator