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Devon Spasms: Now Jason, there are rumors going around about you being a dog. Is this true, or is it a dirty lie?
Jason Carver: It's completely, 100% not true! All I wanna do in Eden Falls is play my guitar and try to score with as many non monogamous consenting adults as possible!
Devon: Then how did this rumor get started? What dirty scumbag tried to set you up?
Jason: I feel like the reason that I'm targeted is because of my left wing liberal extremist views. I think a lot of people make me an easy target because sometimes I believe in and stand for things that they don't all necessarily like anti death penalty, pro-choice, etc. It's pretty sad that someone's opinion of me can lead to my being lynched or even killed by a dog!
Fenton Averice: Jason, do you not take pleasure in the murder of innocent helpless babies and why are you not the next Hitler?
Jason: I love babies, babies are funny and smell like butter. I would never hurt a baby. However, I see where you're coming from with the Hitler thing...I view myself as more of a Napoleon than a Hitler. I'm not genocidal...but I do have aspirations of world domination. I want to be the biggest f***ing rock star of all time! And Eden Fall’s first!
Fenton: So much so that you'd kill all the other musically talented residents of Eden Falls? Oh wait, you're innocent…sorry, I forgot. What’s your favorite color
Jason: No one in Eden Falls is musically talented, at least not as talented as I am, but now my percussion/tambourine player just died, so I'm really bummed about that. I mean he left his beautiful fiancée, my lead guitar player, behind. I've tried to console Kylie the best I can but it's like, where do I go from here, you know? My favorite color is...mmmmmm...red.
Devon: Do you plan on replacing this member of your band?
Jason: Well, as of right now I'm looking into maybe getting Jimmy Chamberlain to play drums if I could get him away from the god awful ZWAN
band...I was trying to get that one dude from Milli Vanilli, I think it was Milli, to be in the band but he was sick at the time.
Fenton: Wait a minute, lets backtrack a bit…Red, like human blood?!
Jason: no uh...red like strawberries! I like strawberries the best of any fruit! In fact I wrote a song about it, and it goes like this: Just because I love red!/Doesn't mean I want you dead!/I just like to eat the sweet/fruit from the bowl on top of your head!
Devon: Here is a question from our audience. Juanita asks, ""Wha' 'bout da chil'ren?"
Jason: The children are safe as long as they have an open mind towards their generation and don't listen to the new music that comes on the radio these days. It poisons their minds and will eventually mutate them into some conservative anti-Christ.
Devon: Getting back to your political views, do you support Affirmative Action? Or let me rephrase that: Do you think Brynnie Poo should have been accepted to the game or not?
Jason: I think banning Brynn was a very lame move. You have to admire someone standing up against racial discrimination and segregation while pursuing a commonality of peace between both races like Brynn did. The man will hold us down. What can I say, I'm a death rocker…
Fenton: Would you rather bite someone and rip them to pieces or bake them cookies and read poetry while sipping tea?
Jason1584: I think I'd rather hang them upside down and read them William S. Burroughs' poetry backwards.
Devon: Recently, you have spoken out against Simone, annoyed that you were not given a role in the game. Because of this, what are your feelings toward LOM ("Loving of Mayor Fang-Fluffy")?
Jason: Lom?! Lom!?! Where has Simone and LOM been while all of these deaths in Eden Falls have been happening? She's been at home....washing her tights! I'm going to give the people what they want to see. The big DUKE A ROO! With Simone in one corner and in the other corner...myself. Simone and LOM....I have taken off my mask...let's see if YOU can take off yours...
Fenton: So you will be engaging in bondage with Simone?
Jason: Basically, yea. But ONLY IF she consents, remember that.
Devon: Do you then support "Dobs", her major opponent, despite the fact that that he is racist, cheated on his wife, and embezzled public funds?
Jason: NO no no…I don't feel that way at all. I feel like it's sort of when you go to a national park or something and they preserve the moose...and when I'm on stage playing, I'm that moose...
Devon: So when you're on stage with your band, you feel like a preserved moose?
Jason: yea.
Devon: What about off stage?
Jason: Off stage I feel like in the band we have two distinct types of visionaries. Marie and Kylie. They are quite unbelievable. But they are two completely different types of visionaries, they're like fire and ice. Great poets, like Shelby and Byron, people like that. And I know my presence in the band as sort of in the middle of that, sort of a lukewarm water.
Devon: What is your opinion on "Adam Moose" then?
Jason: Who the hell is Adam Moose?
Devon: A town citizen.
Jason: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO ADAM MOOSE IS! See I want to compare the creativity of our band to two things. Kylie and I come up with ideas separately and it works. I'd symbolize my creative drive to a stoplight. I mean green means go, yellow means slow down, and red means stop, it's not working Jason. But with Kylie, I'd say she's more like a banana because it's like, “A green banana, it's not quite ripe yet but go ahead and eat it, a yellow banana well that's a regular banana man, sit down and enjoy it, have a bite, it's good for you and then a red banana.....well where in the F*** did you get a red banana?”
Devon: Say, did you know you'd get a free banana when you get a lecture at my lecture circuit?
Jason: Yea but Spasms, I've always known you to be so eccentric...I mean for example one time you dressed up to go out to lunch...
