Edmondia: and wondering if she has the nerve to buy a box
of condoms as a mental preparation sort of gig
EnsTren: or even just one condom
Edmondia: mmhmm
Edmondia: trying to build up her courage sort of thing
EnsTren: yeah
Edmondia: ...her train of thought has become slightly
unbalanced
EnsTren: tell?
Edmondia: she's wondering if they come in foo-foo sizes and
the color pink
EnsTren: ...
Edmondia: coping mechanism
Edmondia: laugh and it's not as scary
EnsTren: yeah
EnsTren: hence why she teases his dick
Edmondia: yeah
Edmondia: and trying to accustom herself to the idea that
yes, she does want to have sex with him
EnsTren: yeah
Edmondia: I think she's somewhat frustrated with herself
EnsTren: yeah
EnsTren: intresting, In my head she is using a mirror to
look at herself down there
Edmondia: hmn. why's she doing that?
EnsTren: "It's going to fit in there?!"
Edmondia: ah, of course. she'd be poking at it, too
EnsTren: heh
Edmondia: ...why do I think she has an anatomy book
propped open next to her?
EnsTren: cause she is checking
Edmondia: making sure all her bits are in the right place?
EnsTren: yeah, and wanting to know what the bits were
Edmondia: mmhmm
Edmondia: definitely wondering why seth likes it down there
so much
EnsTren: and she tries to think of other reasons besides
the self hating "Because he wants to put it up there."
Edmondia: mmhmm
Edmondia: she's poking again
Edmondia: and has come to the conclusion that her yami is
just weird
EnsTren: But then she knew that already.
EnsTren: Annnnd she's wishing she was a boy again,
boys are neater down there.
Edmondia: She's reconsidering on the basis of multiple
orgasms.
EnsTren: But what about periods?
Edmondia: Chocolate.
EnsTren: She could have chocolate if she were a boy.
Edmondia: But yami thinks she's pretty like this.
EnsTren: Yami thought she was pretty when he thought
she was a he.
Edmondia: If she were a he, would they still be married?
EnsTren: ...His cousin could bullshit something if not.
Edmondia: Yami said she should be proud of being a woman.
EnsTren: What was there to be proud of?
Edmondia: ...herself?
EnsTren: She wasn't even proud to be human.
Edmondia: But... there had to be something good in her.
EnsTren: Why else would he want her then?
Edmondia: Yes, she was... good. And... pretty, because he said so, and he was never wrong about things like that.
Because he was pretty, so she must be too.
EnsTren: Even if she was a girl and had small breasts.
Edmondia: But yami loved her breasts and her curves and
her... other places. So that was... all right.
EnsTren: She hoped.
Edmondia: He loved her, it was all right, it had to be.
EnsTren: She was dependant on him, she knew this, all of the pairs were dependant on each other. But she was
dependant on him for her sense of self-worth.
Self-confidance, self-esteem, high high. Self-love... She
needed him. And were they any other type of being it would be unhealthy.
Edmondia: But they were themselves, and each other, and it was all right. Because he wouldn't (couldn't) ever leave her.
EnsTren: Even though she was afraid he would.
Edmondia: She knew on an intellectual level that thinking that
was probably illogical, but... she was so scared he'd leave her
for someone better.
EnsTren: Because there were better people--just not as
rich.
Edmondia: But he loved her. He loved her best of all of
anybody in the world.
EnsTren: She had to believe that.
Edmondia: It was true, it had to be true. He'd said it was true,
and she'd felt it.
EnsTren: She still worried.
Edmondia: Yami said she needed to be more confident in
herself. But it was... hard, almost impossible for her to see
herself the way he did.
EnsTren: When she pretended to be a boy she knew
she was good--maybe not right but everyone thought
she was right. And she was strong too.
EnsTren: She didn't like how some of her muscle mass
faded away.
Edmondia: She could - should - would train to get some of it
back, have her pretty yami show her Egyptian martial arts, learn
to be better - she was faster this way, after all.
EnsTren: She was already training harder than she used
to, but she knew some of the definition would never
come back the way it used to.
Edmondia: That wasn't as important - the idea was to use the
opponent's own body against him, and that she could do well.
Edmondia: She would be fine.
EnsTren: But emergencies kept happening, she fretted.
EnsTren: She knew she wouldn't be able to pull off
what she did with Mokuba when they were running
away from the installation holding the VR world
computer.
Edmondia: But... she wasn't alone now.
