In one corner, we have Josh Landman, spokesman and representative of that zany comedy club, the Humeroids – best known for their failed attempt at doing ANYTHING productive, much less anything funny…and BOY, did his membership show.
Then you had Lawrence London, who is a superb actor and an astounding showman; truly incomparable, and quite simply eight steps ahead of any performer ever to work in the industry…provided we’re talking about the “Gay Jewish” category and we completely overlook Nathan Lane.
Oh, and who could forget the dramatic insanity that was Lissa Howard? Not a single person in the crowd ever will, I guarantee…and that’s a shame, because even after several years of extensive psychotherapy, that statement will STILL hold true. Let it be known that Howard belongs in a main onstage position like George W. Bush belongs in the White House…NOT AT FUCKING ALL, UNLESS SOMEONE CHEATS TO GET HER IN.
The one person who might have been a saving grace to this piss-poor, ragtag, pitiful accumulation of fecal-shaped humanity was Jamie Bibcock…and then she went ahead and did so many pelvic thrusts, it would have made Christina Aguilera blush…THROUGH HER TWELVE POUNDS OF ROUGE. Now I genuinely think that Bibcock is an intelligently interesting girl, so it pains me to think that she took part in this Crime Against Humanity, much less took part in writing the goddamn thing. Right now, I’m in agony, and it’s not just because that, out of sheer hatred for the universe while watching the show, I attempted to gnaw off my own scrotum with my molars, but more so because I now have to take the time to repress everything I saw Jamie do and say tonight.
And I’m sure that’s what Mr. Walen and all the hosts would want this to be – a night where everyone represses that which took place…but there’s no fucking way they’re getting off that easy. What my peers and I were subjected to was an atrocity, flat out, pure and simple.
Incredibly talent kids, such as singers Susan Abrahams, the CCHS Male Chorus, Kristen Carrillo, Vincent Godinez, and Matt Abramson; and dancers Donte Malcolm, Kristina Cote, Chelsea Korka, Katilyn Korka, Krystal Llano, Amanda Stevens, Jenny LaRoche, Jessie McGuire, and Dannielle Harris, kept the show afloat for their respective minutes. Now I know what you’re saying – “Christ, that’s a whole lot of names of great performers! Could the show really have been fucked up that badly by just a few people?”
Yes. Yes, a thousand times. Yes, for two hours a thirty minutes. The hosts positively dominated the show; each skit a garble of recycled, overplayed, or merely MORONIC attempts at what was (experts claim) comedy. And it’s baffling – I can nearly get impeached and officially make the Principal’s Shit List when saying “crusty underwear” in a speech, yet they can go ahead and make as many references to sex, violence, and drugs as they damn well pleased. They blatantly said at one point, and I kid ye not, that Mr. Ferraro had the munchies. GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK.
Alright, so I’ve got sour grapes – I didn’t make it for host, myself…but I guarantee if you’d have seen this…this…there aren’t words to describe what horrific shit this turned out to be…you’d have been pissed, as well. It was agony.
Oh, and of course, we ended with the crème de la crème. The audience was brought to what, in previous years, was referred to as the “Senior Slide Show”, but has been renamed the “Kimmy and Friends Slide Show” for this year, only. Here was the sequence – Kimmy and Friends at Prom ‘01, Friends of Kimmy’s goofing around at home, Kimmy and Friends in the Homecoming Parade of ’02, picture of a random athlete, Kimmy and Friends, Kimmy and Friends, Kimmy and Friends, Jew Crew portrait, Jew Crew portrait, Kimmy’s remote friends posing, Kimmy and Friends in first grade, Kimmy and Friends in second grade, third, fourth, fifth, and so on. The Senior Class Song, “Good Riddance”, has never been so well timed.
This last quote isn’t really relevant, but so long as I’m taking jabs, I might as well stick it in: Cody Samet-Shaw elegantly articulated, “Kim Boikan was put on this Earth for one reason and one reason only: to give blowjobs. So where’s mine?”
I want six dollars and two hours of professional wrestling delivered back to me, and I want both, a written and verbal apology from each member of the Production Staff to each and every cast member. Perhaps you, the reader, think I’m being a tad cruel. Here’s a little anecdote - I haven’t listened to hard rock in almost a year, I feel it puts me in an aggressive and anti-social mood. As soon as I came home, I blared the shit till it felt like my eardrums would try to tunnel out of my cranium in order to escape the volume. It takes one hell of a piece of shit to make me forsake Classical music, and this was the single biggest loaf I’ve had since the last time I looked my Principal straight in the eye.
