"I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. "
- Douglas Adams
"If [humans] don’t keep on exercising their lips, their brains start working."
– Douglas Adams
"Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?"
- Douglas Adams
"In the United States today, we have more than our share of the nattering nabobs of negativism.”
- Spiro Agnew, who also described Democrats as “pampered prodigies”, “salons of sellout,” and “pusillanimous pussyfooters.”
"A celebrity works hard all his life to become known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."
- Fred Allen
"Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on saturday night!"
- Woody Allen
"Boxing consists of a lot of white men watching two black men beat each other up."
- Muhammad Ali
"A man doesn’t automatically get my respect. He has to get down on his knees, in the dirt, and beg for it."
- Anonymous
"A cannibal is someone fed up with people."
- Anonymous (Thankfully)
"Capitalism - survival of the fattest."
- Anonymous
“Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal in the World is NOT the lion, the tiger, or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal in the World is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see."
- Anonymous
“Hey, environmentalists – fishing isn’t murder, it’s connecting two lives by only a thin line. Bwahahahaha."
- Anonymous
“I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick ‘Americans’ as their mascots."
- Anonymous
“I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because that way I could keep both Dracula and Superman back."
- Anonymous
“I’d rather be rich than stupid."
- Anonymous
“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man."
- Anonymous
“It wouldn’t surprise me if someday some fisherman caught a big shark, cut it open, and inside there was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark, there isn’t a person, because it would be too small. But there’s a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy. Something like that."
- Anonymous
“Sometimes the beauty of the World is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and gargle, and I don’t care who hears me, because I am beautiful."
- Anonymous
“Stop hitting my hobo!"
- Anonymous
“The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."
- Anonymous
“The footsteps of history were not written by sitting down."
- Anonymous
“There’s nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves."
- Anonymous
“Those who dance are considered insane by those who can’t hear the music.”
- Anonymous
“To the world, you may be one person, but to one person, you may be the world."
- Anonymous
"Human war has been the most successful of our cultural traditions."
- Robert Ardrey
“Man has lost the basic skill of the ape; the ability to scratch his back. Which gave it an extraordinary independence, and the liberty to associate other than the reasons of mutual back-scratching."
– Jean Baudrillard
"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."
- The Beatles, from their song, "In the End"
”I look like you.”
- Lawrence Bell (candidate for mayor of Baltimore, 1999), telling a black crowd why they should vote for him
"(Love is) a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"You see, Mr. McMahon, these are not just lesbians. These are BISEXUAL LESBIANS!"
- Eric Bischoff
"The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them."
- Lenny Bruce
“No to cocaine. No to marijuana. And a question mark over Jack Daniels.”
– Pat Buchanan
"I'm only paranoid because everyone's against me!"
- Major Frank Burns (of M*A*S*H)
"Margaret, I feel that if we have to, we can be honest with one another."
- Major Frank Burns (of M*A*S*H)
"STOP LAUGHING WITHOUT ME!"
– Major Frank Burns (of M*A*S*H)
“It has been said by some cynic, maybe it was a former president, ‘If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.’ We took them literally – that advice – as you know. But I didn’t need that, because I have Barbara Bush.”
– George Bush
“My fellow astronauts, welcome to Mrs. Bush."
– George W Bush
“The American people is very supportive of me.”
– George W Bush
”The question we have to ask is: Is our children learning?”
- George W Bush
“There ought to be limits to freedom.”
– George W Bush, after unsuccessfully filing a lawsuit to shut down the political parody site, www.georgew.bush.com
"They misunderestimated me."
- George W Bush
"Charm is the ability to get the answer 'yes' without having asked the question."
- Albert Camus
"You know that look women get during sex? Me neither."
- Drew Carey
"Every six minutes, there's a rape in this country, and boy, is my dick sore. I'm tellin' ya, every day, house to house, there's no letup. It's a fuckin' hassle."
- George Carlin
"Haven't we gone far enough with colored ribbons for different causes? Every cause has its own color. Red for AIDS, blue for child abuse, pink for breast cancer, green for the rain forest. I've got a brown one. You know what it means? 'Eat shit, motherfucker!'"
- George Carlin
"If I had my choice of how to die, I would like to be sitting on the crosstown bus and suddenly burst into flames."
- George Carlin
"Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck."
- George Carlin
“People with low self-esteem have earned it.”