EnsTren: That made her nervous too.
Edmondia: But at the same time... it was so... nice.
EnsTren: Sometimes, when she was warm and nearly
asleep she wasn't afraid.
Edmondia: In those moments... when everything was hushed
and cozy and right...
EnsTren: She could believe him.
Edmondia: ...it was almost scary how much she loved him,
then, when everything was peaceful and dark and deep and he
smelled like spice and the sun.
EnsTren: She frightened herself.
Edmondia: She'd never thought that she could... would... find
anyone.
EnsTren: And she did.
Edmondia: And he was... so close to perfect.
EnsTren: And she was so far.
Edmondia: And he... loved her.
EnsTren: Even though she was nowhere near as perfect
as he.
Edmondia: He still... loved her, believed in her, trusted her...
EnsTren: Needed her.
Edmondia: He needed her. Nobody else. Just her.
EnsTren: But she worried.
Edmondia: How could she possibly be enough for him?
EnsTren: How could he say she was too much for him?
Edmondia: She knew he was crazy but that just seemed...
EnsTren: Too crazy.
Edmondia: Maybe he just... didn't understand how perfect he
was?
EnsTren: How flawed she was?
Edmondia: ...how could he love her?
EnsTren: It was impossible. It was wonderful. It was
unbelievable--which was why she didn't believe.
Edmondia: Sometimes she was afraid that she was dreaming.
EnsTren: What would she do if she ever wakened?
Edmondia: ...she couldn't live without him. Not again.
EnsTren: She'd... She'd do something horrible,
something crazy, if she was forced to.
Edmondia: She'd... she'd...
EnsTren: She'd take everyone with her to hell, that's
what.
Edmondia: She wasn't going to be without him.
EnsTren: She wasn't strong enough.
Edmondia: ...was this what it was like for all the others?
EnsTren: Or was she just weak?
Edmondia: No - this wasn't weak, this was the way she was
supposed to be! He was her soulmate, her soul, hers.
EnsTren: The only thing she had that was only
hers--even if he belonged to Yugi's other before.
Edmondia: But that was okay, because her pretty yami had
needed him, then, because he hadn't had her. Atemu had kept
him safe and loved him when he was alone, and that was good,
that had made him strong.
EnsTren: ...Because if he hadn't--well, he would have
turned up like her.
Edmondia: But he wasn't, and she supposed she should be
grateful to him for saving him so he could be perfect for her.
EnsTren: Because Mokuba needed a good role model.
Edmondia: Because... they were a family now, a real family, all
their own.
EnsTren: Because they needed all his perfection to
make up for all her horrible flaws.
Edmondia: He would make a good big brother... father?
EnsTren: That frightened her.
EnsTren: Could she be a mother?
Edmondia: She... she... oh, if they had children... it was so
scary but he wanted them so much...
EnsTren: There was in vitro fertilization--but the baby
would have to come out and oh...!
Edmondia: Too scary! Not yet, not yet, she couldn't think
about that yet!
EnsTren: She felt as if she'd die sometimes--thinking
about that.
Edmondia: Sometimes she could... imagine that... being with
him like that... wouldn't be... so bad... because she knew, she
knew he'd be gentle and try to make her feel good... but - but -
EnsTren: It would hurt! And she was small down
there, she could see herself, and she knew it was
stretchy but she had never stretched before!
Edmondia: ...but... maybe if she... or if he... with fingers...?
EnsTren: That... she didn't like the thought of that either.
She didn't want to put her own fingers down there.
Edmondia: ...it wasn't fair! She was happy with him, they
were happy, and everyone else could just do it with anyone but
he was her husband and she couldn't!
EnsTren: Because she was weak and flawed.
Edmondia: She just wanted...
EnsTren: Desired.
Edmondia: And it would hurt but he'd be so happy, she knew
he would, and he'd take care of her, he would!
EnsTren: Even if she did cry.
Edmondia: But he'd apologize and kiss her and give her baths
and make her desserts and... and...
EnsTren: It would be gone from her.
EnsTren: Something that she had given up so much to
defend and keep safe--but wasn't hers because he could
have taken it at anytime--would be gone.
EnsTren: She had begged Gozaburo.
Edmondia: But... her yami... he'd... he'd begged too, and they
still...
EnsTren: Being with her that way wouldn't mean that
something would have to be inside of him.
Edmondia: He'd... been waiting for her, hadn't he?
