STAR CROSSED LOVER……..OR  SERIAL KILLER?

Eden Fall’s own Tiger Wilde is either the world’s unluckiest lover or a Machiavellian Casanova lady-killer to outrival Henry VIII.  Mr. Wilde came to Eden Falls heart-broken from the death of wife number seven.  Once again, all he had to remember his dear departed loved one by was another large inheritance, since coincidentally- once again- the Tiger was the only living heir.

Madame Royale decided to map out the marital history of Mr. Wilde this week, in an effort to solve the mystery of the relentless messages of warning in her crystal ball, which appear to be directed at his new bride.  This is the eighth marriage for Mr. Wilde.  Sadly, all of his previous marriages have ended with a mysterious and somewhat bizarre death for his wife….. all except one. And most of his marriages have had ties to Eden Falls ….. coincidence, or sinister love plot? 

As far as Madame has been able to piece it all together, this is the story:

• Mathilde Weibchen Wilde aka Tilly , (sister to Eden Fall’s beloved deceased saloonkeeper) suddenly vanished without a trace one night, but it is rumored she is in the Federal Witness Protection Program and living in……….. Eden Falls.  And she bears an uncanny resemblance to the latest Mrs. Wilde??

• Millicent Rockefeller Wilde aka Milly ( third cousin to Nick Sanchez Rockefeller, deceased citizen of Eden Falls, became a victim of Death by Citrus when she was hit in the temple by a grapefruit seed  suddenly squirting out, with the force of a speeding bullet, from the spoon wielded by her loving husband.  She bequeathed a very large settlement to the Tiger Wilde NASCRAP Racing Program.

• Hillary Beaumont Wilde aka Hilly(twin sister of the deceased Aimee Beaumont Wiebchen), an exotic dancer by profession, was found dead in a dumpster in the red light district of Paris.  A hot pink feather boa was wound around her neck and a feather was found in her throat.  The Death by Feather was ruled a suicide. It is unknown if the late Mrs. Beaumont-Wilde endowed her twice-wed husband with anything other than her monumental “endowments” and her nights tips.

• Jillian Spasms Wilde aka Jilly (adopted sister of the irreverent and certainly dead Devon “Cat” Spasms) was an accomplished aerobics instructor.  The triple-jointed Jilly was dispatched to that great Gold’s Gym in the sky when her knees locked during her morning workout with the Thighmaster. As Mr. Wilde and his personal trainer frantically pulled on her knees, it is believed that the apparatus malfunctioned when the tension was removed, shooting upwards and skewering the 4^th Mrs. Wilde.  A jury awarded settlement of an undisclosed humongous amount of  money to Mr. Wilde as compensation for his pain and suffering since it is known that he now goes into uncontrollable spasms during Suzanne Sommers infomercials and must be sedated.

• Lillian Imahora Wilde aka Lilly ( second cousin, twice removed, of Alex Imahora, proprietor of  Like Woah Fashions) had a monumentally successful career as a runway model for Mr. Imahora’s  bodacious Like Woah fashions.  During this years annual Spring Fling Fashion Extravaganza, the willowy Lilly suddenly toppled head over heels down the runway and into the lap of the lately deceased Deputy Mayor Kevin Jawz.  When the deputy and Lilly were finally disentangled- there it was- the heel of a 6-inch spiked snakeskin pump lodged between her shoulder-blades and a map of the Eden Falls Cemetery clutched tightly in her fist.  The Death by Pump was ruled an accident and Mr. Wilde was cleared of any suspicion, despite the fact he had taken out a $ 2 million dollar Life Insurance Policy on his latest bride.  An Italian count and alleged spy for a rival house of fashion was fingered by Mr. Wilde and was subsequently charged with the crime.  His trial date has not been set.

• Wilhemina Hossenfeffer Wilde aka Willy was just beginning a promising career as a professional Karaoke singer when she discovered by Mr. Wilde.  Her death was a shock to the Karaoke community.  According to the coroner’s report, Mrs. Wilde had returned home in the afternoon and inserted her just released debut Karaoke CD into the boombox system.  In the Death by Boombox verdict of the coroner’s inquest it is believed the sweat on her palms sparked an electrical shock that fried Willy and caused a massive power failure along the entire East Coast.

• Cecelia Marie Wilde aka Cilly was a quiet English Nanny with a love of fast cars. Mrs. Wilde was driving home in her new red Ferrari, a wedding gift from her husband, when it is believed the brakes failed as she came around Breakneck Curve on the 666 Coastal Highway.  The Ferrari and Mrs. Wilde crashed through the guard railing and plunged over the cliff and onto the rocks 200 feet below.  Mrs. Wilde is presumed dead, however her body and the malfunctioning car have yet to be recovered.  Mrs. Wilde had an astonishing fortune in precious jewels stashed in a safe deposit box, which was bequeathed to her sorrowful husband, a widower once more.

• Kylie McGovern Wilde aka Killy, a respected resident of Eden Falls, was married to Tiger Wilde in a quiet ceremony this week.  It is noted the new Mrs. Wilde, a stunningly beautiful woman, has an eery resemblance to the first Mrs. Wilde, who somehow escaped the tragic fate of her replacements.  Mr. Wilde vowed to never give up the search for his beloved Tilly.  Has he found her here in Eden Falls?  Is  Killy Tilly?  Will the newest Mrs. Wilde somehow outlast the fatal love curse hanging over her husband with the smile-to-die-for, Tiger?  

Madame is still sorting through the messages from the cosmos bombarding her crystal ball.  Due to the overwhelming barrage of messages coming in for the newest Mrs. Wilde, there will be no crystal ball readings available until further notice.  Madame urgently suggests that Mrs. Kylie McGovern Wilde contact her for an immediate reading.