- George Carlin
"What's all this 'Dinner-and-a-Movie' shit? Why can't people just go somewhere and fuck for three or four hours?"
- George Carlin
"When I die I don't want to be buried, but I don't want to be cremated, either. I want to be blown up. Put me on a pile of explosives and blow me up. Or throw my body from a helicopter. That would be fun. One stipulation: wherever I land, you have to leave me there. Even if it's on the mayor's lawn. Just let me lie there. But keep the dogs away."
- George Carlin
"You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet and eating a chocolate candy bar."
- George Carlin
"Whoever is not a misanthrope at forty can never have loved mankind."
- Nicolas Chamfort
"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people."
- GK Chesterton
"Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it."
- Maurice Chevalier
"This so TOTALLY scrapes the bowels of sucktitude!"
- Christian
"Of course I'm a pirate - I've got a hat, a parrot, and a hook; what else should I be, a Management Consultant?"
- John Cleese
“Being president is like running a cemetery: you’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.”
- Bill Clinton
“It depends on how you define ‘alone’…”
- Bill Clinton, in his grand jury testimony on the Monica Lewinsky affair
”There were a lot of times when we were alone, but I never really thought we were.”
- Bill Clinton, elaborating on the nuances of “alone” for the grand jury
"What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner."
- Colette
“I would walk over my grandmother for Richard Nixon.”
- Charles Colson (aide to Nixon, 1969-1974)
"Eventually, even a blind squirell will find an acorn."
- Jim Cornette
"I can beat anyone, either male, female, animal, vegitable, or mineral."
- Jim Cornette
"To know all is not to forgive all. It is to despise everybody."
- Quentin Crisp
"I've never been a slave, and I've got a gun in my purse that says I never will be."
- Mrs. Delania Cunningham
"It's not really a 'self-portrait' if they're telling us how to draw it."
- Brad DeLuca on an Art Tutorial
“Life is very important to Americans.”
- Bob Dole, asked if American lives were more important that foreign lives
“We’ve never had a president named Bob, and I think it’s time.”
– Bob Dole
"If God were suddenly condemned to live the life which he has inflicted upon men, He would kill himself."
- Alexandre Dumas
"An object at rest cannot be stopped!"
- The Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight
"Cheese is milk's leap towards immortality."
- Clifton Fabmon
"I do not believe the homosexual community deserves minority status. One's misbehavior does not qualify him or her for minority status. Blacks, Hispanics, women, et cetera, are God-ordained minorities who do indeed deserve minority status."
- Jerry Falwell
“Who will the Antichrist be? I don’t know. Nobody else knows. Of course, he’ll be Jewish.”
– Jerry Falwell (president, Moral Majority, 1979-1990)
"Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?"
- Jules Feiffer
"What's a village without a few idiots?"
- Ed Ferrara
"Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder."
- WC Fields
"I like children. If they’re properly cooked."
- WC Fields
"I'd like you all to read this, if possible."
- Coach Fleischer to my First Hour Physical Education Class
"I can't jump high, so I jump from high places."
- Mick Foley (as Cactus Jack)
"If the Gods could build me a ladder to the heavens, I'd climb up the ladder and drop a big elbow on the world."
- Mick Foley (as Cactus Jack)
“If Lincoln were alive today, he’d roll over in his grave.”
- Gerald Ford
”Ronald Reagan doesn’t dye his hair – he’s prematurely orange.”
- Gerald Ford
”Things are more like they are now than they ever have been.”
- Gerald Ford
”A country man between two lawyers, is like a fish between two cats.”
- Benjamin Franklin
”A wolf eats sheep but now and then; ten thousands are devoured by men.”
- Benjamin Franklin
”An empty bag cannot stand upright.”
- Benjamin Franklin
”Clean your finger before you point at my spots.”
- Benjamin Franklin
”Content makes poor men rich; discontent makes rich men poor.”
- Benjamin Franklin
”Do me the favor to deny me at once.”
- Benjamin Franklin
”Great talkers should be cropped, for they have no need of ears.”
- Benjamin Franklin
”He that speaks ill of the mare, will buy her.”
- Benjamin Franklin
”Hear Reason, or she’ll make you feel her.”
- Benjamin Franklin
”Hide not your talents, they for use were made: what’s a sun dial in the shade?”
- Benjamin Franklin
”If your head is wax, don’t walk in the sun.”
- Benjamin Franklin
”Let all men know thee, but no man know thee thoroughly: men freely ford that see the shallows.”
