By Edmondia Dantes
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Part IV
Ten years from now, in quite sunny weather
Titus goes riding with his goddamn feather
Gertrude she scolds him because he's a wuss
(And possibly gay, it's just ludicrous)
Titus' b-day's got lost in the past
Would it have been in episode last?
Steerpike's not taller, but he's looking fine
Still flirting with Fuchsia through all of this time
The gang's gotten older, but not that you tell
One difference: a weddin', but did it go well?
Irma and Bellgrove in matrimonial bliss
At least I think so - so what did we miss?
Barquentine's older, but still wearing pink
And Steerpike's quite sick of the matter of 'sink'
Titus is tall now, a purple-eyed weed
And each separate twin has now gone quite to seed
Sitting on bedside, Steerpike's contemplating
How he'll knock off his boss, who's right now debating
Whether or not to make call on his son
And that's one last task that'll never get done
Steerpike the sneaky and Steerpike the sly
Comes in through the chimney, way down from the sky
Swordstick gleaming silver-bright in his hand
(Ack! It's the tongue thing - the fires get fann'd!)
And speaking of fires, that's just what he'll do
Once taunting and stabbing and giggling is through
Our boy's a pyro, he likes all the burning
Although he might be a bit more discerning
When flaming old men rush forward attacking
That's when you should be fast away backing
But our boy's amused, and can't help but gloat
So he gets lit right up and falls into the moat
When hauled out he's already gotten half-burnt
Well, it's about time that his lesson he learnt
If you wanna take over your old boss' job
It's much easier just hiring out to the Mob
The doc overhears whilst Steerpike is dreaming
And gets just an inkling of all of his scheming
To keep Johnny pretty goes on that damn mask
(And to keep this PG - so no chugging a flask
Because as we all know alcohol brains inhibit
If you want an example, see the Swelter exhibit)
Tra la la, tra la lee, things have gotten still worse
And is it just me, or have they no hearse?
The body count's rising, and before it's the end
Still more people to heaven they'll right away send
Secretary now is our fair-haired boy
And Titus is suffering from just no joy
He's sulky and moody and always he's brooding
And from all of this must I then be concluding
That the lad is repressed
And possibly stressed
But I don't much care
For he has funny hair
And he whines to his sister
(Steerpike near kissed'er!)
So sympathy for him she seems somewhat lacking
And he makes a comment that should earn a smacking
He's whiny and sulky, and she wanders off
She's meeting with Steerpike in their brand-new loft
We call it the red room, and think it's quite spiffy
But Fuchsia's opinion has gone somewhat iffy
And since the burning Steerpike's gotten shy
And quite a bit needy - not quite so fly
But he's being a darling, a shy one, it's true
Though a monkey named "Satan"? The boy needs a clue
And he's nervous and anxious and too cute for words
But Fuchsia is unsure of what she has heard
And poses a question to answer her need
And when he replies, with her does he plead
Fuchsia tries to run away
While Steerpike begs for her to stay
But she runs far away - one must wonder why
And heartbreak for Steerpike - for he starts to cry
But he's been losing it for a while already
So his grasp on reality isn't quite steady
And Flay's been lurking outside of his door
Runs off to Titus (the insufferable boor)
Wakes up the lordship and runs to fetch doc
Then all after Steerpike does this new crew stalk
Steerpike's all angsting and playing his flute
And Satan is being most painfully cute
Then S opens doors, and dead are the twins
A direct result of all Steerpike's sins
He's flipping out, and dancing around
Obviously, his brain's gone unwound
'bout time this is when the others stalk in
And yelling is quick about the Groan kin
Ever-armed Steerpike, he whips out a knife
And chucks it at Flay - say 'bye-bye' to his life!
Titus blink-stares and screams like a girl
And Steerpike stalks off with nary a twirl
They call out the guards - they're under attack
And you know they must be deep in the sack
Because after all, Steerpike's only one
The boy isn't even armed with a gun!
But it's raining and carving and things must be done
And Steerpike decides it's unfair to have fun
So he slides on the roof and whips out a toy
Obviously not just for a boy
'Cause he's killing many, one after another
But regrettably, NOT Fuchsia's dear brother
The army is chasing but he can't be found
And Wild Girl's scampering about on the ground
So after her does Titus pursue
Something, eventually, that he'll rue
There's running and fighting and a real big storm
Away hath gone Titus, right true to form
Fuchsia she finds him in a strange position
Calls him away from his *cough* *cough* mission
Wild girl gets fried by lightning strike
And back to castle is dude with pike
Whom everyone runs past, and Gertrude yells
Her stupid son's worthless (as one can tell)
Titus is sulking and Fuchsia's upset
And everything is getting wet
She goes to her attic and locks her door
In unbook-like fashion, Steerpike's on her floor
A parting of lovers that never quite were
Hard decisions face the ebon-haired her
It's almost a kiss, but never to be
For taken aback, rather is he
She calls for the guards to come straight away
And it hurts to see romance that turns out this way
Steerpike's close to crying, and so we are too
And they're both hurting, but what can you do?
They could've been happy had they been together
Instead Steerpike jumps out into awful weather
And when the guards come, Fuchsia loses her poise
Her whispered "I love him" gets lost in the noise
Steerpike is running in water-drenched halls
Steals Titus' boat - would that Titus falls!
But Peake, somehow, made him the hero
Even though he's quite the zero
Wherefore, gentle sir, did our tale this turn take?
To scribe now what follows will make my heart break
There's nowhere to run, and he's filthy and wet
When back to his mother does dear Titus get
His sister has drowned in her grief and her joy
Clutching a rose - a gift from our boy
From way back when - when she still had some light
And a newfound love that she had to fight
Gertrude's unknowing, and Titus is mad
His boat got stolen - now, isn't that sad?
He knows how to find Steerpike, and out they all go
(Forgive me, as this part's a little bit slow)
Locked in a room, there is no escape
Save one last chance that S must take
Quick slaughter and thinking, and he's nearly home free
A long-longed-for miracle that will never be
For Titus finally finds his spine
And clambers down a very long vine
Two knives and two boys in the dark of the night
And - first time ever - S loses the fight
(Give me pause for a moment now to weep -
And to soundly curse Titus, that insolent creep)
May those that have suffered find peace at last
And those that survive, bury all in the past.
Epilogue
The book is over, and the film with it too
How sad, how tragic, there's nothing to do
All the neat guys are dead now, gone cold and dead
I wish that huge rock would just fall on his head
No more Titus the pansy, the runner-away
And that's all that I really have here to say
Except perhaps wish that it weren't really true
And for Steerpike's return in Gormenghast Two.
The End.