AIDS EPIDEMIC HITS RACOON POPULATION

 Town officials are concerned after four cases of the AIDS virus were discovered in raccoons who reside in Eden Falls.  Five year old raccoon Magic Johnson Jr.'s deceased body was found covered in lesions and rotting in a house gutter.  Another raccoon has been quoted as saying "I will conquer my battle with AIDS, even if it kills me."  Veterinarian expert Hakim-Fyvish Smith believes the raccoons contracted the disease from a town resident, a notorious male slut and HIV connoisseur.  This person was unavailable for comment, and due to libel laws, we cannot name them here, but we CAN say that he sent a giant balloon sculpture in the shape of a male organ in response to our enquiry.  It is unknown how many raccoons may be carrying HIV, the virus which causes AIDS.  Health officials are urging Eden Falls residents to report any raccoons they witness behaving strangely.  Strange behavior can include but is not limited to the following:  lesions, abnormal sensitivity and tendency to die when exposed to other diseases, yelling "I have the AIDS virus", and voting for the democratic party. 

If you have recently engaged in sexual activities with raccoons and fear you may be infected with HIV, health experts suggest you throw your still live body into the mass grave and wait for death to take you.  Other means of reducing the risk of AIDS spreading to the Eden Falls population include shooting yourself in the face, high speed auto accidents,  and finding the cure for AIDS and administering it to yourself.

Fenton Averice - Reporter and Longtime Reefer Addict