- Benjamin Franklin
“Like a man traveling in foggy weather, those at some distance before him on the road he sees wrapped up in the fog, as well as those behind him, and also in the fields on each side, but near him all appears clear, though in truth, he is as much in the fog as any of them."
– Benjamin Franklin
”Make haste slowly.”
- Benjamin Franklin
”Observe all men; thyself most.”
- Benjamin Franklin
”One good husband is worth two good wives; for the scarcer things are, the more they’re valued.”
- Benjamin Franklin
”Search others for their virtues, thyself for thy vices.”
- Benjamin Franklin
”Strange that a man who has wit enough to write a satire should have folly enough to publish it.”
- Benjamin Franklin
”Tart word make no friends: a spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.”
- Benjamin Franklin
”The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason.”
- Benjamin Franklin
”The worst wheel of the cart makes the most noise.”
- Benjamin Franklin
“There are no fools so troublesome as those who have wit."
– Benjamin Franklin
”’Tis easy to see, hard to forsee.”
- Benjamin Franklin
”Up, sluggard, and waste not life; in the grave will be sleeping enough.”
- Benjamin Franklin
”Well done is better than well said.”
- Benjamin Franklin
”Who has deceived thee so oft as thyself?”
- Benjamin Franklin
”Who is rich? He that rejoices in his portion.”
- Benjamin Franklin
”Wish not so much to live long, as to live well.”
- Benjamin Franklin
”Who is strong? He that can conquer his bad habits.”
- Benjamin Franklin
”Wink at small faults – remember thou hast great ones.”
- Benjamin Franklin
”Wish not so much to live long, as to live well.”
- Benjamin Franklin
”You will be careful, if you are wise, how you touch men’s religion, or credit, or eyes.”
- Benjamin Franklin
"A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel."
- Robert Frost
"Your brain is an organ that starts working the moment you wake up and doesn't stup until you get into the office."
- Robert Frost
"It would be a good idea."
- Mohandas Gandhi, referring to Western Civilization
"Belgium is a country invented by the British to annoy the French."
- Charles de Gaulle
“What’s wrong with saying that when school’s out, you can hire kids as young as twelve or thirteen?”
– Newt Gingrich
“This country would be better off if we saw off the Eastern seaboard and let it float out to sea.”
– Barry Goldwater (1964 Republican presidential nominee)
”I share your view that the urgent problems of species extinction and the conservation of biological diversity should be addressed. The first step in saving any plant or animal from extinction is to become aware of and respect the fragile ecosystems that make up our own planet.”
- Al Gore, answering a letter from a Dallas couple who complained that Amtrak service cuts were eliminating the “Texas Eagle” connecting Dallas to the West Coast and Chicago
“I keep it in a quart jar on my desk.”
- Phil Gramm (senator from Texas, 1985–), assuring an audience that he did, indeed, have a heart
“Flash – don’t heckle the super villain!”
- Green Lantern
“The elderly eat less.”
- SI Hayakawa (senator from California, 1977-1982), explaining why the elderly don’t need special food-stamp eligibility
”The poor don’t need gas because they’re not working.”
- SI Hayakawa (senator from California, 1977-1982)
"You know why there were only 220 Mexicans at the Alamo? They only had one car."
- Bobby Heenan
“The President ought to be allowed to hang two men every year without giving any reason or explanation.”
– Herbert Hoover
"There isn't a man in this war who isn't scared - including me."
- Major "Hot Lips" Margaret Houlihan (of M*A*S*H)
"Bed is the poor man's opera."
- Aldous Huxley
”There are so many women on the floor of Congress, it looks like a mall.”
- Henry Hyde (representative from Illinois, 1975-)
"Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination."
- Christopher Isherwood
“Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because if there be one, he must approve of the homage of reason, than that of blind-folded fear."
- Thomas Jefferson
"Castration is a eunuch experience."
- Paul Jennings
“Journalism is a gun. Aim it correctly and you can blow the kneecaps off anything."
– Spider Jerusalem
“I'm nobody's fucking cartoon."
– Spider Jerusalem
"Your brain starts working the moment you're born and doesn't stop until you stand up to speak in public."
- George Jessel
“No, Mr. Chancellor, I was born in a manger.”
- Lyndon B. Johnson, responding to West German chancellor Ludwig Erhard, who said, “I understand you were born in a log cabin, Mr. President.”