EnsTren: It was frightening. She didn't even masturbate
without him--in part because she was frightened of
hurting herself amongst other things.
Edmondia: But... he knew how to take care of her, how to
keep it from hurting.
Edmondia: He could make it better.
EnsTren: He could sooth the trepidation she was still
struck by away with pleasure.
Edmondia: He could make it feel good.
EnsTren: But... Could he make that feel good when she
was terrified and crying?
Edmondia: He... he'd kiss her and pet her and talk to her,
wouldn't he? He'd help her to breathe right and keep her heart
from beating out of her chest? Right?
EnsTren: Would he be able to restrain himself to do
that for her?
Edmondia: He... he was good... he loved her...
EnsTren: He was still a man.
Edmondia: But... he'd been so sweet, so gentle, every time
they tried something new...
Edmondia: And he'd... restrained himself whenever she
asked...
EnsTren: It was hard for him, though.
Edmondia: But he had done it before, and he would do it
again, because... he was so scared of hurting her...
EnsTren: But she was already hurt, damaged goods.
She was used to being hurt by the ones close to
her--even if they didn't mean it.
Edmondia: He'd hurt her before.
EnsTren: She was used to being hurt--it was part of her
life. Had she not once asked her yami, did she have to
suffer for the privilage to breathe?
Edmondia: ...he still made it hard for her to breathe, but for
different reasons, now.
EnsTren: Sometimes she wondered when she would
have to pay in pain for the pleasure he gave her.
Edmondia: ...maybe... with that? But... it was supposed to
feel good...
EnsTren: But it would hurt at first--and she'd lose
something.
Edmondia: ...lose something and gain another?
Edmondia: He'd... he'd really be hers then, part of her then.
EnsTren: She didn't know...
Edmondia: But... she wanted to do that with him, she wanted
to be that close to him...
Edmondia: ...give that to him?
EnsTren: She couldn't wrap her mind around giving
that. In her mind that act was one of taking, stealing,
and yes, raping.
Edmondia: But... he... maybe... they could... share?
EnsTren: How? They took his, and there would be no
pain on him to take hers.
Edmondia: But... he was... they were supposed to be together
that way.
EnsTren: Maybe they weren't? Why would they be
tortured in such ways to prevent it if they were meant to
be?
Edmondia: No, they were! He'd said so, he'd promised! She
kenw it was true, she did, she loved him, she did, and he loved
her, and they were supposed to be happy together!
EnsTren: They didn't need sex to love each other.
Edmondia: But they should be able to have each other like
that.
EnsTren: Did she deserve it?
Edmondia: ...she deserved to be able to do that with him.
EnsTren: Because..?
EnsTren: Because everyone deserved it? Or because
it would bring pleasure? Because she was a hikari? Or
because it would hurt?
Edmondia: Because he was hers!
EnsTren: Hers and hers and only hers.
Edmondia: Only she could do that with him, nobody else, just
her!
EnsTren: But she couldn't do it.
Edmondia: ...no, no, that wasn't right, she could, she could.
All she had to do was... was.. tell him that was what she wanted
and he'd... he'd... not touch her until he thought she was ready.
EnsTren: She wasn't ready, therefore she couldn't.
Edmondia: But... she could... work on making herself ready.
EnsTren: Sarah had given her a small book,
photocopied and bound at a copy shop, from her text
books on how to overcome Vagimus.
Edmondia: She could do that.
EnsTren: She went to find it--she should start.
Edmondia: That would be good.
EnsTren: And frightening, and uncomfortable. But then
few things in her life weren't.
Edmondia: And... she wanted to do this.
EnsTren: ...but first she locked herself in her room.
Edmondia: Because that was safest.
EnsTren: And she didn't want to know what yami
would say if he walked in on her.
Edmondia: ...though it might be funny to watch his eyes bug
out of his head.
EnsTren: But he might surprise her, causing her hands
to jerk and hurt herself.
Edmondia: No, leaving the door locked was a good idea.
EnsTren: All locked and all pillows piled up to be
comfy. Booklet found, mirror in hand. Deep breath.
Edmondia: She could do this.
EnsTren: And she did--or started to nervously.
Edmondia: Because this was good.
Edmondia: It would be good for them.
EnsTren: Even if it almost hurt right now.
Edmondia: She could work trhrough this.
EnsTren: And she was, though it made her eyes mist.
Edmondia: She could do this. This was okay. This was fine.