Fenton: Do you feel Kobe Bryant is guilty?
Jason: If the schlong don't fit, you must acquit.
Fenton: What animal would you say you're more closely related to? A fox or a tiger? Keep in mind that a fox is a relative of dogs and a tiger is kin to cats.
Jason: Well I'm allergic to cats, and I'm not a dog, so I would say I'm more like a Jackalope. I mean, I noticed right away that Kylie and I had very differing political beliefs for example, I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Fenton: Which resident of the town would make you most want to jackalope off?
Jason: That would be Sam. I have a thing for redheads. I was thinking about Eden Falls the other day, and about America, I mean I spent 2 years in Europe playing with a jazz band, so I was thinking...In America it's amazing...it's the little things that make it beautiful. I mean I went to the gas station and bought a donut. They even gave me a receipt. Why do I need a receipt for a donut? I didn't think I'd ever need a reason to prove that I bought it. And one night Kylie said to me, "Ya know I bet you didn't buy that f***ing donut." And I looked at her square in the eye, and I said, "It's in my filing cabinet at home. Under D.”
Devon: Recently people have been wanting to lynch you, as we said earlier in the interview. Would you be willing to lynch them back? Or do you believe in loving your enemies?
Jason: Well I say love your brother. I don't literally say it, I might not even literally mean it...but the idea is there. So no, I won't be doing any lynching in Eden Falls.
Devon: You were angry with Simone because you weren't given a role, but are you SURE you're not the angel?
Jason: Why would anyone suspect me of being the angel?! I'm a death rocker! The angel is pure, probably a virgin, and I am no virgin!
Fenton: If you were to be forced to watch one television show 24/7 for the rest of your life, would you choose Buffy the Vampire Slayer or La Femme Nikita?
Jason1584: I think I would shoot myself up with 300 CCs of heroin and put a shotgun to the roof of my f***ing mouth before I watched either of those shows, but probably Buffy, she has a cute little perky @$$.
Devon: To quote the angel, he or she said, "Jason, I don't like you. I'm not going to give you any safety whatsoever because of that. Sorry hun, but it just works that way." What is your response to the angel's comment?
Jason: I really don't care about safety, I don't need it. I think I'm destined for greatness and success in Eden Falls and I think I also make this boring town a little more exciting than the average Joe. So, it would benefit everyone to keep me around. I'm just going to play it cool, lay low for awhile, and make friends, at least until the lynching period is over, or until the secret agent wakes up and realizes that I'm a red herring and that someone is trying to set me up.
Devon: That brings us to another question: How do you plan on 'Laying Low' after your enthusiasm for the game has been displayed so much?
Jason: I plan on starting my own Buddhist temple actually. I think it will be a safe haven for one to find his or her inner peace away from all the mayhem in the city. Hey, like I said before I'm liberal. I'm dating a girl with a Jewish mother as we speak.
Fenton: How did it feel to be the fan favorite on Big Brother 3?
Jason: That was before I banged Chiara, it felt liberating...at the time. Then I got crabs.
Fenton: As liberal scum, do you often find yourself wanting to slit your own wrists for being so WRONG in political stance?
Jason1584: Well, that's like, your opinion man. Don't test me, I'll ram an FDR up your @$$.
Fenton: Yes or no, have you stopped beating your wife?
Jason1584: I'm not married.
Fenton: Yes or No?
Jason1584: Only to Alicia Silverstone for a month, but she claimed it was just a CRUSH little did I know
Fenton Averice: Yes or No.
Jason: Let Cat ask the questions, you irritate me!
Devon: Recently, you started up an ORG of your own, or at least got the idea for one, called "Strip Survivor". Do you plan on going ahead of it, despite such harsh criticism on the idea?
Jason: I'd like to, if Taylor can design a nice enough site. But Rob (Enraged Santa) tried to psyche me out today by claiming there was already a Strip Survivor before and that the people that started it were sued. Of course he's just afraid that I will take away attention from Survivor Webcam, and I admit it's a blatant rip off (tribute) but this one will have a little skin!
Fenton: Is it true that it will be an all female cast? Please?
Jason1584: I was hoping to gather a mix of both sexes and of every sexuality
Devon: One last question: Why are you wagging your tail and barking so loudly Jason?
Jason: Spasms, I just forgot to remove my costume from the Masquerade Ball, ok? No big deal...sometimes I enjoy wearing it around the house…or you know...if I had a house...NO MORE QUESTIONS! ONE DAY I WILL BE MAYOR OF EDEN FALLS!!!! but first....fame is calling.
Devon: well, thanks for the interview, and umm...good luck in...umm..your future in politics and fame, I guess...
Jason: thanks, and look for Phil Attio and the Cunning Linguists first official LP! Titled: WINK AT MY WINKIE! Featuring such singles as EDEN FALLS IN LOVE and LAUREN IS A TOUGH LONG ISLAND B****! We are also working on a cover of Vanessa's, "Min.e Heart."
Fenton Averice: and remember, vote Republican.
Devon: Alright! Interview over!
Jason: bye bye!
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Devon Spasms, Cat Spasms, whichever you please!
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