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson
"Bravery is being the only one who knows that you're afraid."
- Franklin P Jones
"What really sucks about life isn't the shit, it's the waiting."
– Andrew Kay
"If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament."
- Florence Kennedy
"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?"
- Jean Kerr
"A brain is an appendage of the genital glands."
- Alexander King
"I don’t wanna die. And I don’t wanna look at other people while they’re doing it. And I don’t wanna be told where to stand when it happens to me."
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger (of M*A*S*H)
"If my dog had your face, I’d shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards."
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger (of M*A*S*H)
"Solitude would be ideal is you could pick the people to avoid."
- Karl Kraus
"Stupidity is an elemental force for which no earthquake is a match."
- Karl Kraus
"I am SO gonna die when I grow up!"
- Cindy L
“I don’t hate you because you’re gay; I hate you because you’re alive.”
- Cindy L
"I used to think I was mature for my age until I grew up."
- Cindy L
"I’m done with this whole ‘being a girl’ thing."
- Cindy L
"It's, like, a year after 2003."
- Cindy L, August 17th, 2003
"No, you're supposed to say, 'No, you're the most beautiful woman in the world, even when compared to yourself!' "
- Cindy L
"That’s why I’m a drugless hippie – I don’t make a good stoner."
– Cindy L
"Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success."
- Christopher Lasch
"Censorship is nothing but an excuse to talk about sex."
- Fran Leibowitz
"Try, fail, try, fail. The only true failure is when you stop trying."
- Madame Liona, the Haunted Mansion
"If men only believe enough in Christ they can commit adultery and murder a thousand times a day without periling their salvation."
- Martin Luther
"If you attack stupidity, you attack an entrenched interest with friends in government and every walk of public life, and you will make small progress against it."
- Samuel Marchbanks
"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member!"
- Groucho Marx
"I’ll hire blacks as long as they can do the cotton-pickin’ job.”
- Evan Mecham (governor of Arizona, 1987-1988)
"Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage."
- HL Mencken
"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats."
- HL Mencken
"I simply can’t imagine competence as anything save admirable, for it is very rare in this world, and especially in this great Republic, and those who have it in some measure, in any art or craft from adultery to zoology, are the only human beings I can think of who will be worth the oil it will take to fry them in Hell."
- HL Mencken
"The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind."
- HL Mencken
"To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia."
- HL Mencken
"Britain is a society where the ruling class does not rule, the working class does not work, and the middle class is not in the middle."
- George Mikes
"Americans can eat garbage, provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup, mustard, chili sauce, Tabasco sauce, cayenne pepper, or any other condiment which destroys the original flavor of the dish."
- Henry Miller
"It’s silly to go on pretending that under the skin we are all brothers. The truth is more likely that under the skin we are all cannibals, assassins, traitors, liars, hypocrites, poltroons."
- Henry Miller
"Nothing is anything completely."
- Momma
"Smile. Tomorrow will be worse."
- Murphy
"They're promising entertainment, but I'm not that optimistic."
- Mystery Science Theater 3000
"You like picking on girls, huh? Why don’t you pick on ME, then?"
- Kevin Nash
"I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time."
- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzche
"The last Christian died on the cross."
- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
"If you could do everything for me, I would be such a lovely person!"
– Aimee Nigma (My Mom)
"You are never alone and always loved."
- Al Nigma (My Dad)
"You see, [Ed], the reason I like clams are because they look like a woman's clitoris."
- Al Nigma
"All things in motion eventually hit me."
- Ed Nigma
"Dad, did you honestly just say 'Don't you think?' to a Hooters girl?"
- Ed Nigma
"During this past nine weeks, I’ve learned quite a lot, grown hugely maturity-wise, and completely changed my entire scholarly lifestyle. How? I’ve gained the ability to blatantly lie to inquisitive personal questions on self growth. …or have I? MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
- Ed Nigma
"Goddamn women...I'd be gay if not for sexual preferences."
- Ed Nigma
"I am most thankful for beautiful naked people. God bless them all."
- Ed Nigma
"I tell you, I’d lose my wits if I were ever going to be lobotomized!"
- Ed Nigma
"I think one of the most influential people I've ever known would have to be Mario from Super Mario Brothers. He doesn't take shit from turtles, his sole diet consists of mushrooms that make him fly, and he's able to save Princess Toadstool and her entire kingdom without stopping to poo ONCE."
- Ed Nigma
"I would have to say the single most amazingly unforgettable anecdote from my childhood would have to be the time that I – no, wait, that wasn’t me. Nevermind."
- Ed Nigma
"If courtesy is contageous, you've been coughing on my enchilada, dollface."
- Ed Nigma
"If I could change one thing about my typical day, I’d have myself totally lobotomized. This would officiate my lifestyle and give me a good excuse for living as I already do."
- Ed Nigma
"If I could change the mind of one person in one situation in history, it would be to have my mother say, 'Alyn, I’m not in the mood tonight,' back in 1984."
- Ed Nigma
"If I could drive to school with any one person in the whole entire world, I’d have to choose God. I’d like to see how his left turn looks."
- Ed Nigma
”Know what I hate? When comedians say, "Know what I hate?" Buncha goddamn malcontents. Why can't the comedians make jokes about stuff that's right? I swear to God, the whole fucking World sucks.”
- Ed Nigma
"Me, a non-conformist? My friend, I am the ULTIMATE conformist. I follow the rules of Logic and Fun. Although, I must admit, that does make me a horrendous non-conformist in the eyes of most people."
- Ed Nigma
"Misery is happiest when she has company. Got a minute to spare?"
- Ed Nigma
"Something's wrong when you're fantasizing about ramming a live chainsaw up your own rectum. Something's wrong."
- Ed Nigma
“The Kennedy family is God’s personal Whack-A-Mole game. ‘Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. Ba – aww, damnit, I missed Ted again.’"
– Ed Nigma
"The longest week of my life was when I was committed to the Bellview Asylum for the Mentally Unstable and escaped by biting off a security guard’s nose and using it to wedge open the window so that I could escape. Well, either that week, or this one. You see, my puppy died."
- Ed Nigma
“The only thing that truly scares me is the thought of tomorrow."
– Ed Nigma
“There is a thin red line between insanity and genius, and a large group of barbarian yodeling penguins just cart wheeled past me."
– Ed Nigma
"When I hear the term, 'the Roaring Twenties', I think of a 20-year-old lion."
- Ed Nigma
“Goddamn it, forget the law.”
- Richard Nixon
”I would have made a good pope.”
- Richard Nixon
“This is a great day for France!”
– Richard Nixon, attending French president Charles de Gaulle’s funeral
“When the President does it, that means it’s not illegal.”
– Richard Nixon
"Well dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians."
- Tulip O'Hare (from Preacher)
"Who controls the past, controls the future. Who controls the present, controls the past."
- George Orwell
"It is the confession, not the priest, which gives us absolution."
- Giovanni da Palestrina
"A fellow is a bore when he can change the subject back to his topic of conversation faster than you can change it back to yours."
- Laurence Peter
"I used to play water polo, but my horse drowned."
– Captain Hawkeye Pierce (of M*A*S*H)
"I've always said, 'Behind every great man, there's a woman with a vibrator.' "
– Captain Hawkeye Pierce (of M*A*S*H)
"Your nose isn’t too big; your face is too small."
- Captain Hawkeye Pierce (of M*A*S*H)
"He's as strong as an ox, and almost as smart!"
- 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper on Ole Anderson
"I'm so quick, I could spit in the wind, duck, and let it hit the old lady behind me!"
- 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper
“Fuck money on surgery. People and their boob jobs and noses and surgery – I want to amputate one leg and get a pirate peg. Now THAT’S plastic surgery.”
- Poojer
“Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.”
- Terry Pratchett
"When many expect a mighty stallion, they will find hooves on an ant."
- Terry Pratchett
"Capital punishment is the process of killing people who kill people to prove that killing people is wrong."
- Sir Helen Prejean
"People say I'm robbing the cradle. I say she's robbing the grave!"
- The Professor (from Futurama)
”For NASA, space is still a high priority.”
- Dan Quayle
“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
– Dan Quayle
”I stand by all the misstatements.”
- Dan Quayle
”It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
- Dan Quayle
”My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will never, never surrender to what is right.”
- Dan Quayle, telling the Christian Coalition that abstinence was the best way to avoid AIDS
”One word sums up the responsibility of any vice president, and that word is ‘to be prepared.’”
- Dan Quayle
”Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teaches our children.”
- Dan Quayle
“Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.”
- Dan Quayle
“[The Holocaust] was an obscene period in our nation’s history…this century’s history…We all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.”
- Dan Quayle
“The loss of life will be irreplaceable.”
- Dan Quayle, on the San Francisco earthquake of 1989
“There are lots more people in the House. I don’t know exactly – I’ve never counted, but at least a couple hundred.”
- Dan Quayle, explaining the difference between the House and the Senate
”Unfortunately, the people of Louisiana are not racists.”
- Dan Quayle
”Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.”
- Dan Quayle
“Well, it looks as if the top part fell on the bottom part.”
– Dan Quayle, commenting on the collapsed section of the 880 freeway after the San Francisco earthquake of 1989
”What a waste it is to lose one’s mind – or not to have a mind. How true that is.”
- Dan Quayle, addressing representatives of the United Negro College Fund. He garbled their slogan, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”
"I will eat your soul and shit out your sins and make you count every one as I fuck you in your eye socket."
- Tom R, responding to my defense on why Kill Bill, Vol. II is an awesome movie
“I didn’t intend for this to take on a political tone. I’m just here for the drugs.”
– Nancy Reagan, asked a political question during a ‘Just Say No’ rally
“Facts are stupid things.”
– Ronald Reagan, meaning to quote John Adams, who said, “Facts are stubborn things.”
"Birth is a hereditary disease."
- Nigel Rees
"Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired."
- Jules Renard
“The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It’s only the people who make them unsafe.”
- Frank Rizzo (mayor of Philadelphia, 1972-1980)
"Yes, I'm being more positive. Fuck all of you that say I'm too negative. I hope all of you get SARS."
- Jason Rivera
"A woman has beauty when she looks the same after washing her face."
- Hal Roach
“The feminist agenda…is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, and become lesbians.”
– Pat Robertson (1988 Republican presidential candidate)
"We don’t know what we want, but we are ready to bite somebody to get it."
- Will Rogers on Americans
"To be adult is to be alone."
- Jean Rostand
"I look real good and feel even better, I make a burlap sack look like a cashmere sweater."
- 'Simply Ravishing' Rick Rude
“His existence is punishment enough.”
- Cody S
"Honestly, you should swap her for heroin, because heroin doesn’t talk back."
- Cody S
“Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage."
– William Shakespeare
"I do not want actors and actresses to understand my plays. That is not necessary. If they will only pronounce the correct sounds, I can guarantee the results."
- George Bernard Shaw
"There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it."
- George Bernard Shaw
“!"
– Silent Bob
"A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road."
- Alexander Smith
"Thank heavens, the sun has gone in, and I don’t have to go out and enjoy it."
- Logan Pearsall Smith
"Censorship is a more depraving and corrupting practice than anything pornography can produce."
- Tony Smythe
"No knot unties itself."
- Stephen Sondheim
"Sometimes the things you most wish for are not to be touched."
- Stephen Sondheim
"You may know what you want, but to get that you need, better see that you keep what you have."
- Stephen Sondheim
"If there's one thing I absolutely hate about reality, it's that it is always getting in the way of your dreams."
- Robert Spence
"There's no cure for a broken heart - its pieces stay with you forever."
- Robert Spence
"Without rainy days, we wouldn't be able appreciate the sunshine."
- Robert Spence
"All religions are founded on the fear of the many and the cleverness of the few."
- Stendhal
"The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist."
- Stendhal
"My brain is just a jellyfish in the ocean in my head, and all I really want from life is to crawl back into bed."
- String Cheese Incident, from their song, "Jellyfish"
"A government must make difficult decisions, especially in times of conflict...but it must NEVER forget that its PEOPLE bear the weight of its choices. We do not have to become monsters to defeat monsters...not even in war."
- Superman (written by Joe Kelly)
"When a true genius appears in the world you may know him by this sign: that all the dunces are in confederacy against him."
- Jonathan Swift
”Eat less.”
- Robert A. Taft (senator from Ohio, 1938-1953), advising housewives how to save money
"And so, may evil beware and may good dress warmly and eat lots of fresh vegetables."
- The Tick
"City, it is I, the Tick, your destined defender…show me where it hurts!"
- The Tick
"DON’T MAKE US BITE YOU IN HARD-TO-REACH PLACES!"
- The Tick
"Gravity is a harsh mistress."
- The Tick
"I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘surrender’! I mean, I know it, I’m not dumb…just not in this context."
- The Tick
"Life is a big wild crazy tossed salad, but you don’t eat it, no, sir! You live it! Isn’t that great?"
- The Tick
"Not ‘baked goods’, Professor; ‘baked bads’!"
- The Tick
“Sure as ten dimes buys you a dollar!"
– The Tick
"Thank you for teaching us all that love is thicker than most bodily membranes. But not quite as sticky. And that a heart full of love is better than a body full of people. Merrily, the feet that carried us on the heart’s path today will be the feet that soak in the steaming brew of happiness tomorrow."
- The Tick
"The night is young and we have umbrellas in our drinks."
- The Tick
"Well, once again, my friend, we find that Science is a two-headed beast. One head is nice, it gives us Aspirin and other modern conveniences…but the other head of Science is bad! Oh, beware the other head of Science, Arthur, it bites!"
- The Tick
"Yeah, well, don’t count your weasles before they pop, dink!"
- The Tick
"Yes, my slimy friend, once again, slime does not pay! You can’t just coat yourself with artificial mucous and slip through the long fingers of the Law. It’s wrong and it’s gross."
- The Tick
"You know, though today was the worst day of my life, I learned many things. First, the World looks a lot different when you’re six inches tall and covered in feathers. Second, two heads are definitely not better than one. And finally, you can lay an egg and still feel like a man."
- The Tick
“You’re not going crazy – you’re going sane in a crazy world!"
– The Tick
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."
- JRR Tolkien (Gandalf the Grey)
“Faithless is he who says farewell when the road darkens."
– JRR Tolkien (Gimli the Dwarf)
“Let him not vow to walk in the dark, who has not seen the nightfall."
– JRR Tolkien (Elrond, Half-Elven)
"May it be a light for you in dark places, where all other lights go out."
- JRR Tolkien (Galadriel)
"Censors are people who are paid to have dirty minds."
- John Treveltan
"Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person."
- Mark Twain
"If Christ were here now, there is one thing he would not be – a Christian."
- Mark Twain
"It ain’t those parts of the Bible that I can’t understand that bother me, it’s the parts that I do understand."
- Mark Twain
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
- Mark Twain
"Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them."
- Bill Vaughn
"Dusty Rhodes wouldn't win a body building contest for 'Best Abs', McMahon, he'd win for 'MOST Abs.' "
- Jesse Ventura
"Win if you can, lose if you must, but ALWAYS cheat!"
- Jesse Ventura
"It is not enough to succeed; others must fail."
- Gore Vidal
"Animals have these advantages over man: they have no theologians to instruct them, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts lawsuits over their wills."
- Voltaire
“Sometimes gum looks like a penny.”
- Sally Wade
“America’s lands may be ravaged as a result of the actions of the environmentalists.”
– James Watt (Secretary of the Interior, 1981-1983)
“We don’t have to worry about endangered species. Why, we can’t even get rid of the cockroach.”
– James Watt (Secretary of the Interior, 1981-1983)
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
- Oscar Wilde
"It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances."
- Oscar Wilde
"Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast."
- Oscar Wilde
“I went out and brought some Berlitz tapes…I’m practicing my pronunciation of ‘Yo’.”
- Anthony Williams (mayor of Washington, DC, 1998-), defending himself against charges that he wasn’t “black enough”
"Success and failure are equally disastrous."
- Tennessee Williams
“It’s not like molesting young girls or young boys. It’s not a show-stopper.”
- Charles Wilson (representative from Texas, 1973-1996), on his eighty-one bounced checks
“Everyone is who they weren’t…but are, really.”
- Winnie the Pooh
"Broadway is where people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't need to impress people they don't like."
- Walter Winshell
"Let's never have a fight again, even if we have genuine disagreements."
- Woody (from Cheers)
"I have a map of the United States. It's actual size. It says on it, 'One mile equals one mile.' People ask me where I live, I say 'E5'. Last summer I folded it."
- Stephen Wright
"I used to be a narrator for bad mimes."
- Stephen Wright
"I was walking in a forest alone and a tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear it."
- Stephen Wright
"I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked me if I slept good, I said, 'No, I made a few mistakes.' "
- Stephen Wright
"If you melt dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?"
- Stephen Wright
"My girlfriend has a queen size bed. I have a court jester size bed. It's red and green and has little bells on it. The ends curl up."
- Stephen Wright
"Right now, I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time."
- Stephen Wright
"Well, you can't have everything; where would you put it?"
- Stephen Wright
